"Sneeze the Day"
NOTE: Machina definitely makes this episode worth watching. And that's Ma-KIN-ah, not Mah-SHEEN-a, if you were wondering. Funny stuff. If at all possible, see the real thing. My transcript doesn't do Machina's voice justice. 100% hilarious stuff. If it helps any, he's voiced by Dave Thomas, who used to work with Rick Moranis.
NOTE: You probably will notice the incredible similarities between the opening to this episode and a scene in the film. Just look for 'em, it should be easy.
NOTE: If it says Abu "barks," it means he fires off one of those little surprised chirps. A chatter is more of a bunch of rapid-fire squawks. An "ooh" is that nervous or impressed monkey noise, you know, an ooh�I can't believe I'm describing monkey noises, what a weird life I lead. -.-'
[THEME SONG PLAYS, ENDS, TITLE COMES UP]
[Open on an Agrabanian street. Slowly zoom to the roof.]
Guard: Stop, thief! Stop!
[Yelling and crashing is heard in the background. "Thief," or Amin D'Moola, a few-episode character, leaps onto the roof, glances back at the guards, and takes off running across the roof.]
Guard: Stop, thief!
Amin: *pants* [screeches to a halt just over the edge of the roof. A diamond flies out of his hands and he grasps for it, finally catching it and holding it above his head.] Guik! Oh-oh!
[Aladdin and Rasoul's two guard friends come running across the roof after him.]
Aladdin: Stop, thief!
Amin: Ah�all this for a gigantic diamond? [he leaps off the roof] Yaaah! [he hits a clothesline, running into a few articles of clothing on the way down] AAA! [his hands slide down the clothesline, turning red] Whoa-oaaaaaa! [he blows them off, and plummets to the ground in a heap of clothes] AAA! WAAAA! [the diamond lands on his head] OW! [he grabs it and runs, snickering down an alleyway] G'whoa!
[Unfortunately, he's run right into Aladdin and two thug guards.]
Aladdin: You won't get away that easy.
Amin: [turning to run the other way] You think that was easy? D'oh!
[The genie, on the other side, cracks his knuckles]
Genie: Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Amin?
[A hay cart passes between him and Amin, and when it pulls away, no Amin. Amin then crawls out of the hay on the leaving cart, laughing.]
Amin: Trouble? [he stands on the cart lip] Mmph. Ha ha! You're only in trouble if you get caught! [The cart goes under an overpass bridge. Amin, standing tall, does not.] Ack! OH! [He gets his bearings just in time for�]
Genie: Arrrrrrgh!
[Genie, now a football player, comes barreling for him, and WHAM! Right into the cart of a fat big-lipped fruit vendor.]
Vendor: MY FRUIT!
[A sticky Genie pulls a sticky Amin out of the wreckage and deftly holds him up by the pants with two fingers.]
Genie: That was one for the highlight reel, eh Al?
[Aladdin calmly walks up and pulls a large bag of money out of Amin's pocket, handing it to the now-happy vendor.]
Aladdin: This should cover the damage.
[Aladdin holds up the stolen diamond and examines it. A guard snatches it from him, and, with his buddy helping, drag Amin away.]
Guard: We'll take 'im from here, boy!
Aladdin [disheartened]: No need to thank us or anything�
Genie: Ah�[turns back to normal, still sticky, poofs in a towel, and dries off] all's well that ends well�*ahchoo�gasp* [to the vendor] What kind of fruits are these?!
Vendor: [still in "selling" mode] Guavas, the PUREST in Agrabah!
Genie: [utterly exasperated] THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Ooooooh, this is BAAAD!
Aladdin: So you're a little sticky, what, would it kill you to take a shower?
Genie: Al, it's GUAVA JUICE! [slaps his fists to his head, REALLY worried] *ahchoo* [A gray kitten appears and mews, falling in Genie's hand] Seeeeee? IT'S STARTING ALREADY!
Aladdin: [takes the kitten in his arms] Aw, he's cute. What's starting?
Genie: [Genie is busy wringing out his arms to get the juice out] Oh�guava juice is the only thing that can give a genie a cold�[he points to his nose] and when genies get colds�Ah�AH�AHCHOO! [A balloon appears, tied to Genie's wrist] WE CAN'T CONTROL OUR MAGIC! [he floats into the sky with it]
Aladdin: Everybody gets colds, Genie.
Genie: But, my magic! [he unties the string and falls to the ground]
Aladdin: I don't think kittens and balloons are anything to worry about. [he puts down the kitten]
Kitten: [rubbing against Aladdin] Mew! Meow! [runs off]
Aladdin: C'mooon, let's getcha some nice hot tea.
[Aladdin takes Genie by the arm and leads him away. We see them from far off, as the camera focuses on the kitten, washing itself]
Genie: Well, okay�but I might get worse�AHCHOO!
[The kitten twitches and instantly turns into a large black panther. Uh-oh.]
Panther: RRRAAAWWWRRR! [It pounces off. Various people are heard screaming]
[Fade to palace. At a large fountain in the center square, Jasmine and Aladdin are playfully splashing water at each other.]
Jasmine: Hee hee hee ha! Hee hee!
Aladdin: Heh heh, gotcha!
[As the camera pans, we also see Carpet and Abu playing catch with a red rubber ball, and Iago desperately trying to take a nap in a pillowed birdbath. But he can't.]
Genie: EeeeeehCHOO! Ahchoo!
[Because Genie, with a thermometer in his mouth, a hot water bottle on his head, and a blanket on his shoulders, has turned a nasty shade of green and is constantly sneezing up some new oddity.]
Genie: AAAAHCHOO! [an armadillo appears, squeaking, and runs off.] YAAAAAHCHOO! [Genie's water bottle becomes a sombrero, his thermometer a trumpet, and his blanket a cape. Mariachi, anyone?] I-I can't take it anymore! [he throws off the garb and runs to Aladdin.]
Aladdin: [sitting with Jasmine on the fountain lip] Sorry Genie, I thought the sun would do ya some good�
Genie: DO ME SOME GOOD?! Al, I'm DANGEROUS! AAAAAHCHBLBLEAH!! [his teeth fly out, chatter, and go hopping off after Abu. Poor Abu.]
Abu: *chatters scared* [he runs with his rubber ball past Genie, who grabs his teeth]
Genie: [the teeth are talking, not him] This is the small stuff, Al. [he puts them back in his mouth] It's bound to get worse�[horrified] MUCH WORSE!
Jasmine: Oh, poor Genie�you will get over it, won't you?
Genie: Oh, sure, genie colds don't last looong. A century or two, tops! [thinking] If we're luckyyyy�it's one of those 24-year bugs.
Aladdin/Jasmine: WHAT!? [Carpet, now sitting next to them, mimes being stunned]
Genie: Wait�is a hundred years a LONG [stretches his arms out] time to you guys or not, OH, I keep forgetting�
Iago: [now flying overhead] AWK! He's just fishin' for sympathy�[he perches next to the others, who glare at him]*in Jasmine's voice, batting his eyes* Ooooh, poor Genie�*normal* Pleeeease, cry me a rivah. [waves his wing nonchalantly]
Genie: Aaaaaaah-ch! [his face flies off and snaps right back, like a mask] Owww�you're suggesting I enjoy this?!
Jasmine: [stands by him, patting his hand] I'm sorry you don't feel well, Genie.
Aladdin: [also stands] It won't, uh�*quiet* kill you, will it?
Genie: [sneezing in Al's general direction] AHCHOO!
[Aladdin flies through the air from the blast to smack against a pillar, followed by 6 conjured swords that pin him to the pillar, barely missing stabbity death.]
Genie: Noooo, but your health might take a turn for the worse. Uh-oh! [he readies another sneeze]
Abu: *barks, scared* [runs away to duck and cover on the floor]
Genie: AAAAAAHCHOO!
[A red raid alarm siren goes off, and the tile Abu was crouching on falls out.]
Abu: *barks, surprised* [drops]
[And a rocket launches out, Abu clinging to the tip.]
Genie: Whooops.
Abu: *oohs nervously* [The rocket climbs higher]
Abu: *teeth chatter, must be chilly up there*
[Carpet flies up after the rocket and tries to pry Abu off. Abu, scared, refuses.]
Abu: *barking* Uh-uh! *chattering angry*
[Carpet finally pulls him off and flies down to safety. He hands Abu to Jasmine just as the rocket explodes in a fireworks show far away.]
Aladdin: [pulling the last sword out of his vest] I'm startin' to see your point. [He looks at the POINTy sword]We HAVE to find a cure.
Genie: Oh, I don't know if there IS one�
Jasmine: Somebody must know how to cure you�
[Iago barks out a laugh. All turn to face him. He's relaxing on the fountain lip, munching an apple.]
Iago: *crunches apple* CURE 'im?! FORGET IT! You'd need the, ah�*crunch* Orb of Machina to do dat�
Jasmine: The what?
Iago: The Orb of *catches himself* NOTHING! [he jerks upwards out of sheer 'duh' and squishes the apple into mush] I�DIDN'T SAY A THING! I was-I was singin' ta myself! [He waves a finger to his made-up tune] Uh�ya ta ta ta ta�Orb of Machina�yee tee tee tee tee�quick on the drum! [Aladdin grabs him with two hands, holding his wings down] OW!
Aladdin: You know the cure, don't you?
Iago: No no no! Don't make me tell! It's dangerous�I'm allergic to danger. I BREAK OUT IN DEAD!
Genie: Yaaaah-choo! [A safe lands on Genie. The safe door opens and he flies out.] Ah�ah�ah�AH�! [Abu holds his nose]
Aladdin: Talk! [he holds Iago up to Genie's face.] Or you'll be something to sneeze at.
Iago: No way, I'm a PARROT, not a stool pigeon.
Genie:[welling up another sneeze] Ah-ah-ah!
Iago: OKAY! I'M A STOOL PIGEON, I'M A STOOL PIGEON! [Aladdin lets him go]
Genie: Yaaah-choo! [A bowling ball smashes the ground below where Iago was.]
Iago: [flutters away, perching in a tree] Okay, you know how Jafar was always draggin' me around lookin' for some magic thing or other? Weeell, one time we were in this quaint little seaside village�*sighs* Best darn clam chowder I ever had�and such charming people�
Aladdin: IAGO! Get to the point!
Iago: Eeyuh�anyway! That's where I heard about the Orb of Machina. It's the cure-all for genies.
Aladdin: [all-business tone] How do we get it?
Iago: [coy] Well, that's where the danger part comes in�[he bares his wings in a scary pose] you've gotta go into the Cavern of Machina and pass these three insidious obstacles! [crossing his wings matter-of-factly] Of course, no one's ever done it�
Aladdin: You mean no one has yet.
Iago: [unsettled, flaps around Al's head] HELLOOOO?! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CALAMITY! [perching on Al's shoulder] The Cavern of Machina is a safety no-no. [he waggles his finger, er, feather]
Genie: Ahchoo! [a hand appears, that proceeds to slap Genie around] Ooh ooh, ooh ooh, ooh! [the hadn waves buh-bye and flies away�weird.]
Aladdin: [determined] My friend needs help.
Iago: [grabbing Aladdin by the vest, nose to nose] Stop right there. You've got that put-the-bird-in-jeopardy look in your eye!
Aladdin: [pulling back] Iago, you know I'd never ask you to do anything dangerous.
Iago: [surprised] Really? Ow! [Al has just snagged him by the tail, holding him prone, upside-down.]
Aladdin: So I won't ask.
Iago: [still upside-down, wings crossed] I KNEW there was a CATCH!
[Aladdin gets on Carpet, putting Iago on his knee]
Aladdin: [to Jasmine and Abu] Watch over Genie, okay guys?
Jasmine: We will.
Abu: Uh huh! *chatters happily*
[Carpet floats over to Genie]
Aladdin: I'll be back as soon as I can, pal. Hang in there.
Genie: Thanks, Al. I�I�I! AHCHAH! [scissors appear over Genie's head and snip off his topknot, which lands in his hand] [huskily] I�appreciate it. [he fingers his chopped hairdo.]
Aladdin: Okay, Carpet�let's go! [they fly off into the clouds, Jas waves goodbye, Al waves back, yadda yadda.]
Jasmine: [walks over to Genie] Is there anything we can get you?
Genie: *sighs* [looks up from the sad chopped hair in his hand] Some of my mom's chicken soup?
[Up in the clouds, Iago n' Aladdin are flying along at a brisk pace on Carpet.]
Aladdin: Are you SURE we're heading the right way?
Iago: TRUST me, [hand to chest] I'm part homing pigeon.
Aladdin: And part stool pigeon. Huh. You're more pigeon than parrot! [flashes his crowd-winning smile]
Iago: [to himself] He drags me into spine-mangling peril, THEN mocks my lineage, what a pal�*gasp* LOOK! [he points]
[Up in the distance there is a twisted rock spiral of an island surrounded by pointy crags. Atop this spire-island is a rock skull leading into a cavern.]
Iago:The Island of Machina! Told you so�
[They land atop the spire, at the mouth of the cavern. Aladdin steps off Carpet, with Iago quivering in fear behind his shoulder.]
Aladdin: So�the orb is in there? [hand to his forehead, peering in]
Iago: Yeh. [wraps his wings around Al's neck] But let me remind you of the three great obstacles of Machina.
Aladdin: [pries Iago off and puts him on his arm] I remember. �What happens if we�fail?
Iago: [flaps in the air, slaps his forehead] What do you think happens? A warm handshake and a hearty fare-thee-well? [nose to nose with Al] NO! IT'S WHAM! [he punches his hand, and grabs Al's vest, nose to nose again] AND WE'RE MUSHING PASTE!
Aladdin: Mushing�paste?
Iago: [with one wing on the vest, rappelling down Al's pecs] Not unlike hummus.
Aladdin: [shoving Iago back on his shoulder] We DON'T have any choice. Genie's depending on us to get that orb!
[They venture into the cavern and look around wary, Carpet taking the lead. It's dark, spooky, and littered with random rocky formations and a bat or two.]
Iago: [as they pass through a corridor filled with giant cobwebs] Ewww! I hate spiderwebs. I hate spiders! So many legs! WHAT'S WRONG WITH JUST TWO LEGS?! [they both shove aside some more spiderwebs]
Aladdin: Easy, Iago, we're barely inside.
[They keep walking for a while, and then Carpet flies ahead, past a set of stairs, to a large open room filled with round columns, like a stadium, and a massive doorway.]
Aladdin: Wow.
[Pause.]
Aladdin: Well, I don't see any obstacles.
???: HRAAAAAAH!
[Aladdin gulps and glances at the thudding, approaching whatever-it-is. Iago hides behind Al's head, completely spastic.]
???: [A shadow fills the doorway] Who dares disturb the slumber of Machina?!
Iago: Eeeeh, I'm goin' out on a limb here, but, I think that just might be an obstacle now.
[Enter Machina through the doorway. He is wearing a Roman toga, Roman sandals, and bracelets. He has a scaly yellow human body, about ten stories tall, topped with a crocodile's head with shiny glass-blue eyes. He roars, and thuds into the room, closing in on Aladdin, Carpet, and Iago.]
Machina: HrrrraAAAAAAH!
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
Iago: [terrified] Perfect. We're gonna get pureed before we even get off the welcome mat.
Aladdin: [hopping on Carpet] Let's get outta here!
[Machina reaches out to pinch Aladdin between his fingers, but Carpet zips off.]
Machina: HRRRAAAAH!
[He roars, and slams a fist on a rock, causing a tremor that shakes rock loose from the ceiling. Carpet flies through the raining rocks for the most part�]
Aladdin: WhoaoaOAAAAAH!
Iago: AAAA!
[But then gets hit, sending Aladdin to land on his butt on the ground, Iago in his arms. Carpet is boulder-pinned.]
Aladdin: Oof!
[Machina, towering above, approaches them and grabs them up, holding them out on his palm in the air.]
Machina: Who are you who seek the Orb of Machina?!
Aladdin: [standing up, tough] I�am Aladdin! And this�is-
Iago: [clasps a hand over Al's mouth] BOB! Hi, I'm BOB, the jolly parrot! HO HO HO! *takes a deep breath and turns to Aladdin, using his talking-to-idiots voice* How many times do I have to tell you never EVER give my real name to giant crocodile-headed monsters? [Both smile big and turn back to Machina.]
Machina: ALADDIN�and�Bob the jolly parrot�QUIVER IN FEAR before the first great obstacle of MACHINA! [he sets them back on the ground]
Iago: [on Al's shoulder] We're quivering! We're quivering!
Machina: The first obstacle is�*cracks knuckles* a physical task.
[There is a small pause. Aladdin leans forward with a "go on" look on his face.]
Machina: You must stick out your tongue�and touch�YOUR FOREHEAD! [rears back laughing huskily] AH HA HA HA HA HA!
Aladdin: THAT'S the obstacle?! [hand to his chin, "it can't be this easy"]
Iago: What are we, aardvarks all of a sudden? [hands clasped, begging] IT CAN'T BE DONE! Oh, I'm dead! I'm a bucket of extra crispy!
Aladdin: [arms crossed] Uh, what kind of obstacle is that?
Machina: I'll have you knoooow, [leaning down] there's a long tradition of problem-solving obstacles among immortals!
Aladdin: [in HIS talking-to-idiots voice] Right.
Machina: For example�the Sphinx! [waves his hand] And all he had was one riddle�I have [he barks, with a "so there" stance] THREE GREAT OBSTACLES!
Aladdin: *sighs* I was expecting something a little more�[shrugs] dangerous! Like-like fighting a dragon or something! [Iago is not pleased with this idea]
Machina: Oh, dragons, how creative. [he gestures sarcastically, sweeping his hands around, turning his back and crossing his arms.] There's something new. Like you don't find them guarding every old treasure! [he turns back around] Don't worry. If you fail my test, [he leans down to Aladdin's level and pounds the floor with a big fist, using an eeeeevil voice] you'll be just as DEAD! [Aladdin falls down from the quake, and Iago flies off somewhere] [M. stands up again] So Aladdin�can you do it? Can you stick out your tongue and touch your forehead?
Aladdin: Sure. [he sticks out his tongue, and voila! Touches his forehead]
Machina: Oh![smacking his face, wincing] �Okay�fine! [points down the hall] Nnnnnn, you may proceed to the next obstacle! Go on! Go on! Don't stand about gawking! [turns his back] *evil voice* I'm a busy monster.
[Iago, busy gawking, shrugs, and sits on Aladdin's leg, who now sits on Carpet and lazily floats down the hall. Meanwhile, shift to Genie, in a palace room, shivering, his feet in hot water, Jas putting a blanket around him, Abu just sitting on a cushion, skittish.]
Genie: *shivers* Ah�ah�AH![Jas covers Abu] [G. manages to hold it back] Aaaaah. [his nose scrunches�it's come back with a vengeance!] *gulps*
[Jasmine and Abu trade worried looks.]
Abu: Oh.
Genie: Ahchoo! [Jas turns into a tree.] Ahchoo! [and a koala bear] Ahchoo! [and a big carrot] Ahchoo! [and the Mona Lisa] Ahchoo! [and back to normal.]
Genie: Aaaah-[Abu puts his hand over Genie's mouth]
Jasmine: Genie! Cover your mouth!
Genie: [covers his mouth, this does not improve things much] [muffled] Ahchoo! [G. turns into a pig] Ahchoo! [and a block of cheese] Ahchoo! [and a vacuum cleaner] [After that, the camera cuts to a wincing Jasmine and a very stunned Abu. One can only guess what slide show Genie's performing] Ahchoo! MEOW! Ahchoo! Ahchoo! Baaaaa! Baaaaa! Ahchoo! Ahchoo! Ahchoo!
[Meanwhile, back at the cavern, Aladdin walks into a large room, followed by Iago, perched on Carpet. The room is coated in spiderwebs and there are three baskets in the center of the chamber.]
Aladdin: [completely unworried] Look, the first obstacle was easy!
Iago: I don't care. [does the loopy signal] This guy is about eight oranges short of a basket! He could snap [he does a snapping motion with his wings] at any second. Watch your back.
Machina: Tremble in dread, mortal!
Iago: [petrified] AAA! [he flies up in the air off Carpet, throws his wings around Al's neck, looking straight up. Aladdin notices a bit later.]
[Machina is now a large yellow glass-blue eyed spider with a jagged jaw and a red hourglass on his ginormous abdomen, lowering from the ceiling before them. Ginormous is SO a word�]
Machina: You have reached the second great obstacle of Machina!
Aladdin: Machina? [for a moment we see Aladdin through a dark black room with two crescent shaped windows. Hmm.] Is that you?
Machina: Machina has many faces. His glory cannot be contained in any one form.
[Iago and Aladdin trade "he be a nutjob" looks while Machina monologues.]
Machina: *clears throat* He is the sky, the moon, and the stars! He is the wind! He�[poking Aladdin] you understand that when I say he I mean me, right? It's something we immortals do. [Iago is so scared of the spider leg that he practically levitates] *evil voice* Now�[scuttling over to the baskets]are you ready to face the second great obstacle, Aladdin? [he raises a large scabbard over his head] Ah HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA! [Aladdin politely grins, while trying not to freak.] Ahrrrm. Ahem. Oh dear. Hrhrm. [He calms down, then hides the scabbard under a basket, switching them around quickly] Okay, step on up! Step on up and find the knife!
Iago: [completely bonkers, perched on Carpet] COULDN'T WE JUST PLAY CRAZY EIGHTS?!
Machina: Ah [scratching his head]�no.
Aladdin: [whispering] Calm down, Iago, we've got a one-in-three chance! [Iago flaps frantically]
Machina: [teasing] You don't knooooow! Why don't you just admit it?
[Aladdin sees Machina's shadow on the wall. He has the sword behind his back, er, thorax? Hmph. Cheater.]
Aladdin: [whispering to Iago] Okay. It's under the *whisper, whisper* [he turns back to Machina with a big smile] It's simple.
[Machina raises a suspicious eyebrow.]
Aladdin: It must be under the middle one! [he leans against the middle basket.]
Machina: Ah ha ha ha ha! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
Aladdin: Well, if it's not under either of those [Iago and Carpet pull up the other two baskets]�then it MUST be under the middle one!
[There is an odd pause. Machina has a stupid expression on his face, you can almost hear the rusty gears turning up north]
Machina: Did I say wrong? I meant�RIGHT! Ah, yes, right, right, right. [A boulder rolls away, revealing a new corridor] Proceed to the third and final great obstacle of Machina! And don't touch the walls, [he scuttles away] the painters were just here.
Aladdin: Oooh, the third and final obstacle! [he puts his hands to his cheeks, fake worried] I am SO scared�
Machina: [turns and comes back for Aladdin, hanging him by his vest from one long leg] You DARE speak thus? You want a harder riddle? I'll give you one. And when you FAIL�I shall REND you LIMB FROM LIMB! [Aladdin smiles a "don't kill me" grin and Machina drops him, scuttling away.]
Iago: [to Aladdin, who is just pulling his face out of the dirt] Would you like some salt with your foot?
[Back at the palace, we see Genie's room filled with junk. A plane, a hay shack, a machinery crane, and a mooing cow.]
Genie: YaaaaaahCHOO!
[And a piano! With a spinning paperreader that Abu is caught in, spinning around and around and around�]
Abu: *screams* Whoawhoawhoa!
Genie: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Abu: *continues screaming*
[Jasmine reaches inside the piano and fishes Abu out.]
Jasmine: Are you okay, Abu?
Abu: Uuuuuh-huuuuhh-aaaaah�[rubs his head]
Genie: Ah-ah-!
Abu: *screams* [jumps back in the piano]
Genie: AHCHOO! [he tries to sneeze in a paper bag, but the magic goes through the bag to coil around Jas' neck, becoming a green snake.]
Jasmine: Ah!
Abu: *barks surprised twice*
[Jasmine throws the snake off, and it slithers away.]
Genie: Aw, I'm sorry, Jas.
Jasmine: [reassuring him] It's not your fault, Genie. It just startled me.
Genie: No�it IS my fault�this cold is putting you all in danger!
Jasmine: Welllll�you HAVE sneezed up a few�problems�
[A seal with a basketball on its nose passes by, barking. Jasmine smiles and Genie shrugs.]
Genie: Ah�ah�ah�AAAAAHHHHHCHOOOO! [Jasmine ducks the gust]
Jasmine: [looks around, shrugs] Nothing happened.
Genie: [sitting on the piano stool] Oh. Must've been a dud.
[In the corner, the green snake becomes a serpent, then a bigger serpent, then a BIG serpent, and slithers forward.]
Jasmine: Or maybe you're getting better! See, we'll get through this.
Abu: Ooooooh�[The serpent looms above him]*screams in surprise* [gets in the piano and slams the lid]
Genie: [notices just in time, shielding Jasmine as the serpent breathes fire] STAND BACK, JAS! I can handle a fire-breathing serpent! [his nose twitches] Ahhh�WAAAAAAAAHCHOO!
[The serpent's head splits in half, forming two heads.]
Genie: But a two-headed fire-breathing serpent�that's another matter.
[The serpent breathes a torrent of flame that fills the screen.]
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[Aladdin, Iago, and Carpet are in a long hall rimmed with archways, waiting for a yellow, glass blue-eyed griffin to land at their feet.]
Machina: You who mock the great obstacles must now answer the great riddle of MACHINA! These obstacles, you must admit, are as tough as rocks and rubble. [Aladdin and Iago shrug and endure the poem] What simple thing, if you'd done it, would've saved you all this trouble?
Aladdin: [thinking] Simple thing, simple thing, simple thing�
Iago: Ah, a flame thrower! Uh, lotsa money! [flapping off Al's houlder] Calling ahead for a reservation!
Machina: [chuckling] You�don't know! [his wings give off steam and the cavern shakes] Heh heh heh! *laughs maniacally for a long period of time* [The archways crack, stalactites shatter, and a piece of the roof lands right in front of Al, leaving a crater]
Iago: AAA!
Machina: Answer now or perish! What. Simple. Thing? Would have saved you�all�this�trouble?
[There is a beat. Iago is chattering, clutching Al's mouth. He lets go for a moment, and taps him on the shoulder.]
Iago: Ah, if this is a dramatic pause, it's gone too far. [grabbing Al's cheeks, full on shout mode] ANSWER THE MAN! [he flutters off to hide under Carpet]
Aladdin: Uh�we should've just stayed home!
Machina: How�did you know? [Carpet raises up, Iago still under him] "We should have stayed home"? *takes a deep breath, half crying* That's exactly right! Ten thousand years and nobody guesses it�
Aladdin: Whew! [he sinks to the floor, back to back with an equally relieved Carpet, and a VERY relieved Iago.]
Machina: What'd you just�COUGH up the right answer? [Al, on the ground, shrugs] "We should have stayed home"? [half-laughing, half-crying] D'oh ho ho ho ho! [Al looks at Iago "What's the big deal?"] Hrmph! WHAT ARE YOU, A PHILOSOPHER?! Somebody slip you my answers?
[The griffin rears up, very mechanically creaking, paws retracted, and a door opens in his chest. A rope rolls down from the door, and rappelling down the rope comes a small blue scarab beetle with a long mustache. The name Machina suddenly makes sense.]
Machina: [walking towards a surprised Aladdin] Yes, I'm Machina. Yes, I'm a bug. Go ahead with the jokes, I've heard them all. "How's the weather down there?" "What's bugging you?" [Iago does the loopy signal] Oh yeah, that was funny. ABOUT THE FIRST FIVE HUNDRED TIMES I HEARD IT!
[Machina yanks the line, and a pink orb falls from the door. He runs around to catch it and SPLAT! It lands on him. Aladdin winces.]
Machina: [a little squashed, but okay] Okay�[rolling the orb to Aladdin] here's your orb, Mr�[pants, stops rolling] Answer-the-riddle-nobody-else-could-in-ten-thousand-years!
[Aladdin holds up the orb triumphantly, and Iago flaps over to his shoulder.]
Machina: [peeved] Now take a hike�[makes a hitchhike motion]
Aladdin: C'mon�we gotta hurry. [He hops on Carpet and leaves, Iago flying behind]
Machina: *indignant sniff* [stomps off] Do I get a thank you? Oh noooooo [he pulls a lever on the wall]�ingrate.
[A door opens in the wall behind Machina and he storms into a warehouse stacked with hundreds of pink orbs. One rolls on top of him. He squiggles out from under it and dusts it, rolling it away�to some empty shelf, I'm sure.]
Machina: Psh. Criminy, at this rate it'll take me a million years to get ridda these things�
[Back at the palace, we see fiery explosions going off from outside. Jas rushes out, followed by Abu and Genie, who is taking all the fire damage from the beastie.]
Jasmine: AAAAA! AAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAA!
[The serpent loses track of them for a minute, and pauses beneath a tree. It gets bonked on the heads by two coconuts, Looking up, it sees Abu, waving hello from the treetops. Abu swings down on a vine, directly between the two heads, which growl at him. He blows raspberries at both, and they inhale a fiery breath.]
Abu: [chatters, waving goodbye, and drops from the vine.]
[The heads blast fire at where he just was at the same time and hit each other. Charred black, they have two seconds to look stunned before exploding into little glittery sparks. Abu runs to Jasmine. She scoops him up, and Genie slinks away, sad.]
Jasmine: You did it, Abu! You are so brave. You are the smartest, bravest monkey ever!
Abu: Ooooooh. *chatters with an "aw, shucks" expression*
Jasmine: [setting Abu down] Father will probably want to give you a medal.
[Abu bats his eyes, pointing to himself. "Who, me?"]
Aladdin: [flying in on carpet] We got it! We got the orb!
Jasmine: Genie! We can cure you now! Genie?
Aladdin: Where'd he go?
Jasmine: Look. [she picks up an ornate scroll off the ground. We hear Genie's voice as they all read the message.]
Genie: Myyyy faithful companions�I have gone someplace where I cannot hurt you anymore. Pleeeaaaase don't try to find me. [We see the scroll. There are no words, just Genie's mouth, yapping away. Ha. Ha. Ha.] You are the greatest friends ever. Love, Genie. P.S. Iago can have my golf clubs.
Iago: [pumping his fists] Pebble Beach, here I come!
Abu: Hmph! ["How dare you say such a thing!"]
Iago: Ah, I mean�[hand to his forehead] how tragic�
Aladdin: No! [wrenching Iago off his arm] We can't give up! C'mon, Carpet! [Carpet comes.]
Jasmine: But we don't even know where to begin. He could be anywhere.
Aladdin: [pulling Jasmine onto Carpet] Then we'll just have to look everywhere.
[They fly through the desert for a brief moment�]
Genie: AAAAAAHCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[A blue Hiroshima mushroom explosion is seen in the dunes]
Iago: [off-screen] I think it'll be easier than that�
Jasmine: There he is! [points]
[Genie is sitting, lonely, atop a very big pile of junk.]
Genie: Ahchoo! [a phonograph rolls down the pile] Ahchoo! Ahchoo! Ahchoo! [A tire bounces down]
Aladdin: [calling up] Genie! We got the orb! We can cure you!
Genie: That's great, Al! I'm SAVED! [zooming in slowly to Genie's mouth] Aychee, Ah-Ah-AAAAAHHCHOO! [An Al-Muddi appears] AAAAHCHOO! [A Cyclops appears] AHHHCHOOOOO! [And a red and black mechanical beetle appears too.]
Mechanical Beetle: *squeak, rumble, growl*
[Genie peeks through his fingers at what he just did, and grimaces.]
Al-Muddi: Rrrrrrr? [looks at Genie]
Cyclops: Ggggrrrrrrah�[also looks at Genie]
Genie: Hee hee�[waving hello, worried] Uh, nice to see old friends.
[The Al-Muddi notices the gang flying towards Genie and flicks a mud clod at them. It hits Carpet, who tumbles. Everyone falls to the ground.]
Jasmine: Ah!
Abu: Ow!
Aladdin: Oof!
[Aladdin collects himself. He sees an all-but-unconscious Iago raise up the orb with one talon, passed out. Aladdin grabs it.]
Aladdin: Genie! The orb!
[Standing in Al's path is that very big rhinoceros beetle.]
Beetle: *clank, roooooar*
Genie: [sliding down the junk heap] Al! Whoa! [he is pants-plucked by the Cyclops]
Cyclops: Hiiiiiiiiii. Yeeeeeeeah. [Genie waves hi back.]
Beetle: ROOOOOOAAAR!
[The beetle snaps its mechanical jaw, but Aladdin just runs underneath it, coming out to face an Al-Muddi.]
Aladdin: Whoa, boy.
Al-muddi: *snuffle, random squishing noises*
[The Al-Muddi slams a fist down on Aladdin, misses, grins a messy grin. Aladdin, on his stomach, looks up to see the cyclops swinging Genie like a pendulum between two rocks. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonkbonkbonk.]
Aladdin: Yah!
[Aladdin runs from another Al-Muddi hand, right into the beetle's horn. It lifts him high off the ground, by his vest. The Cyclops is still holding Genie by his pants, in the air, and he punches a finger in Genie's mouth.]
Genie: Ow. [His teeth fall out.]
[Aladdin glances at the orb, then smiles, enlightened. The cyclops hurtles Genie through the air, bored.]
Aladdin: Genie! Open your mouth! [throws the orb]
Genie: [plummeting through the air] WHYYYYY?! [he swallows it] Oof!
[The orb catches in Genie's tail. He swirls around a couple times, gets sucked into his tail, and pops out, completely cured.]
Genie: I'M BAAAAAACK! [he towers over the monsters, and turns into a fairy godmother, tapping each with his wand.] Goodbye, goodbye, and goodbye.
[The Al-Muddi melts into mud, the cyclops swirls around and pops into nothing, and the beetle shrinks until Aladdin slides off his horn and Genie swats him with a flyswatter. All run into the cleared area, and Genie takes a little bow. He then vanishes and reappears in a bear hug around the gang.]
Genie: I'M CURED!
Iago: [flapping out of the hug] Yaaaah! Get away! Ya might be contagious!
Genie: Nnnnnnot a chance! [he zips off into the air, flying around] I am a 100% double A-OK [he flexes pecs for a moment] picture of health! I couldn't feel bettah!
Jasmine: [sweetly] I'm so happy for you.
Aladdin: [grovelly, tired voice] *sniff* Yeah, Genie�me too.
Genie: [stops flying for a moment, concerned] Al, are you okay?
Aladdin: [grovelly] Yeah. I'm just�ah-ahchoo!
Genie: Al! You've-you've caught a cold! *tsks* [disappears, reappears on the other side as a large-hipped nurse] And NO WONDER! Wandering around that DRAFTY Cavern of Machina [he throws a blanket around Al]�without a SHIRT, [stuffs a thermometer in Aladdin's mouth] oh, you kids'll be the death of me! [and puts a hot water bottle on his head. Aladdin looks confused at the camera, and�]
THE END
This was a pretty cute episode. Machina alone, it was extremely funny. And when Dan Castanella is extremely subdued and not impersonating people, and Gilbert Gottfried is in full-on OMG mode, that helps the humor too. Being the cartoon critic I am, and kid's cartoon I can stomach is a plus by me. : Oh, and, another fun fact�I had a terrible viral throat infection when writing this. Poor wittle me. *hack, wheeze, blech*