| Fear |
| "You guys can have that kid." "No, we don't -- well alright, come on kid." No one wanted me on their team. I was the last to be picked for baseball, dodge ball, even for the groups that we had to pick in math class. I tried my hardest to not mess up, to not let everyone down, in hopes that the next time maybe someone would accept me. My efforts were seemingly unappreciated. "Oh my god, are you afraid of the ball or what? Why did we have to get stuck with him?" Apparantly Jimmy Thesian was as good at constructive criticism as I was at baseball. While I constantly tried to convince my faltering ego that I didn't care what they all thought of me, I can remember sitting alone in my room for hours, longing to have athletic ability, to have fun in school, to have friends. By the time I began my final year of high school, not too much had changed. Perhaps I had become slightly more thick-skinned, but the rude comments, the verbal and occasionally physical abuse, it was still as brutal as ever. Jimmy Thesian, or "JT" as he preferred to be called in his infinite wisdom and maturity, was now the captain of the baseball team and the most popular guy in school. Most of the time he simply ignored me, but - usually around his friends - I did get the occasional comment from him. "Get the hell out of my way kid." I would apologize under my breath, more because I knew that was the expected response than because I was sorry to be in his way. What added more insult to this was the fact that everyone loved him so much. Sometimes I wonder if they love him or just fear him. Maybe they didn't know him as well as I did, or maybe they all understood the complexities of middle school gym dodge ball, but I couldn't understand his undue popularity. Through all the tedious years of my fine American education, I never experienced the kind of unconditional love from my peers that JT had. And I never even beat up kids who were weaker than myself, or called them names, or said that I wished they hadn't been born so they wouldn't have had to play on the same team as me. It just never seemed fair to me. What did this kind of popularity feel like? Was it so good that it justified the way JT acts? I had waited long enough: It was my turn to be loved, just as it was JT's turn to be laughed at and picked on - if only for one day. The only problem was that standing up for myself never really came easy to me. I was afraid of what might happen to JT. I was afraid of what the consequences for myself might be. I was afraid of whether or not I was even doing the right thing. I didn't want to severely hurt anyone, at least not physically. But if hurting people can be tolerated, even praised, as long as it is perpetrated by the "good guy," that must be what I have to do to get people to be on my side. I can be happy. I know I can. I was afraid to attempt to physically hit anyone, because I am certainly not very strong, and I wouldn't have a loyal militia to back me up as JT most likely would have. But I could do something to his brand new sports car that his parents bought for him after he led his baseball team to their 3rd straight regional title. That would hurt him, but maybe not enough to want to strike back at me. Maybe he would even realize that this is a fair payback for the awful years of pain that he put me through. Before sixth hour got out, it was time for me to outside if I was going to do something. I went out to the parking lot, next to where the school was about to begin construction on their $10 million sportsplex that the voters had recently okayed in the last city bond proposal. There were stacks of bricks that were to be used in the building of this monstrous arena. I welked the fifty feet that were necessary and grabbed three or four of the surprisingly heavy, brown bricks. I walked back to the parking lot, trembling with fear and pulsing with adrenaline. I came to the car, and the bricks sudenly became even heavier. I was unsure if I would even be able to throw one of them through the windshield of JT's annoying little sports car. The unexpectedly loud crash and the glass shattering like a giant spider web caught me off guard. I didn't realize that the car's alarm was going off until I had thrown the second brick into the driver's side window. I'm not even sure why I did this, but it seemed like the right thing to do when I threw another large brick through the windshield of the car that happened to be sitting next to JT's Firebird. I had lost track of time, and apparently it was time for school to get out, as there were quite a few people in the parking lot. I still had one brick burdening my hand; so I held it straight up in the air over my head, ready to plunge it into another hateful person's car. Suddenly I felt someone lay a heavy elbow into the back of my head, and I fell flat on my face in between the two crippled cars. "What are you doing? Put that brick down!" I'm not sure if this was the owner of the other car or not, but it was certainly not his place to tell me what I could or could not do. So I stood up and raised the brick once again into the air. At this point there were tons of people watching in disbelief. You would be surprised at the fear that you can see in the eyes of someone who is merely watching an "incident" unfold from afar. I took my brick and threw it at the angry kid who was standing in my way of the bigger brick pile. People were so shocked at this that they hardly had time to respond before I was well on my way to throwing more beautiful bricks into cars. As I got to the brick pile and was trying to determine how many of those brown stones I could carry at once, I could tell by the nervous sounds of the crowd that something was happening. A group of people, being led by good old Jimmy Thesian, was vengefully heading toward me. I had never been so scared at any moment in my life, but at the same time, never more sure of what I had to do. I took the brick that was in my hand already and when Jimmy was about five feet away from me, I threw it as hard as I could at his angry, maniacal grin. I picked up two more bricks and ran as fast as I could away from the parking lot. Before very long, I had a small mob of brick-wielding high school kids chasing me around the school. Even after I discarded the two last bricks, my tired legs did not want to carry me any farther, so I suppose it was a good thing that I ran squarely into the surprisingly calm principal. Later on, I found out that JT had to spend a week in the hospital, but was alright. Money that I had set aside for my "college fund", as well as some more money that I had to raise was paying for hospital and auto repair bills, but I wasn't going to be graduating with my class anyway, so I guess it wasn't that bad. I also had to go to classes to help "control my anger." People still talk about me not only in the high school, but all throughout the city and surrounding areas. They may only remember that one incident, or some of them may even say they "saw it coming" because it was always the quiet one you had to watch out for, but they remember me. Even if only for that brief moment, everyone was focused on me; and not because I was the last person standing against the brick wall waiting to be picked for a baseball team. JT was not quite so important and popular for that moment, and I was. I was powerful. People loved me at that instant, or even better, they feared me. After all, fear is just love taken to the next level. I finally knew how Jimmy felt during all those years, and he knew how I felt. I hope he learned as much from it as I did. |