Polyamory: Raising the Stakes on Love

Well, what if you can?

There are people all over this country and throughout the world who live a polyamorous life. Polyamory literally means "many loves". As a lifestyle (or "lovestyle" as some call it) it means that you are not monogamous. For some this means being single, dating whomever they like, or having an intimate network of lovers. For others, a committed group marriage of 3 or more adults is desired. And, of course, there are other infinite possibilities. The Church of All Worlds (CAW) is a Pagan organization and church which openly supports, and espouses, the poly lifestyle. The religion is based on the ideas and philosophies given in Robert Heinlein's book, "Stranger In A Strange Land". Many polyamorists remember the "Free Love" era and are trying to live that dream.

You may have discovered polyamory on the Internet, or perhaps have read about it in a Pagan magazine. Or been to a "swinging" party. If you've read Heinlein then you probably know more than most. I was first exposed to it at a Pagan gathering almost 10 years ago. I remember feeling a bit strange at first, but then as I got used to the idea that not everyone had to live in the six-sided box of monogamy, I felt really good being part of a community where sex and sensuality were encouraged and supported. I realized that I liked the idea of having many people to love and to love me back. Not just friends who love you, but lovers. There is a certain security in knowing you have a loving partner and exciting to know you have the freedom to explore the other possibilities.

Polyamorists live and support responsible non-monogamy. This includes total honesty in relationships, safer sex practices, and lots of trust. In order to put this into practice, all partners must be in agreement about "the rules". It helps if all parties can sit down and talk about what they want, what they need, and discuss limitations or fears. One partner might want total freedom, while another wants a closed group to play with. Do you want a single, a couple, a sex party, a man, a woman, a transsexual? Perhaps you like a certain "flavor" of sex that your partner does not like. Are you destined to refrain from a pleasurable activity for the rest of your life? Or perhaps you can find someone who can share that with you, and still maintain your committed relationship. Maybe you are bisexual and wish to have both a male and female partner? Do you have children, and how do you fit lovers into your family? At what point do your children meet your lovers, and how much do you tell them?

There are lots of reason why someone might choose to live a poly relationship style. If you feel drawn yourself, I encourage you to be honest with yourself first and know why. Then you can communicate effectively and sensitively with your partners and come to an honest, sex-positive agreement. Realize that jealousies will come up, even for those of us who have been poly for years. Your buttons will be pushed. You could also find yourself being happier than you ever thought you could be.

So next time you find yourself flirting with that friend, watch out! She just might be flirting back!

Resources:

www.polyamory.com  NY Capital Region Polyamory Discussion Group
www.polyamory.org  http://www.geocities.com/lorre_me/poly.html
www.lovemore.com  www.polymatchmaker.com
http://community.polyamory.org (for ads) www.caw.org

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt
Polyamory, The New Love Without Limits by Dr. Deborah M. Anapol
 

—Jennifer Fegan-Szalay

Jennifer Fegan-Szalay facilitated a workshop on Polyamory at HVPN University on June 9, 2001.