I can't describe how I feel since he left. Empty and sad are
definitely two adjectives that describe it very well, though.

I always knew that it would hurt me very much if he left me one
day, but I had no idea that it would be like that.

I don't feel like eating, I can't sleep. Even breathing is almost
too much. It's like it's not a reflex anymore. I have to remind
myself to breathe in and breathe out every single minute of every
single the day.

I knew this would come, though. All men in my life left me.

The hope that it would be different with him was there. He made me
believe that he really wasn't going anywhere. And honestly, there
still is that hope.

He didn't say it was over, neither did I. But the fear that it
could be over is almost killing me.

And I could understand if it was.

What did I do?

He was always there for me and I left when he needed me.

I know what it might have looked like. But it's not true, I didn't
choose Eric over him. I love them both so much.

I hardly believed my ears when he told me that Gamma died. I knew
how much she meant to him. But I also knew that I had to go and get
Eric.

I was so worried about him, thought he was dead. I could hardly
believe that he contacted me. I couldn't risk that he disappeared
again.

It broke my heart that John did not understand. I didn't mean to
hurt him. He was so cold and distant, it scared me. I never saw him
like that before.

But I thought I'd be back in a few hours, I couldn't know that we'd
miss the flight. I wanted to be with John so badly.

And Eric proved me wrong again. It's not that I was wrong about
going to get him. But I thought I could help him more. I thought he
was willing to accept help. But it was like it was with Mom. She
always promised to get better, but didn't make it in the end.

I won't give up hope with him. But it made me sad that I couldn't
help him more … again.

And what he did at the funeral … I have no words.

It was so important for John to give Gamma a memorable funeral that
honored her.
It was memorable, yes, but not in a good way.

I wish he knew how sorry I am about that all. But I really wanted
to be with him, didn't want to disappoint him again. I just didn't
know what to do with Eric. I couldn't leave him alone. I had no idea
that it could end like that.

But it seems like John doesn't know how terrible I felt and still
feel about it. He told me clearly to leave him alone and didn't
contact me since then.

It hurt so much to hear that from him.

But I thought it was better to listen to him and go. He wasn't
ready to talk. Though it hurt to go, to see him cry alone without
being able to do anything to make it easier for him, like he could so
many times for me.

He could never change anything when something bad happened. But
just his presence, to know that he was there, made it better.

I feel so bad that I couldn't give that back to him.

And that he didn't even tell me that he planned to go to Africa
hurt even more. Like it's not important for him to tell me.

I tried to reach out for him, but he didn't want me near him.

I wish I could just forget about him, go on with my life. But it's
not possible. I love him more than anyone else. It's so hard to live
right now, without him.
And it's not only that. I don't have words for how worried I am
about him.

He is there in Africa, under bad conditions, with God knows how
many diseases. And he is near the war zone. I can't stop to worry
about him. I wish he was here with me and I can't wait for the day he
will be back.

Though I am worried about that, too. How will he feel after Africa?
What did his eyes see?

I can imagine that he saw terrible things. I know that it will
upset him, I hope he will be able to deal with it. And I hope he lets
me be there with him.

And I hope he will give us another chance. I can't live without him
anymore.
I never felt that happy in my life before.

I want to be mad at him, because he hurt me so much, but I just
can't. I know he didn't mean it. That's at least what I hope, what I
try to tell myself to make it a little easier.

But I can not always convince myself, I started smoking again, I
forgot when. I really hoped that I could make it this time. But it
was too hard. I am just glad that I can resist the need to have a
drink at the moment, though I definitely feel like having one.

I wish he knew how I feel, how much I miss him and how much it
hurts not to be with him. And – I hope he feels the same.

I decide to stop staring out of the window at nothing really and to
go to bed.

The view is not interesting anyway. People walk by on the sidewalk.
They laugh, they smile, some kiss their loved ones. It only makes me
even more sad, makes me think even more about him. Nothing makes
sense without him.

And I am exhausted anyway, though I know I won't be able to sleep.

My eyelids are heavy when I lie down on my bed – alone.

He didn't sleep in this bed for a while now. I hope that will
change again. It feels so empty and just not right without him. I
feel empty.



I remember the happy times we've had together. The times when he
was there for me, the times he understood me, comforted me. I miss
that so much.

I also miss being there for him. To see him smile. To feel his soft
lips on mine. To love him.

Love. A short word, four letters only, that means so much.

I never told him that I love him. It's not that I don't, because I
do. I just didn't do it yet because I am scared. Scared to let him
know how much he means to me. Scared that he doesn't feel the same.
But I have to tell him now, before it's too late.

I close my eyes and sigh before I start my routine.
You can call it routine, since it's what I do since it all began. I
hope it was no the beginning of the end. I don't think I could handle
that.
I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, think about him – "us".
Yes, there is still an "us". At least that's what I hope.

Suddenly I remember that he should be back tonight. I am wide awake
again, as I was the whole time to be honest. But now I am excited.

A little happy even. I can't wait to see him. I hope he changed his
mind, that he didn't forget me like I can't forget him.

I wonder if I will see him at work later. I doubt it, but you never
know.
I roll over on my side and try to finally find some sleep.

I sleep on his side of the bed since he is gone. I know it's
stupid, but I feel closer to him when I do that. Sometimes I even
wear his shirts at night, like I do right now. Or I just hold one in
my hands, close to my face, to inhale his scent. I miss him so much.
After what seemed like hours I finally fall asleep, with him on my
mind.

It's like it was just a second ago that I closed my eyes when I
feel myself wake up again.

I could swear I feel the presence of someone in the room. Though I
know this is not possible, unless ... I don't really dare to hope it,
but I open my eyes anyway.

I hope more than ever that this is not just a dream.

And then I really see him sit there, on my bed, with his face
buried in his hands. Is he crying?

I feel my heart beat faster. I hope he's not here to tell me that
it's over.

Suddenly he turns his head and looks at me, into my eyes.
He looks so fragile and vulnerable. He is not crying, but looks
like he's about to. I can see the sadness in his eyes and it breaks
my heart to see him like that. I want to wrap my arms around him to
comfort him, but I decide to wait until he says something.