I believe I speak for the country when I say that we're lucky to have endured this tragic matter. A lawsuit between the world's largest toy maker and the world's largest record producer would have easily torn another country assunder. I remember, in the autumn of 1997, theorists warned that a Second American Civil War would break out as loyalists chose to fight for either Mattel or Universal. The Union would be destroyed, they predicted, as fashion-doll collectors fought to the death against Eurotrashiphiles. Personally, I interpreted the matter as a sign of the endtimes. After rereading the Book of Revelations 17 times at 4:32 a.m. while I was on medication, I was convinced that Mattel was really Behemoth and that Aqua was noneother than the Leviathan. I spent the next two years hiding in a basement with nothing but one Bible, three assault rifles, and roughly 8,000 cans of Bumblebee tuna to keep me company.
Thankfully, the Union has survived. The U.S. Court of Appeals (Ninth Circuit) has ruled that Aqua's song was a parody protected by the First Amendment. Now, all is as it should be. Aqua continues to make Euro pop music. Barbie continues to destory the self-esteem of 4-year-old girls across the Western world. And I now refuse to read Scripture in the middle of the night while on dopamine.
And now, I proudly post the chorus to 'Barbie Girl' -- perhaps the most beautiful song ever made:
I'm a Barbie Girl
In a Barbie world
Life in plastic,
It's fantastic!
You can brush my hair,
Undress me everywhere.
Imagination --
Life is your creation
