Racist/Offensive Jokes
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Here's some Q&A for ya: Q. What's the Cuban national anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby? A. Sum Ting Wong Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast? A. They're hiring Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either. Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm? A. A pimp. Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe. Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!" Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this." Q. What is the most confusing day in Harlem? A. Fathers Day. Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
CANADA VS. USA 24 SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN 1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK" 2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine on the chesterfield." 3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars. 4. You drink Pop, not Soda. 5. You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!! 6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans. 7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway. 8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway 9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers . 10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group. 11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. 12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Pamela Lee and Mike Meyers are Canadians. 13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian 14. You know what a toque is. 15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed." 17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter and road work. 19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day . 20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan." 21. You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada." 22. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade ... 23. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?" 24. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them further.
WV VS. US YOU KNOW YOU ARE FROM WV IF... 1) Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway 2) "Vacation" means going to the family reunion. 3) You've seen all the big bands 10 years after they were popular. 4) You measure distance in minutes. 5) You know several people who have hit a deer. 6) Your school classes were canceled because of the cold. 7) Your school classes were canceled because of heat. 8) You've never had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 9) You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." 10) Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies. 11) You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year. 12) You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to fix dinner. 13) You know what 'ridge ridin' is 14) You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. (And your car as well!) 15) You carry jumper cables in your car ...for your OWN car. 16) You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are. 17) You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 18) You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. 19) The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for sports. 20) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. 21) You find 95 degrees F "a little warm." 22) The local carwash is the town hang out spot 23) There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1,000 or more. 24) Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as "goin wal-martin"or off to "Wally World." 25) You describe the first cool snap (below 50 degrees) as good chilly weather. 26) A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. 27) You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself. 28) You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour and water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy"). 29) It is perfectly normal to despise WVUI without ever having actually attended either university. 30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from WV
Poor lil Guy This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend. The friend says, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes. "OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears. "Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat." With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrath that. I would like to thee the horth run."
Man, What's wrong with people?! 1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Blind Pilots Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms-both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
80'S VS. TIME * You know what "Sike" means. * You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off." * You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer." * You can sing the McDonald's Big Mack, Filet-o-fish,quarterpounder,and French fry song. * You know who Mr. T is. * You know who Fat Albert is. And who was old boy with the pink mask? * You ever wore fluorescent, neon clothing. * You could breakdance, or wish you could. * You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween. * You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!" * Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away. * You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye. * You knew that knowing is half the battle. * You wanted to be on Star Search. * You can remember Michael Jackson when he was black. * You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth. * You remember the garbage pail kids, and owned some. * You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout." * Rut row raggy.* and *Zoinks* * You HAD to have your MTV. * You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. * You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. * You owned cassettes. * You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. * You remember and/or owned any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or the Muppets glasses from McDonalds * Poltergeist freaked you out. * You knew who Ben Stein was before you could win his money,"Bueller?" * You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins,ET,Dukes of Hazzard,Knight Rider, Strawberry Shortcake or A-Team lunch box. * You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. * You know what leg warmers are and probably had a pair. * You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish. * You wore your Izod shirt with the collar up. * You had a Swatch Watch with ! the Swatch Guard. * Your Legos collection started with the free sets in a Happy Meal. * You remember when Happy Meals came in a box, not a paper bag. * You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. * You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos. * You know what a "Push Up" ice cream is. * You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. * You had to change into *play* clothes after school. * You owned, or knew somebody with a Commodore 64. * You hated Scrappy Doo. * You recorded songs off the radio with your boom box. * You wish you had a light saber. * Somehow you still know all the words to songs played on VH1's "Big 80's"! * Your arm was full of rubber bracelets. * You have ever said, "Gag me with a spoon." * You have ever wondered what happened to Saturday morning cartoons. * You had to get up to change the channel. * You can still sing 1 to 12 from the Pinball machine on Sesame Street. If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a "Child of the 80's".
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid *A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A few beers short of six-pack *A few peas short of a casserole *Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box *The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead *One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl *One taco short of a combination plate *A few feathers short of a whole duck *All foam, no beer *Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel *Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt *Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear *Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel *Too much yardage between the goalposts *An intellect rivaled only by garden tools *As smart as bait *Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash *Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair *Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor *Forgot to pay his brain bill *Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels *His belt doesn't go through all the loops *If he had another brain, it would be lonely *No grain in the silo *Proof that evolution can go in reverse *Receiver is off the hook *Several nuts short of a full pouch *He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD 1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself 3. If You Drink Don't Park - Accidents Cause People 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut 6. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing 11. If At First You Don't Succeed, blame Someone Else . . . And Seek Counseling 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings" 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer 14. Horn Broken . . Watch For Finger 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God . . Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me; I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong 35. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 36. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. . . [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] 37. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph, Are Also Timed For 70 mph 38. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge 39. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut? 40. (Too crude - deleted) 41. Axe Me 'bout Ebonics 42. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 43. Boldly Going Nowhere 44. Cat: The Other White Meat 45. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde! 46. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That 47. Heart Attacks . . . God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends 48. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 49. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost? 50. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets 51. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 52. Saw It . . . Wanted It . . . Had A Fit . . . Got It! 53. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom 54. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN 55. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets 56. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them 57. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke 58. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship 59. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore 60. So you're a feminist . . . Isn't that precious? 61. I need someone really bad . . Are you really bad? 62. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Grand-Daddy Longlegs: A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" She asked. "They're mating," her father replied."What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked."No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.
Q&A Tyme, Screw the Innocent ~What's the difference between lesbians and wheat thins? One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker. ~What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity. ~What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. ~What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. ~What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. ~How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit in the dark and bitch. ~What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. ~Why are men and parking spaces alike? Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled. ~Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. ~Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. ~What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. ~What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. ~Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. ~A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. ~Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your parents. ~Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. ~What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. ~What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" ~What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. ~Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. ~Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. ~Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. ~Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. ~What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe. ~What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row, row, row your boat. ~What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"
IN THE BEGINNING Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, at what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe will be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot while Australia will be relatively tranquil." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely arid while that one will be covered with ice." The archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass. "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Huntington, WV, the most glorious place on Earth. The people from Huntington and Southern West Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous; and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them a super-human, unbeatable football team that will be admired and feared by all who see and play them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance." God replied wisely, "Wait until you see what I'm putting in Morgantown, WV."
