Eric left his program today and broke into my apartment, even though I was there. I can't believe he broke in. He could've knocked. Not only was I not expecting him, but I was just about to leave to go to the funeral with Carter. I needed to be there with him.

At the funeral, I had no choice but to bring Eric with me, but he promised to stay in the car and wait. Well, he didn't. He drank too much and made a scene in front of Carter, his dad and all of Gamma's friends. It was embarrassing not only for me, but for Carter as well I'm sure. After his big scene, he had an even bigger one, he fell into the grave!!!! Can you believe he disrespected Carter that much? And his family. I had to apologize for him. I feel like all I do these days is apologize to Carter for wanting to help my family, but I shouldn't have to apologize for what Eric does..

I know I hurt Carter today. I would've been hurt too. I was there to be with him, but yet, I felt selfish wanting to help Eric. I want to help him survive. I've been taking care of this disease all my life and for once, I want to be able to help someone. I wish Carter would understand. I just wish I could talk to him and help him understand my point of view.

I wanted to be with him, I always want to be with him. He needed me to be there for him, but I chose my brother. I don't really feel like I should feel selfish, but yet, I do. I feel like a terrible person for the way I've been treating Carter.

I watched John today with his patients, when he wasn't even on, and he has such compassion and empathy. I wish I had that same compassion. He watches and listens to his patients in a way that no other Doctor has.

He has such emotion that it makes me realize why he pushed me away. I want to be able to talk to him, but I will give him his space if that is what he needs. I hope he can forgive me, I hope I can forgive myself; I hope I don't do anything that would disappoint Carter even more.

May10, 2003

It has been another rough night in the ER. Needless to say, I think Carter and I are “on hold” right now. He’s leaving for Africa and I can’t help feel that it is because I am here. He wants to get away from me. He told me “It’s not Rio, but it’s not here” I felt so hurt. Like I pushed so far away that he needed to be all the way across the world to get away from me. I thought I was giving him enough space. I didn’t talk to him for over a week, and now, he’s gone and I don’t even know for how long.

Luka is in Africa as well. He called Carter looking for some help, maybe that is why he went, not only to get away from me, but also to help people. He has so much compassion that he would help others before himself.

It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t heard from Eric. I hope he remained in the program. I don’t know how else to help him. I feel like I’ve done everything I can and the rest is up to him. Have I failed him? Have I failed Carter? I feel like a disappointment.

Today, I didn’t even care that Doc Magoo’s was on fire; all I cared about was going inside and finishing my shift. Everyone else was so worried and interested in the eclipse that it was almost like they didn’t’ pay attention to their patients. Though I know they did. I was so cranky today, I even bitched out Dr. Lewis. I feel awful I was in such a mood last night. It was also supposed to be Pratt’s last night, and even though I can’t stand him much, I’m kinda glad he isn’t going to be leaving…….

May 17, 2003

Well, Carter is in the Congo right now. Not a good bye, not an “I’ll call you”, nothing. I almost feel abandoned. I can’t help blame myself for him going. If anything happened to him I would be devastated. I don’t think he understands why I miss him. I don’t think he knows how much I need him. I couldn’t live without him.

I spoke with Susan today and she tried to reassure me that Carter has not and will not stop loving me. He was hurt, but he still loves me. I hope so. I love him, I just think, I should tell him. What if I never got the chance to tell him?

I miss him so, I’m so worried. I hope He’s ok.

June 12, 2003

Well, Carter is back. He came into the apartment when he returned. I was asleep, but I know he was there. I could sense him. We still haven’t had a chance to discuss things but being with him, feels right. Maybe we shouldn’t talk. Maybe all is forgiven?

Luka is still in Africa. He stayed there with some girl, Gillian I think is her name. I hope he is ok. Carter was telling me about the civil wars and the armies. He was telling me about the diseases that are so preventable and that we take for granted that we can cure, but they have nothing. Everything runs rampant.

Luka may not even come back. The ER would be a different place without him, but he needs to find himself. I’m so glad Carter is back though, safe and sound. It may sound selfish, but without him, I couldn’t find myself.