Men will always be Boys
MEN CLICK
WOMEN
HERE
CLICK HERE
One hot July day, we found this old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight, starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, the complaining type, said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El-Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El-Take-O. The next day, hubby had an appointment with his doctor, which is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor (many of our friends and neighbors). The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." She did and said,'these are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." She does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me." Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, andI don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says,"here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I can't get into your pants." And Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..." The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door... "Yes, yes!" "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee =profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee =promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT. (you know who you are)
WOMEN'S ADS 40-ish............................ 49 Adventurer.................. Banged all your friends Athletic......................... No tits Average looking......... Has a face like an unmade bed Beautiful....................... Pathological liar Contagious Smile....... Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated.................... ..Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure....Takes daily medication Feminist........................ Fat ball buster Free spirit..................... Junkie Friendship first.......... Trying to live down reputation as a ho Fun................................ Annoying Gentle............................Comatose Good Listener.............Borderline Autistic New-Age..................... All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only, no Blow Jobs Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing Passionate.................. .Sloppy drunk Poet................................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional................Certified Bitch Redhead..................... .Bad dye-job Reubenesque.............. Grossly Fat Romantic.................... Looks better by candle light Social........................... Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray Voluptuous.................. Very Fat Weight proportion w/ height. ......Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate......... Stalker Widow....................... Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart.............. Old bag MEN'S ADS 40-ish................ 52 and looking for a 23-yr-old Athletic.............. Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking....... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Educated.............. Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit........... Banging your sister Friendship first...... As long as friendship involves bookie Fun................... Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking.......... Arrogant Very good looking..... Dumb as a bag of shit Honest................ Pathological Liar Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mama's boy Mature................ Older than your father Open-minded........... Wants to bang your roommate but she's not interested Physically fit........ Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet.................. Wrote ex-girlfriend's digits on a bathroom stall Sensitive............. Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive........ Queer Spiritual............. Got laid in a cemetery once Stable................ Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful............ Says "Excuse me" when he farts
Dangerous little green snake Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. A couple in Cocoa Beach had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing in a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping sees her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. Time passed ----------------- Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and a weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.
IRS Genie A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket.. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a! lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." **POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Yeah this happens... The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
The Lost Chapter of Genesis Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history.
Nude Sunbathing Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" "A bird," the guy replied. The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.
What I Want in a Man 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet
WHY MEN THINK HIGHLY OF THEMSELVES 1. We know stuff about tanks 2. A 5-day trip requires only 1 suitcase 3. We can open all our own jars 4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group 5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name 6. We can leave a motel bed unmade 7. We can kill our own food 8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness 9. Wedding plans take care of themselves 10. If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend 11. Underwear is $10 a 3-pack 12. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices 13. Everything on our face stays the original color 14. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough 15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming 16. Car mechanics tell us the truth 17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me" 18. Same work - more pay 19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character 20. We can stop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift 21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends 22. Your pals will never trap you with:"So, notice anything different?" 23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors 24. We can do our nails with a pocketknife 25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes 26. The same hairstyle lasts for years maybe decades 27. We don't have to shave below the neck 28. A few belches are expected and tolerated 29. Our belly usually hides our big hips 30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons 31. We have the freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache 32. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people in one day
I intercepted a criucial piece of email from a female in distress about her computer.Maybe this will help at least one of you too. :-) -- john --------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Desperate *************************************************** Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0 But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5,Happy hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1 Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3 too often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress 1.0, which would then require you to run Private Investigator 7.5 utility and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0!
HER STORY: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something Else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else??? .................. ..................... ................... .................. ................... .................. .................. .................... .................... HIS STORY: Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all number "1" in IMPORTANCE! Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair. Shopping is NOT a sport. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. If something we said can be interpreted two ways! , and one of the ways pisses you off, we meant the other one. It is genetic for us to look at women. Just deal with it. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is. If it itches, it will be scratched. Get over it. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will take it as truth. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine - Really. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. You have enough clothes...You have too many shoes. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass is too big.. 10% of women think their ass is too little... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.
The RIGHT answers to cheesy pick-up lines: He: Haven't we met before She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic. He: Is this seat empty She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. He: So, wanna go back to my place She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock? He: Your place or mine She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. He: So what do you do for a living She: I'm a female impersonator. He: Hey, baby, what's your sign She: Do Not Enter He: How do you like your eggs in the morning She: Unfertilized. He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason. She: Right, let's pick up some chicks. He: I want to give myself to you. She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. He: I know how to please a woman. She: Then please leave me alone. He: I'd go to the end of the world for you. She: Sure, but would you stay there?
