by k.l.g.
�So, which Disney character would you wanna bang?�
Evan Takehito squinted through the dirty windshield and into the darkness, gingerly rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He kept his other hand fixed anxiously on the steering wheel, which was lined with leopard skin fur that matched the upholstery on the seats of his jet-black Porsche Boxter. He lazily removed the hand massaging his nose and ran it through his unruly black hair, each of his slender digits devoured by silken strands of coal.
The digital clock on the dashboard glowed an eerie green two-thirty a.m., intensifying Evan�s dark, almond-shaped eyes which strained to see the unfamiliar two-lane street.
�Where did that come from?� he asked, letting his hand fall from his head to the back of his neck, and he proceeded to knead the tension he found there. Immediately, his eyes were hidden beneath long, meddlesome black bangs, and he opened his eyes wide in an attempt to remain alert. His voice was a hoarse, throaty growl, a soft susurration that seemed to resonate nonetheless within the confinements of the small sports car.
Lily grinned shamelessly. She sat with her knees tucked to her chest, one foot resting idly on the glove compartment in front of her seat. Her red Converses lay on the floor of the car. She wiggled her toes, adorned with a pair of purple toe socks. �I donno,� she said, taking a bit of her golden blonde hair and rolling it between her fingertips, unintentionally mirroring the roll of the Marlboro Light that was commonly seen lingering in her hand by the car window. �Just a random thought.�
�There were never a lot of guys to choose from in Disney movies,� Evan pointed out as he swerved around a curve in the road. Various bags of junk food, cassette tapes without their holders, and other anonymous litter lingering on the back seat was thrown out of place and crashed wretchedly to the floor.
�Oh, come on, it�d have to be the guy from Mulan,� Lily argued. She reached behind Evan�s seat to blindly fetch one of the half-empty bags of snack food on the floor of the car.
�Us Asians are irresistible, eh?� Evan smiled. �Yeah, he was pretty much the only one who wasn�t a �Prince Charming.� There was a Prince Charming in Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and, of course, Snow White, which is arguably the best Disney movie ever made. One hundred percent cells, none of this digital filth they�ve been spitting out lately. Toy Story, yep, there�s a fine hand-drawn masterpiece.�
�Toy Story was a big step for animation.� Lily settled back into the passenger seat with a bag of Sun Chip crumbs. Fighting her craving for nicotine, she attempted to fulfill her need with salt. �Wah ifoo ur frayt?�
�Chew, man,� ordered Evan, keeping his left hand on the steering wheel and using his right to cover Lily�s mouth. �You�re spraying crumbs all over the upholstery. Not cool.�
Lily chewed reluctantly, making a very big show of it, taking large, exaggerated munches and crunches. She swallowed the remainder of the Sun Chips and removed Evan�s hand from her mouth. �What if you were straight?� she repeated.
Evan sighed. �I don�t know. Probably Alice.�
Lily paused. �But�dude�she was, like, ten.�
�Goddamnit, Lily, it�s two in the morning, and everything I�ve said has been put up to an argument; I am not in the mood for your �let�s provoke a debate� shit ��
�Fine, fine,� Lily said quickly, chuckling to herself. The car was silent. Slowly, Lily turned towards Evan. �Well, if that�s what you like, Evan��
�For chrissakes, Lily!� Evan shouted at the windshield, afraid to let his gaze wander past the dark road ahead.
�Okay, okay!� Lily backed off, giggling. She pulled a Marlboro Light from behind her ear, settling it between her middle and forefinger. She rummaged for a lighter in her jeans pocket. Finding what she was searching for, Lily ritually lit her cigarette with an uncharacteristic pink lighter.
�Pink, eh?� asked Evan slyly. �I didn�t think you were one for daisies and butterflies��
�Shut up, it was the only one I could find in that mess of Nicole�s house,� explained Lily. �Do you realize that every time we come back from a party of hers, it�s almost three in the morning, my lighter is missing, and your love life is jeopardized in some new way?�
�Fascinating,� Evan said dryly. He rubbed his shirtsleeve against the windshield, making an effort to manually defrost the glass.
�So you do admit something happened between you and Adam,� said Lily, breathing in through the filter of her cigarette, letting the smoke stream from her nose and weave magnificent patterns in the air before floating softly out the open window.
�Perhaps,� sighed Evan. �And I�m guessing you�re expecting me to pour my heart and soul out to you, right?�
�What a good idea,� Lily said, smiling. She took another drag from her cigarette. �Go ahead. We have another hour or so before we get to my house, that�s plenty of time, I hope.�
Evan rolled his eyes. �You know I�m not cool with that.�
Lily�s face softened, and she leaned over towards Evan, resting the side of her head on his shoulder. �Listen, Evan, you�ve had how many other guys in your life? I would hope you�d know by now that I�m supportive of that.� She paused. �He must be a keeper, you never talk to me about him. Not even in a PG-13 way. What�re you afraid of?�
"Nothing.� Evan shrugged and continued to drive steadily down the nearly barren road. �I just don�t want to talk about it. And cut the sentimental shit out, you sound like an ABC after-school special.�
�Why?� Lily egged on. �What�ve you got to lose?�
Evan raised an eyebrow. �Lil, you�re going to try to solve my problems and make it all better for me, when I�m the only one who can solve anything. I really don�t need guy advice right now. I can�t even believe I�m discussing this with you.�
�Why?� Lily repeated. �Evan, I swear I�ll just listen. I won�t say a word.� She cocked her head so she looked into Evan�s face. Evan maintained his forward gaze. He paused.
�Not a word?� he said quietly.
Lily held up three fingers, the cigarette balancing between her middle and forefinger. �Scout�s honor.�
Evan heaved a great sigh. �Where do I begin?�
Lily beamed as she realized that Evan would begin to open up to her. �The beginning is a nice place to start. You never even told me where you guys met.�
Gripping the steering wheel a little tighter, Evan began with a single word.
�Sekira.�
* * *
It was Sekira.
Multicolored lights swirled and danced in perfect synch to electronic music, the volume so loud that Evan could feel the bass pounding in his chest. The only source of constant light was a fluorescent beam that shone above the bar. He drank in the sight of hundreds of bodies gyrating suggestively to the music, a flash of light and color flirting with his eyes. Evan vibrated with energy, adrenaline, and sexual tension. He headed straight into the crush of people, confidence radiating with every step.
On the way to the dance floor, Evan stepped into a pool of light that swirled above him, and he turned away momentarily. A figure caught his eyes within the darkness of the club. He stepped out of the light to get a better look.
The boy was of small frame, a little over five and a half feet tall. His countenance was one of confusion�lost and out of place. He crossed his arms, forming ripples in his dark, blood-red, silk shirt, which was not entirely buttoned up, exposing a piece of ivory flesh beneath the exquisite material. Pale orbs of green eyes hid beneath the boy�s molten hair. A pair of loose-fitting jeans sank low on his hips, revealing more of the creamy skin that Evan�s eyes took in hungrily.
What easy prey, thought Evan, subconsciously licking his lips as he approached the boy with certainty. The boy shot the advancing stranger an uneasy glance, then looked away quickly. Evan planted his hand firmly on the wall the boy stood against, positioning himself inches apart from the smaller figure in front of him. He tipped the boy�s chin so that the boy now peered up into Evan�s dark, almond-shaped eyes.
�Dance with me,� Evan ordered, his breath hot and full of temptation.
The boy was scared, Evan knew, and he looked up into the coal of Evan�s eyes with fear in his voice. �I don�t � I don�t know how.� Their bodies were so close that Evan could feel the heat seeping through the boy�s blood-red shirt. The boy smelled of sweat and cheap cologne � there was also the hint of purity that was new to Evan � and he soon realized he craved this innocence that cowered in front of him.
�You will,� assured Evan, and he smirked knowingly. Taking one of the boy�s hands firmly in his own, he walked confidently to the dance floor, leading the boy behind him. In one clean move, he pulled the boy to his chest, and they stood, stomach to stomach, Evan�s hand pressing against the small of the boy�s back.
�What�s your name?� asked Evan as he plunged into Adam�s pools of jade, which swirled with uncertainty.
�It�s Adam,� said the boy, looking away from Evan�s piercing gaze. �I�I don�t know what to do.� Evan took the boy�s chin in his hand and guided the boy�s eyes to look into his own.
�Never look away,� he said firmly. With that, Evan locked his right leg against Adam�s, forcing more contact of bodies, thigh to thigh. He laced his fingers into the redhead�s and made a graceful twist of the hips, which the boy followed instinctively. The music pounded in their ears, their hearts pounded against their chests, both feeling the surge of adrenaline and energy in each other�s bodies.
Their bodies parted only to join again in an enticing pattern. The lights flashed before Evan�s eyes in a kaleidoscopic frenzy, a spectrum of hues illuminating his dance partner�s face and eyes becomingly. They were both bathed in the brilliance of light, heat, and sexuality.
The music brought them back together, and Evan placed a slender, yet powerful, hand upon Adam's shoulder. It was not a forceful action, but it commanded an unspoken response that Adam rendered, gracefully sinking down until his head was level with Evan�s chest which was frustratingly hidden beneath a black tank top. Evan took a step forward, straddling one of Adam's bent legs. He released Adam's shoulder, trailing his fingers lightly down along the smaller boy's upper arm. Adam slid in time to the bass up along Evan�s body.
Quickly, Evan whirled around Adam�s body, pressing his chest against the boy�s back and breaking eye contact, Adam melting into the heat. Evan stroked a hand along Adam�s chest and matched the younger boy movement for movement, keeping his arm wrapped around the boy�s chest. Adam felt Evan�s intoxicating breath against his neck as Evan drowned in the silken scarlet of the boy�s shirt and hair. Evan held the boy with delicious anticipation.
As the song ended, Evan stepped out of his trance and realized a small circle had formed around the two boys, spectators gathering to enjoy the two men dance. At some point, Adam�s shirt had come completely undone, and his sanguine shirt swirled seductively about his hips. There was no time to rest as the next song began to build and pulse repeatedly throughout Sekira.
* * *
Adam Vanderbilt thought about his first encounter with Evan as he drove aimlessly along a desolate road, sipping a warm, flat Coke from a three-day-old cup and blasting the heat to shield him against the cold, bitter night weather. That night had made his life even more screwed up than it had been, he thought. He recalled way too ecstatic Sex Ed teachers explaining to him how adolescence was the most difficult and confusing time of his life, and how he had thought it was just a sham.
It wasn�t.
He looked over at G, his best friend who slept quietly in the passenger seat of Adam�s nineteen-eighty Honda Accord. G�s mass of bushy blonde hair was hidden under his favorite red New York Yankees baseball cap. Adam noted with some humor that when G was awake, he seemed so masculine and powerful, and when he slept, it was like he was two years old again, curled in the fetal position, hand so close to his mouth it appeared he was sucking on his thumb.
Now, why can�t I be like that, thought Adam, briefly taking small glances at his friend who slept so soundly beside him in the car. He�s normal. Football player. Eats a lot. Plays video games until his hands blister. Has a girlfriend. �Girl� being the operative word.
He returned his gaze to the road, his eyes drooping from sleep and from the lack of noise that usually came from G�s mouth. G said anything at anytime, not caring if he offended anyone; he was the only person that could get away with calling Adam a fag
Well, it is what you are, Adam. A fag. Adam contemplated the word he hated so much that described his sexual orientation. No matter what you call it, you�re still a fag. A guy who likes guys. �Homosexual� may sound prettier, but you�re still a fag.
Dimly lit streetlights illuminated the road; the parts of the road untouched by light were eaten by the darkness. Adam narrowed his pale green eyes to see before him, his unreliable headlights still not giving him the benefit of seeing the road.
Adam flipped the switch to activate the ancient radio on the dashboard of his car. He thought that perhaps some good music could keep him awake; the more he willed his eyes to stay open, the more his eyes began to close like iron doors.
A singer�s voice began to scream throughout the car.
Way too loud, thought Adam, hitting the �scan� button on the dashboard.
�Hit me baby one more time��
No, no, no. He hit the �scan� button again.
�You may hate me but it ain�t no lie, baby, �bye bye bye���
What the hell is music coming to lately? thought Adam, scanning through the channels blindly. I mean, Frank Sinatra had his Bobbysoxers, but this is ridiculous.
��Sunday Bloody Sunday��
Adam smiled. U2. One of my favorite songs. It�ll be a good night.
A snore erupted from G�s mouth, and Adam rolled his eyes with a small smile. What a fool, he thought, turning up the music only a bit, not so high as to wake the slumbering G, but enough to drown out his sleeping noises.
�How long . . . how long must we sing this song,� sang Adam, in perfect synch with the lyrics resounding from the speakers.
�Couldn�t have said it better, Bono,� Adam regarded the singer as he set the car on cruise control, taking his shoes off and driving barefoot like he preferred to do on the way to G�s house. It was in middle of nowhere, not a cop for miles, and he liked it that way.
He continued to sing along, whispering the lyrics that echoed through his mind.
��Cause tonight . . . we can be as one tonight,� he sang softly, sinking into the comforting, familiar bucket seat. Tonight was the night where things changed with Evan. Ironically enough, what provoked the change in his relationship was the close-minded G himself.
* * *
�So, that night at Sekira . . . that�s when you decided you were a faggot?�
Adam shot G an angry glare, then turned his attention quickly back to the road. �You know I hate that word.� Adam remained stern as he picked up a cup from the cup-holder and drank thirstily, not caring what the contents were. He settled the empty cup in the cup holder of his nineteen-eighty Honda Accord that groaned and resisted before complying to do anything Adam wished.
�That�s what you are, man,� said G, shrugging. He took off his baseball cap with the fringed brim and tossed it in the back seat. �You�re a homo. A gay. A queer. Whatever the hell you wanna call it, you�re still a faggot.�
�You�re so insightful sometimes, G,� said Adam sarcastically.
�Listen, man, you know what I�m talking about. I�m not fully down with all this gay shit, but, you know, if that�s the way you wanna go��
�Dude, how many times have I told you this? I was always attracted to guys in some way, but I never really realized it until that night at Sekira with Evan��
�Did you ever like me?� G interrupted.
�G, do you ever not think about yourself?� Adam snapped, and he stepped on the accelerator a bit harder, strands of scarlet tickling his nose and cheeks as they hung in his face. The car�s clock read eleven-fifty, and Adam was exhausted. He�d only had his full provisional license for a month, and his friends, such as G, took advantage of this privilege.
�Sure I do. I�m cool with you being gay and all. Just don�t hit on me.�
�See! You�re doin� it again! �Me, me, me,� that�s all you think about!�
�Well, at least I�m not like you, who�s like, �you, you, you,� and let people like Evan walk all over you.�
Adam was silent for a few moments, pondering the intelligence over what his friend had just said. �What do you mean people like Evan who walk all over me?�
�He does, man. I don�t know what you see in him. He acts like he�s �Mr. Suave,� all cool and shit. Too sure of himself, thinks he knows everything. He ignores you all the time; I don�t know why the hell you like him so much.�
�He doesn�t ignore me, you haven�t seen us when we�re alone.� Adam smiled to himself.
�And I don�t plan to see you two alone, but the point is, whenever you two are anywhere together he acts like you don�t exist. Don�t tell me you don�t realize that, because I know you do.� G put his feet up on the dashboard, fixing the back of the seat so that he was in a comfortable lounging position.
Adam sighed. �Please, don�t give me advice on something you have no clue about.�
�You just gave me the whole story of how you met; I know something,� G pointed out, fixing the brim of his hat so that it tilted downward, covering his dark brow. �He�s weird, man.�
�He�s not weird,� Adam argued, continuing to steer through the darkness of the barren road to G�s house. �He�s�sexy.�
�Whoa, listen, I told you, I�m not cool with you talkin� about him like that.�
�Why the hell not? You just told me you were cool with him and me being together, why the hell aren�t you cool with me just talking about him? I�m describing my thoughts; at least I�m not telling you about the sex��
�Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop! Just, stop. No. Okay. Yes. I�ll put up with you talkin� about it from now on, whatever you want, but goddamn, don�t go there. Never for the remainder of my life do I want to hear the words, �Evan,� and �sex,� in the same sentence.�
�You�re such a joke, man,� said Adam, shaking his head. He stretched�a difficult task to complete without taking his hands off the steering wheel�and he settled back down into the driver�s seat. �We�re both comfortable with our relationship.�
�Well then, riddle me this, Batman, if he�s so �sexy� as you put it, why doesn�t he do anything with you in public? I�ve never seen you two touch each other when you�re together. Not that I�d want to see that shit, but the truth remains that he hardly looks your way. If you�re so �comfortable� being gay, then he should be too; he�s the one that hit on you anyway.�
�We are comfortable,� repeated Adam, with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
�You know as well as I do that that ain�t what he acts like.�
Adam sighed. �Yeah, I guess you�re right. But he makes up for it when we�re alone together.�
�Listen to me, I know this is true, and I quote Cosmo: the way to have a satisfying and fulfilling relationship is to be honest and open with your love for each other.�
Adam was silent, then cocked an eyebrow in G�s direction. �Since when do you read Cosmo?�
�Eliza gets it, reads it to me all the time, thinks I�ll act more �gentlemanly.�� G shrugged carelessly.
�A whole lot of help that did��
�Fuck you, man, you�re ignoring my point. My point is that both of you have to be completely open about it in order for it to work. I don�t see either of you prancing around and announcing your homosexuality. I�m gonna get cheesy for a moment here.�
�Here we go,� mumbled Adam.
�When Eliza and I hooked up, all I could think about was tellin� everyone I knew about us,� G said sincerely.
�I remember,� remarked Adam. �That�s all I heard about for weeks.�
�That�s my point, man. If you really like this guy � don�t ask me why � but if you really like this guy, you gotta wanna shout it out to everyone, fuck the world if they think it�s wrong. You�re not being honest with yourself. Name five of your friends who know you�re gay.�
Adam paused. �You��
�Not including me, smartass.�
�Um�Sheila knows. And Thomas knows. He�s kind of not my friend anymore because of it, but he knows.�
�That�s one friend besides yours truly that knows. And how many of his friends know he�s gay?�
Adam sighed. �I don�t know that.�
�Sure you do. Even I know the answer to that question. None. Does he even have friends?�
�Yes he does, smartass,� Adam retorted, mimicking G�s certainty. �He has tons, I�ve met a lot of them��
�And what does he say? I bet he doesn�t say, �hey everyone, this is my partner, my lover, he who I fuck, my boyfriend, Adam.� I�m guessing he says, �this is my friend, my buddy, Adam.� Am I right?��
Adam was silent, not wanting to give G the benefit of the doubt. But he knew G was right.
�You�re not being honest with yourself, and he isn�t either.�
Adam sat in the driver�s seat thoughtfully. �You know, G, that�s the most intelligent thing I think you�ve ever said to me for the past ten years.�
G smiled and sat back, letting his hands rest against the headrest, supporting his the back of his head. �Thank you, Adam, I take pride in saying something worthwhile every decade or so. Keeps me up to date.�
�I mean, you�re right,� Adam continued, ignoring anything G was saying, his thoughts swimming around his head. �I never thought I�d say that in a million years, but you�re right.�
G�s smile morphed into a frown. �Okay, you don�t have to fuckin� rub it in��
�I�m going to talk to him tonight,� Adam declared, accelerating the car towards Nicole�s house, where he�d see Evan that night.
�That�s the spirit,� G said. �Now�pass me a damn cheesy poof, I�m starving.�
�There�s going to be food at the party,� Adam said.
�So what? I�m bored. Do something cool, like run over a pedestrian. That would be sweet.�
�Pedes�we�re on a highway, you fucking moron!�
* * *
�It was the first time I�d ever picked a guy up that was so damn virginal.� Evan spoke softly, his voice still a bit hoarse. �He was so�pure. So untouched. It was weird.�
�So you couldn�t just screw him and get it over with, right?� piped up Lily, her voice also beginning to become drowsy, but her attention was still sharp and focused on Evan. �I mean, he�s so different than the other guys you�ve had before.�
�See, that�s the thing, Lil,� said Evan, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. �The guys I�ve been with, the girls I�ve been with�they�ve all meant nothing, nothing more than a good fuck.�
�Well, you�re an experimental guy��
�That�s not going to matter in a few years. In a few years, I�m going to have to pick to swing one way or the other. Some people debate over whether they like someone � I debate over what gender I like. Since the beginning, I was taught that if you�re going to get anywhere with a relationship, it was through sex. Actually makes sense, if you think about it. Why else would there be �make-up sex�? Sex to make everything all right again. Anyway, along comes a guy who doesn�t care specifically for sex, because he barely knows how the hell it is between two people, let alone two guys. Virginity�s a fragile thing � I didn�t want to break him. So I let him stick around.�
�And that�s why you�re still here, with him, together,� concluded Lily.
�I had a moral for my life,� Evan went on, ignoring Lily. �My first girlfriend told me about it. The ABC system. Acquire, Bang, and Cast away.�
�That�s�nice.�
�And I upheld that moral for a fuckin� long time.�
�Until you met Adam, that is.�
�I thought you told me that you�d just listen,� Evan pointed out. He blinked a few times, his eyes adjusting to the newfound darkness as they turned down a countryside road towards Lily�s house.
Lily pantomimed zipping up her lips, smiling lovingly.
Adam sighed. �Okay. Just listen a minute, okay?�
Lily nodded.
�Yeah, I let him stick around,� said Evan, continuing to drive slowly down the dark path. �And the more I let him stick around, the more I realized that this might not be just a good lay, it could actually be more. And that scares the shit out of me. It�s never been anything more than the sex, and I always thought it would be that way. But a relationship? That�s way out of my league. At least that�s what I thought.�
The car in front of him stopped suddenly, its taillights setting Evan�s windshield aflame, reflecting in Evan�s eyes and making them appear oddly sinister.
�I never wanted to admit it was something more. And tonight he confronted me, the first time anyone has ever questioned anything I�d ever done.�
* * *
Adam silently crept up behind Evan and grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly. The other guests at Nicole�s twenty-first birthday party were oblivious to the two boys who walked out of the room and outside the door.
�Adam, where�re you taking me?� asked Evan wearily. He�d just arrived, and he�d wanted to have some fun. He was taken outside into a garden behind Nicole�s house, attempting to light a cigarette on the way there.
�No, no smoking,� ordered Adam, and he removed the cigarette from Evan�s mouth, replacing it with his own lips.
�Hey�� Evan protested before submitting to the warm heat of Adam�s lips on his own, their tongues warring with each other in a furious frenzy. Adam cupped one of Evan�s cheeks with one hand and planted the other on Evan�s strong shoulder. Evan stood still, dumbfounded, yet completely lost in the moment. They broke away,
�Well, that�s a fine substitute,� Evan remarked, licking his lips and tasting Adam�s lingering flavor.
�What was that to you?� asked Adam quickly, soft green eyes searching for an answer in Evan�s ebony stare.
Evan cocked an eyebrow. �What do you mean?
�What was that to you?� Adam repeated. He grasped Evan�s hands loosely in his own. �What did that mean to you?�
Evan�s eyebrows furrowed. �Uh�it was�good?�
Adam sighed; apparently that wasn�t the answer he was looking for. �Listen, Evan, I�ve been thinking��
�Well, can it wait?� Evan said impatiently. �I just got here, Adam, I wanted to say �hi� to Nicole and Ryan and everyone��
�No, it can�t,� Adam interrupted, he himself becoming impatient. He looked up into Evan�s rich brown eyes with pleading. �Please. I really � we really need to talk.�
�About what?�
�About us.�
Evan rolled his eyes and started to walk away from the garden. �There�s nothing to talk about �us� that can�t wait.�
�Yeah, Evan,� Adam cried out after Evan. �It can wait until we�re gone. Until I�ve lost you.�
�You know, I�ll see you later, I�ll take you home, you can come back to my house��
�Is that what it�s all about?� Adam nearly screamed as he ran after Evan�s retreating figure. �Is that all I am? A piece of flesh?�
Evan sighed and turned around to face Adam. �Adam, stop it. You�re being stupid.�
�That�s all I ever am. Na�ve and stupid, right, Evan?� He walked back to the garden, fury in his veins.
�Listen, Adam�� Evan began.
�No, you listen to me,� screeched Adam. �Ever since that night at Sekira, I�ve felt more for someone than I�ve ever felt in my whole life. And if all this time I�ve been fooling myself, I want out now.�
�What do you mean? You�re being stupid��
�There you go again! Stupid! That�s all I am is stupid,� he threw up his arms and recoiled into the garden. �Evan, what the hell am I to you? Tell me. I need to know, because if all I am is a �friend�, then I�m wasting my time. Tell me that I haven�t been stupid, that I haven�t been wasting my time on some guy. That I haven�t just given up thirteen months of my life with a pretty stranger.�
�You�re more than a friend. You and I both know that.�
�Then why don�t you act like it?�
�Do you?�
�No.�
�Then why should I?�
�Because neither of us is being honest. We are a couple, we are a gay couple; there�re thousands of gay couples out there. What the hell are we afraid of? Rejection? Humility? Why? You�re the one that told me to be more confident, to be less na�ve, well, why are you so afraid of me? Why don�t you want to talk to me, to talk about us?�
Because I want to deny that we have anything more than just a bed together. Because I�m too weak to be able to stand any kind of rejection I�ll have if this gets out in the open. Because I don�t want to ruin your life.
�Because I don�t want to see either of us getting hurt.� With that statement, Evan stood, silent, and waited for his lover�s reply.
Adam mirrored Evan�s silence, and he chose his next words carefully. �Listen, I�m new to all this, and I know I don�t know half as much as you do about this. But I do know that it�s not something either of us should be ashamed of.�
Evan stepped forward, closing the gap between the two men, and he cupped Adam�s chin in his hand, much like he had done on their first meeting. �Adam, it�s not something we should be ashamed of. That doesn�t mean the world will think the same thing. See that house over there?� He pointed in the direction of Nicole�s party. �I will bet you that at least ninety percent of the people in there won�t accept us being together.�
�That doesn�t matter. I don�t give a shit about them, I only care about us.�
�What makes you think that there is an �us�?� snapped Evan. As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted ever opening his lips.
Adam�s emotions circled around his face, ranging from fear to anger to hurt. He stepped away from Evan slowly, holding his chest, as if his heart was crumpling beneath the skin�s surface. He looked down, facing away from Evan, and he started to walk away quickly.
Evan walked after Adam, putting a hand on the younger boy�s shoulder. �Adam, look��
�Get the fuck off me!� Adam screamed, and slapped Evan�s hand away violently, continuing to walk away from Evan with a concoction of painful emotions he�d never experienced all at once. He choked back tears, not wanting to cry in front of Evan. �Get away!�
�Adam, wait goddamnit��
�No!� Adam screeched, his throat hoarse from the last yell he�d thrown at Evan. He whirled around, tears forcing their way down the sides of his cheeks, and he jammed the heels of his hands into his eyes, forcing them back. �No, Evan, G was right. We�re so far from honesty it�s not even funny. If we can�t even accept anything about ourselves, how the hell are we going to accept how others feel about us?�
�You listened to G?� asked Evan, astonished.
�Yes, I did,� said Adam matter-of-factly, and he glared at Evan with a look that bore into Evan�s mind, extracting so much regret for hurting the fragile innocent in front of him. �And he was right. You don�t give a shit about me. I was just another good fuck, right? I know how you are. They know how you are.� He pointed to the house that still shook with the volume of the music and the laughter that contrasted so sharply with the events taking place in the garden. �You�ve had more guys between your sheets than I have fingers and toes. How is that not empty?�
Evan�s eyes softened, looking for some kind of guidance that would aid him, and found nothing. �Adam, it�s not like that at all. It�s � it�s ��
�It�s what, Evan?� Adam snapped. He stood before Evan, his once brilliant scarlet hair a dull sanguine, his usual bright eyes of jade now a somber green. He gasped for breath, as if the sheer exhaustion of it all was sucking the life out of him. �It�s nothing. I am so dangerously close to falling in love with you. But I know you won�t let me. You deny that we even exist together as Evan and Adam; you�re afraid to admit it. Why? Why, when you�ve had so many others in the past, why are you afraid to love just once?�
Evan spoke in a slow, threatening, almost predatory voice that was frightening and vulnerable all at the same time. �Love? Ha. There�s no such thing as love. Love is a fantasy, an illusion, something we paste onto Valentine�s Day cards. It�s a four-letter word that means a whole lot of nothing. Love is for people who sit around reading shitty romance novels and think that there's a soul mate out there, just waiting for them with a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy. Love is just a manifestation that humans have created because we want something to live for. We use it as an excuse to keep going. You can care for someone, be their friend, maybe. But love? Love is overrated. It isn't defined as the holy emotion everyone holds it to be. We live in a society where people say, �I love you� to the man of their dreams, and then they'll turn around and say, �I love this ham sandwich.� If loving a person is the same as loving a sandwich, then I don't know what to call love. It's not a true emotion, like happiness or sadness, where you know you feel that way. But love? Fuck love.�
Adam trembled. �You�re wrong. You don�t have a clue what love is.�
Evan�s eyes darkened. �You�re right. I don�t. Because if I told you I loved you, it�d just be another excuse.�
Adam�s bottom lip began to quiver, and he bit down on it to keep himself from showing the weakness he hated. �Then what I�m going to say will have no meaning to you.� He stepped forward. �I love you, Evan. It means nothing to you; it means everything to me.�
Evan was indifferent. Adam looked into Evan�s eyes quizzically, searching for an answer. Evan�s eyes showed no change of emotion, stoically penetrating Adam�s own eyes. The Japanese man said nothing, and turned away. He didn�t look back at the younger boy he had abandoned in the garden as he stepped through the door and into the house.
With confusion and unsettlement, Adam sank down to the ground, clutching his knees in his arms.
* * *
�Goddamnit, turn the music down, you�re making my ears bleed.�
G awoke with annoyance and grogginess in his voice. He sat up, letting his back rest against the bucket seat. He popped his neck and looked at Adam with an annoyed glare, especially since the clock now read three-thirty a.m. Adam complied, turning down the volume to a fairly noiseless level.
�Talk about making ears bleed, I wouldn�t say the rap music you listen to is particularly intriguing,� Adam commented, rubbing his eyes with both hands briefly before resuming one hand on the steering wheel and one on the edge of the car window. �Rap music, what an oxymoron��
�I get your point, Vanderbilt.� G yawned generously and rested his sneakered feet on the dashboard in front of him to stop the constant rattling the glove compartment made because it was never completely shut. �You still pissed about whatshisface?�
�Evan,� said Adam flatly. �Yeah.�
G raised his eyebrows. �Wanna talk some more about it?�
�I thought you didn�t want me to talk to you about anything to do with Evan,� Adam pointed out.
�I said I didn�t want you to talk to me about anything to do with sex.� G pulled the brim of his hat down so that it covered his eyes. �Nasty. Anyway, talk to me�I owe it to you. Who had the genius to point out your flaws that steered you into this shit?�
�Thanks, G, you can be sure that I�ll go to you whenever I need a good slandering.�
�That�s not what I meant, you moron. Talk, before I change my mind.�
�Let�s turn the tables. Why don�t you tell me something about Eliza? Don�t expect me to talk sentimentally about my boyfriend when you don�t say anything about Eliza except how good she is in bed.�
�She is, man.�
Adam frowned.
�Okay, okay,� G said, holding up his hands. �You do realize that this is as sappy as it gets, right?�
�Speak. I�ve been doing all the talking all night, all you�ve been doing is snoring and drinking and eating--�
�Shut the hell up, man, I�m getting on with it. Okay. Mushy shit. Got it. Not about Eliza. But this was my first girlfriend. It was in tenth grade. The first time I ever saw her, was when I went to a New Year�s party about two years ago, and I was all like, �Check her out!� and shit, right? But instead of going up to the ladies � as I usually do � I didn�t move. I couldn�t will myself to move. If I had known you, I would have told you I loved her; that�s all I used to say. See, �normal affection� is when a guy likes a girl and the girl likes him back; it�s distributed evenly. It wasn�t. It was obsession. Obsession is affection that is not returned by the opposite in mind. It was weird, like, out of control weird, which is grounds enough to land me in a mental hospital.�
Adam smiled. �No, you sitting in a car bitching about some chick who you saw two years ago when you already have a girlfriend is grounds enough to land you in a mental hospital.�
�Shut up, I didn�t even know how to get her to notice me. And I�m the king of pick up lines.�
��My pants are like a mirror � I can see you in them,�� Adam muttered.
�Fuck you, man, I'm serious. I was, like...in love with this girl.�
�Wow, George Devanopolis is in love,� mocked Adam. He received a swift punch to the arm by G.
�Okay, A, don�t call me that, and B, I loved her. Her name was Emily. She was perfect, man.�
�I think both you and I need to realize that perfection doesn't exist in any type of human being. There's a flaw somewhere. In Emily's case, it was being blind to unabashed affection. She was pretty, she dressed in the newest of clothing, and she had a billion and a half friends. You picked the wrong women. You finally shook yourself awake and realized you needed to pick someone who'll look past the fact that you're really not attractive and see you for who you are.�
�Thanks. That really makes me feel better, especially coming from a queer.�
�You�re welcome. So anyway, back to what you were saying. Emily. Whatever happened to her?�
Evan paused. �Well�she died.�
The car became silent, only the slight rattling of the glove compartment and the faint music from the speakers breaking the hush.
�She�what?� Adam�s throat became dry.
G smiled with understanding, then continued, hat still covered over his eyes. �We were walking back from a movie. A car ran right over her. We were holding hands, and my arm was twisted some, but I didn't have any damage whatsoever. Emily stepped off the sidewalk and into the road; she didn�t fare that well. She threw an arm out to shield her body; the car slammed into her, pushing her forearm back through her elbow. It was downhill from there. She fell on her back, because her knees snapped, her feet hitting the front of her thighs. The bottom of the car sliced into her gut as it went over her, slashing her torso deep. It gripped on the collar of her shirt and pulled her back. Her neck snapped as she rolled underneath the car and landed face down on the pavement. She was dragged a bit before the car finally let go of her. By the time the car did stop, and she was freed from underneath it, two or three layers of skin had been ripped off of her face. I looked down at her... at Emily. My Emily, the only person I had ever loved. And she died right there in my arms on the street. The paramedics told me that she was alive the whole time and felt everything.� G smiled slightly, and he pushed his hat down further over his face. �She wasn�t perfect, but she was damn near close. She was funny as hell, smart, not to mention how utterly gorgeous she was. And I never got to tell her that. I just sat there, holding her, her blood spilling over my jeans while I did nothing but stare.�
Adam swallowed again. �How�how come you never told me about this?�
�We were hardly friends then anyway; you were just that weird kid in the back of my biology class.�
�This was only two years ago,� said Adam. �When did you hook up with Eliza?�
�When I realized that there could be another Emily.� G pulled up the brim of his hat to look at Adam, who continued to stare out the windshield in astonishment.
Out of the corner of his eye, Adam noticed the moist nature of G�s own eyes, and he spoke softly. �You�you okay?�
�I don�t need your sympathy, no.� He promptly pulled the brim of his hat back down over his eyes. �But I wasn�t, for a long time. And this is where I pass down my advice to you, man.� He crossed his arms and closed his eyes beneath the brim of his hat. �If you really think this guy Evan�s something, and if you really think you love him and whatever, then he needs to know that whether he wants to or not. He doesn�t even believe love exists, apparently. You�ve gotta make him believe it. I mean�if some dumbass jock like me can have love, then anyone can, y�know? Now, the way I see it, you gotta make a choice here.�
�A choice?� Adam repeated.
�Yes, reverb, a choice. You gotta decide whether you�re going to go back to him and tell him you�re sorry and be another good fuck, but still be the same ol� Evan and Adam. Or, you can go back to him and convince him that love exists, and that it exists between the two of you; and risk the chance of being rejected. It�s your choice, buddy.� He settled back into the seat, attempting to get comfortable. �Well, I�m going to stay awake. Talk to me if you wanna, it�s only about another five or six miles until we get to my place.� He threw the brim of his New York Yankees hat over his eyes.
Adam remained quiet. G was smarter than he thought; maybe a party and one too many glasses of beer put him in an introspective mood, Adam didn�t know. Thoughts jumbled sporadically in his mind, and he looked at the clock which now read three-fifty, the numbers blurring together with the dashboard. Adam blinked, feeling a ticklish trickle of moisture stream down his left cheek. Immediately, his hand darted off the steering wheel to furiously rub the tears away that were flowing in steady streams down his cheeks.
God, I�m so fuckin� weak, he thought. He looked over quickly to make sure G hadn�t seen him crying; luckily he was still in the dark underneath the fringed baseball cap brim. Adam looked ahead at the road, the roads getting longer and more tedious as they rolled on.
�One of our first fights was at Evan�s house.�
* * *
�Is this it?� called Adam to Evan as they approached Evan�s small house, located in a quaint suburb on the outskirts of town. The next house wasn�t for miles, the next town nearly an hour away. It had only taken Evan forty minutes to drive the distance, and Adam gripped his safety belt subconsciously.
�Don�t worry, Adam, I�m not going to kill you.� Evan smiled smugly; Adam adored the way wrinkles formed at the sides of Evan�s eyes when he smiled even the tiniest bit. Evan pulled up into the driveway of his home, stopping abruptly. �Here we are.�
�So�is there anything I should know about your family before I make a complete moron out of myself?� asked Adam, nervously straightening invisible wrinkles out of his jeans.
�Nothing I can think of,� Evan said, unbuckling his seat belt. �But we have to keep our hands off each other for the most part. Take your shoes off at the door. No cursing. The usual. Think you can handle it?� He turned to face the smaller boy in the passenger seat.
�Yeah,� said Adam softly. They took this opportunity to steal a quick kiss before waving good-bye to Helga, the hula girl that was glued to Evan�s dashboard, and stepping out of the car. The two boys walked up the dirt pavement to the traditional Japanese sliding door, where a small elderly woman greeted them warmly.
�Kon ban wa,� she said softly, opening her arms to Evan. Evan smiled and bent to hug the woman. She had wispy, porcelain white hair, and she embraced Evan with a smile.
�Kon ban wa, obaasan,� said Evan quietly. He released the small woman, smiling. He motioned to Adam. �This is my good friend Adam.� He looked up at the redhead. �This is my grandmother, Mrs. Sakuma.�
�Kon ban wa, Sakuma-san,� Adam greeted politely. Evan�s eyes widened.
�Kon ban wa,� Mrs. Sakuma said with surprise. She smiled warmly. �Let�s go inside, shall we?� Her broken English was apparent, but Adam could tell she was doing the best she could.
When Mrs. Sakuma headed inside, Evan pulled Adam back. �Since when did you speak Japanese?�
Adam smirked. �There�s a lot about me you don�t know.� He followed Mrs. Sakuma inside, leaving Evan speechless behind him.
A small woman appeared at the entrance of the hallway, and she smiled. �You must be Evan�s friend, Adam?� She bowed slightly. �My mother tells me you can speak Japanese?�
�Hai. Only a little.� He blushed a little. �Takehito-san?�
The small woman laughed. �Oh, yes! My name is Takehito Tomoe.�
�Kon ban wa, Takehito-san.� Adam bowed slightly. Evan entered behind him, smiling.
�I�m sorry, but my mother and I were just going out. I�ll let Evan help you get familiar with everything here. Make yourself at home. We�ll be home before ten.� She nodded to Evan. �Be good, Evan.� She picked up a shawl from a chair at the kitchen table, and she guided Mrs. Sakuma to the door, leaving Evan and Adam alone in the small abode.
Evan leaned against the doorframe, letting it cradle his figure. �So, any other hidden talents you have under your sleeve?�
Adam smiled, standing awkwardly in the unfamiliar room. �Nothing I can think of right now. They seem really nice. Your mom and grandma.�
Evan walked toward the refrigerator. �Yeah. They are.� He opened the refrigerator door; Adam heard him shifting through boxes and cartons of food. �You want dinner or anything?� Evan asked. �I can make something.�
�You cook?� said Adam incredulously, walking towards Evan to see what he was doing.
�A little. Uh�I don�t know how you feel about Japanese food, but I can figure out something.�
�Okay,� Adam agreed. �Need help?�
�Nah, I can do it,� Evan shrugged, and he started to take out pots and pans from the cupboard. �Is yasai and meshi all right?�
�What?� Adam asked, oblivious.
Evan laughed a little. �Never mind. I�ll take care of it.� He picked up a teakettle that was on the burner. �Want some tea?�
�Sure.�
Evan poured a cup of warm tea, watching the steam twist and fizzle in the air. He offered it to Adam with both hands, bowing slightly as Adam accepted it.
�What was that?� asked Adam, cautiously lowering his mouth towards the ceramic cup.
�What was what?� Evan filled a pot of water and left it on the burner to begin to boil.
�The bow thing,� Adam explained. �With the tea.�
�Oh,� Evan realized sheepishly. �I don�t know. It�s a habit, I guess. My family�s really traditional and whatnot. It�s supposed to be rude, I guess, to give something to someone with only one hand. If you give something to someone you care about or respect, you always use two hands. The bow adds some respect too.� He laughed a little.
Adam leaned against the counter. Someone you care about, he thought, sipping the tea silently.
�You like cooked carrots?� asked Evan, breaking Adam�s train of thought.
�Uh�sure,� said Adam. �I guess.� He approached Evan warily. �Evan?�
�Yeah?� answered the raven-haired man while chopping bits of carrot for the rice.
�Where do you think we�re headed?� asked Adam.
�What do you mean?� The water began to simmer in the pot.
�I mean�um�� Adam shifted uncomfortably against the counter. �We�ve been together for awhile, right? So�how long do you think it�s going to last?�
Evan sighed, and slid the chopped carrot to one side of the cutting board with the knife. �Listen, Adam, you�re too young right now to understand everything��
�I�m eighteen, I�m not a tyke,� said Adam irritably. �What�s there to understand? I just want to know if you see a future out of this.�
�There�s not a future, there�s only now. Don�t think about it so much.�
�Not everyone takes this as lightly as you,� said Adam.
The water began to boil.
�And not everyone wants to make every relationship a marriage, Adam.� Evan put some uncooked rice into the pot to cook. �Let�s not talk
about this until tonight.�
�Don�t run away from me, Evan.�
�I�m not going anywhere.� Evan smiled slightly. �Let�s not talk about it.�
�Why not?�
�You know why.�
Adam sighed. �Because it doesn�t mean anything to you.�
Evan shook his head. �No, because it doesn�t mean anything to you.�
* * *
�What did you mean by that?� asked Lily.
Evan�s eyes still strained to see barely three feet in front of him. �We were both right. I haven�t taken love seriously since the day I was born. And he takes it too seriously. This was just another fling of mine; they don�t mean anything to me, really. But it also doesn�t mean anything to him, because he�s looking for a goddamn marriage; it�s a hopeless pursuit.�
�Ah.� Lily reached behind Evan�s seat once more and pulled out a bag of hand candy. �You know, I�ve been through so much addiction.�
�I remember your coke days,� said Evan, shaking his head.
�Then I did pot to get off the coke. Then I went to cigarettes to get off the pot. Then I chewed Nicorette. Then I went from the Nicorette to original Trident. Then I went from Trident to hard candy.�
�And you�re still smoking,� Evan said pointedly.
�True, true. But, at least it�s not as bad as the coffee thing.� She began to unwrap a candy out of its individual wrapper. �It was the cup of the day to triple Expresso to Americano to Caf� Latte to double Expresso to Mochaccino to double Mocha to hot chocolate to Coke to Dr. Pepper to Sprite��
�Yes, you certainly live on the edge, Lil,� Evan said, cutting Lily off. He tapped his fingers against the steering wheel to a nameless tune.
�The way I see your situation, Evan, is that it�s like an addiction.�
�Okay, so now you�re going to give me a twelve step program to slowly deprive myself of��
�Shut the fuck up, just hear me out.� Lily lit another cigarette, which she balanced between her lips as she talked. �Addiction is a strong habit. Well, you�ve got a series of them. A habit of one night stands. A habit of walking away guilt-free. A habit of running away from what could possibly be love.�
�And I like it that way,� said Evan. �You don�t have to worry about someone breathing down your neck. It�s so much easier to walk away. I don�t know what people see in this relationship bullshit.�
�Exactly. This guy Adam is making you throw away all these things you�ve become accustomed to. Your �addiction�s, rather. And that scares the shit out of you. The way I see it, you can let him change you and go on and grow up already, or you can throw him away like everyone else and not get anywhere.�
�I fuckin� got somewhere,� argued Evan, his voice hoarse and bitter. It was getting colder outside, his windows refusing to defrost. �I got experience. I was never rejected.�
�That�s because you never gave them a chance to. You may not see it, but the only one who�s being a fuckin� wimp is you. You�re afraid of rejection. And it may not work out between you and Adam, but as long as you give it an honest to god chance, Evan, it�ll be worth it. You�ll know that you tried. And you�ll have to put your whole heart into it each time, because that�s what love is; it�s what you�ve been missing out on.�
�Something tells me you�re getting this from recycled Saved by the Bell episodes.�
�Learn to take things seriously,� said Lily. She flicked the ash out the open window, the cool air streaming through harshly. �You have a decision to make. Tonight, I want you to go back to him. Tell him how you feel, that you�re ready to love. If you don�t go back to him, then you can spend the rest of your life figuring out what you missed out on.�
�Why tonight?� asked Evan.
�He needs to know. He�s desperate, man. If anyone knows desperate, it�s me.� Lily motioned towards the cigarette in her right hand, the hard candy in her mouth, and the half-empty cup of coffee in her left hand.
�I�m not ready for love. It�s such a load of shit; it�s commercialized fairy tales.�
�I wouldn�t say so. How will you know what love is unless you figure it out for yourself?� Lily smiled. �So, tell me more about him. Something must have made you realize it was going to be different, or else it would have never lasted more than twenty-four hours.�
Evan sat back in the bucket seat. �Probably because we didn�t even kiss that night at Sekira.�
Lily sat up abruptly. �Not one?�
Evan smiled a bit at his friend�s melodramatic display of reactions. �Nope.�
�How very uncharacteristic.�
�Yeah. After that night, he convinced me to go out with him again; of all places to go, he wants me to come over his place. Said he wanted to cook me dinner.�
�Very nice. Very �I Love Lucy�, but still, very nice.�
* * *
��and so I go to the wedding where there�s these fine china plates and crystal wine glasses, and I�m expecting, like, European cuisine to be served. And the waiters come out with twelve-foot subway sandwiches!�
Evan and Adam both laughed over their empty plates. Despite the short amount of time it had taken to eat their meal, they�d continued to talk for long, extended hours about pretty much nothing�and that seemed fine to both of them. Evan sat and stared at the younger boy who seemed to talk with such earnest, such overwhelming life.
He�s so na�ve, thought Evan, observing the way Adam�s eyes danced while he spoke, how his hands constantly seemed to animate his almost melodic voice. He was so wrapped up in his observations that he failed to notice that Adam had asked him a question.
�Oh, sorry, what?� Evan said, shaking his head.
Adam smiled. �Do you want a drink?� he repeated, his eyes bright.
Evan smiled in return. �Sure.�
Adam stood and headed towards the small kitchen in his apartment he had just moved into the previous month. He pulled two beers from the refrigerator and walked towards Evan who had risen from the table to join Adam in the kitchen.
�When did you move out?� asked Evan curiously.
�Last month. Mom and I aren�t getting along as well as we could. I decided to actually do something about it instead of listening to her complain. Here you go.� He handed Evan a beer, their fingers touching gingerly in the handoff.
Their eyes met cautiously. Adam stretched up on his tiptoes tentatively and cradled the back of Evan�s neck as if to guide him into the kiss.
Their noses collided with a small thud.
�Ouch!� cried Adam, embarrassed and blushing as he turned away to rub his red nose. He avoided Evan�s gaze awkwardly.
Evan was silent. When Adam risked a glance back at the dark-haired man, Evan's eyes were unexpectedly soft and startled. Taking hope from that expression, Adam seized Evan�s face in both hands and tried once more. This time their lips met firmly, and Adam closed his eyes, kissing Evan with new confidence.
Evan found that he enjoyed Adam�s virginal efforts. Adam's lips were stiff and clumsy underneath his at first, then, suddenly, they were yielding and sweet. Their nerves singed with a mixture of anxiety and relief. They closed their eyes, concentrating on the sensation.
Evan's lips were firm, but soft at the same time, Adam thought. Adam discovered that he liked being kissed. Evan's hands were closing over his arms, pulling him closer, and Adam surrendered to the warm, shivery, achy tingle racing up his midsection and tried to kiss him back.
Pulling away, Evan stood back to look at Adam�s face, which was filled with wonder and questioning. He decided to cease some of the queries with another searing kiss. His lips closed over Adam's bottom lip, tugging on it, Adam gasping a little. Evan�s lips nudged the gap wider, and Adam stiffened as the wet tip of a tongue darted under his top lip. Adam pulled away first this time.
Before Adam could say anything, Evan crushed Adam�s lips under his mouth; Adam felt like he was drowning. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth to Evan's onslaught, sliding his arms around the Japanese man's waist and clinging tightly, because he wanted to be closer to him, and because his knees were getting weak.
They both released and stared into each other�s eyes for a few anxious moments, both not sure as to what to do next. Adam realized he was still holding an extra bottle of beer in his right hand.
�Um�you still want this?� he asked, offering it to Evan. Evan took it in one hand without taking his eyes off of Adam�s.
* * *
�Dude, you were gonna start talking about sex, weren�t you?� G yelped, sitting up quickly, removing the brim from his view. �Look, I fuckin� told you��
�I know, I know, I was just seeing if you were still awake; we�re here,� Adam announced as he pulled into G�s driveway. The gravel crunched beneath the weight of Adam�s car, some propelling away from the pressure of the wheels. The headlights illuminated G�s white picket fence that he was rather ashamed of, and the green grass G�s parents attended to religiously. G gathered his things�a bottle of coke and a few CDs�before beginning to exit Adam�s car.
�Now, you know what you gotta think about, right?� said G, tying the chewed up, soggy laces of his Nike�s.
�Yes, mom,� replied Adam.
�No, seriously,� said G, advancing to the other sneaker. �You know where he�ll be now?�
�I�m guessing at home asleep like any other normal person would be��
�Then get your ass over there. Now. Leave straight from here.�
�I�ll see him tomorrow.�
�It might be too late, dumbass. Goddamn, I can�t believe I�m advocating a couple of queers.� G opened the car door, the cold air slapping against Adam�s cheeks. G held the car door open with one hand, holding his belongings with the other, leaning in to continue to talk to Adam. "If you really think he�s this important, you�ll go see him tonight.�
�Christ, I�ll do it, just close the fuckin� door, it�s cold.�
G did as Adam said, and gave a small wave, walking across the labored yard to his front door instead of taking the indirect route down the driveway.
Adam slowly put the car in reverse and backed out of the driveway.
I�m going home, he thought. Talk to him? Yeah, right. That really worked earlier tonight. Why talk when you know he doesn�t want to listen? I�m going home.
Adam headed back down the winding roads towards his house. It would be another hour�s drive that he wasn�t looking forward to. His eyelids drooped, and he willed himself to stay alert. Rain was beginning to drizzle its way into existence, and splattering against the windshield in an appealing rhythm that was countered by the large swipes of the wipers. The wipers smeared the drops rather than pushed them away, and it frustrated Adam�s already-strained eyes.
He activated the wiper fluid as he glided around a wide curve in the road, the slick black pavement looking gem-like because of the rain. He began to remember smaller, complex things that he and Evan shared between them, their secrets. They both had a child-like curiosity for everything and anything, even though Evan tended to hide his under a more sophisticated shell. Maybe that�s what Adam liked. Sophistication.
The clock read four-thirty a.m.
* * *
The leaves swirled and skittered around Adam�s feet, and he took it upon himself to dance with them as they fell from the sky and tickled his ankles lovingly.
�What�re you doing?� asked a bewildered Evan, who stood a few feet back. They were in a secluded part of the public park, a trail less traveled through a wooded area. He watched as Adam spread his arms out wide and proceeded to twirl in large circles.
�Twirling,� Adam said simply. �You should try it. The leaves are doing it too.� He closed his eyes amidst the rain of gold and orange which continued to swirl around him like a fiery desert storm.
Evan watched the magnificent innocent boy in front of him, whirling amidst the leaves almost magically. He watched as invisible hands guided the leaves through the air, in a choreographic frenzy that was as pleasing to the eye as watching his lover pick up a few leaves from the ground and crumble them marvelously between his fingers. It was enchanting to watch such na�ve curiosity and wonder in a boy of eighteen.
Suddenly, Adam stopped his caper and picked up a few more large, hand-like leaves. He walked over to Evan and weaved them carefully between Evan�s long, elegant strands of ebony hair.
�Um, Adam? What�re you doing?� asked Evan, a little confused.
�I don�t know,� said Adam honestly. �But you sure look pretty!� He snickered and ran away gleefully as Evan cursed and ripped the leaves from his hair.
�I am not �pretty�,� Evan shouted as he caught up with Adam and tackled him to the ground.
They rolled straight down a hill until a large, golden pile of leaves stopped their momentum. They continued to laugh, not bothering to stand and brush the bits of leaves off themselves. Lying on their backs, the strong, wide sky stretched over their heads, dotted with orange and pink hues. They paused to catch their breath.
�I remember coming here when I was little,� Adam began. �And ever since then, I�ve always felt little, always felt�innocent. It�s childish, but it�s�it�s great. When you�re a kid, weird things are important to you.�
�Hn.� Evan nodded. He understood. �Like how many branches you�d have to climb on that tree over there to reach the moon.�
�Or how the sun seems to spill cotton candy over the sky sometimes,� Adam continued.
�Or how the leaves crunch differently between your fingers than between your toes,� Evan added.
Adam laughed heartily, and curled himself up against Evan�s chest. �Can I ask you a favor?�
�Sure,� Evan whispered, the wind blowing away the volume of his voice.
�Can�can we just stay like this for awhile?�
It was a childish request, one that came straight from the heart. Evan complied, and he was content in those following minutes of talking about nothing and everything, and exchanging a few kisses. Adam managed to fall into a doze, sleeping peacefully on Evan's chest. It was a familiar position for Evan, and one that he�d never really had before the redhead had strolled into his life that night at Sekira.
Evan lay back against a pillow of leaves and felt the silence that spread between the two bodies that snuggled together warmly. He loved it.
* * *
�We�re here,� announced Evan, as he pulled up to the curb of Lily�s house. Her driveway was long, crooked, steep, and particularly frightening, and Evan refused to travel down it at any costs. Lily began to put on her shoes which still lay on floor of the car, next to an empty bag of Sun Chips.
�Okay. So, have you decided where you�re heading to now?� Lily tied an intricate bow on her right shoe, consisting of four knots too many, and she smiled up at Evan.
�Home. I�m tired.� Evan rubbed his eyes and yawned.
�Suit yourself,� Lily said, tying an equally complicated bow on her other shoe. �You love him, Evan. He needs to know that.� Evan opened his mouth to protest, but Lily held up her hand to silence him. �Uh-uh. Don�t say a word to me. Talk to him. He�s going to die if you don�t talk to him. He�s a man with a broken heart.� She posed in a melodramatic position, one hand over her forehead and the other over her heart. �And you are the only person who can remedy it.�
�I understand that, Lil, but it can wait until morning.�
�It is morning,� Lily pointed out, motioning towards the clock on the dashboard which now glowed four-fifty a.m. �He came to you for an answer, and all you gave him was a speech about how love doesn�t exist.�
�What makes you think I�ve changed my mind?�
�Because you love this guy. As much as you�re afraid to admit it, you love this guy. He challenges you. He makes you something you never were, and that scares you. But that doesn�t necessarily mean that the change is for the worst. If he has this much influence on you, it�s more than just a real good time, hon.� She lit another cigarette and paused, the only sounds being the running motor and the crackle of burning paper. �He wants to make this real, make it whole. You�re only giving him a hint as to what it could be. You can make it something more. You don�t think love exists because you�ve never experienced it before. You could experience it with him. But you�re not even giving him a chance. Give him a chance. Yeah, you could get hurt in the process.� She took another drag and winked at Evan, her face promising. �But life isn�t all about pink daisies and butterflies.� She climbed out of the small sports car and nodded good-bye, walking briskly to her front door to escape the cold.
Evan put the car in drive and slowly turned away from the curb. If he went left, he�d be on his way to Adam�s house. If he went right, he�d be going back home. He hesitated before making a sharp left, tires screeching against the damp pavement.
Damn you, Lil, he thought as he raced toward Adam�s house, trying to grasp why exactly he was doing this.
* * *
�Dude,� Evan said blindly. �I feel like I�m in that episode of Kids in the Hall where they blindfold the dog and duct taped a T-bone steak to its tail.�
Adam had blindfolded Evan, leading him by the hand to a destination unknown to Evan. Adam smiled eagerly. �Or, its like that episode of Home Improvement where Tim blindfolds his wife and takes her outside where he made a gazebo out of their kids� old playground.�
�You made me a gazebo?� Evan asked.
�You�ll find out, man. Just stay with me, now.�
Adam continued to lead Evan into darkness. Suddenly, they stopped in a warm room, where Evan felt the blindfold being loosened.
�And now the magician will castrate the poor assistant,� mocked Evan.
Adam laughed. �Just shut up. Surprise.�
The blindfold fell from Evan�s eyes to reveal Adam�s dining table. On it were two tickets to Newfound Glory, Evan�s favorite band. Evan�s eyes widened and he picked up the tickets to inspect their authenticity. His mouth open and closed, no audible sounds managing to make their way out.
�I take that as a �thanks, Adam�,� said Adam, smiling. His smile quickly turned into a grin as Evan gave him the biggest hug of his life, nearly constricting him of much-needed air.
�Jesus�wow�thank you�oh my god, how did you get these�holy mother of�thank you so much!� Evan sputtered.
�One more thing,� said Adam. He released Evan�s death grip around his middle and walked over to his refrigerator, where he had hidden a bouquet of six red roses. He held them with outstretched hands, one hand supporting the buds and the other underneath the stems. He bowed slightly. Evan took the roses from Adam, holding them up to his nose to smell them.
�Did I do that right?� said Adam with uncertainty.
�Yeah,� said Evan, smelling the roses in his hands. He placed them on the table next to the two tickets that were now crumpled because he had been grasping them so tightly.
Adam turned a chair around, and he sat straddling it with his arms resting on the back. "You said that was something you do for someone you respect, someone you care about. Right?"
�Yeah,� Evan answered, confused.
�Well, both those things are true.� Adam took a deep breath, as if he were about to deliver a speech he'd practiced. "I respect you. A lot. You�ve done and seen so many things that I can only dream of. And I just wanted to say�happy six months. And thanks for showing me all you have in the past six months." Adam set his chin defiantly, glaring at Evan as if he were issuing a challenge. "And I�I care about you, too."
Evan knew he would never have had the courage to say those words aloud, not without having any idea if they would be returned. They sat in silence for awhile before Adam piped up.
�Christ, did I say somethin� dumb again?� He bit his lip nervously.
Evan smiled softly. �No.� He pulled up a chair of his own and mirrored Adam, sitting backwards in the chair and letting one hand rest upon Adam�s, which gripped the back of the chair desperately. �Not at all.�
* * *
Adam jerked the steering wheel, turning around fully to head to Evan�s house.
Why am I doing this? he thought.
Because you�re hoping he can change. You�re hoping he�ll learn to love again. You�re hoping he�ll accept your love instead of throwing it back in your face.
Millions of thoughts scrambled through his head painfully, and he tried to concentrate on the road and his new destination. The rain poured a little harder now, the streetlights beginning to resemble large stars that loomed down upon Adam�s windshield.
He hit a pothole in the road, his car swerving a bit before Adam straightened it out on the road.
I can�t lose control, I can�t lose control, he repeated to himself.
* * *
They laid together, Evan on top of Adam, bodies still slick with perspiration and lust, breaths coming in great heaving gasps. Evan wiped some of Adam�s brilliant red hair away from his forehead, where it was matted down with sweat. Adam�s half-lidded eyes had darkened a bit, expressing exhaustion and happiness as the same time.
�How do you feel?� asked Evan quietly, his voice throaty and rough. He shifted his weight so that he lay beside Adam�s equally nude figure. Only a small window illuminated Evan�s room, casting contrasting shadows on Adam�s milky skin.
Adam continued to look at the ceiling, his voice coming like a hoarse whisper. �It was�incredible. �Weird,� he added, turning his head to face Evan. �But�wonderful.�
Evan smiled. �Would you do it again?�
�With you? Yes. With anyone else?� He wrapped his arm around Evan�s neck so his head now rested on Evan�s bronzed chest. �Never.� He began to slip off into sleep before murmuring softly; �I love you.�
* * *
Evan applied more pressure to the gas pedal, his mind racing faster than his small sports car through the rainy darkness. The rain smacked against the windshield and roof, creating an enigmatic percussion that was the soundtrack to Evan�s trek.
Adam remembered how scared he�d been that first night they�d slept together. He thought about it as he took a sharp right, his schoolbooks slamming to the bottom of the car pathetically. He remembered feeling vulnerable at first, like he wasn�t doing anything right. But Evan made him feel comfortable, made him feel like he was being taken care of. Made him feel loved.
Evan remembered how Adam resembled an angel�his pale green eyes and fair skin brilliant within the night�s darkness. How every touch, every caress seemed to singe Adam�s virgin body, and how he�d been scared to violate such innocence. But every small sigh, every whimper that spilled from Adam�s mouth encouraged him to go further.
Adam recalled muttering those three words they hadn�t dared say the entire six months they had been together. It was a phrase that was considered on the edge of dangerous. The rain was consistent now, Adam�s wipers furious as they attempted to do their duty and failed miserably.
Evan rounded a wide curve in the road, love fresh in his mind, things to say jumbled inside him, waiting to be untangled. Words and emotions undulated in his eyes. He wanted to give Adam whatever love he had�with both hands. An oncoming car�s high beams blinded him, and he looked away, catching a glimpse of brilliant scarlet. Within that split second, his car hit the other�s, flying into the rocky shoulder of the road, flipping the black Porsche Boxter and its contents three or four times before smashing into a ditch, completely totaled.
Adam had one thought before he was blinded by an oncoming car�s high beams and succumbed to the fatal impact.
I�ll give it all up; I�ll give everything for you. For just one more chance. I offer it with both my hands.