Bob Nelson's Football Routine

This routine was originally presented on one of Rodney Dangerfield's HBO specials.

[enter Bob Nelson]

How you doin' babe, whats your sign?

I'm Feces.

My friends call me number 2.

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my entire life.

[Looking at woman in audience] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that, I don't know you very well, that was very forward of me, I'm very drunk, you could be ugly, I can't tell.

[spills water nown his shirt] Oh, I'm sorry, I must be full.

****The football routine****

[does some visual things with balloons in his shirt and referring to his girlfriend. The balloons are now in his shoulders looking like shoulder pads.]

An now, lets meet the players of the college all star game!

Billy bob Brubeck, University of Texas, [sniffs armpit] Right Guard

[helmet on sidways, and hits the microphone] Tom

Robert W. Wilson, Harvard University, Quarterback, ..High Muffy.

Number 72, ...Oh shit, 27

Ugh, Tony Capachino, Brooklin University, and [rips strap off helmet] Oh fuck.

Bruce Koscioski, San Fransisco University, Tight end, but next year I hope to be a wide receaver.

Hello, Football is my life, I loves football, you can be playing football on the football field, with a football. But when I plays football, I make sure that I always wear protective gear. Such as, [points to his shoulders] my helmet, [points to his head] and dem shouldama pads. Don't ever go on the field without these things on, because you could get seriously killed. I myself, when I was a little children. I was playin' football with my friends, and my head would accidently rip from my body. No, and them my head was layin' in the mud! And my body would run around tacklin' shit like this [arms stretch out]. Finally one of my friends put my head back on my body, and the doctor said that I had dame bramage. But my friends don't know what the fuck that shit is! Anyway, the most important piece of equipment is called the cup. Now it ain't no Dixy cup, and it ain't no coffee mug. And you sertainly don't want to be drinkin' nufin out of it. Its a piece of cup you wear right there, and thens you can't get hurt. Look [punches his groin several times]. Ain't no way you can get hurt when you're wearing your cup. Now, I ain't got my cup on, and I can't see shit right now, and my testicals are cought in my shoulama pads.

But I am not here to talk to you about my testicals, I am here to talk to you about the United Way. The United Way is the best candy bar you can buy. Milky way, Milky way. United. No.. You can fly anywhere in the United states for $175 dollars on round trip.. no.thats United Kingdom..Oh, Mutual Ohmaha, United Kingdom will fly you to the Milky Way for half price. You see, I don't really know what the United way is. The producer said do the commercial real quick, I said I don't know what it is. So ugh. But I do know what the Umisef is. Umisef is a halloween disease with the Milk container card and kids come around and trick treat for Umisef. No..Seriously, you people probly don't know,.. No listen to me man. You people probly don't know what Umisef is, I do, I've seen them,... It look like a Umicorn, but it ain't know umicorn, it's a umisef, it's a man with a willie johnson stickin' out of the top of his head like this [motion of a willie johnson sticking out of his head], I'm serious man, this is where the terms dickface and pisshead comes from. And they need your money, they need your money desperately, to buy hats. So give to umisef. Or you could give to the united negro college fund, because the mind is a terrible thing, and it must be stopped in our lifetime before it kills somebody. You know I been playin' football all my life. If it were not for football, I would not be playin' football today.

This has been an anouncement from the MFL, the mother f.. No! the NFL, the National Football League. Thank you berry much.

***Credit where Credit is due***

This transcript was copied from "9th Annual young Comedian's Special"

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