Susan reached her apartment, she didn’t speed, but she was lucky enough to find a spot to park right out front.

She walked up the stairs, seemingly lasting forever to the top. She got her key ready and opened her door, threw her bag on the couch, got in the fridge and opened up a Bud Lite.

She plopped herself on her couch, still not quite believing what she and Romano had said to each other, still not quite believing that he had so angrily violated her that way, "He literally raped me…" she sighed out loud.

She had been hoping so desperately after they had left the hospital that he would just tell her why he told Elizabeth that he loved her on that day. Why did it have to be the day after she and Romano had such a wonderful evening and morning after together?

She thought about how she must have really just pushed him too far, wanting answers so damned insistently, nearly begging him to do just what he had done, she thought. "I asked for it…" she sighed aloud.

Why did she have to be so damn stubborn? He had never given her any reason to think that he wanted to sleep with Elizabeth. Elizabeth had never given Susan any reason to think that she wanted to sleep with Romano even on that day that Susan told her to back off.

And yet, she had to be so fucking stubborn, so damn jealous.

It was the words in her head that wouldn’t stop after she had come to bed to be with him: "Meet with her" – "Face to face."

That is what had pushed her over the edge.

She had just wanted him to forgive her, and make sweet, long passionate love to her, just like they had been doing ever since the first night they spent together.

She once again recalled what she had asked him, just before he….

"When you go meet with her, are you gonna fuck her?!" She remembered screaming at him, shaking him violently. Where the hell that came from, she hadn’t a clue. She recalled how hard he had tried to start to make love to her, gently kissing her breasts, just the way she loved it, and she stopping him to ask that fucking question!

She chugged her beer quickly, going into the kitchen to get another, coming back to her bag on the couch, reaching in to grab the CD that Rocket had made for them, and grabbing the black shirt he had worn that night.

She hurried over to her CD player, which she had to buy again, since Chloe had once again, stolen from her. She inserted the CD, cranked up the volume and sat back on the couch. In one hand, the beer, in the other, Robert’s shirt.

As the CD begin to play, she took a quick swig of her beer, then smelling his shirt. As the songs played, and she could smell him from his shirt, she began to cry. Tears running down her face with each song that played, she needed only to smell his shirt once, she remembered what he smelled like, crisp, clean, it was the smell she had gotten used to smelling. She took quicker drinks of her beer, frantically running to the kitchen for another, standing at the refrigerator door, drinking it down. Reaching in to grab another.

Susan never had any trouble drinking - she could drink any man under the table. On one hand, it was a good thing, she could hold her booze, but on another hand, it took more for her to achieve the buzz that she so desperately wanted now. She threw the empty bottle away, and reached in for the last Bud Lite.

Still listening to the music, gently crying, now lying on her couch, with his shirt, she began to try to comprehend just what exactly had happened that night.

They had gone to County together to talk to Kerry; she had a run-in with Carter in the lounge, Abby had come in, she had seen how angry Carter was, and started accosting Susan as to why he was so pissed off.

Why had he been so mad that he would actually overturn the table in the lounge, with everything that was on it?

She remembered Abby asking her what she had said to him to make him so upset, Abby getting in her face angrily.

Abby shoving her on the shoulder, she shoving her best friend back, then leaving Abby to go for Carter.

How badly she had wanted to slap him in the face for calling Rocket a prick.

Next thing she recalled, was Abby running for her, protecting her man… Susan turning, now angry at Abby for not allowing her to take out her anger on Carter.

Then the punch to Abby’s eye, with such force, it threw Abby onto the couch in the lounge.

She recalled how much it had stung her knuckles, but she wasn’t finished with Abby yet, how she had wanted to pick Abby up from the couch and beat her senseless.

And John, warning her to stay away from Abby, not just for the moment, but also for good.

Carter telling Susan how much he wished for her to be terminated from County. She recalled looking at Carter holding Abby, asking her if she was ok.

And finally, after the meeting with Kerry, going to her locker, seeing Carter sitting there casually, and smiling at the fact that she was clearing out her locker, only to say, “Fuck you Susan” with the same grin that he had grinned at her so many times before, during happier times.

She needed another beer, but there weren’t anymore in the fridge. She desperately looked in her cabinets for some liquor.

Any booze would do, she found a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Not even getting a glass, she took the bottle in with her, back into the living room, now very tipsy, falling onto the couch. She remembered she had bought a pack of Marlboro’s on the way home, and she reached into her purse to get them.

Frantically opening the pack, taking one out and lighting it, and inhaling a huge puff. She hadn’t smoked since she and Rocket had gotten together, he detested it. Not just because it was disgusting, but also because he cared for Susan’s health.

She wasn’t sure if it was the JB that was kicking in, or getting that “first cig” high, but all of a sudden the room was spinning. Her mouth began to water, and she nearly didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. She threw up three times, praying to the porcelain God. She hadn’t thrown up from just booze in a long time.

She jumped in the shower, and now the shower was spinning, she dried off and went to her bedroom for the hockey shirt that Robert had given her on their first night together, and a pair of plain white panties. Emerging from the bedroom to have one more cigarette.

After she had smoked it, the room was still spinning, and she was so tired.

Tired from crying so much, tired from drinking, tired of thinking. She crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to her neck, grabbed the pillow next to her and hugged it, tightly. Trying desperately to imagine that it was Rocket. She sighed deeply, “Damn you Robbie…”
was all she said as she finally passed out.

Waking around 3:45 am, Rocket decided he needed to pee. He remembered being angry with Susan, so he didn’t feel for her, didn’t reach over to her to kiss her on the cheek like he usually did.

It was dark; he didn’t even notice she was gone.

After doing his business, flushing the toilet, putting the seat down for Susan and washing his hands, he came back to bed. Getting in slowly, so as not to awaken Susan, he wasn’t in the mood for any more arguments tonight.

He started to drift off to sleep, just what was he mad at Susan for anyway? He couldn’t recall right off the bat.

Suddenly, he remembered just what exactly he had done to her, he remembered why they had fought, and rolled over quickly. He desperately wanted to wake her and apologize, if he could.

He gently reached for her, feeling nothing but an empty, cold spot on her side of the bed. He thought perhaps she was downstairs, sleeping on the couch. She had every right to be, after the way I treated her,” he thought. He rushed out of bed, put his boxers on and raced downstairs. Susan wasn’t on the couch.

He looked into the kitchen from his huge living room, it was dark, “she couldn’t be in there either,” he thought. Still he went into the kitchen, perhaps she was sitting on the patio - but at 3:45 in the morning, he highly doubted it.

He went out the back door, Gretyl happily following him, and he noticed that Susan’s car was gone. “Shit!” He screamed. Looking down at the ground, “Fuck!” A porch light came on next door, and he raced back into his house.

He immediately got on the phone, dialing Susan’s number.

Susan could barely hear the phone ringing, as if distant in some dream. It kept on ringing, jolting her awake, and she was feeling the beginning of a migraine coming on. She had no idea it would be Rocket calling her and she looked at the clock, it was 4:15 am, “who the fuck?” she sighed, reaching for the phone. Picking it up, in a half pissed, half sleepy voice, “This better be damn good” she said.

Rocket couldn’t find any words, no words to express his guilt or any words to apologize, got scared, and quickly hung up.

She didn’t have caller ID on her phone in the bedroom, “You fucker!” she yelled to the sound of a dial tone.

Robert looked down at Gretyl, who was adorningly looking up at her daddy, “What have I done, girl?” he asked her as if she’d answer him. “What have I done to my sweet Suzy…”?

Susan quickly drifted off to sleep again, only to have the phone start ringing again.

Now she was pissed, “Who the hell is this?!” she yelled into the phone, her sultry, sleepy voice encouraged Rocket to finally say something to her.

“Suz?” he asked shyly.

She was still half drunk, and still very tired, the voice didn’t register with her. “Carter?” she asked, unsure of exactly who would be calling her at that time of the morning. She was sure it sounded like Carter.

“It’s me.” he said ashamed now to even have the right to be talking to her.

“Robert?” she asked, hazily.

“I’m sorry…” he started to apologize.

Susan had already hung up the phone, and had taken if off of the hook. She sat up in bed, hugging her knees for a few minutes, looking at the phone. She got up and went to the bathroom, took a couple of Excedrin’s and went to get her cigarettes and an ashtray. Getting back into bed, lighting one, she heard the phone buzzing like it does when it is off the hook. It finally quit after a few minutes.

She didn’t know what to do; she smoked and thought, for a long time, still sitting upright in her bed. “How dare he call me.” she tried to convince herself. Her mind racing back to the angry face he had when he was fucking the living shit out of her, no warning, nothing. He raped her. Pure and simple.

Oh she was willing, before he had done it, hell she had asked for it, but not like that, she wasn’t ready. He was just so angry and the way he had just rolled over when he was finished. So cold. So un-caring. So unlike the love that they had made seemingly a million times before.

She started crying again, tears coming quickly down her face.

Rocket had called Susan at least 20 times after she had hung up on him. He wasn’t tired now, he wasn’t angry now, he was hurt. Hurt and ashamed of the way he had treated the only woman he had loved in a very, very long time. “She didn’t deserve that, as jealous as she was, she sure as hell didn’t deserve that.” he said to himself, as he quickly got dressed. He ran down the steps, grabbed his car keys and soon, was on his way to Susan’s apartment.

Susan had finally, once again fallen to sleep. This time a deep sleep, she was dreaming….

It was like she was reliving what had happened between she and Rocket that night, and instead of her leaving, he left. He had left his own house, leaving Susan there all alone.

He had told her, in the middle of the night, that he had to go see Elizabeth. He hadn’t asked her if he should go, he merely took a shower, put the cologne on that Susan had loved so much, dressed very nicely and left. Leaving her there, alone in their bed.

All of a sudden she could see Rocket and Elizabeth together: He seducing Elizabeth, the same way the he had seduced her, only Elizabeth didn’t fight, as Susan thought she would.

Susan was right there with them, it was as if they were putting on a show for her, she was screaming for them to stop, but they wouldn’t.

She watched as Rocket, who had both of his arms in her dream, picked up Elizabeth and carried her to her bed.

She watched as Elizabeth allowed him to love her, the same way he had been loving Susan for the time they had been together.

She watched as Elizabeth asked Rocket how he felt about Susan, and Rocket’s response, “Susan who?” as he continued to seduce Elizabeth and they both laughed.

Now tossing and turning, still dreaming, Susan was still in deep sleep. So much so that she didn’t hear the knocking on her apartment door.

Robert knocked on Susan's door for what seemed an eternity. "Suzy, please" he started calling to her as he knocked now. Still no answer, finally trying the doorknob, he was surprised to find it unlocked. He turned it slowly, and was soon inside of Susan's apartment. He closed the door behind him and locked it.

He looked around her apartment; saw her bag on the couch, some beer bottles and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the table. Her apartment reeked of cigarette smoke. He had been to Susan's apartment before, never inside, just drove by a few times, noting where Susan lived. Before he really knew her, before when he just had a crush on her, just to see where she had lived.

She had great taste in her furnishings, left a lot to be desired as far as housekeeping went that night, but he didn't care about that. He wasn't there to see her place; he was only there to see her.

He knew she had been drinking, probably desperately trying to forget just exactly what he had done and said to her that night. He noticed the faint sound of music playing in the background, he went to the speaker to take a listen, it was the CD he had made for them, their soundtrack. He just shook his head in shame, "what am I doing here?" "I don't have the right to be here" he said and headed for Susan's apartment door to leave.

"No, I've got to see this through," he thought. "I've got to try to make her see how sorry I am for what happened, I need her back..." as he instinctively found his way to her bedroom.

Her door wasn't shut. He gently crept in and knelt down beside her face, just watching her sleep, watching her breathe. Gently touching her face with the back of his hand.

Now, gently weeping, he lay his head on the side of the bed, next to her. Whispering to her, “I’m so sorry babe, please wake up, how can I ever get you to forgive me?” “I love you, please forgive me…” now seemingly sobbing uncontrollably.

Susan heard a faint voice - “Wake up baby, please, I’m so very sorry…” along with sobs, thinking this was all a part of her dream, until she felt a gentle touch on her arm.

She awoke suddenly, still crying from the nightmare that she was having. Her eyes, now opening, seeing Rocket kneeling beside her, it all still seemed as though she was still dreaming.

She sat up in bed quickly, rubbing her eyes, wiping the tears, looking at Robert as if he were a ghost. Pulling the covers up to her neck, as though she was nude.

“It’s ok baby, it’s me, I’m here, it’s me, Rocket..” he said assumingly, as he got up and sat on the edge of her bed. He hadn’t even tried to hide the tears that had fallen and continued to fall down his cheeks, yet trying desperately to stop crying, biting on his bottom lip.

She just sat there, just looking at him in silence. Painfully recalling the dream - their first fight - he violating her so badly. Finally speaking, “Robbie, is that really you?” she asked desperately.

“Yes baby, it’s me” he sighed, now shyly looking down at the floor, his hand gently touching her arm.

She was confused, “What do you want?” “What are you doing here?” Now, suddenly filled with anger, her eyebrows furrowing. Deep inside, she was ecstatic that he was there with her and not with Elizabeth as in her dream. Still, she needed an answer - he had broken her heart that night, all in a matter of ten minutes before he finally finished and rolled over, his back turned to her. Crying now, unashamed, she asked, “Well?” “What are you doing here, why did you do that to me? How could you do that to me, Robbie, how?” searching his eyes for an answer. She could see the tears rolling down his cheeks, and she instinctively wanted to hold him, to take him into her arms.

He is looking deeply into her blue eyes, “I’m so sorry Suz, if I could take it all back, I would.” “There’s no excuse, not a single excuse, all I can hope for is that you can forgive me, please, please forgive me. Please say you still love me, please.” was all he could say. His eyes pleading with her for forgiveness, tears streaming.

She could see the honesty in his eyes; the fact that he even came to her apartment just to ask for forgiveness was enough for her. She took his face gently in her hands, “I’m sorry too, Rocket.” “I’m sorry for the jealousy, the accusations, all of it, forgive me too?” she asked.

“My God Suz, there’s nothing for you to apologize for, I’m the one, and I promise, no, I swear to God, nothing like that will ever happen again between us, never.” he assured her, looking deeply into her eyes. “I love you Suz, I love you so much it hurts.” was all he could say.

She gently smiled at him and started to unbutton his shirt. Leaning in to kiss him, he eagerly obliged, kissing her fully, deeply, with a burning passion. He stood up at the side of the bed as she eagerly started to unzip his trousers, he letting them fall to the floor.

He stood there, watching as she seductively took off the hockey shirt that she was wearing, and scooted over in her bed for him to get in with her. She opened the covers to welcome him in, revealing her white panties, her tan and toned legs.

He smiled at her, revealing the dimples she had grown to love so much, and took off his boxer shorts, revealing the excitement that never seemed to go away for her, and slid into bed, taking her face in his hand and kissing her lips, lying her down.

“I’m so sorry baby, please forgive me for doing that to you, I love you, I’ll never hurt you again, I swear it…. There will never be another reason for me to ask for your forgiveness, I promise,” he said as she reached up for him, pulling him into her embrace….