HJS
volume 3, issue 2, 2003
GREGORY M. DOWNING

ON THE ACCOMPANYING ENGLISH TRANSLATION OF L�O TAXIL'S LA VIE DE J�SUS

The Taxil extract consists of a scanned reproduction of La vie de J�sus's first five Chapters in the original French, as they looked when published, complete with illustrations, (1) in the 1884 and the 1900 editions. (2) The 1900 edition is accompanied by a close English translation, as well as annotations linked to the translation. Those annotations sometimes address issues specific to the French original, but linking all the notes to the translation allows the original French to be reproduced without alteration or clutter, as originally read by Joyce and others.

The translation stays as close to the original French as possible without sounding completely outlandish. Taxil's tone mixes sarcasm, bluntness, and intensity with a Bible-parodying hyperinflated and sometimes pseudo-archaic solemnity, and all this sits atop the basic mode of gallic written expression, which is ordinarily more formal than that seen in English. Following the original text closely was the best way to try to capture that complex and quite distinctive tone. In fact, particularly given Taxil's variation between Marie and Marion, which it seemed desirable to preserve in the translation, all the names have been left in the French forms used by Taxil, which are nonetheless quite clear to the reader (thus, Jean = John the Baptist, Elisabeth = Elizabeth, etc.).

I've also tried as much as possible to follow Taxil's punctuation, which is rather idiosyncratic even with regard to the norms (different to an extent from anglophone norms) of French punctuation. Of course, Joyce's own fiction ends up adopting some continental punctuation (e.g., dialogue marked not with quotation-marks, but by em-dashes at the beginning of a quotation). Note however that Taxil uses semi-colons much more than would "work" in any kind of English, so a good many of those are not carried over into the translation.
Some points of difficulty in the translation (odd phrases or expressions in the French), items along the way that call for explanation or clarification in themselves, or things related to Joyce, are treated in links to the translation.


THE LIFE OF JESUS, by L�o Taxil

FOREWORD
There are three opinions in circulation on the subject of Jesus Christ.
Firstly, some believe that he is a god who came and passed some time on earth in the skin of a man.

Secondly, some others are of the opinion that he was a Hebrew agitator who, having suffered to an especially great extent, was deified by partisans of his ideas of social emancipation. (3)

Thirdly, others think in the end that this personage never existed, nor his entourage of apostles either, and that his legend, modelled on various other religious legends, was forged at a moment when, as paganism was falling into decrepitude, the exploiters of human stupidity judged that they had a fine opportunity to create a new religion.
After a long and careful examination of the arguments proposed, pro and con, I have definitively placed myself among the partisans of the last opinion. (4)

The work that you are going to read is therefore not written with the goal of diminishing Jesus-god in order, as a result, to glorify Jesus-man, since the author does not believe any more in the existence of the one than in the existence of the other. The goal that I have proposed for myself is, in following the Christian legend step by step, to draw forth from it all of its absurdities and all of its contradictions, in order to demonstrate clearly that, from one end to the other, and under whatever aspect one examines it, the history of Jesus Christ, man or god, is nothing other than a tissue of immoral and stupid fables.

FIRST PART: THE CHILDHOOD OF CHRIST
(in fourteen chapters, of which the first five are translated here)

FIRST CHAPTER: THE VISION OF ZACHARIE
At that time, the Word--that is to say Mister Jesus (by his Christian name, Alphonse) (5)--was not yet born; but there was, among the clerics of Jerusalem, a levite who was named Zacharie.

This Zacharie lived in the country; his small house was situated at Youttah, in the middle of the hills of Judah. He had a wife (Jewish priests were married) (6) who answered--when she was called--to the name of Elisabeth.

The couple, the apostle Luke informs us, "were just before God, and walked blamelessly in the commandments and the ordinances of the Lord." (7) But their piety was being severely tested. Perhaps you think the money of the faithful was not falling into their money box? No, it wasn't that. (8)

What was upsetting Zacharie and Elisabeth was that, despite all their efforts, they weren't able to have any children.

Now, Mister Cleric and his she-devil wife were beginning to ripen. A few more years of sterility for madame, and mister had no longer any choice but to renounce forever the hope of putting an authentic offspring out to a wet nurse. This was all the more vexing since, among the Israelites, households without any children were pointed out: sterility was a mark of disgrace.

Elisabeth and Zacharie were therefore working with ardor to create for themselves some progeny. But see the rotten luck, they were having no success. Not that!

Zacharie was furious.

At this juncture, the levite was called back to Jerusalem for Temple service. -- It must be pointed out that these Jewish clerics used to perform their tasks in turn. In the first place, the profession wasn't actually fatiguing in itself, and furthermore there were vacations. -- It was during these vacations that Zacharie used to lounge in his country house at Youttah. (9)

There wasn't anything to grumble about. Zacharie would indeed have liked to continue in the company of his wife, planting cabbages, those extraordinary cabbages inside of which sometimes a little baby is found. But the rule was there: rigid, formal, absolute.
To the Temple, Zacharie, to the Temple!

The poor man felt that his turn for sacerdotal ministry had come too soon. Too bad for him! He had to leave!

So, grousing all the while, Zacharie took the road to Jerusalem. Happily, if every coin has its back side, logic demands that every back side likewise has its handsome front side. When lots were drawn to fill the various offices with clerics for the week, fate designated Zacharie for the post of "incense burner." Now, you should know that the greatest honor that could fall to a cleric was precisely the office of incense burner.

Ah! It was no small affair, Lord knows! Among Jewish gentlemen, things were done with great solemnity.

First of all, right in the middle of the sanctuary three times holy, between an immense candelabrum with several branches and a table garnished with holy bread, there was an altar of gold. Well, what do you say about that, my lambs? Nothing but de luxe! -- A simple veil separated this fabulous sanctuary from another place called the Tabernacle, the latter still more holy than the sanctuary because there, draped in his majestic invisibility, stood papa Jehovah, otherwise called the Excessively-High, or Lord Sabaoth.

Not just anyone who wanted to could enter into the Tabernacle: only the incense burner had the right to penetrate into that redoubtable place.

As soon as the cleric charged with this office arrived at the Temple, the crowd intoned hymns of rejoicing, the flames of the lamps were rekindled, and people stepped back with respect from the officiating minister who, leaving his altar boys at the barrier, alone put his foot on the paving stones of the sanctuary.

After which, at a signal given by a prince of the priests, he threw perfumes on the fire, that is to say, not Cologne water (as you might think), but a pure incense representing the prayers of the faithful. While the incense burned, Mister Cleric bowed, then walked backwards toward the Tabernacle, in order not to turn his back on the altar. A bell announced his coming out and the blessings that he had spread over the people. Immediately the levites wailed pious chants, accompanied by the holy hullabaloo of the music of the Temple. It was grandiose, it was majestic, it was imposing. Oh no! Please, don't tell me about it!

This ceremony was so amazing in its outrageousness that the Jews never witnessed it without a secret uneasiness. Just think of it! The cleric who entered into the Tabernacle was carrying to God their very prayers, symbolized by the incense which burned before the lowered curtains: were Jehovah to reject his offering, were Jehovah to strike him down in order to punish some peccadillo, all Israel would be struck with the same blow, all Israel would be spinning a bad cotton. Holy things are no joking matter, you know! Also, what impatience on the part of the crowd, from the moment at which the burner of the incense passed to the other side of the curtain! What answer, everyone wondered, is he going to bring on the part of the Eternal? -- It was therefore customary that the incense burner acquit himself of his functions as nimbly as possible, so as not to prolong the general anxiety.

But on this day Zacharie did not get it over with. The cries of the Israelites were animated: the seconds, the minutes were ticking by, as slow as centuries, and Zacharie was not reappearing.

Finally, he stuck his nose out through the door-curtain, but what a nose! An immense nose, a nose which had grown longer in a lamentable fashion. It was hanging, gloomy and dismal, over a terrified face. Moreover, the owner of this terrified face and of this gloomy nose was trembling like a leaf. -- So something grave indeed had happened behind the curtain? -- I believe you, Nicolas! (10)

Something that no one can imagine. Hear the tale, and tremble.

Zacharie, no fool, had said to himself: "While I am carrying to good God the Father the prayers of the outside world, about which I don't care a fig, (11) I should indeed present to the invisible Sabaoth a little request on my personal account." And, after having worked through this reasoning for himself, he prostrated himself while murmuring in a low voice: "My God, if you were kind for a sou, you would put an end to the sterility of my wife, and, by the grace of your all-powerfulness, you would arrange things so Elisabeth would gratify me with a child without making me wait any more." And Zacharie lay there a little while with his forehead touching the pavement of the Tabernacle.

When he had gotten up again, bang! he found himself nose to nose with an angel dazzling with light. Instead of being happy, this simpleton Zacharie had an attack of nerves; he had not expected to see a messenger from God immediately. The angel in fact had to reassure him.

--Calm your fright, O Zacharie blessed among all Zacharies, he said to him. The Lord has heard your prayer and has answered it. By a retroactive effect that your human intelligence cannot understand, he is transforming your wife. You left Elisabeth in her usual state of sterility; verily, before nine months are up you will tell me the news about her. Would you like me to tell you even more about it? It will be a boy that you will have, and you will call him Jean. Still better, he will be your joy and that of Israel; he will never drink any wine nor anything that can intoxicate him. He will preach to the people, and, as he will never preach plastered, he will always be believed. Sinners will be converted by his voice, and in fact--I am going to astound you now, my old man--it is he, he, this Jean, who will be the precursor of the Messiah.

It was too beautiful. The husband of Elisabeth believed in this humbug, and replied to the angel:

--Monsieur, the good God is according me much more than I have asked of him; is he mocking me in this way? I would like to believe you, but give me proof of the divinity of your message.

The angel felt pricked to the quick by this doubt.

--Ah! So that's how it is, my good man!, he responded. When I come in all friendliness to carry out for you the commissions of father Sabaoth, you imagine that I am setting you up for a trick. That's a bit far-fetched! (12) Well, know then that I am Gabriel, archangel of the first caliber, one of the attendant spirits before God. And, in order to teach you to believe henceforth without demanding explanations, you will be, from this instant, mute until the moment when what I have just announced to you is in fact accomplished.

Thereupon, the angel Gabriel retraced his journey toward the ceiling, (13) without so much as making the least salutation to the stupefied Zacharie.

Now the angel's mission was so little a joke that Zacharie really did find it impossible to joke about. Mute as a carp, the unlucky man!

You understand now whether the hapless levite had good reason for making a ridiculous face, when he appeared to the people, coming back from the other side of the curtain.

In vain the people asked him:

--Well, what? What is the matter? Speak, just speak, Mister Curate!

He shook his sweet little face with a consternated air, which in no way reassured the faithful.

They couldn't get anything out of him but some shakings of the head, and some inarticulate sounds.

That night all Israel went to bed in the grip of terrible trances, and that night all Israel had nightmares.

CHAPTER II: THE PRECURSOR
His service finished, Zacharie quickly returned to Youttah. A short time after, the stomach of Mrs. Cleric began to balloon. That set to wagging all the tongues in the community with the exception of her husband's, which was no longer functioning at all. And not only was he mute, the hapless Zacharie, but what's more he had become deaf, although that had not been in the program at first.
However, although deaf, he understood quite well that people were making fun of the so suddenly interesting position of madame Elisabeth. So, during the last five months of her pregnancy, he had her hidden. "Nothing more natural than this retreat," say the Catholic theologians; "it was only appropriate to remove from the looks and malignity of men whatever this unhoped for conception possessed of the marvelous." Nothing, in fact, was more marvelous.

At the proper time, Elisabeth brought into the world a beautiful baby that the midwife declared to be of the masculine sex. The prophecy of the angel was being brought to realization; but that mischievous prophecy was not yet wholly realized. At the moment of the child's birth, the event announced by Gabriel was accomplished and Zacharie, according to the promise of the celestial messenger, ought to have begun to speak again. Not at all--he remained deaf and mute as before. Good father God was insisting that the healing of his priest be accomplished in public: what's the good of making miracles for a small audience?

Zacharie was therefore left more a deaf-mute than ever, and so he remained until the day of the public religious ceremony which, among the Jews, followed the birth of every male child. This ceremony was circumcision. Eight days after little Jean--that was the name the angel had imposed--had made his appearance on this earth, he was carried to the Temple, and the surgical operation was performed on him which is the baptism of the Israelites and the Muslims. (14)

Suddenly, Zacharie uttered a cry.

--Ah...! Ah...! Ah...! That's it...! My friends, I can talk! I'm talking!

And, in order to catch up on the time lost during his nine months of muteness, he began forthwith to a spout a long hymn of his own composition, in which he celebrated the glory of Jehovah-Sabaoth.

Well, it has to be read, this hymn of revelations; it merits being read, go ahead. The whole thing is found in the Gospel. Here is its beginning. (15)

"Blessed be the Lord, cried out Zacharie as soon as his tongue was untied, blessed be the God of Israel, because he has looked upon us and he will deliver his people."

"In the family of David, in my family, the Lord has made a horn grow, and this horn will be our salvation..., etc."

This is directly from the book; I invent nothing. But let us not pity Zacharie, since he was so intensely delighted by his horn. (16)

Little Jean was raised by his mother and by Zacharie with very particular care--only, curious detail to note, the boy escaped as often as he could from the paternal house, and went to play hookey in the surrounding vicinity. There, he used to talk to himself for hours and hours.

Decidedly, one sees, Jean was the precursor of the Messiah that the Jewish people were awaiting.

When and how was this Messiah going to be born?

That is what we are going to see without further delay.


CHAPTER III: THE WORKING OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
The angel Gabriel was an awfully sharp young man, this young envoy of Jehovah whom we have just seen in the Tabernacle. Gabriel, if one must believe what the old books say, specialized in astounding people by informing them that they were to have kids. We have seen him functioning in regard to the birth of John; now we're going to see him function some more. And where is this?--at the home of a cousin of Elisabeth's.

Elisabeth had a cousin named Marie, who lived in Nazareth, an obscure village in Galilee. Marie was young, brunette, (17) and pretty enough to eat: a morsel fit for a king, don't you know!

At that time, there was no one else in Judaea as king but Lord Herod who, to be honest, was not the true king in the eyes of the Jews, since he was a monarch imposed by the Romans: that is, a usurper. (18) Of a legitimate king, they had not a single hair! But the royal race of David still amounted nonetheless to a certain number of descendants, among whom was a carpenter with the predestined name of Joseph. (19)

So, Mary, morsel fit for a king, was engaged to Joseph, descendant of king David.

The father and mother of the young woman, papa Joachim and mama Anne, had from the beginning consecrated their daughter to the Lord, that is to say: since her earliest childhood they had made her promise solemnly right in the Temple that she would not marry and that she would work exclusively for the curates.

One fine day, Joachim and Anne changed their minds and, for a motive which the Evangelist neglects to apprise us of, they engaged their daughter to the carpenter Joseph. Perhaps they owed him an invoice too high for their income and Joseph, cunning old thing that he was, had demanded the young lady as payment in full. Those are the kinds of arrangements people make now and then.

In short, they passed the sponge over the former arrangements, and the engagement of Marie and Joseph was celebrated, in a completely solemn manner and at the same Temple where the young girl had uttered her vows. In all periods, in times far distant as well as today, priests have always been very accommodating. Someone had promised them a brunette as their personal servant, but in return for some hundred-sou pieces, they consented to overlook that and blessed the engagement of the carpenter just as they had blessed that of the commissioner of the mint.

Marie was the only one who was being forced to tug at her ear a bit. Joseph was not in the bloom of youth; he had a big bushy beard, a peevish air, rather sparse hair, and was quite surly in his language. Such a fianc� in no way represented any very gay future--and besides, she took her vows very seriously, this girl.

The first time that her parents spoke to her about Joseph, she pouted in a characteristic way, and said:

--Gosh darn it! What about my vow of virginity?

Happily for him, Joseph was a fine diplomat. He smiled an inscrutable smile, passed his hand through his thinning hair, and said in an offhand manner:

--Oh! If that's all that's bothering you, miss, I can very easily put you at ease. I suppose you think I want to get married for that reason? Upon my word, you're barking up the wrong tree. (20) Me, I don't care about that much. No, the final word of the story is that I'm terrifically bored. (21) Nobody to keep me company. I had a parrot, but it died last week. Besides, look at my pants: I re-sew my buttons--they're so badly re-sewn! See, if I'm looking to take a wife, it's only so I can have my cutlets medium-rare and my clothes well-mended. That's what marriage is to me!

This was said in so good-natured a way that it brought tears to mother Anne's eyes. She turned toward her daughter and into the porches of her ears she poured these words:

--Come on, don't act like such a stuck up thing, you little fool! In the first place, your father and I, we really want you married, and since you owe us obedience, it would be best for you to go along with our wishes. We don't have the means to follow through on your previous commitments. You know your father has been suffering business reverses (22) for some time. In order for you to enter definitively into Temple service, the levites demand the contribution of a rather consequential trousseau, while Joseph on the other hand will take you with no dowry. Come now, make your mind up, simpleton--you'll never find as nice a sort as this for a husband.

Marion lowered her eyes and murmured:

--Well, alright, yes, mama, I accept. Only it must be well understood that I will never go back on my conditions. (23)

Joseph leaned forward and replied:

--Miss, you do me great honor.

That's how father Joachim's daughter became the fianc�e of the descendant of David.

While waiting for her marriage day, the brunette lived with her father and her mother and looked after the house, while the two of them spent the day at the homes of their respective employers. (24)

Now, one lovely morning in the month of March, in the very bloom of springtime, at a moment when Marion was all alone in her bedroom, a fine-looking man came in. He was well-built handsome young man.

The brown-haired young girl raised her head with a shocked look, but the surprise was not a disagreeable one to her--on the contrary.

The good-looking young man came forward, a sweet smile on his lips.

--Greetings to you, (25) Marie, he said. Oh! You are truly full of grace. One easily sees that the Lord is with you, He who is the author of all that is lovely. You are privileged beyond all other women; the infant that will be born of you will certainly be a thousand times blessed.

Marie was more and more shocked, and at the same time delighted. Never had she heard a voice so melodious to her ear. What a difference from the grating organ of the old greybeard they had forced on her as a husband.

What floored her the most, though, was hearing him speak of a kid that was going to be born of her. She replied to the handsome young man (I'm quoting here the text of the phrase in the Gospel of Luke, first chapter, verse 34): "How could this happen, since I don't yet know a man?"

This innocent naivet� put the handsome young man completely at his ease.

--Don't worry about that at all, he replied, o grace-filled Marie. Have no fear. That is an insignificant detail. My name is Gabriel and I am an angel by profession, so you can take my word for it. Let the virtue of the Most High cover you with its shadow, (26) and you will see afterwards. I say unto you, my pretty thing, you will have a child, you will give him the name of Jesus, and all the world will call him the Son of God.

From that moment, young Marie was convinced.

--I am your servant, she said, abandoning herself to the will of the Lord. Let it be done unto me according to your word.

What then took place in the house in Nazareth?, asks the late Monsignor Dupanloup who likewise has written the Life of Jesus. The holy bishop says: --At that instant, the Word was made flesh. (27)

Done, and done! The Word!

The angel Gabriel, his mission accomplished, shook his white wings and disappeared, as always out through the ceiling. (28)

The Virgin was impregnated; the working of the Holy Spirit had achieved a complete success.

In this regard, permit me to pose a simple question to my old friend our Holy Father the Pope: (29) --Why do the Evangelists indifferently call Jesus Christ either "the Son of God" or "the Son of Man" -- Zounds, isn't it that "Son of Man" or "Son of God" are really the same thing! (30) All the more so since Gabriel is a Hebrew word that means literally: the Man of God. (31)

Holy Father, would you be so kind as to explain this at your next Council? (32) For if some of the faithful started to imagine that the Evangelists, in calling Christ at the same time Son of Man and Son of God, meant that the said Jesus is the son of "the Man of God" that would quite likely force on us a new heresy. (33)

At any rate, Most Holy Father, don't imagine that it is only on my own account that I submit to you this observation.

As a believer right down to the very tips of my fingernails, I leave the angel Gabriel completely out of the working of the Holy Spirit. I far prefer to believe--and firmly, I assure you--that it is the pigeon that discharged this duty all alone.
That is infinitely more amusing.


CHAPTER IV: MARIE AT ELISABETH'S
So, the pigeon had acted, and it has to be recognized that the pigeon handled things well. So well in fact that at the end of a few days young Marie was perfectly well aware of the happy accident that had befallen her. She said nothing to anyone, as the Evangelist affirms for us, but she knew very well where she stood. What a scamp!

From morning till night, she remained absorbed in her thoughts, pondering with pleasure the visit of the handsome Gabriel and the event that had followed from it.

Father Joachim and mother Anne, coming home in the evening from their work, asked why their little girl had become so dreamy.

--She's thinking about Joseph, Joachim would say, winking at her.

--Absolutely not!, Anne replied, more shrewdly. There's an eel under the rock... (34) and that eel's name is not Joseph.

--You really think so?

--That's how I have the honor of announcing it to you, Joachim.

--But if so, that would really be serious.

--Pfoo! Not as serious as all that! Marion is not stupid, and therefore our dear imp has, no doubt, as I believe, some little idea in her head... At her age, that's allowed, she's come to the age where the heart speaks... But Marion is virtuous at bottom, in all this: we can rest easy... She is much too wise to make the least false step... I know her, my daughter, the little devil! It's not for prunes that I'm her mother!

As for Joseph, he continued to show towards Marie all the assiduousness of a fianc� who is taking his role seriously. He never let a week pass without coming to Joachim's house, armed with a superb bouquet where, among the flowers, magnificent lilies dominated; it was delicate and in good taste. In carpentry, people have always known how to be courteous, while remaining reserved.
However, Marion, who didn't dare confide her secret to either her papa or her mama, was experiencing the need to pour the too-fullness of her soul into another discreet and devoted soul. This need to confide, moreover, was nothing but natural.

She asked Joachim and Anne for permission to go spend some time at her cousin Elisabeth's house.

Joachim and Anne consulted with each other. They saw nothing inconvenient in deferring to that desire. So Marie went to Youttah.

It is good to say that, at this point, the wife of Zacharie had not brought little Jean into the world; the precursor of the Messiah was only on the way. Indeed, the evangelist Luke, who is very precise in his information, informs us that Elisabeth conceived exactly six months before Joseph's fianc�e.

When Elisabeth, who was living in seclusion (35) in the midst of Judah's many mounts, saw her cousin coming to her, she experienced a surprise that was full of sweet satisfaction. At a glance, the two women understood one another.

--Welcome, Marie, said Elisabeth.

They kissed each other on each cheek.

--Cousin, said Marion a bit timidly, and blushing, how happy I am to see you! So you knew...?

--Yes, I knew... We're both very happy, but you above all, isn't that right...? As soon as I saw you--how curious this is!--my child leapt in my womb... It's a good omen, believe me.

Marie asked nothing more than to believe in all these good words of her cousin's.

They chatted, they chatted a long time.

--I'll look after you for a few days, my dear sweet thing, said Elisabeth. Your presence here will bring me honor.

She could not have been more agreeable.

So Marion no longer kept any secrets from Elisabeth. She told her about the visit of the angel and how she well loved Him who had been so willing to cast eyes on her.

She poured out her heart and exclaimed in an explosion of joy:

--My soul glorifies my Lord, and my heart, in thinking of him, is filled every day with good cheer. I am the servant of my Lord, he has deigned to accord me his favors; he has made great things in me...

Elisabeth smiled, full of friendship for Marie.

The latter continued:

--His name is holy to me. I was hungry, and he gave me my fill. He has displayed for me the power of his arm; thus, all generations will call me blessed.

Elisabeth took her by the hands:

--You're adorable, my dear Marie!

These effusions of cousin to cousin went on like this for three months, until the day when Zacharie the sacrificer was declared a papa in the name of the law.
That day, Marion returned to Nazareth. Only, because it had been three months now since the Word had been made flesh, the young brunette's belly was beginning to draw stares.


CHAPTER V: WHERE JOSEPH, HAVING FOUND HER TO
HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY, COMES TO A DECISION
Joseph was a worthy carpenter, that we know. However, despite his good-hearted air, he hadn't been born yesterday and, besides, he did have his own little sense of self-respect.

When the wheat starts to grow, somebody has sowed some seed, he said, and as soon as he had seen his sweet fianc�e he added:

--Someone has trampled my flower-beds!

And the carpenter "knew from then on the most bitter of sorrows."

Let's do him this justice: he was not completely in the wrong. Could he imagine, he, a decent fellow with a simple soul, that a pigeon was his only rival and that Marie, though perfectly pregnant, was just as much a virgin as before the working of the Holy Spirit?

No, Joseph couldn't imagine that.

Place in his stead the most credulous churchwarden. Suppose that this most faith-filled devout person had been Marion's fianc�, and that after she had come back from a three months' trip to Youttah, he had found the young brunette to be in the state that you are cognizant of. I wager a hundred sous (36) in Pope's coins that our devout churchwarden would perhaps be even more severely vexed than Joseph was vexed.

Joseph was anxious to have a wife to keep watch over his stewpot (37) and to mend his pants. But he did not carry his disinterest in the subject of conjugal love to the point of remaining insensible to the ridicule which follows fatally from the state of being a cuckolded husband.

On the day when, after Marie's return, he picked up again with his habit of visiting her and offering a bouquet, Joseph noticed immediately that the belly (38) of his fianc�e had taken on disquieting proportions. He started back, letting go his of lilies, and cried out:

--Gadzooks, miss, you haven't wasted your time stringing pearls since the last time I had the pleasure of seeing you...!

Marie, ashamed, lowered her head.

Father Joachim and mother Anne were stunned.

Joseph then turned toward them.

--A pox on the both of you! If you believe that I'm going to get married to your slut of a daughter, then while you're at it you won't do badly to wait for apricot trees to grow feathers...! Only a few days ago my co-workers were teasing me about having designs on a young woman...! They made up a catch-phrase: "Ah, my poor Joseph, it's done!" I can just hear them singing all those songs in the workshop... And the apprentices, who are real nasty boys, they would make a joke out of it, about me...! No, on my faith, that will not do... I am released from my word... I have no longing to become the talk (39) of the entire neighborhood...!

While Joseph was speaking, Marion had recovered her composure a little. She tried to coax her fianc�, she put on an engaging pout, to get him to swallow the pill:

--Joseph, my dear, I swear to you that you are wrong... I am as pure as the child that will be born of me...

--As pure as your future baby, you say...! Well, that's a bit far-fetched...

--Joseph, my big rabbit, I give you my word of honor that I have always been worthy of you... No man alive is able to boast of even having kissed the tips of my fingers...

--You, you, you! I know chalk from cheese, you know... If it isn't a man, then who's put you in this rotten position? (40)

--It's the pigeon, Joseph! (41)

At this point the carpenter, vexed, turned completely red:

--The good-for-nothing! She's still mocking me into the bargain... In the name of guff! It's tremendously lucky for me that she started these stunts (42) before we'd gone in front of the mayor. Once the marriage-formula is uttered, Yours Truly would have been in a fine mess...! (43)

With that, Joseph left in a rage. It is regrettable that the evangelist Matthew, who informs us of this incident, (44) hasn't given us the text of the recriminations uttered by the decent fellow with the lilies. The words that I have just attributed to Marie's fianc� must be very weak beside those which he actually spoke. "Good-for-nothing" and "slut" are extremely pale terms next to those which the vexed carpenter certainly applied to his unfaithful fianc�e. For it must be presumed that our jack-plane and trying-plane businessman did not put on kid-gloves in order to say to Marion everything he held in his heart.
As for Joachim and Anne, they were like two pies; (45) their mouths were wide open; for them the shock was just as extreme.

When Joseph was gone, there was a quarrel in the full sense of the term. Disagreeable words hailed down on Marie. Her papa and her mama wanted at all costs to know what naughty person from the neighborhood was the author of that which Joachim and Anne, in their ignorance of the designs of God, considered a dirty deed. There was even a certain cousin, by the name of Panther, (46) on whom mother Anne particularly fixed her suspicions. This cousin Panther was not bad looking and, at one point, had asked to marry the young girl.

In vain Marie swore to God that the pigeon was the only one to blame, but she had no success in getting them to believe this.

Finally, Anne and Joachim, heartbroken, resigned themselves and awaited developments.

They had completely given up any hope of ever marrying off their "slut," when one fine morning they saw Joseph coming. The carpenter was rubbing his hands with bliss. They had never seen a person as radiant as he.

--Well now, he said, future father-in-law and future mother-in-law, are you still determined to accept me as your son-in-law?

--You don't say!, exclaimed the other two. But it's we who believed that you didn't want Marion any more, after her little accident!

--Yes, in fact I was furious, I certainly admit that. But now I know everything...
At that moment, Anne and Joachim were more stunned than ever.

--What!, said the father. Now you know everything, and that's why you want to marry her...?

--Precisely.

--No doubt we're not understanding properly.

--I'm saying: precisely...

--You're just joking... Joseph, don't make fun of our unhappiness!

--I'm not making fun... I know everything, and I can guarantee you that the girl wasn't trying to fool us at all when she affirmed that it was the pigeon. (47)

Anne and Joachim stared at one another.

--Come on, you don't need to stare at each other like that, with the eyes of a cat that's made caca in the cinders... I am sure of what I'm proposing now, in my turn: it's the pigeon! (48)

--Indeed then, since you are sticking so definitely to the idea, murmured Joachim, I don't see anything objectionable to the idea that it's the pigeon... (49) Besides, it's your affair.

--Imagine this: I had a dream last night... A handsome angel with wings of gold was seated in a familiar fashion on my bedside rug, (50) his legs crossed, and he said to me: Joseph, do you know that you are extremely stupid...? You only have to hold out your hand to become the owner of a treasure, and you won't even move your little finger...! --Where is this treasure?, I asked the angel. --Two steps from your house, in your village, right here in Nazareth, in short! This treasure is Marion, daughter to father Joachim, that pretty brunette to whom you've been engaged. --Yes, I replied, the one who is pregnant by I don't know who; everyone thinks it's by Panther. If Marion is a treasure, well, she's not a treasure of virtue, that's for sure. --Joseph, you're wrong. Panther has nothing to do with it, nor anyone among mortal men; Marion is as much a virgin as the bird still in the egg. The child that she carries in her womb, my old man, is simply (51) the Messiah, introduced by the working of the Holy Spirit. --So that was not a joke, the pigeon?, I asked. --True, arch-true! I am the archangel Gabriel, so you can believe me. --Since (52) you are the archangel Gabriel, I say nothing more. And what do you advise me to do? --Marry Marie as fast as you can, my boy. (53) In that way you will be, in the eyes of the law and without having taken any pains, the papa of the Messiah that will save the people of Israel and even the whole entire world along with them.

Joachim and Anne were completely charmed. Joseph continued:

--Now you understand if I make haste to become your son-in-law...! Another man would only have to receive from heaven the same revelation as me and he would trick me out of my treasure.

--So be it, Joseph, said the father and the mother, enchanted. It's a deal, my good man Joseph! Marion is yours; just the time needed to publish the banns, and the affair is done... irrevocably, right?

--Ir-re-vo-ca-bly!

Ten days after this conversation, young Marion was Mrs. Joseph. At the wedding ceremony, several young people in fact risked one or two pleasantries at the bride's garland of orange-flowers. (54) But the high-priest Simeon who, in his priestly capacity, was inspired by God, nudged the carpenter with his elbow and slipped him these few words in a low voice:

--Go, you lucky man!


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[Chapter VI then begins and goes straight into Christ's genealogy, followed by his birth, but the relevance to Ulysses is less immediate than in Chapters I through V.]
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