diary08

It has been a long time that i 've been tried to throw you out of my head....
Pretended the world and myself that I could always live without you...
I've never cried for you *My banK*
Because...Deep in my heart i knew that you loved me so much...
And the real reason why we couldn't be together is...
-Both of us were misunderstood...
And it seemed we're not meant to be a lover of each other...
You had your view to look this world and it seemed so different from mine...
I thought... my life would be better if i have U not...
And then again... I thought .. Not so long .. i would have a new love...
Then it was...yeah... It really was....
I had a new one just a mouth after we separated...
But when i looked myself in the mirror when i was holding him tight...
It made me realized.. I couldn't love anyone right now...
It's too soon for me!!!
-When i was kissing him then i thought.. it'd be better if i was kissing *U*
-When i was holding him tight then i knew ...it was to warm me up not to add me love...
I chose to make everyone who loved me happy...
Wanted to show them all...* I love U ,my new deaR *
But the truth in my heart.... I kept asking myself...
     *Am i happy right now,'D i love him or not*
     *These kisses are for him only.... or for us*
And then the deep thought of mine replied me...
     *No,you're not happy at all.. YOu didn't love him as well...it's too soon to be in love once again and those kisses were for him only...*
"Why those kisses were for him only...when i was the one who made it" I wondered ...
     *It's because when U kissed him..U didn't feel that the love was on your lips but he did*

Then i thought.. I really could love him...
I've never wanted to hurt anyone...
And i didn't want to make him smile and end up with tears...
I wanted to bring him *Joy and happY*
To the place that he used to wish for...
I needed to give him a good love...
But the truth is too big to me to hide it...
And love is too hard to me to fake it...

How could i give him a perfect day when i was the one who pretend to make a perfect smile?
As i promised him... *I will never lie U*
And now i'm doing my duty...
He might hate me today but one day he will understand me...

All i want to make him understand is....
*When i was kissing him i really thought, i'd love him someday...
And if i knew i couldn't...
I would do it like todaY*
                                                              <02-05-01>