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| WARNING: You are about to enter the mind of HydroSoul. Click here to turn back now. What lies ahead is not a pretty site... you have been warned. |
| September 24, 2000 |
I wonder why I am alive today. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have to work, I didn't have school. I showered, took a bath, cleaned the bathroom, ate, sketched for a while, and now I don't know what to do. I feel as though I have no purpose at this moment in time. There is no desire in me to do anything and it scares me. Where has my motivation gone? Where is my inspiration? Was it stolen from me in one night of indulgence? I cannot express how deeply I regret poisoning my body with that wretched herb but I cannot undo what has already been done or take back what has already been said. Drugs are not my purpose. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Do I need a mentor to give me direction in my life? Will that help? Perhaps a psychologist? Show me the ways that I cannot see. Give me desire, dreams, hope, and faith. Without all of these, I am nothing. Dream on dreamer. |
| September 1, 2000 |
It's been eight months already. Eight whole months since the day I met him. His name is Bryan and I know things about him that a lot of other people don't know. But most of all, I know about his feelings for me and how they must remain locked and hidden away for his own safety. I had hoped to get over him but the time was very brief. I can't escape him. He is a mystery that I must unlock. Since the first day I met him in a gay/bi chat room he has been a mystery. I have not witnessed his voice or seen any pictures of him. For some reason, he was scared to talk to me on the phone and never wanted to share his image with me in fear of me not liking his looks or me searching for him if I knew what he looked like. When I met him, he had just broken up with his girlfriend and he said he was bi. He confessed experiences with friends of his; all sounded good. As the days progressed, he thought that he was totally homosexual. He was afraid, and he had a right to be for even I was very frightened when I first found myself sexually attracted to other males. He was afraid of the rejection from his parents, from his peers, from the world. I am the only one that he has poured his heart out to. Our chats felt very deep and we had one big thing in common: we both loved The Smashing Pumpkins. I have never before met another Smashing Pumpkins fan before he came into my life. He was a college student as well and only one year my junior. On our first chat session, we talked for hours until the sun came up. I cherished that time. I was ready to meet him since he lived close to me but he was never willing to meet me. To this day, he remains a mystery. He has never left my thoughts. I have cried for him. I have yearned for him. I have been sad, happy, confused, and understanding all because of him. "For Bryan" is a poem I wrote for him while I was under the influence of ecstasy. He felt that he was causing me much pain just by meeting me and being himself which attracted me to him very strongly. I protested, claiming that he was the only thing that I ever looked forward to in the longest time of my life. He still is the only thing in this world that I look forward to. I can't be sure what this destiny has in store. I still, to this day, have no idea why I met him and why we are still in contact. I suppose that I am forever to be his therapeutic outlet, that is until he can afford a good psychiatrist or psychologist. For now, he is in total denial of his feelings, stating that he likes girls, that he is going to be married, that he is going to have kids and die in complete contentment. I have been hurt by this denial before because in denying his true feelings, he is denying me. But I don't know if we are meant to be together. We may never know how good this could be. In conjunction with "For Bryan" are the poems "Murder On My Heart (Reprise)" and "No Rest" written as preludes to "For Bryan". In the meantime, I am here waiting, watching, wondering if the time will ever come that we should feel each other's touch, each other's heart beats, look into each other's eyes, and breathe the same air. |
