Has phone numbers and information

http://katesfeminist.info/dv/

Rape and what it is and links to help

I know that Rape hurts. Unfortunately though it happens alot. You are not alone. There are many people out there who have also been through it. Here I have some information on what rape is and a site that will also help. 

Rape is when someone-anyone forces you to have sex with them. This sex can include oral, vaginal and anal. If you tell someone no or they drug or threaten you into having sex then it's rape. It's really unfortunate that men, women and children are raped each year but....anybody can heal and so can you. It's not easy but, you can do it!

Get to a safe area as soon as possible.

Call for help. If you cannot call the police or a rape crisis center yourself have someone call for you as soon as possible.

 Getting medical help is a necessity. Even if you do not prosecute you need to be seen by a doctor who can check for injuries. Sometimes injuries are not always apparent immediately so it's best to err on the safe side. Antibiotic therapy is often started immediately to lessen the likelihood of disease.

Do not change your clothes(especially if you think you might file charges). Don't comb your hair, shower, use the bathroom (if possible) or change anything about yourself, until after you've had an examination by a doctor. Valuable evidence can be destroyed even by something as simple as drinking water or going to the bathroom. Try very hard not to do these things.

 Most of the time police will want to keep your clothing to look at for evidence. It's a good idea to have someone bring you a complete set of clothing.

 If you do report the crime, the police will have some very difficult questions for you. The questions may not make a lot of sense to you at the time but there is a reason behind each of them.

 If you feel uncomfortable answering personal questions to a man you may be able to ask for a female officer or for a member of your local rape crisis center.

Some statistics are saying that the chances of being raped are 1 in 4. Rape is a crime. It isn't something that you need blame yourself for. It happens because someone wanted to take advantage of someone else. It has very little to do with sex and is more a crime of power and control where sex is a weapon used against you.

 One thing that is nearly impossible at first is to realize that what happened to you is not something that was your fault. I don't care what you did, where you were, or what you said, being raped is not your fault.

 You are only responsible for your actions, not for the actions of another person. The choices you made must have been the right ones if you are able to read this. Not every woman who is raped lived through it. You did. That's what's most important.

You may ask yourself, repeatedly, "Why did this happen to me?" There aren't any easy answers. It comes down to a choice one person made to control another person.
Rape isn't a crime about sex. Sex is only a weapon. It's even harder if you know the person who raped you. Yet, studies show us that most of the time the person is known to the victim. That doesn't mean that what happened to you wasn't rape. Even if you consented to sex before but didn't this time, it's still rape.

 You may feel completely betrayed because the person who did this was someone you knew and trusted. However; most rapes are done by people the victim knows and trusts. That's part of what makes this crime even more awful.

 No matter how much you trusted this person, the actions taken against you are inexcusable. They are not something that were your fault. Any shame that you feel is shame that belongs to the attacker and not to you. That's easier said than done but it is true.

 There's no shame in doing what you have to do to survive a rape.

Here is a site that I would highly recommend for you to see also. http://www.rainn.com/

One other one that I will post in here is: http://www.geocities.com/onedayatatime

 

That site will give you some information for getting help with counseling, police and reporting your assault.  I suggest that you don't keep it a secret. Report it if you can...I know it's hard but, it's the best thing to do.

Stats about abuse and rape

1. Approximately one in six boys is sexually abused before age 16.

2. Approximately three children died each day in the United States from abuse or neglect in 1997.

3. Over 90% of abusive parents do not have a psychotic or criminal personality.

4. 10-40% of abusive parents have experienced physical abuse as children.

5. 12-38% of females are sexually abused by age 18.

6. 3-9% of males in the population are sexually abused by age 18.

7. 15 million women in the US have been involved in a incestuous relationship.

8. 33% of victims are under age 6

33% are 6-12 years old

33% are 12-18 years old.

9. 97% of sex offenders are male who are on the average 10 years older than their victims.

10. abuse of daughters by fathers and stepfathers is the most common form of reported incest. Commonly the mother is unavailable to the father and is usually chronically ill or depressed. The mother is commonly the victim of child abuse when young.

11. sexual abuse by stepfathers is 5 times higher than among natural fathers, the most common age for onset of abuse is age 10

12. In 1995, local child protective service agencies identified 126,000 childrenwho were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse; of these,75% were girls. Nearly 30% of child victims were between the ages of 4 and7. [Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Childrenand Families, Child Maltreatment, 1995.]

13. According to the Justice Department, one in two rape victims is under age18; one in six is under age 12. [Child Rape Victims, 1992. U.S. Departmentof Justice.]

14. Of al the forms of child abuse, sexual abuse, including incest, is the most common. Estimates of the number of sexual assaults on children in the United Sates range as high as five million annually. As many as 80 percent of these assaults occur within families. In many cases the adults reside outside the family but are closely acquainted with their victims.

15. The following stats are just in Indiana alone.....In the year 2000, 44 children died due to child maltreatment. 72,704 children were reported abused and or neglected. 24,641 children were substantiated by Child Protective Services to have been abused or neglected.
NOTE::::::THAT WAS JUST IN INDIANA ALONE....JUST IMAGINE THE NUMBERS FOR THE COUNTRY AS A WHOLE LET ALONE THE WORLD....SAD ISN'T IT?

16. Once in every seven seconds, a child abuse situation is reported in the nation.

17. Everyday in the U.S. four children die due to maltreatment.

18. A child with a disability is twice as likely to be abused then other children.

19. Parents with a disabled infant has a divorce rate of 70-90 percent!

20. 50-80 percent of parents involved in abuse situations have substance abuse problems.

21. Children who have been abused are more likely to drink or take drugs.

22. In the U.S. there are close to 240 rapes per DAY, nearly 88,000 per year.

23. 50% of women in treatment for substance abuse were sexually abused as children, most often incest and rape.

24. Abuse is repeated at a rate of 35% from one generation to the next.

25. The perpetrator of physical abuse is approximately 1.5 times more likely to be a male than a female.

26. While mothers are more often the abusers of young children, fathers are more often the abusers of adolescents

27. Alcohol abuse is evident in 35%-70% of physical abuse cases.

28. 68% of sexual assaults occur in the abuser or victim's home

29. Girls are at more than 7 times greater risk of sexual abuse by a step-father than by the natural father

30. A study of adolescent runaways found that 75% of the girls and 38% of the boys had been sexually abused as children

This page is also in loving memory of my half-sister Emily who passed away in the spring 2002. She was only 16. May God be with her in heaven.

The Life of a Little Girl

By: Carol

Part I

June 1982

Thru

December 1990

Colorado

Chapter 1

This story all starts in a suburban city of Denver Colorado. A girl is born at the Air Force hospital on June 7^th 1982. Her parents seem all happy that she was born. She is born with a few complications but, she seems to be doing just fine now so she will be going home today. She gets home and the same home life continues on. Her parents fight and the father hits the mother and decides that he is going to abuse her like he usually does. The baby is in the room when this all happens. She doesn’t remember it because she was so young but, she is later told about all of the abuse that occurred while they were married. They were married for a little over two years before they finally divorced. The girl was 18 months old when the divorce was final. The father was ordered to pay child support and have weekend visitations with his daughter. I am that daughter so I will stop talking 3^rd person now and go on from my earliest memory that I have as a child. From that point on in the divorce I was having visits with my father. He decided that he wanted to turn his anger that he had about the divorce against me. I figured this out the hard way one day when I was two years old.

Chapter 2

Me and my father (Dan) were just starting one of our visits and he seemed mad about something. I felt a pit in my stomach knowing that there was something about this that I didn’t like. “ What’s wrong daddy?” “YOU!!” was all he said before he took a good swing at me. The next thing I know I was holding the side of my face crying because he punched me in the face. “What did I do???” I wailed. “You were born!!” was all he said. By the time we were at the apartment a bruise was forming on the spot where he hit me. He still seemed angry. Fear was starting to build inside of me. We stopped in the parking lot in front of the apartment complex. He comes out of his car and comes to unstrap me out of my car seat. He then proceeds to grab my face and say that the bruise wasn’t big enough that he needs to make it bigger. At that point, I got scared. I knew something was going to happen but, I had no idea to what extent. We got into the apartment and he slams the front door closed. He then lunges at me and proceeds to beat me for the first time. On this occurrence of beating, it was fists and only fists that he used. After that beating I was still crying and he said that “This is more like it!” He then told me to either stop crying or he was going to beat me again. I did my best to stop crying. He told me to get into my swim suit that we were going to go down to the pool. He helped me get into the suit but, that wasn’t before he decided that he wanted to molest me for the first time. He touches me in ways that wasn’t right. He also made me touch him the way that girls shouldn’t know at all that age. After that we go down to the pool. I was scared because I had no idea what his intentions were nor did I know what he might do to me to hurt me again. He asked me if I knew how to swim. I told him that I didn’t know how to yet. He then tells me that I will learn how. The next thing that I knew he was throwing me into the deep end of the pool nearly drowning me. He does that several times before we go back to the apartment. At that point I was crying again because I got water in my lungs and my nose and it hurt. He warned me that if I kept crying that he would beat me or do worse to me again. No sooner do we get back into the apartment that he makes his next move. “ Take your clothes off!!” “Why daddy??” “Because I said bitch!” Right after he said that he started to rip the clothes off of me. At that point I was getting really scared. I had no idea what was coming nor did I know what it would do to me. The next thing that I know he came at with me with a knife in one hand and a bottle of baby oil in the other hand. He had a rolled up sock in the underside of his left arm. I thought to myself of just how scared I was and I started praying to anything that would listen to my prayer to make him stop this rampage. The next thing I know he set down the stuff besides me and topples me to the floor. He pins my legs down with his and uses his body weight to hold me down enough to keep me from moving but, not enough to crush me. He then pulls down his pants and takes his thing out again. At the age of two I have no idea what this thing is. All I know is that it scares me. The next thing I know he is dumping baby oil on both of us and stuffs the sock in my mouth. He then sticks the knife to my throat and shoves his penis into where it shouldn’t have been. I try to scream but because of the sock I can’t.  All I know is that I hurt really bad in my crotch and I have no idea why he is moaning about all of this. I wonder why anybody could like this kind of thing. Apparently I passed out because the next thing I remember he was out of the room and I was still on the living room floor with a lot of blood around me and in a lot of pain. I tried to stand up but, I felt like my legs were rubber. I finally stood up and saw that my clothes were on the couch and I started to dress myself. I barely knew how but, I managed it. I felt that my throat was bleeding too. It was a thin small cut but, I knew that it had to have come from the knife. At that point I realized that this wasn’t a dream. I was facing reality with a father who had gone ballistic. I felt this stickiness come from my crotch and I knew that it had come from what it was that was in me. Being two I had no idea what it was. This process of abuse and raping continued in this pattern till I turned four. That is when things became more interesting.

Chapter 3

When I was four Dan married my step-mom. That year my half-sister was born. The hell between me and my father continued. When they were married they moved into a trailer. That meant no more of the water but, that brought on more hell because he became an alcoholic. He also figured out that he could use the brown Budweiser bottles to throw at me to try to knock me out. He seemed to like cutting me with the glass shards too. He also started to try other ways of hurting me. For example he would pick me up by my hair and slap me while holding me up. He also liked getting pillows and or using his bare hands to try to suffocate me with them. Sometimes I would pass out from certain things that he did to me but, I to this day have no memory what he would do to me while I was passed out. He still would rape me several times a day and he would molest me quite often too. I stopped wearing diapers when I was four. ( It wasn’t long after my b-day) and because of that and other unknown reasons I had a problem with bedwetting till I was 17. With my father, I was forced to sleep on the wet mattress that I had peed on in the middle of the night. Many nights I would go to use the bathroom and I would flush the toilet and sometimes I would get beat if I woke him. That is how I knew if I woke him or not. One time because I woke him he beat me with an iron cast pan. He also beat me with that because he was mad about having to pay child support. Most of the beatings though consisted of fists, glass bottles and sometimes brass knuckles. At one point when I was six he used spiked ones. I will get more into me being six here in a bit. Most of the scars that I have are because of what he has done to me. When I was four I started seeing a child psychologist. Me and him were close friends but, even I was too scared to tell him about my father because he had threatened to kill me and my family if I said anything. By the end of all of the visits though, he had a pretty good idea of what was going on.

Something else that happened when I was four was a good friend of mine was killed in a drive-by shooting. Her mother was killed in the shooting also. We were neighbors on where me and mom lived. I was so scared for awhile to be out of the house because I had actually seen the crime scene after everything had taken place. I had seen the outlines and everything.

I am going to skip age five because all of what happened between me and Dan happened when I was five too.

Chapter 4

From the ages of four till I was seven and a half I was seeing the psychologist. The meetings were getting intense when I started playing with the dress-up dolls that actually had the body parts on them. That is when I started to learn about what the body parts were really named. He got suspicious of what was going on when he was observing what I was doing with the daddy doll and the daughter doll. At that point an investigation started. I was six years old when the investigation took place. The only real things that they came up with the investigation was that I had one occurrence of genital warts and that my vagina was stretched more then it should have been. They also saw many scars and bruises along with welts. They didn't do anything though. To this day, I wonder why nothing came of that.

Chapter 5

Also while I was six, it became the worst year I had ever had so far. Why?? Because the abuse and the rapes continued. My father got into using pillows more often to get me to pass out and when I would wake up, my clothes would be off of me and there would be blood on the floor. I would know what happened because of where the blood was but, I had no idea to what extent because I was passed out. My half-sister also turned two that year. I knew what happened when I turned two. That turned into a ritual that Dan seemed to like. When he would rape me and abuse me, he made her watch it. When it was her turn for his attack, I had to watch. He threatened to kill both of us if we didn’t watch. When I watched what was happening to her, it felt as if I was floating off into space. It seemed as if I was watching from afar what he was doing to me. Instead the reality was he was doing the same thing to both of us. She had it worse though because she lived there all the time. I was just there on weekends and on one spring break. I will get into that in a bit. Remember me mentioning the brass knuckles earlier? I was six when he used the spiked ones on me. He was holding me down with his body weight and one arm while raping me. He then swung his arm up and I moved so it would get my knee instead of where he was trying to get me at in the side. There were still times that he would yank my hair. That was one of his ways of picking us girls up.  By the time I was six I was starting to remember what was around me. The carpet in the living room was brown with the walls being brown with this type of wood paneling on it. The bedroom that me, my half-sister and my half-brother would sleep and sometimes a friend of Dan’s named Michael. The floor was blur carpet with white walls. Speaking of Michael, he was also one who liked to rape me. Him and Dan would take turns at it. One of them would hold me down while the other raped me. Then they would switch roles.  Once I turned six, I was in first grade that meant spring break. Guess where mom insisted I go to that week and two weekends?? This part will take me a bit to write but, here is the story of spring break 1988.

Chapter 5

Here is April of 1988. It was Friday and I had just gotten off the school bus. Mom came out of the house and told me that my bag and Ritalin is packed. I asked her why. She told me that I was going to dad’s for a week with two weekends. That meant that he was on his way now to pick me up. I started throwing a temper tantrum because I didn’t want to go. “Daddy’s too strict mom!!!” “I hate it there!!” “TOUGH!” was all she said. I didn’t have a chance to say anything else before he showed up. I get in the car and he tells me that we are going on a trip. I become really scared at this point because I have no idea what is going to happen here. Looking back, I don't think mom really knew wnat was going on. She knew that something wasn't right but didn't know what to do about it.

Chapter 6

I looked in the back of the car and saw camping gear. I looked in his bag and saw his knife and a partial bottle of baby oil. I quivered with fear. He then looked at me. “Carol this trip will just be the two of us. A father-daughter trip. You can scream all you want because nobody will ever hear you. You are too ugly to be respected anyway.” That is what he said. I then knew that hell had just begun. We had gotten to a mostly deserted campground. It was beautiful there. There was a nearby lake and a wooded area that we were near. I knew it was beautiful but, I was also very scared because at that point, I didn’t think that God would even hear my cries. Dan then told me that I had to share a tent with him. He had a sleeping bag. He brought a crappy blanket for me to wrap myself in to sleep with. When he said that I had to share a tent with him, I freaked out because I had no idea in hell what he wanted to do to me that time. The rest of the day went ok but, that night turned to hell on Earth. That night I was in the tent trying to go to sleep. I wrapped myself as best as I could in the blanket and was trembling because I was so scared of what he was going to do to me. I was praying to God that he wouldn’t hurt me. Then the next thing I know he is crawling over me, holds me down and forces me to suck on his penis. I then pick up the knife and I point it at him telling him to go away from me. I knew that I didn’t stand much of a chance knowing that he was three times my weight and twice my height. He then kicks me in the diaphragm forcing me to loose my breath. I wind up dropping the knife and he threatens to kill me if I do that again. He then tells me again to suck on his penis. I feel that I have no choice. Again I was defeated. After a bit I spit out what was in my mouth from him and he cusses at me for not swallowing it that time. He was having me do this to him since I was two years old. I wanted to see if I could fight back. I was almost seven. I wanted to think that I was stronger then he was. Boy I was wrong. I was nothing in strength and weight compared to him. From the time I turned six I wanted to see if I would be able to fight back. Every time that I tried, I lost. This time I tried to fight but, he picked me up and threw me to the floor nearly breaking my spine. He then proceeded to rape me five times that night. Then next day he found a thin long twig off a weeping willow tree, tied a knot at the end and whipped me with it several times. At the same time of whipping me, he was also cussing at me for “ruining his life” The beatings and rapes continued through the next night.   The following morning he told me to go into the lake and wash up. I did because I felt so dirty for what he was doing to me. He decided that he wanted to follow me. He raped me while I was in the water. He then grabbed the washrag from me and told me that I’m not going fast enough and that he was going to wash me. “Daddy, that hurts. You are going too hard!” “Shut-up Bitch!” was all that I heard from him. After that was done, I got dressed. At least he left me alone for that. The only reason why he left me alone though was to get the “whip.” At least this time when he whipped me, my clothes were on. After that one, he wanted me to help him pack. I thought to myself. “Thank God that is over.” We got back to the trailer and my step-mom and my half-sister were gone visiting family that week. Even when my step-mom was there all of the abuse happened. She in fact helped out sometimes. The rest of the week and that weekend went the same way as the rest of the visits did. He would try to strangle me, I would pass out and wake up in a different room with blood all over me wondering what the hell happened. He still found glass to throw at me. And that is how the rest of the week went. Full of abuse and rapes. All of the abuse, rapes, emotional and verbal abuse along with the house looking like a dumpster started to change for me when I turned seven.

Chapter 7

The August after I turned seven, I found out that mom and I were moving to Germany. That meant no more visits with my father. It was just a matter of when we were going. Once I was seven, my father was really out to kill me. He would try to stab me numerous times and sometimes he would chase me with the knife. I learned how to run fast while I was six. Because my legs were getting stronger from running, I was even more determined to fight back. Many times when he would pin me to the ground to rape and stab me I was able to kick the knife out of his hand. I wasn’t strong enough to stop the rape because of the weight and arm strength difference but, I was able to start fighting back. A few times I was able to kick him in the nuts. I'll be honest, that felt really good! I was still always defeated to some extent but, at least I wasn’t killed at any point because I was able to do some kicking. Finally the joyful day came.

Chapter 8

Most of this chapter will be at my mom’s house. “Carol, I have something to tell you.” “What mom?” “I know exactly when we are leaving for Germany.” “When?” At this point I was getting very excited. “December 24^th is when we catch the flight. We are visiting your grandparents first. I want you to say goodbye to your dad first.” “That Friday will be the last time I see him right???” “Yes Carol.” “YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I then ran upstairs and started crying for joy and thanking God for answering my prayers. The goal now was to survive till that day. It was still the middle of November at this point. The visits with Dan continued till December 21^st, 1990. I was still being abused and raped. I was still watching the ritual that Dan had with me and my half-sister but, at this point I also knew that I was going soon. I just wished that my half-sister could go with me. In fact I got to the point where I begged and pleaded with mom to let us take her and my half-brother. She said no. Finally the last weekend came. The visit with Dan that Friday December 21^st was long enough to tell him that we are leaving and that he is to not come along to see either one of us. Me and mom then got ready to go to St Louis.

Chapter 9

We arrived in St Louis where we got our tickets then we went to my grandparents till the Monday on the 24^th. We had a few days to visit with Grandpa and Grandma. We spend Saturday and Sunday nights there. I had nightmares like I always did. This time nobody came in to abuse me or tell me to shut-up. Mom was the one to tell me to shut-up. On the visits that I had with grandpa I was always confused about what would occur because I always associated having nightmares with Dan abusing me by causing me to pass out or mom telling me to shut-up. The visits that I had with my grandparents sometimes confused me because I was so used to one routine and they did the complete opposite. I would wake up screaming from nightmares and grandpa would come in and sooth me back to sleep. Part of it was that it was hard for me to tell the difference between love and hate. Grandpa taught me the difference. It may sound crazy but, it is the full truth. I eventually told Grandpa most of what happened but, that wasn’t till much later. I loved my grandpa very much. I loved him more then I did anybody else. He was the only one that I felt would protect me from being hurt. A friend of mine who I met when I was six also helped me. His name is Chris. You will hear more about him later. Christmas eve came and it was time to catch the flight to Germany.

Chapter 10

I give grandpa and grandma one last hug before we get on the plane. The flight there seemed very boring to me. I was too hyper about going somewhere new and being totally away from Dan. My whole childhood back in Colorado was full of rebel. I didn’t want to change that either. In fact, I learned that the abuse ended with Dan but, I still had all of it in my mind. I had thought that if I left being with him that it would leave totally. Boy did I think wrong. I let the feelings run wild. I didn’t know how to tame it. Nobody had ever shown me. Grandpa didn’t even know how to help me with that part. Now I am going to end this part and go to Germany.

Part II

December 25, 1990

Thru

July 1991

Germany

Chapter 11

I started school at Rampstein Elementary School. I had a full-time mainstream teacher and an EH teacher (Emotional Handicap). I was used to being in EH back in Colorado so this was new to me. They wanted to try me in all but one mainstream classes. Bad mistake. When we got to Germany mom turned into an alcoholic. I thought all of the abuse was over. I was wrong. Now mom was the abusive one. She didn’t beat me or anything like Dan did but, she did hit me now and then. And she knew how to throw things. She also knew how to verbally abuse her daughter. Frequently she would throw things and cuss and put me down. At least all of the crap with Dan was on weekends. With mom it was all the time seven days a week. I already had a bad self-image of myself because of Dan and mom just made it all worse. I came to know that every night of the week she was going to be on her rampage against me. She would tell me that she wished I was never born. She would call me names and blame me for what my father did to her. This is when I found out about some of what he actually did to her. She would tell me that if I were never born, none of this would have happened. I started to believe it all now because I was first hearing it from my father but, now I was hearing the same thing from my mother also. That is why I thought it was true because I was hearing it from both of them. Because I thought that, I became very violent toward myself and others. I was failing school and getting into constant fights with other kids. People learned at school not to mess with me one day when I attacked a kid with my umbrella. I was constantly breaking things, I hardly ever ate and me and my drunkin mother would actually get into fist fights. Other times she felt suicidal. I was dealing with a mother who would go from one point to the other extreme in a matter of minutes. Finally then I was almost eight a counselor at my youth center who at the time was about 19,20 molested me by making me perform oral sex on him. At that point I told someone and nobody would believe me because he was well known and he had a good reputation. That situation with the molestation and the no justice that came with it only made me even angrier. The breaking point though was when I threatened to kill a few students that went to my school. At that point, I went to Juvenile Detention for about a week.

Chapter 12

To me that felt like prison. I was behind bars in a padded cell at the age of eight. In Germany no less. They did my finger prints. We had recreation hours but most of the people that were there with me were older juveniles and they had actually had criminal histories. I remember the fights that would break out there. I saw one guy actually kill another in there by smashing his head in a wall and breaking his neck. Other times it was just regular fist fights. That place scared me but, it also made me harder so to speak. It made me more rough. After that week and a half, I came back home.

Chapter 13

I got home thinking that mom was better too but, I had prepared myself for what wound up being. She hadn’t changed one bit. Eventually after about a month things were back to where they were before I was put into juvenile detention. I was lashing out again. This time it was more at myself then at anybody else. I was pulling out my own hair, I was beating myself up, I was smashing my fists and my head into walls, and many other things. I then started it with others again. When that happened I was sent back to the states. I went to a placement called Valle Vista. That place was in Indiana. Mom came back a month later to transfer to an air force base there.

  Part III

July 1991

Thru

May 1992

Two Placements

Chapter 14

I got to Valle Vista and because I was still eight I went to the child unit. I was still on Ritalin at that point but one of the doctors decided to diagnose me as psychotic so they tried me on Haldol. I wound up being allergic to that so I was re-diagnosed as severe ADHD and put back on Ritalin. I was put into restraints quite often because I was still being violent against myself and others. I would threat to kill any guy that came near me because I thought that all men were out to attack me. I was even put on suicide watch because of all the holes I put in the walls with my fists and or my head. When I would sleep at night the staff would have to come in and find out what was going on because I wouldn’t stop screaming. At that point they did a sleep test on me. They monitored my brain wave patterns and my vital stats. They also watched me for one night of sleeping. They figured out that my father had to have abused me because I was screaming things like, “No Daddy, That hurts!!” And things like that. After two months of this place I got out.

Chapter 15

From there I was transferred to Camelot Care Centers in Illinois. At least there I was in a group home there I wasn’t locked up. I at that point had begun to relax a but and stop lashing out at others and myself. At least I was only verbally abusing myself. That continued the whole time I was there. I just didn’t make it well known. In fact, I slapped one of the staff members was kissing all over me in my sleep. She was slapped and she never did that to me again. Yes I said she. I later found out that she was like that with all of the residents there. By that point that she did that. I was nine. I was in Camelot till I was a month away from turning ten.

  Part IV

May 1992

Till

May 1994

Back Home

Chapter 16

At this point I went back home. I lived at the base where mom was at. There me and my childhood friend Chris met again. Mom was still abusive at that point but, things were better and most of the abuse was verbal. Only I knew about her being that way still at that point. I really thought things were going rather well compared to previous years. In August of 1992 mom and I moved to a trailer court temporarily. Chris along with his parents and twin sisters stayed there in the base housing. Chris was having a lot of medical problems so they thought it was best to stay. Me and mom however moved again to a house in a different county. It was neighboring but, a different county. Things were going fairly well finally at home and at school.

Chapter 17

One thing that I liked is that I had been off of Ritalin recently. I was finally free of drugs. Not for long though. In early 1994, not long after school started for me did I start becoming depressed more often then I should have.I was getting made fun of in school alot because of what mom would make me wear to school and for the fact that my teeth were messed up and I hadn't gotten braces yet. The kids in my EH class were awful toward me. I was the butt of their jokes. Just a few months before I turned twelve I started on Prozac. I was on 20 mg’s twice daily. Before I finally got off of that I was up to 30 twice daily. Anyway, the following summer became fun for me.

  Chapter 18

I had asked my grandpa if I could play an instrument. Mom had, My aunt had, My uncle had and grandpa had. He even used to own a music store. I wanted to join in the family tradition. He said sure. He asked me what it was that I wanted to play. I asked him what he had left in stock from his music store. He suggested that I try the flute out. In many ways my flute became an upper to me when I was going through bouts of depression. I was good at it and it was one of the few things I was actually good at. I considered his flute as a prized possession. I started in the 7^th grade that fall ready and anxious for band. At that point I committed myself to be a forever eternally band geek. Music became one of the things that I knew would stick with me. Things at school were going great. My grades were going up because I had something to look forward to each day but, as school got better, home got worse. I was told that I had to start counseling again.  I had just started to feel comfortable with my counselor to be prepared to tell her and mom what all Dan had done to me. Never did I think that a counselor would call one of their patient’s a liar. She even convinced my mother that I was a liar also. Mom knew what Dan was like and how I came home after the visitations with him but, she still called me a liar. This just made me angry. I started to blame myself for all of what was ever done to me. I even blamed myself for not protecting my half-sister who was four years younger then me. At that point I started becoming suicidal again. The breaking point for it all though was when mom got a boyfriend.

Chapter 19

At this point I was wondering what was going through my mother’s mind. She started dating a man that I would say had the exact same personality as Dan. He would beat and rape her in front of me just like Dan did. This guy also found ways of threatening me to the point that I wound up being raped and beaten also. There were times that this guy would beat mom to the point that she would pass out. After about two months of this hell he left and I was mad at myself for not protecting myself nor my mother. I tried to kick him off with my legs and that wouldn’t work. Because of that and other reasons I thought it was time to lash at myself again.

Chapter 20

It was a day that we didn’t have school. I was watching tv when suddenly I knew that I needed to punish myself. I found a razor blade and wanted to see what it is like to cut myself up. I really wanted to die. I went toward my wrists with the blade but it was like a force stopped me. I wound up doing about 25 slashes on my right leg before I stopped and saw that my entire leg is bleeding. On the 25^th slash I cut deep enough to get to the bone. I then grabbed a towel and wrap my leg up in it. At that point I was sobbing like crazy because I felt as if I had nowhere else to go. I was at the bottom of the pit. That pit got deeper when mom found out and put me into an short-term inpatient treatment center here in my old city. I was there for about three days while they monitored me. It was so boring there. They took me up to 25mg’s of Prozac and started me on Risperdal. Almost all of the time during the day it was a study time. I had no school work because school had just ended for the year. I was very bored. I borrowed a book called, The Courage to Heal and was one that I knew to look for later but, I knew that I just wasn’t ready to be committed to something like that yet. In fact, while I was there, I didn’t have much time to read that because I was only there three days. I went back home and a few days later I became real depressed again. I then got the same razor blade. I wanted to try and kill myself again. Here again, this force stopped me but I did slice up my left leg. I did about 30 cuts on that leg. I wound up going to that place again. This time it was longer and I didn’t go straight home.

  Part V

Late May, 1994

Thru

Late November 1994

Placements Again

Chapter 21

I went back into this placement figuring I would be back home in a few days. I thought wrong. It turned out that I would be in the short-term one for two weeks then I was going to go to Valle Vista again. This time I was going to be on the girls unit. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here. While I was in the short-term place, they had me on the Prozac, Risperdal and they also had me on Buspar all at the same time. They were trying me on all sorts of drugs. There are only some that I remember but, you will hear of a few others later. Anyway, I was working on a book called, The Castle of Pearl. I did two of those just cause I wanted to kill time. There was another book that I liked it was called, “The Knight in Rusty Armor.” I have since found both books. The copy of the Pearl that I have has not been written in. I was also working on “The Courage To Heal” I knew that I wanted to buy that book eventually. That was mostly the extent of the short-term placement. That is it in two weeks of being there. Unfortunately, I spent my 13^th birthday here. That wouldn’t be the last birthday spent in a placement though.

Chapter 22

At that point, Valle Vista was ready to take me. That place was in near Indianapolis. Before I was dropped off there, mom and a friend of the family, went with me to take me there. I remember the fear that I felt for being in a new place. Being there would begin a six month journey that was rather interesting. Most of the other residents there were black and I felt left out because I was one of the few white people that were there. A lot of them didn’t like me because I was new. I was picked on alot here. It was as if I had stepped into their territory. We had a meeting that night introducing who everybody was and why they were there. Many of them were there because they had been convicted of crimes. One of them was a convicted armed robber. One of them was there because she was suicidal like I was. In fact, me and her became good friends because we had so much in common. I started to join in the group sessions there. There was community meeting there every night, There were daily one-on-one therapy sessions and there were three times a week group therapy sessions. There I became friends with a guy that I had a lot in common with.  We stayed friends but, I later found out that he was a convicted child molester. It was hard for me to know that I was friends with someone like this when I knew that I have hated anybody that did anything like this to a child before. Things went fairly smoothly here except for a few times that I threatened to kill myself and I was put on high suicide watch. I was forced to sleep outside of the room so I could be monitored. At times they would look up my old record from when I was there before. They knew why then I sometimes I would scream in my sleep. I have not done that in several years thankfully. Basically, this placement went like the others did. Finally in November of 1994, I went back home. I started at the junior high school ready for band again.

Part VI

Late November 1994

Thru

Early April 1996

Home Again

Chapter 23

I was back home again. Things were going better but, things between me and mom were still very bumpy. I was in band again but, I still hated myself quite a bit. Believe me it showed. I went through a period of six months not knowing what hygiene meant. I hope that no more is needed to be said. I didn't care about anything or anyone hardly. I also went through a short-term placement at a different place because of things between me and mom. There they were having me take Tegretol.  At this point, I was off of everything but the Prozac. Now they wanted to try the other drug first before I go back on Prozac. They also did some testing on me. They figured out that I had some brain damage. They traced it to it being about the time that I was six years old on when I got it. Guess where I was when I was six. They said that it was mild brain damage but, I still had it. Honestly, I liked this place better then the last short-term placement that I was in for the self-mutilation. Things at home were still bumpy though. Mom was still emotionally abusing me. She would tell me that what happened with Dan was in fact my fault and that I asked for it. I still believed at that point that it was my fault. Finally one day I got sick of it.

Chapter 24

I was at home one night and my mom was ticked off about something that happened at work and she decided that she was going to be cussing at me and slapping me. I told her that I was sick of this and that I am sick of her treating me like Dan did. She then challenged me and asked me what I was going to do about it. I then told her, “you’ll see. I will be gone from home for a while.” The next day I reported her to Child Protective telling them that she was emotionally abusing me and that she was slapping me around sometimes. I told them also that she knew about what Dan was doing to me when I was younger and that she refused to do anything about it. Then the next part comes in.

Part VII

April 1996

Thru

January 1998

Last Placements

Chapter 25

At this point I became ward of the court. For about two weeks I went to a foster home which I have not been in contact with that family in some time but I still remember them. From there I went to a group home in a neighboring county. I went to a new high school where I finished 8^th grade and was at that place till the middle of my sophomore year. I was still in band. The band teacher that I had was much like my grandpa. My freshman year rolled around. I was going to court every five weeks to do a review of how I was doing. I started in marching band at that point. From there on I became addicted to music and was constantly getting music stuck in my head. I called grandpa and told him what he had started in me. I started marching band having no idea what was really going to come out of it. My freshman year at state finals told me. That season we had won every competition but one. At state I was very excited because I was able to march in the RCA Dome on the Astroturf. I was very excited. We wound up winning the state championship in my class that year (October 26, 1996). I still have the championship ring. Things went rather well that year. Mom married my step-dad a month before my birthday. In June of 1997 I went to see grandpa because he had just had open heart surgery. I played my flute for him and wanted him to hear me play again. Little did I know that this would be the last.

Chapter 26

My sophomore year started. I was looking forward to another great season. I was in band practices and ready for the competitions. I was going to go on a weekend visit with mom and my step-dad when they arrived sooner then what I thought they would. They told me that we needed to talk. Me, one of the staff members and my parents went to go talk. Mom told me that grandpa had died. This day was August 22, 1997. I didn’t believe her. I was in denial. I thought that all of it was ok. I thought that grandpa was ok now. We headed out to go to the viewing. I thought that this was a trick that they were playing on me. We got to the funeral home. I was playing everything in my mind that grandpa knew about me. Before he died, he knew most of what Dan and everybody else did to me. He was my best friend and my grandpa. He was like a dad to me when I was a child. I then walk into the funeral home and see a casket with a lot of flowers and pictures around it. I then see grandpa in the casket. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. “This can’t be true!” I thought. I reached out to touch his hand and it was so cold. At that point I knew. I started to cry uncontrollably. My step-dad came up to me and holds me back because I didn’t want to let go of the casket. Larry knew how close I was to grandpa so he knew that it would be hard. He was cremated. At the funeral it’s self it was a rainy day. I put some of his favorite flowers on the tiny casket. I then seemed to get a whiff of his pipe smoke and felt a hand on my shoulder. At that point I knew that he was in heaven with God. I started crying again when I felt the heat on my shoulder. When I got back to school it was just harder.

Chapter 27

I got back to school and was ready for band again but, I knew that it would be very hard for me to play that flute that he gave me. Let alone any music at all. I took my flute out of the case and just started crying again. My director helped me out. He was just like my grandpa. He was a big help and a great inspiration for me. We got 3^rd at state that year.   When I was there, Dan got hold of me again. I was working on confrontations and a lot of questions that I have for him. I’m still working on that part. Things at the group home went well enough that I was told that I could come home in January. That will end this part and I will go onto the next page of my life. 

  Part VIII

January 1998

Thru

November 1998

Home for Good

Chapter 28

This part will be relatively short because things for the most part went rather normal. Mom was still being emotionally abusive but, she had changed in many ways because of my step-dad. He helped her with alot of things. Things were going well at school. I transferred schools again but, I knew that I would stay in some contact with the old friends at the other school. I was living back home and I was doing well in school. Me and mom were still having some conflicts but, they were nothing like what they were before. Like I said, this part will be short but, there isn’t much to say here because things were going rather smooth at this point. I was in counseling again but, that didn’t bother me. At this point I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder so I was put onto Depakote. At least I was able to spend my 16^th birthday at home. The three birthdays before were in some kind of placement. Things were going rather well till someone who I met came along in November of 1998.

Part IX

November 1998

Thru

July 2000

Bad Times Again

Chapter 28

At this point, I had met a guy who I thought really cared about me. I still didn’t think very highly of myself so, that probably influenced my choices. He presented himself as if he really cared and wanted to love me. At that point we started going out. Once we started dating, it all changed. He turned into a younger version of Dan. He was pressuring me to do sexual things to and with him. I wanted to wait till marriage. Partly because of what Dan had done to me. I told him this and he wouldn’t listen to me. It started to turn into him hitting me in order to get me to do things. He was making me perform things on him that I didn’t want to do. I felt like a child again who was being abused by her father. He would usually tell me to get me to do things is stuff like, “You don’t want me doing to you what your father did now do you??” Things like that is what he would say. I told him to stop forcing me. He would hold me down and have me do things to him that I didn’t want to do. I was still weaker then he was. I really felt like a child again. He would slap me because I didn’t want to do some things. I stayed for as long as I did because I was scared. Finally the may before we broke up he started to rape me. At first it was anal rape then on my 18^th birthday he started to vaginally rape me. He would hold me down like Dan did. The only difference between this rape and Dan’s was that Dan would use weapons to keep me down. This boyfriend only needed his weight and his strength. I even tried to fight back many times but, it wouldn’t work. I had bruises on my ribs from him holding me down. Some were on my arms too. A lot of the times I would make sure that I wore tops that would cover the bruises because I didn’t even want my parents to know what was going on.

Chapter 29

One of my relatives did get an idea of what was going on because of what happened the day of my graduation. The boyfriend slapped me real hard in the face where my uncle was able to see it. The boyfriend didn’t think anyone was watching though. He slapped me hard enough that the cap that I had on snugly went flying into the air and landed a few feet away from me. That is how hard he would usually hit me.

Chapter 30

While all of this crap was going on, me and Chris were becoming closer friends. After me and the boyfriend broke-up that July, me and Chris started going out. Chris eventually figured out everything that has happened with my life. With that I am going to end this story of my child hood and go right to the epilogue.

Epilogue

Me and Chris are married at this point. We got married in June 2004. We believe that we are soul mates. We moved from Indiana to Arkansas in 2005. I just had my first child on 4-1-07. She is a beautiful little girl. She was diagnosed with Bicoronal Craniosynostosis in July 2007 when she was three months old. Her ped knew something was wrong when she was two months old. She had surgery for it in February 2008 and is doing fine. She is walking and doing all the normal things you would expect out of a one year old. She is going to pre-school where she also recieves speech and occupational therapy. If you want to know more about her story go to www.caringbride.org/visit/little_christina
I have still been having contact with Dan since I told you about when he first started writing me again when I was 15. I don't want to ever see him again though. I finished my degree in Early Childhood Education in 2003. Eventually I want to go back to school to get a Degree in Sociology or Social Work so I can help childen who have a rough time like I did. I hope all of that will go well for me. I was told when I was 19 that I indeed was NOT Bipolar and was just having severe emotional issues at the time so I have been off of medication since I was 19 and am doing fine! I’m finally happy. I still play my flute in our church orchestra and I was glad to say that out of the four years of marching band, I was glad I went to state three out of four. The only time I didn’t go was in my junior year. I will end it for now.  I hope you were able to get some insight out of reading this. Sorry for it being so long.