Untitled
Silently, a tear falls down my cheek. I wonder at it, waking at the feel of something so cool and cruel. My eyes flitter open, and close again, the salt burning at the rims of my sleep eroded eyes.
Laughter comes and goes in bursts in the background. A television, or perhaps a humorist on the street, gleefully announcing his coming. Shaking the remnents of what was illusion out of my head, I push a listless body up, realizing that the heavy limbs are my own.
A sigh, that I swear is not my own, escapes my lips. My eyes, sleeply taking in my apartment, graces over the meek belongings that are to represent someone living here. Only, there doesn't feel to be anyone living here... in my body. Or maybe there is someone living in my body, but it is not me.
I have been gone a long time. Watching from the outskirts, as my body goes through life. I seem normal enough. I eat, I sleep. I work. I work. Everyday. There is never an end.
Tripping, I set off to the bathroom. The light overhead is a pale green florisant bulb. It shimmers, offering a reflection showing all my imperfections. Or rather, all my experiences that have weather-worn my face. A shaky hand reaches up, stroking absent-mindedly at the face, feeling the clamy skin underneath yearn for the caress.
My eyes, a little too large, stare back at me. Empty, but for the force to go on. Four white walls surround me, offering no solace, but rather a prison of sorts. My hair, once a gleaming beauty, now dully hangs around my shoulders. Everyday, seeing the glisten leave my hair, the scissors on the sink look more appealing. Just a snip, and then another, and the hair would be gone. One less thing to worry about.
Instead, I turn around, and leave the room. I step on a cold, fake wood floor, and wander into the living room. Living room... isn't that a funny name? I suppose it is a room we should live in, but all I see is a room that sucks away life. Day after day, year after year, humans sit in their [i]living[/i] room, letting their life be sucked away by commercials that promise to give them riches, or improve their health.
A small, sadistic chuckle pushes up my throat, and fills the air with density. All around me is silence, and it pushes down on my mind as if someone put a vice grip around my temples. It takes an effort, but I manage not to start laughing insanely. A few deep breaths later, and I leave the desolute room in search of my kitchen.
Even in there, nothing repairs my mood. A refrigerator, barely holding food. Not even enough for myself. Not that I need any food to entertain, as no one ever visits me. My bleak world is my own, and no one has ever even attempted to break inside of it. No one has tried, and I suppose I have not invited anyone in. But why should I? No one asks... no one seems interested.
So I meander back to the bedroom. I pull on clothing, not noting if they are really clean. Jeans, a shirt, shoes without socks. A quick rubber band throngs my hair back at the base of my skull, weighing down on my back. Car keys. A few dollars. Out my door I slip.
The hallway of the complex is dark. The lights have long since broken, helping to hide my little cubby hole of the universe. Spray paint colors the walls in a few spots... old words and designs that the owners felt were too colorful to ever fix. Down the stairs, careful to miss the third step, which is lose and dangerous. A flash of myself falling through fills my head, showing how it would take that little to make me noticed.
Instead, I step over it, not able to will myself to that level of desperation. I step out the door, and the sky overhead is gray, meeting my mood with its usual exuberance. Through the parking lot I stumble, not paying attention to if anyone is driving, though I should. My car, the beat up tuna can of a car, sits loyally waiting for me. The only loyal thing in my life, and even it breaks down on me. So much like me, that car is. It is my friend.
The door squeals as I open it, protesting and exclaiming at the same time as we are re-united. A few minutes later, it chugs down the street, purring to me even as it sounds sick to others. It is my car, and I care for it. I head away from the city. Any place but work my destination.
Tempted to close my eyes and just go, I smile mirthlessly as I realize that may not be a good idea. The headlines would read 'Strange crazy woman runs over 20'. No, it is not their time to die, I must pay attention.
I let my mind drive, not really watching... just like my life. I'm there, but I'm not.
I drive for what feels like hours, but truly is just at an hour. I've turned, and stopped, gone straight and got lost. I know not where I am, but I don't care. The sky has started to clear, and spots of blue are intermingled with the gray. Up ahead, I see some trees, and I pull off the road.
I sit for a few minutes in my car. Unable to move, or perhaps just plain scared. I don't know where I'm going, or why I've stopped. I just know it [i]feels[/i] here. It feels something. I'm not sure what the emotion is. I haven't had emotions for so long. I've been so alone.
My car offers complains as I leave it. It breaks the silence around it with a squeal. Only, there is not silence. There are sounds, unusual sounds, all permeating the air here. Something chirping. A bird? Something singing... a rivulette maybe? I must find out.
My body moves on its own accord. I simply go with it, watching from stranger's eyes as we move through the trees. Something green bouces out of my way. A frog? I can't seem to remember. Shade and sunlight mix through the canopy over my head. A fallen log seems to be alive, as a family of insects travels along it. And still, I hear the singing.
Faster and faster, until I'm sure if I don't control my body, I'll fall. My legs pump, pushing me forward. Nothing will stop them in their quest. I'm not sure what I will find, but a little child in my rejoices as if being re-united with her mother.
I almost expect to find a woman, bare and brazen, singing in the forest. That thought gives my mind pause, but my body continues in hot pursuit. North, west. Over the log, and under the brush. I travel on.
Ahead of me is a river. Or a stream. I know instinctivly that it is not large enough to be a river. But it is hidden. Just like me. I'm not sure if anyone knows of its existence, but me. Suddenly, it fills me as surely as the air in my lungs.
I find myself sitting next to it, my left hand lazing over a stone in the water. Blue and white tendrils of color float down the stream; the sun reflecting off of it until it looks like a magnificant sunset. I still hear the singing. The water is singing, but there is more.
Inside, I feel my mind coming out of its trance like state. There is someone in there... telling me they love me. Years of pain seem to roll off me, as I hear the whisperings so true.
Love, hope, and eagerness fill me to bursting. I close my eyes, and images, colors fill my head. Someone is teaching me. All I know is that it is a man and woman, and they want me to realize that I've come home.
Home. That is a word I have not used in a long time.
They tell me secrets, and urge me to sing with them. Next thing I know, I have my voice ringing out in a secret song, one that only I know. My eyes burst open, seeing what life is for the first time in a very, very long time.
I am home.
It feels like a dream, but finally, I have found it. The place I should be. My mother and father have called for me, and for so long I didn't hear that call. My mind had been shut off in the city, not hearing nature. I am just glad that it is not too late.
Standing, I feel again. Emotions seep through my pores, as I have found my home.
