He looked so innocent just lying there, asleep, but from our night together, I knew better. He was about as innocent as I was, and that wasn’t innocent at all.

It seemed I had met my sexual match, in Rocket, and I thought I may have an idea as to why he’s nicknamed Rocket and smiled to myself.

I wondered what the staff at County would think if they knew exactly why he’s called Rocket.

I got out of bed and scuffled to the bathroom for a shower. My body felt exhausted, I had never made love 4 times straight like that.

I had never met a man who could keep up with me like that. I turned on the shower and let the warm water softly fall on me and thought about our night.

I thought to myself that I could fall really hard for Robert, if I let myself. I remembered Abby telling me that she would disown me as a friend if I even ever went out with Robert, let alone sleep with him.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to let myself fall for him. The physical attraction between both of us was so strong, I wondered since we both were so stubborn and bull-headed how long a relationship would last between us.

We were so much alike, sexually, our temperaments, the way we sometimes didn’t think before we spoke to others, then felt bad about it afterwards…

I had just finished washing my hair, when I felt an arm slide around me from behind.

"Morning Lewis" he said.

I turned around to look at him, and kissed him good morning. I was surprised as I looked down. There it was, the one thing that he didn’t want to part with, the arm that had helped him perform so many surgeries, saved so many lives.

It was disgusting to look at, obviously very infected; some areas were black and necrotic.

Today would be the day he would part with it, and he would officially be an "amputee." I just couldn’t fathom it, almost couldn’t believe it.

Some might say that he deserved it, what with the way he yelled at, embarrassed, belittled, bemused, and just plain pissed off so many staff members.

I didn’t believe in that fate shit, nobody deserved that, especially such a brilliant surgeon as Robert. It was too ironic though, too spooky for me to even think about any further at that moment.

He noticed my looking at it, trying not to make that "Ew" face, and asked me if I could pretend it wasn’t in there with us.

"I’m sorry Robert, I just hadn’t seen it, that’s all." I stated. "I’m just so sorry that it even happened, just so sorry that you have to amputate it, so sorry about all of it."

He put his finger to my lips, "Shhhhh, not now, please?"

I moved him in front of me, and started to lather his back, massaging his tight shoulders. We soaped each other up, and before I knew it we were at it again.

I thought to myself, "Now, 5 times in a 12 hour period, that’s got to be a record.." and floated away in passion.

We got out of the shower and as we toweled off, I suddenly realized I hadn’t brought anything for an overnight stay.

No clothes, no toothbrush, I mentioned it to Robert. He went to his drawer and pulled out a hockey shirt and a pair of sweats.

"Here, is this ok?"

A hockey shirt, I couldn’t believe it. There was another thing we had in common. I went to the drawer he pulled it out of and looked in. He had about 10 of them in there,

"Gee, are you sure you can spare it?" I asked sarcastically.

"Why, did you want a different team, or a t-shirt instead or something?" He asked.

"No, this is great, thanks."

As I got dressed. I watched him get dressed, with one arm.

It didn’t look easy at all, especially the sweatpants. He managed though, it took a longer time than I thought it would, but the pants were on.

"Nurse Lewis, would you please accompany me to the bathroom and bandage me up?"

"Uh, sure, I’ll be right in." I said.

He handed me an Ace, and I wondered if that was adequate enough coverage for what I was looking at.

He must have known what I was thinking,

"Don’t worry, that’s good enough, it’s not going to be on that much longer."

I wrapped it and handed him his shirt, then the sling. He immediately got up off of the toilet where he had been sitting while I bandaged him, and headed for the door as I grabbed his shirt to stop him.

"Wait a minute," I said.

I could tell he was very self-conscious about his arm and that he hated for me to see it.

"What?" He asked, rather abruptly, not even looking at me.

"Um, I just wanted to hold you for a minute, you know, I just want to comfort you, let you know that just because of your arm, you know, bandaging it up…."

He wouldn’t let me finish.

"I know, it’s disgusting, I’m sorry I asked for help in bandaging it, I should have never gotten in the shower with you, should have never let you see this horrible, sickening fucking dead arm of mine."

He said with disgust, looking down at the floor.

"No, it’s not that, Robert, I just want to hold you, can you please just let me hold you in my arms, I NEED to hold you, right now."

He gave in, but not very willingly.

I took him in my arms, my head resting on his shoulder, just holding him, stroking his neck and back.

As though he could read my mind, he said, "Look, don’t start getting sappy and sad on me, I don’t want or need your pity, if I wanted a pity fuck all I needed to do was pick up a whore, downtown at the corner."

I immediately let go of him, and looked him dead in the eye. How dare he say those words to me, had he forgotten about our evening, the sweet things he had said to me all night?

Was he just drunk when he said them, was he just drunk when I thought all along that we were making love? Sharing feelings, unspoken passion, obviously burning inside both of us.

I couldn’t think of anything else to do, so I just slapped him hard across the face and ran downstairs.

He came running down the stairs after me,

"I’m sorry Susan, I didn’t mean that." He said apologetically.

I was sitting on the couch, head in hands, crying. I hadn’t cried in years, I didn’t know what had gotten into me. I knew for sure that I didn’t want him to see me crying for Christ’s sake, so I got up suddenly and went for the kitchen.

"I’m hungry, you have any eggs?" I shouted.

I heard his footsteps and immediately wiped my face from the tears that had collected and ran down my face. I stood at the sink, trying to keep some sort of dignity, God knows, I didn’t think Robert had any sympathy in him for any weak woman, who actually had the nerve to cry.

"Susan, I…I’m sorry." He said apologetically.

I turned around, fuck it if he saw my tears, I thought.

"How could you say that to me after last night, AND this morning?!" I screamed and quickly turned my back on him.

Now the tears were really flowing. I always did have a bad habit of crying when I was furious.

"Fuck breakfast, I’ll get something on my way home, from McDonalds." I said as I went for the phone to call a cab.

"Please, this isn’t easy for me, I’m begging you, please don’t leave me now, I don’t want to be alone before my surgery." He pleaded.

He got on his knees, hands clasped as if in prayer. "Sus, you know I didn’t mean what I said up there. This fucking arm of mine clouds my judgment, I’m ashamed that I let you see it, C’mon, you know this is a put-on so you won’t see the real me.

Nobody sees the real me, I learned that a long time ago.. You know that I had a great time with you, surely after 5 times of making love to you, you’ve got to know that." He pleaded.

Here we go, I thought, back to the sex, can‘t we get past the sex and get to know each other mentally too?

"Get up, you look ridiculous."

I hated saying it that way, but that’s how I felt. He made me feel so ashamed for giving him that part of myself that I usually don’t give to other men, not even Chuck, my one and only husband.

Romano made me feel as though I had spent the night with him out of pity! He made me feel like he was having sex with a fool last night, and this morning, and I felt used.

Stupid me, I thought, a man like Romano having real feelings? You know this man from work, you know how he is, and you know how he was before you even decided to go out with him, why should a passionate evening change that?

I felt mislead.

Before I could stop myself, my eyes started to well up, and I didn’t want him to see me cry. If Romano knew anything about me, he knew I was strong-willed, professional, opinionated, and independent. I thought that’s what he liked about me.

"Gretyl!" I called, walking quickly towards the living room. She jumped up on me, happily, tail wagging.

"Hey sweetie" I said to her.

"Wanna go for a walk?"

She started barking enthusiastically. I immediately let the tears dry up - No way are you going to let Romano, of all people, see you cry like this. That’s all you need.

No, you’re just PMS’ing that’s all, you let your feelings about last night get to you, that’s all. No big deal, you’ve been through worse with men, as I remembered the countless one night stands that I had partook in, desperately looking for a true and real love, which in the end just made me feel like a useless slut.

Robert was standing in the doorway, just watching and grinning at my playfulness with Gretyl.

Is he so blind that he can‘t see this is an act?

"Where’s the leash? I’m going to go run and I want to take Gretyl with me."

"I thought you wanted breakfast," he reminded me.

"I’ll have it when I go home." I stated, not even looking at him. He went to get the leash and came to me.

"Susan, please I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said." He said adamantly. He tried to lean in for a kiss, but I wasn’t ready for that again, I wasn’t sure if I would ever kiss his lips again, didn’t know if I could, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t be weak.

"The leash?" I asked, holding out my hand.

Looking sad and defeated, he put it in my hand.

"You’re going to run bare-foot?" He asked with a smile.

God, that smile I thought, that’s how he got me in bed last night I remembered to myself. I suddenly recalled I had no tennis shoes, only the strappy heels I had worn the night before.

"Shit!" I forgot.

"No, I’ll walk Gretyl bare-foot, I don’t mind. It looks like a nice day," as I headed for the door, leash in hand.

I opened the door, sunlight streamed in, it was warm outside, Gretyl ran to my side, tongue hanging out of her mouth, tail wagging rapidly. I hooked her up and on my way out I said, "We’ll be back when we’re back." giving Robert the fake grin I had perfected after Mark died, to hide my true feelings, it wasn’t even a grin, more like a smirk.

I hadn’t really smiled in a long time, well not for an hour now anyway, recalling our shower together. Nobody seemed to notice the difference, the "fake grin" the "smirk" covered my ass and kept questions at bay, made things easier, especially at work.

While closing the door behind me, I noticed the look on Robert’s face, the look of uncertainty, he looked really bewildered, and that’s the way I wanted him to feel.

As I walked around the block with Gretyl I thought, really thought, for the first time since before Robert and I met at the restaurant. I knew why I went out with him, he excited me, and his misdirected anger turned me on.

Its all lust I kept telling myself, that’s all, just lust.

So why are you feeling the way you do, Susan?

Why do you feel so addicted to this man after one date then?

Because it WAS lust at first, now you’ve got feelings for him, just accept it.

I have known him for a long time, I insisted to myself.

No, you thought you knew him, you only knew him from work, that’s a hell of a lot different than knowing someone after an evening of pillow talk.

I had never spent the night with my previous encounters; I’d always slip out before they woke up. I got what I wanted, just like a man does, who says a woman can’t do the same?

Because, I reminded myself, you’re always drunk when you go home with someone, it’s easier to have sex with a stranger that way, get drunk, go to either their place, or my place, screw our minds out, then leave or make him hit the road afterwards.

I stopped suddenly, nearly choking poor Gretyl.

There was a bench up ahead and I decided to stop and sit for a moment.

As I pet Gretyl on the head, her big beautiful eyes looking up at me, I let it out.

The tears came easily enough, and so did the feelings.

Suddenly I was crying uncontrollably, I felt inconsolable, unable to stop.

I put my head in my hands and just let myself cry, all the while holding on to the leash.

Gretyl jumped up on me and nudged my face with her nose, then started licking my tears away, making me cry harder.

I loved Abby and Carter to death, but I was jealous as hell of what they had together. I wanted that.

I thought that‘s why I married Chuck….

It started out just like all the rest, met at a bar, went home with him, screwed his brains out, and forgot that I had carelessly given him my phone number before we left the bar together.

He called me the next day, we started going out: to movies, to the arcade, amusement parks, and one night wound up in Las Vegas.

After an evening of drinking, and gambling, we wound up at a drive-in wedding chapel.

He was too possessive, I still wanted to go out, and he wouldn’t have it. Finally I got sick of feeling like a "penned-in" animal and left town.

Figures he‘d follow me… For a while all seemed ok, but soon, the sex was getting stale, same position, same 6 minutes, no foreplay, nothing. I simply had to get a divorce.

Now, here I was, alone again.

"You’re daddy is a hell of a man, Gretyl. You’re a lucky girl, you know that?"

I asked her as if she understood what I had said and would reply to me.

I just sat there, tears streaming down my face as I continued to pet her.

"Susan!" I heard his voice in the distance…..

Frantically, I began to wipe the tears from my eyes, my face. Gretyl’s leash slipped out of my hands as she ran to her master, obediently.

I immediately got up as he approached me.

"What are you doing? Are you ok?" He asked anxiously.

"I’m fine, I think I stepped on a piece of glass or something, just taking a look." I said, lying my ass off.

"Let me see" as he sat down and picked up a foot. "Which one is it, is it this one?"

"Uh, yeah, that one." lying again.

"I don’t see anything, where does it hurt?" He looked so concerned, holding my foot gently.

"It’s fine, I rubbed it for a while, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Listen, I’ve got to get back to your house, I’ve really got to go, and I decided to go in tonight."

I was beginning to think I was a really good liar.

He looked at me suspiciously "Uh, ok, are you sure you’re ok to walk?" helping me up.

"Yeah, let’s go." I insisted.

He took Gretyl’s leash and we started to walk. I faked a limp as we walked, just to make it more credible. Soon, I lost the limp; after all, I told him my foot was fine.

"Here, will you take this? He asked, handing me the leash.

"Sure, whatever." I said as I placed it in my right hand.

He suddenly switched sides with me, now he was at my left side, as he grabbed my hand. We continued to walk and I looked over at him, no smile, just a blank stare is all I would allow myself to give him, even though he was all grins at me.

We got to his front door; I unbuckled Gretyl’s leash and instantly smelled something very good cooking, in the kitchen.

"What’s that?" I asked timidly.

"I made you breakfast, I hope you like cheese soufflé’."

I was amazed, once again.

"Come on, I’ve got the table set for you" he said as he took my hand and led me to the kitchen.

"But I….." again, the finger to the lips, "Zip it and have a seat…. He barked, then looked at me and looked down smiling,

"Please." "Old habits die hard, I’m so used to bossing people around, and again, I’m sorry."

I sat down and looked at the table. A nice antique tablecloth, a vase with a red rose in it, real china, and the place setting, was perfect.

"Would you like some fresh-squeezed orange juice with that?"

"Look Robert, this wasn’t necessary, I told you I really need to go home, and that I’d get something there." I retorted, looking down at the table.

"Please, stay and eat at least." I need to talk to you.

"Ok, but after I eat, I’ve really got to get going, besides, you need to go get your car."

"Fuck the car" as he got up to serve some soufflé’.

He brought it to the table and placed it in front of me. I really didn’t want to eat, I wanted to continue being stubborn, and I wanted to teach him a lesson, call a cab and leave. The smell of the soufflé’ was incredible, and before I knew It I had gotten the fork and was digging in.

I never was the type of girl to eat timidly in front of men. They could see my body, I’m sure they could tell I worked out; I could eat like a pig and get away with it. As I scarfed the soufflé’ I looked up at him, he sat across from me, elbow on table, hand under chin, just grinning as I ate voraciously.

I looked up for a brief second, those eyes, those damn eyes, I thought. The eyes of a past full of pain, betrayal of some sort, I was sure. The same eyes that lured me straight into his bed….

He started telling me his story, as I sat and ate and just listened.

"Susan, you know that I’m a bastard, and a son-of-a bitch, and a fucker, and a mother-fucker, cock-sucker, asshole, dick, dick-head, every name you’ve ever thought of calling me at County, that’s what I am." He said, knowingly.

Now he was looking at me as If I was going to agree with him, but I didn’t, just continued to eat, silently listening.

"BUT, do you know why I’m all of those and actually have the sense to admit it?" He asked.

"Because I want to be, to everyone I meet, everyone that crosses my path, because I can." He said, admittedly.

In between bites, "But why Robert?" I asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

"Because I’ve been fucked over in my life." he stated.

"Who hasn’t been, I know I have, but you don’t see me breathing down everyone’s neck, yelling at everyone." I said insistently.

"No, you don’t get it, Susan. You’re beautiful, perfect, brilliant, self-confidant, self-assured, kind-hearted.," he said as he grabbed my hand from across the table.

I let him hold it; I could tell he needed to be holding it as he continued to really pour his heart out to me now.

"You know I’m short, right?" He asked with the eyes of innocence, like a child. I nodded.

"I used to get the ever-loving shit beat out of me in college just for being short." he said regretfully.

"After college, I met this girl, she was so sweet, studying to be a neurologist, I had already graduated, and this was her last year. We began dating, I thought everything was great, and it was, " he continued.

And she wanted me! Even though I was short, and believe it or not, I actually had a full head of hair!" He stated excitedly.

I really wanted to marry this girl, her name was Lauralee, I was so in love, hell, we loved each other. I had met her parents, she had met mine, everything was going as planned. She had almost a month before graduation, she was brilliant, so smart and beautiful…"

He said, now looking down at the table, almost as if reading from a hidden stash of notes that I couldn’t see.

"I couldn’t believe this beautiful, brilliant creature actually wanted to spend the rest of her life with me" he said, now looking deeply into my eyes.

I swallowed hard, took my other hand and now I was holding his hand with both of my hands. I nodded; I was ready to hear this, hear it all if he was willing to tell me.

"Well, we got married, it was the kind of wedding every woman dreams of, I suppose, all flowery, in a beautiful church, 300 of our closest friends, all of that."

"About a year into the marriage, she became pregnant. I was ecstatic, this gorgeous woman wanted to bear my children, he continued. I decided that I wanted to be the one bringing home the bacon, so to speak, and I insisted she stay home while she was pregnant.

I had begun practicing with a couple of other, already well-known doctors, I was making good money.

We bought a house, not this house, but a nice, 2 bedroom house in suburbia. We were both so happy; it was almost like a dream. I remember the day like it was yesterday, as if it’s burnt into my memory forever…"

He trailed off for a minute, let go of my hands and got up to look out of his kitchen window.

I was afraid to say anything, he was opening up to me, I didn’t want him to stop, so I simply mumbled a lame, "mm-hmm," and he continued, still looking out of the window.

"I called her at lunch Susan, everything was fine, she told me about the wonderful dinner she was preparing for me, and I told her I’d be home, right on time."

Now turning to look at me, "I began the drive for home, for all I knew, everything was just fine, she hadn’t asked me to bring anything home, but I stopped to get her a dozen roses, oh how she loved roses…

As I began the drive down my neighborhood street, I could see police car lights in the distance. I thought someone must have been speeding down the street as many people did, but as I pulled towards my driveway, the cars were in front of my house.

I immediately stopped the car in the middle of the street and ran to the front door.

A police officer stopped me in my tracks, "I’m sorry sir, you can’t go in there, it is an official crime scene now." he said to me coldly.

I began to get goose bumps, as if I knew what he was going to say.

"I told him I was her husband and broke through….

Now silent and looking down at his floor. He was silent for a long time; I jumped up out of my seat and rushed to his side, gently rubbing his back.

"Susan, do you know what that monster did to her and my baby?"

I shook my head, now turning him around with both arms around his waist:

"They slit her throat, and cut out my baby, MY baby, our son, right out of her stomach, and hung him in the bathroom, with his umbilical cord, over the shower curtain rod.

Then they cut her head off, they fucking dismembered her Susan!"

Now, he was crying, sobbing uncontrollably, his body shaking vigorously.

I took him in my arms, and laid his head on my chest, just letting him cry and cry for what seemed like hours.

"I saw her! Pieces of her all over our fucking house, my son, hanging there, so small and innocent….

The smell of burnt chicken permeated the house Susan, her head was in the kitchen, her arms were…" he sobbed, letting the tears fall.

"Shhhhhh, it’s ok Robert, I’m here. Let it out, I’m so sorry, so very sorry" I kept saying over and over, thinking that I couldn’t possibly be consoling him one bit, yet trying so hard.

Suddenly he slipped out of my arms and fell on the floor in a heap, "Robert!" I screamed, so worried that he had hurt himself, he had fallen so hard.

I immediately fell to the floor and scooped him up in my arms, rocking him as he sobbed.

"You know, they actually cut her finger off to get the wedding ring?"

He was in a stupor, dazed and confused, looking up at me like a small child, sobbing.

"Oh Lauralee, why did you let them in," he asked me.

"I told you to always lock the door, you knew we had some crazy neighbors move in, why didn’t you listen to me God damnit!" He screamed at me.

"You and Michael would still be here, ooh why, WHY, Lauralee?

How could you leave me like this?"

I held him tightly in my arms, I happened to glance at the clock; it was 6:37 pm.

I immediately scooped him up and helped him upstairs. We got into bed, fully clothed, and I just held him until he stopped crying and drifted off to sleep.

My God, I thought, after he finally drifted off….

No wonder he’s been so miserable to everyone. This horrible tragedy had happened to his young family, he didn’t know who did it, or even why, but he had been living with his horrendous secret for years. I continued to hold him and the tears started rolling down my cheeks, as I held him tighter.

I awoke around 8:30, still clinging to Robert.

He was peaceful now, sound asleep.

I gently kissed him on his forehead then cheek, then his mouth. I still couldn’t believe what he had told me, and the tears began again.

I crept out of bed to the bathroom and put the toilet seat down and sat on it.

I began to realize why Robert was the way he was towards everyone.

He blamed everyone!

He lost his wife, his son, and had been holding onto that pain ever since.

I turned on the water in case Robert woke up, and I began crying, sobbing just as he was, asking God "why" almost yelling at Him that it wasn’t fair, over and over.

I splashed my face with cold water, and heard him calling me, "Susan! Susan are you here?" Frantically he was calling me.

I ran out of the bathroom, and jumped back into bed. It was dark; I turned on the nightstand light, and held him again.

"I thought you’d left me, I thought I’d scared you away, telling you about Lauralee and Michael like that." He looked up at me, "I’m so sorry Susan, I’m so sorry to burden you with all of that."

"Shhhhhh, I’m glad you did, " I whispered to him, I want you to know you can tell me anything, ok? I’m here for you, no matter what, I‘m not going anywhere…"

I called Gretyl up, and she immediately jumped onto the huge bed that Robert and I both lie in. She settled herself at the foot of the bed.

"Sweetie? Rocket? It‘s time to get up, we‘ve got to go"

He opened his eyes, "Wha? Go?" still in a stupor of sleepiness and drained from our evening together and from the crying.

I looked at him, his eyes all puffy and swollen.

"It’s time to go baby, I said. Another hour before your surgery."

"I’m scared Susan, I’m really, really scared," he said frightened.

"It’s for the best Rocket, you know it, and I know it. It’ll all work out, I promise, and I’ll be right there for you if you need me, ok?"

I kissed him on his forehead.

"I’ll call the cab, ok? We’ll go in together," as I kissed him sweetly on his lips.

As I started to get out of bed he stopped me, "Susan, you’re so beautiful and sweet to me, please don’t forget me." He said, looking at me as if this were the last time he’d be seeing me.

"Romano, how could I ever forget you, you’re my sweet, knight in shining armor," I said, almost surprising myself with the words.

"I am? Really?" as he looked at me with those eyes, those beautiful, full of every pain and hurt he had ever had, eyes.

"Yes, you are my knight in shining armor, I really, really mean it." I said as I kissed him one last time before I made the call for the cab….