Sex Jokes
Social Security Sex Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Man's sex life Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified... "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life. Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey. "Ten years is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years. Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?" The lion graciously agreed. Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?" And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Why's it not sweet? This actually happened at La Tourneau University in July this year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A blonde female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red,and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied) she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
CONFOUNDED SEX A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
Which best fits you? Nike Condoms: Just Do It! Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling! Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby! Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop! Ford Condoms: The best never rest! Chevy Condoms: Like a rock! New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know! California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever! KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good! ! Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing! Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one! Campbell's Soup Condoms:Mmm mmm good! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone! Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper! Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going....! M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border! MCI Condoms: For friends and family! Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Why I fired my secretary Two weeks ago was my 55th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning, anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing ! I've heard all day." Let's go. We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday... And there I sat...on the couch...naked.
ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE: Penis breath, a lover's dread Is what you get when you give head Unpleasant as it tends to be Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why you bothered reaching for his fly But it's too late, can't be a tease Accept the facts, get on your knees You know you've got a job to do So open wide and shove it through Lick the tip then take it all Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl Slide up and down, use your tongue And feel the precum start to run So when the fuck's he gonna cum Just, when you can't take anymore You hear your lover's mighty roar And when he hits that real high note You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff Okay, already that's enough Let's switch you say, before you gag And whats your revenge, your on the rag.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl 1 Firm banana Directions: 1. Look into laughing eyes. 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently. 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers. 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight). 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls. Notes: 1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. 3. If cake rises, leave town.
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, the lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
*******The Top Ten Men!!******** 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes" 2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you'll love it." 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em" 8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
Meeting the Parents A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 5 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 8 or 9 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist .............
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK: 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT. 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YR MONKEY 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT W!ILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT 13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
Cheap Drinks... A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays. After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food. After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." "No problem," says the bartender. "He's upstairs with my wife." "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. "Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"
Planning Ahead: A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom section. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......
JOKES: Dirty Minds Quiz 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? 5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 6 inches long -the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, it is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. What is it? ANSWERS: 1. A dentist 2. A wedding ring 3. Peanut butter 4. A chewing gum 5. An elevator 6. A nose 7. A newspaper boy 8. A glove 9. A crane 10. A toothbrush SCORING: 0 - 1 YIKES!! 2 - 4 Get your mind out of the gutter! 5 - 7 Good job. 8 - 10 Are you asexual?
Top 10 V-day Cards: 10. I admire ur strength, I admire ur spunk,But the thing I like best is getting u drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold & hollow, Unless one day u refuse 2 swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card @ the store, In hopes that later u'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. ur a woman of style, ur a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking ur big-round-ass. 5. B4 I met u, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Thru all the things that came 2 pass, Our love has grown but so has ur ass. 3. ur a honey and ur a cutie, I just wished u had J-Lo's booty. 2. I don't wanna b sappy or silly or corny, So right 2 the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If u think that hickey looks like a blister, u should check out the 1 that I gave 2 ur sister!
Sex Facts Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not? 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth. 2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. 3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. 4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins! into the bloodstream, pro! ducing a sense of euphoria and lea ving you with a feeling of well-being. 6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. 8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. 9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. 10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Some kick-booty pick-up lines! (Stare at her until she says "What!?!" then calmly say:) "It isn't just gonna suck itself." I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes. Nice legs... What time do they open? Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one? I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
I, the penis, hereby request a raise for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths I plunge head first into everything I do I do not get weekends or public holidays off I work in a damp environment I don't get paid overtime I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation I work in high temperatures And my work exposes me to contagious diseases. Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas. You do not take initiative- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing You'll retire well before you reach 65 You're unable to work double shifts You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags. Sincerely The Management
Smoking Raincoat Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.
Cosmetic Surgery After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful Glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of her bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse. "They're very nice but I am a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well," said the nurse. "The first is from the surgeon. The operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant" said Lucy. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for the new ears!"
BLOW JOBS!!!! WHAT GIRLZ SAY ON THE SUBJECT: 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning." WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT 1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me. 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old &fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep." 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Misproununciation? President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated at one of the finest tables. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a short skirt and legs that won't quit comes to his table. "What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and answers, "A quickie." The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takesover, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.
