Bob Nelson's Boxing Routine

This is a balloon, I'm gonna blow it up

(Stretches a balloon)

This gets the balloon ready.

If you've ever seen anybody blow up a balloon, this gets it ready.

And it gets me excited, so I do it.

No, no, i'm only kidding, i'm only kidding.

I don't know why I said that.

It does not get the balloon ready. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

(Smacks himself in the face with the balloon)

You know what's really weird?

New Yorkers are the only ones that laugh at that.

Just New Yorkers. Down south they don't think its funny.

Down south it's like

(With a bad southern accent) "Holy geez, what the hells wrong with you boy?

That's not funny. Snappin' the balloon in your face like that. That's dumn.

Come on every body, lets get outa here. That boys crazy. Gonna hurt himself like that."

New York, whole different story. Its like

(With a bad New York accent) "Holy shit, he almost took his eye out.

Ya know somethin'? I haven't laughed this hard since I saw that fat guy slip on

the ice outside. Hey Tony, Tony, Tony remember when the fat guy slipped on the

ice outside? That was hysterical. Wasn't it? Remember that when his feet went from

under 'em. BOOM, right on his ass. Remember that shit? He was screamin'

'Help me up, help me up.' I can't fuckin' help him up, I'm laughin' too

fuckin' hard. Remember that? You where there, that was funny shit. Wasn't it."

How about this one?

When you go to the mall. They start closing the mall. They put those glass doors up.

People don't see them. It's like.

(Arms frailing, funny face) "Hey, this place is still open!"

(Bumps into the glass) BOOM.

What do we do? Are you O.K.?

(New York Accent) No! We go, "Your an asshole. Did you see that guy?

Ran right into the glass door.

He didn't see it. Funniest thing I ever saw.

I'm walkin' through the mall with my wife and kids right? Where walkin' down the mall.

Their puttin' up the glass doors. Their closin' the fuckin' mall all right?

This guy doesn't see the doors are up.

He's runnin' from the other end of the mall. He's goin' right for the glass.

My wife says 'Oh my God, you better tell him he's gonna hit the glass."

I said SHUT THE FUCK UUUPPP.

All of a sudden, he runs into the glass. It was funny.

BOOM, he hit it. Right off the.. His face looked like rubber.

I swear! It was like three times his head bounced off like.

Ba ba ba BOOM. He's bleedin' and he's layin' on the ground. He's cryin'.

I'm laughin' my ass off. I couldn't help it. But I did, I called an ambulance.

I had to. I couldn't breath. I thought I was gonna pass out."

****Boxing Routine****

(He makes the sound of an announcer with his back turned)

"If you've ever wanted to become a professional boxer.

Or, just look like one.

Come on down to Jiffy Jeff's Gym in New York city.

And learn how to become a boxer in eight short weeks.

And now, here is the proprietor of Jiffy Jeff's Gym.

Jiffy Jeff himself to give you a few free pointers on how to become a professional fighter."

(Back to audience, boxing with no one)

(Turns around surprised with eyes crossed)

Oh! Duuuugggghhh. Am I on? Am I on camera?

Duuugh, Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, he, duuuggghhh.

Hello, welcome to Jiffy Jeff's Gym.

Duughh, my, duugh.

My name, my name is Jeff!

(Turns like someone just called his name)

Sorry. My name is Jeff, and I am the pra, prap, prapria, pra, pra,

I own the, I own the gym. And ah,

I'm here to give you a few free flee free tips to..

How to professional fight, Become a professional fighter.

How to become a professional fighter.

First of all, let me start off right off the bat

(pretends to swing a baseball bat)

Right off the bat. Let me start off, Ugghh

A lot of training, a lot of training, a lot of training, training,

training, training, train. Every day. Train, training, training.

A lot of training. As a matter of fact, some of the guys take the train from their homes

into the city every day. Which is a lot of training itself as well.

So you have to train to train, train, train.

Get a monthly ticket. Get a monthly ticket if you take the train.

I have a monthly ticket. I don't take the train, but it's such a fuckin'

bargain I bought one anyway. Ya know?

Ok, training, that's one.

Now also, duuuggghh.

You, you need. You, you, you, U, V, L M N O P, Q, S, OH.

You need, you need a duughh

You need a nick, you need a nick, you need a nick, you need a ni nickel.

You need a nickel? I can't get into my pockets.

You need a nickel, nickel, necklace, neglace, Nicholas.

(Pretends to tee up a golf ball like Jack Nicholas) Fore!

You need a nick, a ni no no. A nickname, a nickname, yea that's it.

If you wanna become a fighter a fighter a fighter, fiiiggghhhter.

If you wanna become a fighter, you need a good nickname.

Ok, Jerry Cuter , you ever hear of Jerry Cuter? Duuggghh

He's got a good nickname. They call him gentleman.

They call him gentleman. Gentleman, Gentleman, Gentleman, Gentleman.

START YOUR ENGINES!

They call him gentleman, and ugh do you know why?

Do you know why they call him gentleman?

You know why, you know why, you know why?

I have no fuckin' Idea why.

But, that's a good nickname.

And then there's, ugghh, there's ah Marvelous.

Marvelous Marvin Hagler. Do you know why they call him marvelous?

Because he looks duuugghh GOOD!

I have a nickname.

I have a nickname, they call me Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! What? What? What?

(Looks around like someone is calling his name)

I'm sorry I, I, I thought I heard somebody calling me.

Anyway. They call me Jeff! Jeff! What! What! What the fuck do you want.

Where doin' a commercial over here

(Looks around again as if someone is calling his name)

You're probly lookin' at me saying who, who, who the hell are you

to tell me about the fight game. But, let me tell you right now,

I , I've had, myself, I've had alto, alto training. I've had alto,

Alto? No! ALOT! Alot of training. I'm sorry, I spelt it wrong.

I spelt it wrong. Alto, alot, OK I fucked up.

But anyway, I have had a lot of training.

I was a professional fighter at one time.

I had what? I had what? I had what? I had what? I had what?

What? What? What? What? What? What the fuck do you want?

Oh, I'm talkin' to you, right, I'm doin' a commercial. Right.

I had, believe me, I had six professional fights.

Six professional fights, of which I lost, duuuggghhh.

Eleven.

But, ah. Here's a story. Here's a story.

Here's a funny funny funny fuckin' story.

You wanna hear a story?

I tell you somethin', I, I, I'm, I'm a, aaahhh

I'm in the, I'm in the, I was fightin' with Marvin.

I was sparring. You ever been sparring with somebody?

Sparring match? They pay you very well.

Five dollars a shot, five dollars a shot.

Every time they hit ya, BOOM, five dollars. Ya know?

So, if you get hit ten times, what is that uugghh

Thirty five dollars? I don't know. Anyway.

That's what happened. So I was sparring with this guy.

I was sparring with, I was sparring with Marvin, Haggler,

No, Marvin, Haggler, Marvin, Haggler, Marvin.

One of those fuckin' guys. It doesn't matter.

They fight the same way. Well maybe ones a lefty, ones a righty,

ones a south pole and west pole. I don't know, anyway.

I'm in the ring. I'm in the ring with this guy.

I'm in the ring. Right? I'm in the ring. I'm in the ring.

I'm in the ring. I'm in the ring.

ANSWER THE FUCKIN' PHONE WILL YA!!!

Come on, i'm doin' a commercial.

Anyway. I'm in the ring with Haggler. Right?

And he's he's he's he's hittin' me, he's hittin' me,

he's hittin' me, he's hittin' me, he's hittin' me, he's hittin' me.

I'm countin' my money. Five dollars, Five dollars, Five dollars,

Five dollars, Five dollars, Five dollars,

Good pay day.

Five dollars, Five dollars.

Now all of a sudden, all of a sudden.

He stops hittin' me. I'm fightin' with the guy, and all of a sudden

he stops hittin' me. I'm in the corner like this covered up.

(Gloves up to his face)

Like that Ya know?

I can't see him, so after about 30 seconds, I'm thinkin' one of two things.

Either he went home, or he ran out of money.

I don't know which. Ya know, i'm standin' there.

So, what do I do? I drop my gloves down like that.

And there he is, standin right in front of me doin' this.

(Arm swinging around in circles like Popey)

Now, I never saw that before, but the crowd's goin' wild.

The smart thing to do, duugghh

Would have been.

To put my gloves back up like that.

But I didn't do that, because

I was just as interested as everybody else around the ring.

To see what the fuck is goin' on here. Ya know?

So he let go.

BOOM, he hit me right in the head. My head spun around,

like a , like spun around in a circle like nine times.

OK, I tend to exaggerate, that's impossible.

It was more like three times.

Cuz I remember.

I saw Haggler, then I saw my trainer, then I saw Haggler,

then I saw my trainer, then I saw Haggler.

Then the next thing I know, my knees buckle up.

I'm trying to get the buckle open. I don't know how my pants

got down there. I can't the buckle.

New York state law, you gotta buckle up.

I'm Fucked.

I can't get the damn thing off.

And then, when i'm down there, he hits me again.

I go right down, and my face slams right into the canvas.

My face flat right into the canvas. Which was very odd, because

I landed on my back. Ya know?

So that's the kind of story, you can tell your friends when you

become a professional fighter.

Now, remember these four important things to become a professional fighter.

1. Train every day

2. Get a good nickname

3. train every day.

These four things are very important to become a professional fighter.

Now, let me tell you one more thing.

If you have any questions, call me , Je, Jeeff,

call me Jiffy Jeff at

555-4343 That number once again,