Old People

Political Jokes

"You know the world is off tilt, when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest basketball player is Chinese, and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
-Charles Barkley

A Special Thanks To Bill Clinton

Dear Mr. Ex President Clinton: I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my "Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:

1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I leave anyone out?

2. Thank you for teaching my young children about oral sex. I had really planned to wait until they were older to discuss it with them, but now they know more about it than I did as a senior in college.

3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place (especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other one involved does NOT have sex.

4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag the Dog" could be plausible after all.

5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful, Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and John Kennedy look moral.

6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the 5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying about Democratic campaign fund raising.

7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonments from the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.

8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully disguised as necessary trips.

9. Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars--- I really didn't need it in the first place, and I can't think of a more well deserving group of recipients for my hard-earned dollars than jet fuel for all of your globe-trotting. I understand you, the family and your cronies have logged in more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.

10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them rejoin society.

11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming gifts you've received from your "friends."

12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White House for vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I also appreciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware, linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals, etc.) out of Air Force 1. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus less tax dollars spent on jet fuel. Thank you!

13. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million dollar advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10 million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!

14. The last and most important point - thank you for forcing Israel to let Mohammed Atta go free. Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release so-called "political prisoners". However, the Israelis would not release any with blood on their hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton, and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted" that all prisoners be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by flying an airplane into Tower One of the World Trade Center. This was reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. Why shouldn't Americans know the real truth?

What a guy!! If you agree that the American public must be made aware of these facts, pass this on. God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my taxes so wisely and frugally.

SINCERELY,
A US Citizen

PS Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing" the Internet, without which I would not be able to send this wonderful factual webpage

"HELP FIGHT TERRORISM"

President Bush has asked all Americans to unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our midst. The Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman who is not one's wife.

Therefore, Everyday at 2 PM EST, all American women who live in residential communities are asked to appear in public completely naked for one hour to help weed out terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove that Americans believe it's OK to see other women nude. Also, since Taliban disapprove of alcohol, men should display a cold six-pack beside them as further proof of anti-Taliban sentiment.

Send names and addresses of non-participants in this public display of female nudity and male beer drinking to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.

The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts. Please send this on to your fellow patriots to ensure 100% participation.

Dear Taliban

Dear Taliban, Mr. bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr, Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old fashioned game of Whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is winner- take-all, we unfortunately will be unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.

While we will admit that you are off to an impresive lead, it is, however, now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now... Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

C0-Owners: The FATHER, SON, and HOLY GHOST

Manager - George W. Bush
Asst. Manager - Dick Cheney
Head Coach - Colin Powell
Asst' Coach - Donald Rumsfeld
Starting Pitcher - Norman Schwartzkoff
1st Base - U.S. Marine Corps
2nd Base - U.S. Navy
3rd Base - U.S. Air Force
Shortstop and Clean up hitter - U.S. Army
Outfield - Firemen and Policemen
Umpire - None required *
* remember - the manager told you there'll be no discussion; no negotiation; and you didn't want rules, anyway!

Pinch hitters as needed -
U.S. Navy Seals
U.S. Army Green Berets
U.S. Army Rangers
U.S. Air Force PJs
Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:
4th Base - United Kingdom
5th Base - Russia
6th Base - China
Other Bases (as desired) - Pakistan, Japan, Germany. France, Spain, Italy, Israel, Saudi Arabia, Eqypt, Turkistan and lots of other....Stans, and more.

Opening ceremonies:
Vocal 1: Celine Dion - The Star Spangled Banner
Vocal 2 : Lee Greenwood - God Bless The U.S.A
Vocal 3: Bruce Springsteen - Born In The U.S.A.
Vocal 4: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team... it won't really matter (even if you all shave), our guys are gonna win!

Sincerely,

On behalf of the 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

p.s. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah; because your butt is OURS!!!!! Goodbye literally.

Tragedy-  President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when  he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand.  "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President.  "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.  In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs.  Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right.  And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

A little help is in order:

A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want  you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have aheadache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have aheadache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "
"When was the last time you two had sex?" "About eight years ago." "Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, . When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.  A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife hasbecome unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."

this isn't really political but it sounds like something one would come up with

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