letters

Dear Hunter, Dec,2002

Hello sweet baby! It has been 14 months since you left us. Hope your 1st Christmas was nice.

After you went to heaven we moved to Chelsea. That is where we spent our first Christmas without you. This past spring we moved back to Sand Springs. We are going to have everyone at our house this Christmas. It will be nice.

After you went to heaven I did a lot of research. Cause I have to be honest I did not even know what Sids was. Even though I put you on your back and no one was allowed to smoke around you I know your dad and I did our best to protect you. So far with my research I have 5, 3 inch binders. I read then quite often. That is one of the best things I did.

Even though I put you on your back I never thought you would leave us. I guess I took your life for granted.

Your dad and I often wonder what you would look like. Would you have blonde hair like Dominic or brown like Kyler. Would you have big blue eyes like Dominic or Big brown eyes like Kyler. Would you have my attitude or your dad's. I can't wait to see you again.

I hope you got them 53 balloons we sent you on your first birthday. That was one for every day you were with us. We got your head stone set one year from the date we buried you. It is really nice.

Dominic just had his 8th birthday and Kyler he had his 4th one in June.

I just found a lot of peace when doing my research and writing in my journal. Tulsa had it first Sids stroll. It was really nice.

People tell me that I am an inspiration to them or that they admire me for how I have handled losing you. I dont understand what they mean; I mean what am I supposed to be like. Yes, I lost my son and it was the hardest thing I ever have been through. Even though I thought having a son at 15 was hard. It was just prepareing me for this. One of the hardest questions I had to face is why would god take my son when I have a good job, married, and on my own. But again he was preparing me for this. One thing I can say it has made me a stronger and better person, and I will never take life for granted.

Hunter I think god for the 7 weeks I got to spend night and day together. I could not have asked for it to be any different.

I did not understand why the doctor would not let me have my tubes tied in the hospital and at 4 week post he still would not then at 7 weeks I was scheduled to have them tied the day after you passed away. I did not go through with it thanks goodness.

Hunter I could never replace you and will never try. If it were not for you I would not be this strong. Even though there are day I feel I am at my weakest I know there is those sweet memories that will make me smile.

I never understood why people say your father and I would grieve differently. Boy we do and probally always will.

Hunter I make a vowel to you, I will do my best to raise Sids awareness and to teach others about Sids. But baby, Sids is something people dont want to talk about or hear about. When I hear on the radio that they are doing a cancer tele thon I wonder why doesn't someone do a Sids telethon. Hunter some day I hope there will be a stop to Sids and it will not be the #1 killer of our babies.

I took your room down on your first birthday, I began to wonder about losing your smell. I am going for now and I hope you have a good 2nd Christmas in heaven.

Love,
Momma