Fez Quotes
Fez: So you made out with a college girl?
Eric: Kind of.
Hyde: Start talking.
Kelso: Tell it like a story, like a sexy story.
Eric: Okay, she like jammed her entire tongue in my mouth. And you wouldn't think a girl had that much tongue. But...oh no...I
feel kind of guilty. Almost dirty.
Kelso: Dirty is good.
Fez: I like feeling dirty.
Kelso: Ha , Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.
Fez: I too, must go to the bathroom. Eric?
Eric: No Fez, it doesn't work that way with guys.
Hyde: ...and it runs on water!
Fez: So it is a boat.
Hyde: No, its a car. Only you put water in the gas tank instead of gas. And it runs on water, man!
Kelso: I never heard of this car. Hey Jackie's good for gas money.
Eric: You are such a whore!
Fez: When does the boat get here, whore?
Donna: It's still three women, naked with a dog.
Fez: I want to be the Hooterville dog.
Kelso: I've always wanted to do that--just run butt naked through a sea of people. Be free and shake it around. Okay who's
in?
Fez: Will people be chasing us with torches and pointy things?
Kelso: No.
Fez: Then I am in.
Hyde: Oh, I could write some really great slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass why don't you just shave it off?
Fez: You know, in my country, if a woman beats you that makes her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yes, but this is America, wuss.
Kelso: Wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss.
Hyde: Kelso. Kelso! Would you stop that?! Wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss!
Eric: Wait wait wait, what about Kelso? I mean Jackie has him totally whipped.
Fez: Whipped like the family pig.
Kelso: I am not pig whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?
Hyde: Are you kidding? 'Michael, call me at 8!'
Eric: 'Michael do your Chico impression!'
Fez: Michael rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.
(silence)
Fez: Please someone else talk now.
Kelso: And dates. Dates cost money.
Fez: No Kelso, that is prostitution.
Fatso Burger guy: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Kelso: Rock star. Or no, movie star. No, yeah. Rock star.
Hyde: Prison.
Kelso: You know what it is? I'm great looking, and he's jealous. I'm telling you Jackie, this body is a curse!
Jackie: But if you worked here, you couldn't see me whenever I wanted you to. Lover.
Kelso: Oh yeah!
(they go to kiss)
Fez: Please stop touching each other. It gives me needs.
Fez: Good evening Donna. Which of these ladies are easy?
Tina: Donna, some of you r creepy friends are using dad's stereo.
Donna: You guys, no ones allowed in the house!
Fez: Hello pretty lady!
Tina: Hi!!
Donna: She's not a pretty lady, she's my sister, and she's fourteen.
Fez: You know in my country--
Hyde: It's illegal here.
Fez: Oh I see...
Kelso: Yea well, I have something to say. I went to the mall today, and bought a new pair of shoes. And they're the coolest
kicks in the cave.
Eric: So, no more for Kelso, he's toasted.
Fez: I would like some toast if you are making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving.
Fez: Oh no, Dick Tracy's trapped in a giant clam! Farewell sweet Dick.
Hyde: A man being eaten by a giant clam. Now I'm not Sigmund Freud, but, huh?
Kelso: Eric! "The Omen's" playing at the drive in. You know what this means? It's makeout city.
Eric: I really like you as a friend, Kelso, but can I bring a girl?
Kelso: Yeah! It's going to be great man. Horror movies turn chicks on faster than porno.
Hyde: Faster than that?
Kelso: Yeah. I just wish somebody would make a porno horror movie.
Eric: Well, then there'd be no stopping you.
Mr. Erdman: There it is, "devil love me!" "Devil lives!" It's plain as day!
(Fez is laughing)
Mr. Erdman: What's funny?
Fez: In my language, the record just said "I want to sex your monkey"...which I have never done!
Fez: I tell you, I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: Its not the devil. It's congress, man. They passed a secret law to put backwards messages on our records, man. They
want to kill rock n' roll, because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Hyde: Alright. Now here's how we sneak the devil music past Ozzie and Harriet. Observe. Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone.
Don't resist me Pat Boone. No stop, you're hurting me! Don't resist! No, it hurts, oooh!
Fez: But what if my host parents hear it?
Hyde: Then Satan commands us to kill them, Fez.
Fez: Noooo!
Hyde: Ooh, Kelso misses another one. I believe that's h-o-r.
Fez: Ah, you are a whore.
Donna: So where's Buddy?
Eric: Uh, Buddy...got...busy.
Jackie: Yeah well, I'm sure he has lots to do, he is "popular."
Fez: Yes, and so obviously gay.
Jackie: Buddy is not gay!
Kelso: Please Fez, that's just stupid. If Buddy was gay he would've been all over me.
Donna: Man that Grinch has a big butt.
Fez: Yes. Nothing says Christmas like a big green grinch ass.
Fez: Merry Christmas.Ooh punch.
Laurie:Yeah, can I pour you some?
Fez: No thank you...but if you would like you could bend over and put my gifts under the tree.
Hyde: Hey Donna man, I brought my double sleeping bag. You know?
Donna: Great...can Eric and I borrow it?
Fez: Oh Hyde, watching you fail over and over...it is like Charlie Brown and the football.
Hyde: Yeah man, I just don't get it.
Fez: Yes, because Eric already has it!
Fez: I made my first snowball! I love the snow so much, my fingers are numb with joy!
Donna: Its frostbite Fez.
Fez: How rude! I hate your white man's winter!
Donna: All right, we made it!
Eric: Just in time, that storm was getting nasty.
Fez: I am so cold. The winter has stolen my manhood!
Fez: I am freezing! The winter in my country is seventy degrees. We must hold each other for warmth!
Jackie: Stop touching me!
Fez: But I'm going to DIE!
Hyde: Ok Fez, oooh, Ameretto. This'll warm you right up. Take a sip of that.
Fez: Yum, liquid candy.
Eric: No, put it back, I like that song.
Hyde: Pipe down there, backseat Charlie.
Eric: Back seat sucks.
Fez: Welcome to my sad little world.
Bob: Midge and I had a beautiful thing, Fezzy. Then it all went wrong.
Hyde: Yeah Bob, women are hell. Why don't you grab us all a beer and we'll talk it over?
Bob: I could get you sodas cause I know you're underage.
Hyde: Bob, this isn't about us. It's about you. And you need friends. And beer.
Bob: How stupid do you think I am?
Hyde: Why don't we grab a beer and talk it over?
Bob: Ahh, no.
Hyde: Well then Bob, you're on your own.
Fez: See how you drive people away?
Kelso: We're gonna be doing it. Cause that's what we do, we do it!
Fez: Then I'm in!
Kelso: Uh, no Fez, you're not invited.
Fez: Oh. Then I'm out.
Hyde: I am here, sans girlfried, to help you guys out.
Fez: Then I have a question. How much masturbation is too much?
Hyde: There's no such thing as too much.
Fez: Then in the dream, two of the three Stooges bring me grapes, while I play them a beautiful song on my accordian. In the
nude.
Hyde: Somehow the accordian part scares me more than the nude part.
Fez: I still don't understand why Donna has to take this pill. Is she sick?
Hyde: No, Fez, she takes the pill so she can have all the sex she wants and not get pregnant.
Fez: Mmmm...with such a useful product on the market (lifts up Kelso's head) what the hell were you thinking you idiot?!
Kelso: Did she just break up with me?
Hyde: ....yep!
Fez: I am so sad for you. Um, may I please have her phone number?
Fez: I am so excited to be working in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?
Edna: Is he kidding?
Hyde: We can never tell.
Donna: What do you guys want to do after highschool?
Eric: Uh, never touch dead people. Ever.
Fez: I want to go back to my homeland with all the knowledge I've learned here in Wisconsin, and rule with an iron fist!
Eric: What do you think of my prom tux? Dig the crushed velvet!
Fez: Eric you look like a pimp.
Eric: Oh yeah, we could go--
Fez: To the prom.
Eric: No Fez, all the way.
Fez: All the way...to the prom.
Kelso: Guess who's taking Pam Macy to the prom?
Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Kelso: No, me!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
Fez: I know who I can take to the prom. The lucky lady is...my English teacher!
Kelso: No Fez, you can't take a teacher to the prom.
Fez: Why not? She's always writing sexy comments on my homework. "nice job, good effort, see me, I love you." Ok, I
made the last one up, but the other ones are real!
Kitty: Eric, David's here!
Fez: The scoliosis athsma freak is here? I can't wait to see this.
Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life!
Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger.
Kelso: Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art!
Kelso (on the phone): Dad, there is no way this could've been avoided. Yes. Yeah. The cow kicked me after I tipped it over.
I'M NOT LYING! Ok, alright. I love you too. (hangs up) He bought it!
Fez (to nurse): Um excuse me? Um, yes. My friend and I would like a sponge bath now, please?
Fez: These after school specials are thrilling. Who knew it takes only one beer to turn a cheerleader into a whore?
Jackie: You know Fez, this show contains an important message. That very thing happened to a friend of mine.
Fez: Really?
Jackie: Mmm hmm.
Fez: Um, may I ask who?
Hyde: Man, that is one drunk slutty cheerleader!
Fez: Hello, House of Chicken? How big are your wings?
Hyde: Breasts!
Fez: Oh. How big are your breasts? (pause) This is Fez, who is this?
Hyde: (motioning frantically)
Fez (Hangs up): Whew! my first prank call!
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