Abby just watched Carter walk off. She knew he was upset. He was always upset after losing a patient, but this time, it was different. Usually he would just get upset, tell the family and go to his next patient. This one seemed to hit him hard, more personal. She wanted to find out way, but knew not to bother him when he got this way.

Last time I talked to him while he was upset, he pushed me away, should I risk it? She thought nervously to herself. I guess I’ll let him go, figure it out and later try and talk to him or let him come to me.

Abby decided to shrug it off and walked to the lounge. She put her head on the table when Susan walked in.

“Hey, you ok?”

“Hmmmmm” Abby replied with her head still on the table. Finally lifting her head she answered Susan’s question, “It’s just been one of those mornings. I’ve been here for an hour and already it’s been bad. Carter lost a patient earlier.”

“The 7-yr-old boy? That’s sad. I wonder what happened.” Susan looked at Abby, rather melancholy

“Yeah and he was so upset, more so than usual, and I’m not sure what to do.” She sighed heavily. “Are you on?”

“No I’m getting off.”

“Lucky, I’m on until 8pm”

“Well Abby, I’m sure everything will be fine. Give him some time. Some cases are harder than others. He’ll come around. I’ll see you tomorrow”

“Bye Susan Thanks.” Abby said. Just then, Carter walked in and went to his locker, not saying anything to Abby.

Abby looked at Carter, desperately biting her tongue. She couldn’t bear it anymore,

“John…”

“Abby…”

They said in perfect unison. “You first John”

“Abby, I’m sorry about earlier, I just, I just couldn’t take it. He was so young. I don’t know what happened.”

“I’m sorry to John; I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to help you, but I couldn’t”

“You didn’t have to; I have to deal with this myself. Look, I’m going to go. I’ll see you when you get off.” He went over to the table and gave her a half kiss, with no effort.

She sensed it, but again, brushed it off.

Something is really bothering him. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong. I wonder what it could be. Maybe if I let it be, he’ll eventually tell me.

Carter walked down the streets of Chicago for a while, thinking.

Why is this bothering me so? What is it about the death of this little boy that is getting to me so much?

He walked towards the pier and just watched the water, the sky, the families.

Look at them, all of them just having fun, running around. Naïve about how life really is. What would I do if I had a child? How would I protect my child from the harm, sadness, and death?

Carter walked along the pier for hours. He couldn’t get Josh’s face out of his head. His innocence. He also couldn’t get the look from Josh’s parents when they heard the news. They were so devastated, they lost their only child and there was no way to stop it, it was an accident and the hospital did the best it could, but they couldn’t save him.

As he walked back towards County, he began to think of his life 4 years earlier, where he was. He was at a point in his life where he was dependent, not on a person, but on a substance. He didn’t realize it at the time, but he had people there who cared about him. Cared enough about him to find him help. He thought he was invisible, that nothing could harm him, and that he would never have anything to worry about. He was so naïve, so young. He knew life was fragile, but he didn’t know what you have until it’s gone.

Gamma came to mind.

I’m sorry Gamma. I’m sorry I wasn’t there; I should’ve been there for you more, returned your calls, helped with the trusts. I didn’t want to handle it, I didn’t want the responsibility. I do now. I know you aren’t here to see this, but I want you to know that I am going to take care of everything.

He missed his Gamma dearly. He didn’t realize how important she was to him until her funeral a few months back. He missed her so much. He hated going to the mansion without her there. The house was so empty. He knows, that is partly why he was very adamant about Abby moving in. He wanted another friendly face in the house. Someone other than the maids and cooks.

He reached County again and got into his Jeep. He drove, staring at the road, dazed. He looked down at the clock 10:00 am. He had been at the pier for hours.

He looked up just in time….SCREEEEEECCCCCCCH He hit his brakes and skidded of the side of the road. He just missed the pedestrian crossing the street, but hit a light pole. He hit his head on the dashboard and lie there, in excruciating pain.

He was looking at him with those crazed eyes, standing over him and laughing, plunging the knife into his lower back. They found him, but it was already too late.

Carter awoke as he was being pushed into the emergency room.

“John, John, are you ok? What happened?” Abby asked, desperate for answers, worried, nervous.

“Lucy, Is that you? Am I dead?” He asked, groggily, going in and out of consciousness.

“John, no it’s me, Abby. What happened?”

“Abby, Abby….”

“He’s unconscious. I need a head CT and IV fluids.” Chen yelled.

Abby stood there, frozen. She couldn’t think. She turned around and walked out of the trauma room. She needed some air. She headed to the ambulance bay, lowered her head and cried. She breathed in but couldn’t think. She pulled out a cigarette, something she hadn’t done in months.

Oh my God, John, what happened? What did you do? You better make it, I can’t live without you. Not anymore.

She looked down at the cigarette in her hand, and disgusted, threw it on the ground. She took another deep breath and headed back inside. She headed for the restroom and vomited, she couldn’t stand it.

She returned to the trauma room. “Is he ok? John? Are you ok?”

“We’re still working on him, go, sit down and we’ll come get you when we find out more.”

“No, I am not just another family member. He is all I have. I can’t lose him.” She screamed, emotional, almost to tears.

“There’s nothing more we can do here, we are waiting for the films to come back from radiology and we’re going to see if he wakes up.” Chen replied, grabbing her arm and walking her towards the lounge. “Abby, go home, get some rest, I’ll talk to Kerry.”

She looked at Chen and gave a fake half smile and shook her head. But she couldn’t leave; she just sat outside in the ambulance bay and prayed for John, something she hadn’t done in longer than she can remember.

It had been a few hours since she heard anything. She went into the trauma room where John was being worked on, but he wasn’t there. “Chen, Hey, Chen, where’s Carter?”

“Oh, he’s up in post op.”

“What?! No on told me, what happened?”

“He had some internal bleeding and a hemorrhage in his brain. He should be in ICU. “

Abby rushed upstairs to be by his side. “John, can you hear me?” She talked to him softly, hoping she heard him through his unconsciousness. “John, don’t leave me. I need you, you are all I have.” She put her head down on his bed and prayed some more.

“Abby…..” She looked up and saw Elizabeth Corday standing in the doorway. “Abby, I’m sorry I know you probably want to be alone, but I must talk to you about Carter.”

She shook her head, released John’s hand, and followed Elizabeth out into the hall.

“Abby, I’m sorry no on informed you about the surgery, it was emergency surgery, we had to remove his spleen and we repaired the hemorrhage in his brain. But, there is something else. We noticed some inflammation in his spinal column. We are hoping it will dissipate with time, but if not, John may be paralyzed.”

Abby blinked and shook her head “What? Paralyzed? I thought he hurt his head, not his back”

“Well because of the injury he suffered years ago, it put his back at greater risk of arterial injury. When he flung forward in his seat, it gave him whiplash, but it also pushed an artery and inflamed his spinal column. We are giving him anti-inflammatory and monitoring the progress, but it doesn’t look hopeful. I’m terribly sorry.”

She nodded her head in understanding and returned to John’s bedside. This time though, she began to cry. She let everything go “God, why, why are you doing this. I am so glad he is not dead, but he will be devastated. He’s such a great doctor, a great person, he doesn’t deserve this.” She continued to bawl until she fell asleep with her head on his bed.

Susan walked into the ER the next morning and went to the desk. “Hey Jerry, how’s Carter? Have you heard anything?”

“Morning Dr. Lewis, umm, I think he’s up in ICU.”

“Thanks Jer.” She walked to the elevator and headed upstairs to ICU. When she reached his room, she peaked in and saw Abby lying there. She just watched her and smiled.

She must love him to stay with him all night. I hope things work out between them; they are good for each other. She opened the door and quietly walked towards Abby and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Abby, hey honey, wake up. You should go home, I’ll check on in on him.” Susan whispered to her.

“Huh, uh, oh. Hi Susan” She said tiredly. “No, I think I should stay with him, in case he wakes up.”

“You won’t do him any good if you are falling asleep, you should go home, I’ll call you if there is any progress. I’ll tell Kerry you are taking a personal day.”

Abby smiled at Susan, grateful to have a friend like her “Thank you Susan, I’ll be at home, you know how to reach me, please, if he wakes up, tell him I’ll be back soon. I’ll be back in a few hours to check in on him.” She walked out of ICU, dreading the worst.