Lawyer Jokes
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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what happened: Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
Actual Statements Found In Insurance Forms The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. 1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. 4. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 5. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 6. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. 7. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole. 8. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. 9. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 10. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 11. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 12. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 13. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. 14. An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 15. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs. 16. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
And we thought some of OUR laws were strange... Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one) In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense...) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (...a brick?) The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they enforce that one?) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores. (Of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)
Prison VS. Work IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet. AT WORK........You have to share. IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.......They are called supervisors. IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!
Heavenly Marriage.... On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married Heaven." "Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
WVs Dumb Laws: No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions." Unmarried couple who live together and "lewdly associate" with one another may face up to a year in prison. When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers. Any person who commits adultery shall be fined at least twenty dollars. It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs. A tax of 1 cent is levied for every 16 and 9 ounces of coke sold in a store. A person may be placed in jail for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challege. It is illegal to snooze on a train. A person may not hold public office if he or she has ever participated in a duel. For each act of public swearing a person shall be fined one dollar. According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag. If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined. Roadkill may be taken home for supper. Whistling underwater is prohibited. Alderson One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash. Huntington Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse. It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps. Nicholas County No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.
