Inside the cab, neither one of us said a word, he just lay his head on my shoulder, and I continued to try to calm him. In his mental state, I was more worried than ever about his surgery.

How would this affect his recovery?

I felt horrible, I had made him confess his pain, and it caused him so much pain, almost like opening up an old wound that really hadn’t even healed yet. And it was MY fault. If anything happened to him I could never forgive myself.

But I hadn’t asked him to tell me; something inside of him compelled him to tell me, I assured myself. "Yeah, you were a total bitch to him, that’s what compelled him." I thought to myself.

He needed to go into the surgery with positive thoughts, but after he told me about his family’s deaths, we had talked of nothing positive. We hadn’t much talked at all; it was too much for either of us think about. The hell he had gone through so many years ago, and yet I could tell, he was still carrying it around with him, like a suitcase. It was always there, I had imagined it as a huge hole in his heart that could never again be filled.

We arrived at County at 9:00, he was still weak from sharing his pain with me, not being able to eat, and his eyes were still puffy from crying so much. Suddenly I realized, I wasn’t dressed for work, and without knowing it, Robert and I were pretty much dressed alike, both wearing hockey shirts and sweats, AND I was still barefoot to top it all off.

I didn’t care who saw us come in together, oh I knew it would be shocking, but nobody would be able to look at us and know what had occurred between us, or so I thought. "You look like John Travolta and Deborah Winger in Urban Cowboy when they went to the rodeo in matching outfits, I thought to myself" How could anyone not think something happened? Ok, I cared, but just for a split second.

I helped him out of the cab and into the double doors.

Was is just me, or did it seem like everyone turned to look at us? You could have heard a pin drop, that’s how quiet it seemed; yet there was the usual hustle and bustle of a County hospital all around us.

I went to get a wheelchair for Robert, and he eagerly sat in it. That surprised me, I thought for sure he’d dispute me on that, maybe before he told me his tragic news he would have, I contemplated, but now, he just seemed so weak, and fragile.

I looked up at Jerry – Eyes wide open, eyebrows raised, jaw to the floor. Just as he was about to say something, I cut him off, "Zip it, Jerry."

“Robert, I’m going to my locker, I need some shoes, and I’ll be right back, ok?" He just looked up at me and nodded.

I got into my locker and grabbed my nursing clogs…Ahh, shoes… they totally clashed with my outfit, but I didn’t care and went back out to take Robert upstairs. I exited the lounge and he was gone. "Surely he didn’t wheel himself up there," I assumed to myself.

"Jerry, where’d Romano go?"

"Corday came by and took him upstairs." He declared, not even looking at me. Jerry knew not to piss me off when I was in that kind of mood, we had gotten into it before, and I always won.

"Oh yeah, I forgot, uh, he was supposed to meet her down here before his surgery."

"Whatever Dr. Lewis." As he reached to answer the phone.

Screw Jerry, I thought, I don’t have to explain myself to him, as I went back into the lounge to get some coffee. I went and plopped myself on the couch, exhausted. Finally alone, I had time to reflect and try to cope with all that Robert had told me.

I wondered if he had ever been that honest with anyone else before me. Certainly not Elizabeth, I thought. That gave me a queasy feeling of self-satisfaction, not at what had happened to Robert, my God, but that I knew, not her. I considered myself her unofficial rival at this point.

I was ready, really ready to commit myself to someone, and I wanted it to be Rocket. I laid my head back on the back of the couch, and started to drift away, I was so tired.

All of a sudden, I heard the door slam open, and in runs Malik, "Dr. Lewis! Magoos is on fire!" He shrieked as he ran back out the door.

I swear, it took me what seemed like 5 minutes to sort out what he had said. "Magoos is on fire?" I asked myself aloud. I looked out the window and sure enough, I saw the red glare glowing from across the street. I got up, ran outside and stood alongside Pratt.

“Whoa! Looks like somebody overcooked they burger” He said, laughing.

“Arson, definitely arson,” Jerry confirmed, matter of factly.

“Could be electrical, this place wasn’t exactly a model of code compliance.” I said to Pratt.

“Nice outfit, Dr. Lewis.” He declared, looking me over.

“Is anybody in there?” He asked me, as if I knew…

“Uh, as far as I know, CFD did a sweep, I assumed, almost as if I really knew.

Suddenly Abby ran outside, I thought she’d join us.

“Hey Abby, got any marshmallows?” I asked her, hoping for a laugh, God knows I needed a laugh, she always said the funniest things.

She just walked right past me, ran past me actually, as If I weren’t there, to a man standing outside smoking a cigarette in a gown.

“She’s mad at me. Oh great, I guess she really meant it when she said she’d disown me as a friend if I ever went out with Romano.” Recalling that it was she whom I had spoken with this morning when I called off to spend the day with Rocket. She knew I had been with Romano, she had assumed it on the phone. From the sound of her voice when I called, it appeared like she was almost cool with it.

I couldn’t think about that now… My mind was on Rocket as I watched the flames rise higher and higher, watching each fireman rush in, watching them hose it down with water.

I decided to try to get Abby’s attention again:

“Hey Abby, Doc Magoos is on fire,” I stated mockingly.

“Yeah, I can see that.” she said, not even looking back at me, as she walked, no she stormed, back into County.

I was already an emotional wreck, but Abby just pushed me over the edge. It was nice to have a girlfriend like Abby, but again, we were too much alike, she was irritable just like I was.

It was hard to believe that just about a year ago, when I was the one dating Carter that I thought I couldn’t stand her. I knew I was a snob, I really didn’t mean to be, and I just wasn’t as naive as some people were. As far as I was concerned, she was after Carter, and I didn’t like it.

Some of the girls that came in, the Residents, I took to, some of them, I didn’t. I remember I took to Deb immediately, she seemed genuine enough, she was easy to like. Carol was my best friend though, and I hadn’t had one of them ever since I left Chicago.

Abby though, she was so atypical. So quiet, so withdrawn, so self-absorbed, I thought. I couldn’t stand that about her. “What a snob,” I thought as I’d see her talk to Carter in the hall, or in the lounge.

It was the night that the dominatrix came to County that I noticed Abby for who she really was, whether she knew it or not, that was my first impression of Abby. As we fumbled through the “Mistress of Pain’s” bag, I realized something different about Abby…. We had the same sadistic sense of humor.

Here we were, all in a trauma room together, she and I, Carter, Gallant and Luka. After we had treated the dominatrix client, I guess you’d call him; we were alone with her “bag of tricks.” The weirdness of it overwhelmed me and I had to take a look: soon, Abby joined me, laughing together as we pulled out each sexual prop out of the bag.

It was the “Sexual Harassment” class that brought me closer to Abby. I learned a lot about her that day, enough to know that I wanted her to be, no I needed her to be, my friend.

She was so cool; it was then that I finally accepted, Carter wanted her, not me. I was cool with that. Carter and I had a crush on each other a long time ago, but that spark had fizzled out, and I knew it. I realized that he wanted her, and I was o.k. with it.

But now, here in this moment, I felt that Abby despised me, detested me for going out with Romano, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her friendship.

My heart felt so fragile today, first Robert, and now Abby, it was just too much to stomach.

I went back into the ER to go upstairs and see Robert before he went under.

Just as I had rounded the corner and was ready to hop up the stairs, two by two, I heard the voice screeching for me:

“Susan?”

I stopped on the second step.

“Susan!” Yelled Kerry.

She hobbled her way towards me at the foot of the stairs.

“Good you’re here, we need an extra pair of hands tonight.” She affirmed.

“No Kerry, I’m not here to work tonight, I called-in, remember?” I reminded her.

“Hmmm, as far as policy goes, if you called-in sick, you shouldn’t have brought your sick-ass in here, unless it’s to work.” She said mockingly. “And if you’re not here to work, just what are you doing here?” she asked, just like the bitch that she was.

“Well Kerry, it’s really none of your business, but if you simply must know, I’m here to see a patient, ok?” I acknowledged as I started up the steps again.

“That’s not acceptable, Susan.” She said as she started to hobble towards the front desk.

“Kerry” I said, trying to stop her, as she blatantly ignored me and hobbled off.

“Kerry!” I shouted.

She turned around to face me:

“Go to hell,“ I said, “You can take your policy and stick it, you know?” “Oh, and if I’m feeling better, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I screamed as I bound up the steps two by two.

I found myself pausing at the new corridor, the one with the view of High St. Below, when I spotted him:

“Why the hell isn’t he in pre-op?“ I asked myself.

For some despicable reason, he was on a gurney, in his hospital gown, in the hallway, of all places. When I saw him, my heart sank to the floor. When he saw me, that delectable grin crossed his face. The grin that I hadn’t been able to resist for the last 24 hours.

I didn’t care who saw me draw closer to him; I was on a mission now. To me, there was nobody else there, just Rocket and myself.

As I approached him, he looked a little better than he did when I left him in the hall, and I noticed the words, “Not this one, Idiot” written in permanent marker on his right arm. I stood by his side, my heart felt like it was on fire.. Everything in me wanted just to be with this man, but not like this, not before the most unbearable surgery a surgeon of his talent, had to go through.

I hid my pain by flashing him my notorious grin, I knew he could see my eyes, filled with the burning craving I had developed for him, in our short time together.

“How are you feeling?” I inquired. He just looked at me with those eyes. I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms, and take him out of this place, I had second thoughts about the surgery. I was frightened.

I didn‘t want to press it, I didn’t want to remind him of what he had told me, the story of his family still burning in my memory; I had to change the subject, and quick.

“Hmmm, that’s appealing,” I said with my smirk.

“Ya think so?” “I thought so too, I don’t feel like I’m in very competent hands tonight, Lewis…” He said sadly, yet jokingly, unknowingly flashing his delectable dimples at me, looking at me attentively, seemingly looking deep into my soul now.

“Obviously,” I said smiling. My real smile, not the fake grin I used all the time. He made me feel like smiling, just seeing him, just being there with him. “So, who’d you have to bribe to write that?” I asked unknowingly, not knowing just whom he had talked into writing that sort of thing on his arm.

“Would you believe it wasn’t a bribe?” “I asked Elizabeth to write it.” He said nonchalantly. “I asked her to scrub in too, if she had the time.” He added. “Believe me, with those incompetent retards in there, I need all the assistance I can get, and Lizzie is one of the finest,” He paused. “Excluding, yours truly, of course” he said with a wink.

My mind raced to the thought that Corday had, in my mind, literally sprinted him upstairs, stealing him away from me, as I was in the lounge, putting on my shoes. It’s almost as if she had done it deliberately I thought, as I felt my cheeks burn with fury.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lizzie is a excellent surgeon, blah, blah, blah,” I thought to myself. “Lizzie?” Since when does he call her Lizzie, I asked myself. “He’s been calling her that since forever dummie, think about it.” “You know how friendly they’ve grown since Mark died.” I reminded myself.

As much as I hated to remind and own up to myself, Corday was a gifted surgeon, and as much as it upset me to acknowledge it to myself, I really did want her to scrub-in and assist.

Trying desperately to hide my envy I vaguely replied. “Yeah,“ I said unpleasantly, “Too bad you can’t do it yourself, but as long as I know Corday will be in there with you, I know I’ve got nothing to worry about, and you shouldn’t either, Rocket ” I said again smiling, as I took his hand in mine.

“You’ve got the most stunning smile… If you don’t stop smiling at me like that, you’re going to make me change my mind about all of this and swoop you up to an empty room and have my way with you.” He said, cautiously. How did he know that’s exactly what I wanted him to do, I thought as my mind raced back to our evening together, all of the pleasure… And all of the pain. The pain overshadowed the pleasure sadly.

“Seriously though, thanks for everything, Sus,” he said, looking at me honestly, squeezing my hand.

I wasn’t quite sure how to take his “appreciation” at this point. What exactly was he thanking me for, I speculated?

“He’s thanking you just like he’d thank an escort, a call-girl” I told myself, nearly believing it. “You performed a service, and instead of paying you, he’s thanking you, thanking you for being the slut that you are.”

“God, you’re so self-absorbed, can’t you stop thinking about yourself right now, and concentrate on the man you actually have feelings for?”

“You’re a slut with a heart, that’s all, admit it, and come to grips.”

“Now, tell him you’ll see him later, and be done with it, cut your ties now, while you still have some shred of dignity left, dumbass.” I thought, looking into his pain-ridden eyes.

“Would you mind awfully if I gave you a quick kiss?” “You know, for good luck, not that you need it.” I asked him idiotically. I really just wanted a lame excuse for our lips to touch again, just seeing him there, so fragile, so lonesome, I longed for his touch.

“To answer your question, I really just wish you wouldn’t ask me, but just do it already” he said, matter of factly.

“Is he trying to scuttle me off?” I wondered to myself.

“Well,” I said, “clearly, there’s a lot of people walking through this corridor, and I wasn’t sure if you were apprehensive about people seeing, and talking” I stated.

I didn’t wait for an answer, but just swiftly looked around, and finally, allowed my lips to feel his, once again.

Before I knew it, his hand was on the back of my neck, embracing me there, as he tenderly and lovingly, explored my mouth with his soft tongue. I didn’t care who saw us now, tiny electrical impulses rushed through my body as we kissed, my tongue now fervently meeting his. Tingles raced down my spine to my toes, this kiss, stirring each part of my body…

“Oh Robert, I think I‘m…” I started to say, looking intensely into his eyes.

“Zip it, Lewis,” he said grinning, putting his finger to my lips. He tenderly took my hand and put a key in it. He closed my hand, and held it tight, kissed it, then let go of it, as if he were freeing me from his clutch.

“I want you to stay at my place while I’m in here, please,” he said, almost pleading. “Go get some sleep, keep Gretyl company. You need some rest after the night I put you through.” He declared with a egotistical smile, and a couple of raises of his eyebrows. “Check on me tomorrow, I’ll be here.”

He sounded upbeat, I was so delighted. I finally felt contented to let this surgery move forward. This was a different man than the one I had brought in less than a half hour ago. I snuck another kiss, nodded to him, “Until tomorrow, Rocket,“ I said and walked away, not looking back.

If I had have looked back, he would have seen the tears welling up in my eyes, he would have seen the fondness that I had in my eyes for him, and I just wasn’t ready to let him see that. Not yet, anyway. As much as I felt it, I wasn’t ready to show it, our connection, was in it’s early stages, I didn’t want anything to spoil what we had built up.

I ran down the stairs and passed the front desk.

Abby called out to me in a haze, I couldn’t hear much of anything, everything seemed mumbled, garbled. Besides, nobody else was there. Just Rocket and me.

I left the ER, walked a bit, tears streaming down my face, and hailed a cab. The reminiscences of our night together, our making love, the unspeakable, terrifying story of his lost family and now his forthcoming surgery, was seemingly too much for me to accept.

As I rode in the cab, crying non stop, the tears slowly dried up and my eyes started to burn with exhaustion. I remembered closing them for a second….

“….Lady!” “We’re here!” the cab driver shouted, nearly screaming at me.

I paid him, and got my key out of my pocket, hoping against hope that Chloe had passed-out on the couch again, just like she always did.