Not made of Steel. Written by Dreammaker_V Paramount owns everything, but the words. The song belongs to Michael Bolton. I’m just playing in my sandbox with both. He stood looking out the viewport in his quarters, reflecting on the past couple months. He’d tried so hard to keep is exhaustion, physical and emotional pain to himself. He knew that the Captain and crew relied on him to stay strong. To be there to help solve any problem that might arise. They’d even made him the unofficial ships counselor, listening to all troubles and finding ways to assist the crew. Now as he stood there, he felt guilty. I’d let them down. He thought he had it all under control, but today he collapsed on the bridge. He knew he needed to talk to someone himself. No one, not even Kathryn knew all that had happened to him in the last 2 months. Oh, sure she was there when the ship had been attacked, but she’d spent a week in sickbay, due to an injury that the EMH wanted to let heal naturally. This also provided her with needed rest. He was happy to take over for this period of time. So while she was laid up, he took over her job and his. By the time she was back on duty, the ship was pretty much put back together. He wouldn’t allow any one to tell Kathryn how bad the damage had been. She’d even began to come around about them, but at the last minute, she slammed the door. Pushing him away yet again… Next came the 7 days spent on the surface of that uninhabited planet, the crew had named ‘Hellsville’. It was HOT, dirty, and unless you had on a environmental suit it was hard to breath. It was even hotter and harder to work in those blasted suits, so he had to choose the lesser of two evils. Just when he thought he could relax a bit, they came across a species known as the Tobattien. They were slick. Made you think they were there to help. Just when the crew began to trust them , they kidnapped and tortured him. Sure, the whole crew knew they had mistreated him, but nobody knew to what extent. He made the EMH, swear not to tell anyone. The crew didn’t know that, not only was he physically tortured, but mentally and emotionally as well. So there he stood, feeling guilty, for letting them down, but also feeling like he need to let down himself. How did he make them understand that he was just a man. That he was not made of steel. How did he let Kathryn know he was tired, hurt and needed help. He felt so weak and alone. He’d failed them all. As he sat down on the sofa, laying his head on the back with his eyes close, he began to relax. When he thought he might be able to put the events of the last few hours behind him, his door chime sounded. “Come.” Was all he said. He didn’t even look up. He knew with out looking who was there. As She walked into the room, he wasn’t sure if it was the Captain or Kathryn coming in to see him. He knew as soon as she started to talk, he’d be able to tell. “Commander, how are you feeling? “ The Captain, that’s who he was dealing with now. Still not raising his head or opening his eyes, he answered. “I’m fine, Captain!” She couldn’t help but notice he emphasized her rank. Sitting down on the table in front of, and placing her hands on his knees, She felt the muscles in his thighs tense. Ignoring it, Janeway went on. “I don’t think you are. I don’t pretend to know what is going through your head, but I think you need to talk to someone.” Interrupting her, “Just who the HELL, am I suppose to talk to? I’m the one everybody goes to with their problems. I’m the one you send the crew to when they need a counselor. So tell me Kathryn who do I go too?” “Chakotay!? I’m worried about you. I’ve never seen you this way. You can always talk to me.” She said. Standing and heading to his door, he turned and said, “Talk to you? How can I tell you what the problems are, when you’re part of the problem. Now, if you don’t mind Captain, I’d like to be alone.” The Captain stood, and went to the door. Stopping just before it opened, she said “I’m sorry you feel that way. As your Captain, I suggest you find a way to deal with whatever is bothering you. As your friend, I’m always here for you.” Touching him lightly on the arm, she walked out of his quarters. ****************************************************************************************** The next day on the bridge, Kathryn couldn’t help noticing, how bad he looked. He had very dark circles under his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in several days. He looked and acted as if the life had been drained out of him. He was extremely quiet all day, not saying anything unless directed straight to him. As she sat there, watching him, her heart began to break. She knew that there was nothing she could do. Nothing he would let her do. Oh, how she loved this man, but Starfleet protocols wouldn’t allow it to ever be. Deep dawn she knew he was holding something back from her. Something he wasn’t telling her. Even in this condition, he was protecting her. He was a strong man. The strongest man she’d ever known. Not with brawn, but his inner strength. Looking at him, she almost wanted to cry. Kathryn wanted the old Chakotay back, but didn’t know how to find him. She only hoped he’d find a way back. He caught her watching him, he tried to smile, but it showed as a weak grin. Her heart began to crumble. She had to find someone to help him. **************************************************************************************** It was late, when Chakotay walked into the Mess Hall. He expected it to be deserted, but coming from the kitchen, was a soft voice singing. Walking to the counter, he picked up a piece of fruit, then put it back. He ordered a glass of juice from the replicator and retreated to a dark corner. sitting in the darkness, he listened to the happiness of the voice in the kitchen and wished he could be that way again. Just then he heard the voice say, “Who’s, out there?” As a face peered out at him from behind the counter, “Oh, Commander, it’s you! Can I get you something?” “No thank you, I’m fine.” Chakotay answered not moving. “Commander, You appear to be distressed, is there anything I can do?” “No! I think this one I have to work out on my own, but I’m not sure how.” The Commander said, staring at his juice. “Well, I’m a good listener, if you’d like to talk. Sometimes telling someone about it, can help you gain insight and a fresh prospective.” Looking at the man standing across from him, the Commander asked. “What are you doing in here so late?” “I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d get a snack. I thought at first you were Neelix. We all know how he feels about people in his kitchen. Now are you going to talk to me? I promise everything that you say stays between you and me.” Said the man as he sat down across from Chakotay. “Okay. I need to talk to someone. It might as well be you.” Chakotay answered looking at his hands. “You remember when we had the run in with the Lotucis?” Looking at the Commander, the younger man replied, “Yes. Go on.” “Well, I think that was the beginning of the end. The end of my sanity, Nothing has been right since. We worked our selves to exhaustion then, and with the Captain out I worked doubly hard. I’m not complaining, you know I’d do anything to ease the Captains burdens and to help this crew. It just seems over the last 2 months, I’ve not had anytime to let down. People need to understand, I may be the Commander of the Starship Voyager, but I’m also a man. Nothing more, nothing less.” not sure how to proceed with the question he wanted to ask, the young man, looked at his Commanding Officer and asked, “Commander, you started to pull away from the crew after you were rescued from Tobatti. What happened on that planet? They did more than just torture you physically, didn’t they.” Oh so softly, Chakotay answered, ”Yes, they did.” “Tell me. If it’s not to painful.” For the next 3 hours, Chakotay told his companion all that had happened. From the beginning of the abduction until he woke in sickbay. The young individual listened in horror, to the tales the Commander told. The stories of mental, physical and emotional abuse. The stories of how he had nightmares, each night and now was afraid to sleep. How sometimes, when he was in his cabin, he felt like someone was watching him. How he just wasn’t sure he could handle all the pressure any more. How he’d let the crew down, but more importantly, he’d let the Captain down.” “Commander!? You haven’t let anyone down. You know the Captain loves you?” Looking across the table, Chakotay began to laugh. “Loves me? What do you mean she loves me? She pushes me away every chance she gets. The only person the Captain loves is herself.” The pain was evident in his voice. “Stop now!! You Love the Captain and she loves you. You to need to find a way to each other. Chakotay, You are flesh and blood. You are not made of steel. You can’t carry all of our problem without breaking. I’m not a Counselor, but I think before you can work out some of these other issues. you need to talk to the Captain. Tell her what happened to you on that planet. Don’t always try to spare her the hurt. Let her help you through it. Let her figure out that she needs you as much as you need her. Take it for what it’s worth. That’s the way I see it. Did I help you at all Commander?” “You’ve given me a lot to think about. You’ve also given me a new perspective on the problems. Now all I have to do is come up with a solution.” “Chakotay, If you don’t feel you can tell her, write it down. Put it on a Padd and let her read it, but find some way to tell her. She needs to know what you’ve been through.” Standing both men headed for the door. “How and when did you become so smart, Harry?” “I had two very good teachers. My Captain and My Commander. Good Night, Sir” Harry turned to head for his quarters, vowing to talk to the Captain tomorrow, letting her know he’d spoken to the Commander, but not betraying his trust. ************************************************************************ The next morning, as she stepped onto the Bridge, Captain Janeway watched as her senior officers took their appropriate place. “Report!” She instructed as she sat in her command chair. “Captain, All systems are functioning normally. Engineering finished the refit of the warp core just a few minutes ago. Long range sensors show nothing for at least the next seven days. Voyager is right on course for the Alpha Quadrant.” Chakotay answered looking right at her. Kathryn continued to stare at him long after he’d looked away. He still looked extremely tired, but there was something about him today. Some of the edge of the past few days was gone. She silently wondered if her plan had worked. Slowly she turned to look at Harry over her left shoulder. He just smiled at her. Kathryn made a mental note to talk to him when their shift was over. **************************************************************************** Catching up with Harry, just outside the Mess Hall, Janeway asked. “Ensign, may I speak to you? Please?” “Yes, Captain.” Turning to his companion, “Go ahead, I’ll be there soon.” Pulling him into an alcove, beside the Mess Hall, the Captain asked. “Was Chakotay in the Mess, like I said? Did you get to talk to him? Would he open up to you?” “Captain, slow down!” He said calmly while trying to stifle a laugh. “One at a time. First! Yes, he did come to the Mess Hall, just like you said he would.” Interrupting, “Harry, did he talk to you? Did he tell you what was bothering him? Did he open up?” Her voice was betraying every emotion she felt. Concern, panic, desperation, but most of all love. Shaking his head, Harry continued, “Yes, he talked to me. He told me everything. Everything that’s bothering him, and everything he’s been through. Captain, I don’t think any of us know all that’s gone on with him these past couple months.” “Well are you going to tell me or not?” Kathryn asked, putting her hands on her hips in command fashion. “I’m sorry, Captain. I can’t betray the trust he’s put in me. When he’s ready he’ll tell you himself. I’ll keep talking to him, helping him sort all this out.” Turning to leave, he looked back. “Captain, I care about you both. He’ll be fine. Can I ask you a personal question?” “You can ask it Harry, but it’s Captain’s privilege not to answer.” She retorted with a smile. “Do you love him?” Harry asked shyly. “This stays between you and I, Ensign. I’ll answer that, because I owe you for helping get through to him.“ Harry nodded, and Kathryn continued. “Yes, Harry, I love him more that life it’s self.” “Tell him how you feel. Tell Chakotay, you love him.” Harry turned and walked through the Mess Hall doors. Kathryn, turned and headed to the turbo lift, unaware that her tall, handsome First Officer had heard the whole conversation. ************************************************************************* Sitting in his quarters, Chakotay thought about the conversation he’d overheard. He should be angry, she’d plotted against him. He wasn’t! He kept tuning back to the fact that she admitted that she loved him. Even if it was to someone else. Why couldn’t she just tell him. He decided to take Harry’s suggestion and compose a message to her. He didn’t know if he’d ever send it to her, but maybe he’d feel better if he at least put it on paper. As he began to type, Chakotay remembered a song he heard several year ago. It was from the 20th century. He decided to use some of the phrases from that song to help him with the wording. Finishing he laid the Padd on the table and went to shower. ***************************************************************************** Alone in her cabin, Kathryn thought about all that Harry had told her. She thought about the man next door and what he was going through. She didn’t know what he was going through. He wouldn’t tell her. She wondered if she tried to talk to him, if he’d open up tonight. She wondered if Harry was right, should she tell him how she felt about him. After an hour of pacing, Kathryn decided she needed to tell him. Even if he didn’t love her anymore, she at least let him know, she loved him. Turning, Kathryn walked out her door, down the corridor and straight to his. She rang the chime, once, twice and then a third time. No answer. “Computer, locate Commander Chakotay.” “Commander Chakotay is in his quarters.” The computer replied. Kathryn became instantly worried. She punched in her security codes and entered his quarters. Looking around she didn’t see him, so she wondered in to the sleeping quarters. That’s when she heard the shower running. She decided she would wait in the living area, and let him know at the first available moment she was there. Kathryn walked to the couch and sat down. She saw the Padd on the table, and picked it up. She wondered what he was reading. Turning the Padd on, she was surprised to see her name at the top. She knew she shouldn’t be reading this, but she couldn’t stop herself. ************************************************************************* Dear Kathryn, I know you put Harry up to talking to me. Thank you. It was good to tell someone all the things I didn’t feel I could tell you. You are the one I wish could tell everything to. I decided to take his advise, and write what I feel and what I want to tell you down. I may never send this message, but hopefully, it will make me feel better and come to terms with the last couple months. I’m not sure where to start. I’m not sure of the words to use. Let’s begin with the time I was kidnapped and what the Tobattiens did to me......… Kathryn read all the things he’d been through. She grasp in horror as she continued to read his words. Looking towards the other room, she felt as if her heart would rip in to. Kathryn finished reading the first past, Lying the Padd aside for a minute to regain her composure. After a few second, she pick the Padd up and continued. I don’t tell you these things to upset you. I’m telling you so maybe you’ll understand. There is a song from the 20th century that explains it better than I could. The word are: Under the endless sky Beneath a million stars Within the course of a life time How very young we are. As I stumble on this journey Along the road to what is real I’m not made of steel I’m not made of steel With all the lessons of my learning All the strength that I possess Still there are mountains I wish I was moving That take much more than my best There are plans beyond my power There are dreams beyond my reach Oh these eyes deceive, the words I speak Don’t tell the story inside So don’t believe the face you see It’s only the face of my pride I’m not made of steel I’m not made of stone I can’t be anything more than I’m made of Move heaven and earth on my own I’m only a man Flesh and blood is all I am You think I can carry the world on my shoulders That don’t mean that I can I can bend, I can break, I can feel I’m not made of steel They teach you well to wear your armor But what you’ve learned is just a lie And there’s a price to be paid for denying With every tear you never cry Don’t ever show, don’t let them know The heart you never reveal Don’t ask me why, don’t make me hide The pain you don’t think I can feel I’m not made of steel I’m not made of stone I can’t be anything more than I’m made of Move heaven and earth on my own I’m only a man Flesh and blood is all I am You think I can carry the world on my shoulders That don’t mean that I can I can bend, I can break, I can feel I’m not made of steel Those words say almost all I want to say. Kathryn, I do feel , I feel pain, I feel stress, anger, guilt, compassion, love and I feel lonely. Harry told me I should tell you how I feel about you. Well here goes. I love you, Kathryn. I have since the first time I saw you on my view screen five years ago. I thought one day you might love me also, I guess that is just a fantasy. I understand your sense of duty and protocol. I won’t push you, and after this I won’t bring it up again. But I love you. I love your smile. The way your eyes light up when we come upon something new. I love the way you bite you lower lip, when you get nervous. I love the gentle sway of your hips as I watch you walk by. I love your sense of humor, the way you laugh at Tom’s stupid jokes. Kathryn, I love the way you are with the crew, the way you are always keeping them positive. I love the scent of you sitting next to me on the bridge. I love all the little things about you, that you see as flaws. To me you are the most exquisite creation very composed. Yes, I mean composed. To my heart and soul you are a work of art. So as I close , just remember now and forever I’ll always be right here by your side. I will survive and pull through this. All my love always, Chakotay *************************************************************************** Tears began to stream down Kathryn’s face. She cried because he had been hurt so badly. She cried because he even in his pain, he was still protecting her. She cried, because he still loved her so completely. She cried because she knew she had no idea as to all the things he’d been through. How could she have been so unaware. She cried because at that very moment she never loved him more, and she knew she had to tell him. Turning around to look towards the other room, Kathryn saw him standing in the doorway. As she looked up at him, he lowered his eyes. “Kathryn, what are you doing here?” Looking at her, he realized she had his Padd. She held the window to his inner most thoughts and feelings in her hands. Slowly walking to her to take the Padd, “You were never suppose to see that.” He wasn’t angry, he just stated a fact. Kathryn, held the Padd out of his reach. “Did you mean what you said? Do you still love me?” “What does it matter? I’ve come to terms that you and I can never be. Never happen, so why reopen old wounds?” He said as he turned to walk away from her. She grabbed his arm to hold him where he stood. “Chakotay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through all you have gone through. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to always be strong. I’m sorry that you were tortured on Tobetti. I’m sorry, I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me. You are my best friend, and I hurt you. You should never feel guilty, about needing to let down. We all do. Chakotay, you don’t always have to be the strong one. Sometimes lean on me.” He looked at her, then slowly sat down on the sofa. Kathryn decided to go on. “Chakotay, You asked what it mattered, if you still loved me or not. Well it does matter. It matters, because I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I love you and I want to be the one you tell your problems to. To hold you when you need to be held. I want to be the one you come to at the end of a busy day. I want to be the one you love and who loves you completely. Do I have a chance?” Chakotay, couldn’t believe what he had just heard. She had just told him she loved him. He stared at the floor trying to decide if this was fact or pity, when Kathryn tilted his face to hers and added. “This is love, not pity. I love you.” Having said that she leaned in and kissed him. Softly, once, twice, then a third time. Pulling away slightly to look at him, Kathryn smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. This time Chakotay responded, kissing her back. Exploring each others mouths . Breaking their kiss, they snuggled together on his sofa talking for the remainder of the evening. They laughed together, and cried together. Chakotay told Kathryn the one thing he’d kept to himself, he told her about his nightmares. He told her about his fear to go to sleep. They talked about their future together. They decided to take things slowly. But the one thing they agreed on was that if it hadn’t been for the young Ensign, they wouldn’t be in each others arms now. After sending Harry a message of thanks, Kathryn lead Chakotay to his bedroom. Helping him get into bed, she crawled in beside him . Wrapping her arm around him, she held him as tightly as she could. Stroking his tan skin, she said. “Tonight I’ll protect you. Tonight you don’t have to be anything more than you are. You just have to be a man who is loved. You don’t have to be strong, you have no lessons to learn. You have no mountains to move. Just be flesh and blood just be you.” Before Kathryn could finish, he was asleep, for the first time in days. Holding him tighter, Kathryn drifted off to sleep herself. Else where on the ship, a young Ensign opened his console to view the message that awaited him. Smiling as he read it, he knew he’d helped change his Commanding Officers lives forever. He knew that, that in return would change the lives of the crew for the better. Looking up from his console, Harry said, “Computer, Locate Captain Janeway.” “Captain Janeway is in Commander Chakotay’s quarters.” the computer replied. Satisfied with the job he’d done, Harry headed for Sandrines. Finished.