Note: Jeremy Hotz is one of the funniest comedians I've seen, at least on Comedy Central. He also played a roll in Speed 2 and some other movies. Great guy with original content. I missed the first few minutes of his act on Comedy Central, but taped the rest.

I used to live here in New York but now I live in Los Angeles, I had to move. L.A., what a miserable place that is. Nothing ever changes. "Oh the fall in L.A., what a beautiful time of year. So different than the other seasons! Look at that tree, I think it's changing color!" "No, it's just dead." I live in a place called Tarzana. Heh. That's what they called it, Tarzana. They stick an 'A' on the end, they think no one's gonna figure it out. It's Tarzan, I live in a treehouse! My nextdoor neighbor's the Keebler elf. Oh I hate that little prick. He keeps me up late at night makin cookies in his tree! That's no way to run a business. There's zoning laws you fuckin shrimp.

Tarzana, full of the biggest snails I've ever seen in my life. You don't get the snails in the east here. Snails the size of my hand just crawlin along the sidewalk. Nowhere near water, how the hell did they get there? I hate snails, I don't trust em... Pullin their house on their back. Walkin around, "Nothin can harm me, I've got my house on my back!" Crunch, "Where'd that foot come from?...Bastard broke my house! I don't have insurance!"

I live in miserable L.A. now. I bought a car when I moved to Los Angeles cuz I've never seen a bus. Oh they have the stops but the bus never comes by. You'd think L.A. was filled with homeless, but it's just people waiting for the bus! I bought a Chevette, that was my choice. Oh you've heard of it. What a miserable car that is. '89 Chevette. It came with a trailor hitch. What the hell could I possibly tow? Another Chevette in case the first one breaks down?

That salesman saw me comin from a mile away. "This car'll stop on a dime, boy.... If it doesn't get over one, ya ass!" And I had to get the diesel. You know how embarassing it is filling it up at a diesel pump? Just me and every trucker in L.A.! "Nice rig, big nose!" I hate drivin that car, huh? If the freeways in the States aren't safe, they're bad here, too! I hate drivin on the freeway in that far lane next to that white cement thing that runs down the center. Oh that's not intimidating to drive next to at all! Big white cement thing with all the black bumper marks from the people who smashed into it. If I lose that car I'll miss it. So many adventures, ya know?

I got pulled over for speeding once in my Chevette. Should've seen the look on the cop's face. I didn't even think he wanted to give me a ticket. He wanted to find out how the hell I did it. Sticks his head right in my window, I should've taken off on him. Then I would've ended up on the news in one of those high-speed chases. Me and my fuckin Chevette. Peopled glued to the TV as I go nine miles an hour. The wind picks up, I stick my nose out the window and use it as a sail.

Before I lived here I lived in Canada. Any Canadians here at all? Just one right up there with green hair! I love Canada, you, man? "No." No? You're right, it's a miserable country! Not a very tough country, huh? They got an army, they just didn't give em...guns or anything! Look at the Canadian flag, it's not a symbol of power...It's a leaf! Oh don't screw with Canada. They'll ...dry up and blow away! Canada should just attack another country. Man, no one would see that coming. Greatest coo in military history. Lay low for 275 years...Then attack...Turkey! Just show up, "Guess what, we're takin it... And we're calling it Chicken you assholes!"

Oh I'm tired. I don't know. Maybe I'll have to go to the doctor now I guess. My guts are killin me, I hate the doctor. In Canada, it's free, the doctor, huh? Here ya gotta pay for it! I hate the doctor's guts. Comes out in his white smock with his pencils of knowledge in his pocket. Gives me useless advise everytime. "Say, Doc, my leg hurts." "Really, keep off it!" "MmmHmmHmm... Thanks for the hot tip, Quincy. If you wouldn't've told me I'da jumped up and down on it for an hour! How much do I owe you, fountain of all knowledge?"

The only thing worse than him is the dentist, what a miserable trip that is. You gotta go twice a year, ya know why? Cuz he tells ya to. It's not in the book anywhere, that bastard's makin it up as he goes along. The end of your visit he always's like, "Well we'll see ya in six months" and you go, "awright!" And the woman who cleans your teeth, what the hell is her problem? You could be brushing and flossing everyday, it's never good enough for her!" She leaps on your ass immediately. "Your teeth are filthy!" "Sorry, I didn't mean to wreck your whole day like that." "See the way your gums are bleeding?" "Oh yeah, I can see it! Maybe if you'd stop stickin those sharp metal things into em... I don't do this at home, lady, I think the problem is you." Some corn stuck between my teeth, I better get it out witha steak knife, geez.

And you go see the dentist, what a weird, twisted freek he is. I don't trust him at all. Sits you down in that chair, he shines that light in your eye, which is bad for my stigmatism. Takes pictures of your teeth and then he shows them to ya, like you're interested at all. Oh those are great shots you got there, dentist. How'd you get my teeth to pose together like that? Ever try and get those pictures from him, he won't give em to ya. He's all weird about it, too, isn't he? "No, those are mine!" "Alright, you keep em, ya freek! Bring em home, look at em late at night and touch yourself, see if I care."

I'm old, that's the problem. You're so young, huh? You still in your 20s, right? Lucky girl. Once you hit 30 your life changes. All the 30 year olds know what I'm talkin about. You hit 30, you don't run for the bus anymore. You get about half way and go, "Oh there's other busses... I'm 30, this is garbage! I'm takin a cab to the bus." So lucky, the younger generation, huh, we got burned if you're over 30. You had way better games when you were a kid than we had, we had garbage! Oh yeah. You had Sega, we didn't have that, we had Pong. See this guy knows, he knows. Yeah, what a miserable game that was. Two sticks and a little ball, doot doot doot! Close your eyes and it still plays in your head. That's why I have a stigmatism!

All those old boardgames, we played em, there was nothin else to do, we didn't have options. Monopoly, we all played that game. What's your favorite property in Monopoly, what do ya like to own? Boardwalk, everyone says that. I like Baltic and Mediterranean the best. So I sit back with all the cheap properties. "Slumlord! Where's my four bucks, pal? Caugh it up, Grandma. Bitch'll turn off the heat!" Ha! Battleship, remember that game? I love Battleship, easiest game in the world to cheat at, wasn't it? We all did it, shut up. "E4!" "Miss!.."

I try to keep in shape, you go to the gym, man? You do? Yeah, me too, what a miserable place the gym is, huh? I don't know how some of those machines work. The one where you sit in a chair and you pull your arms in front of your face, that hurts my ear. Maybe I'm doin it wrong, I dunno. But I'm not gonna ask those trainers walkin around with their arms out to here. How do they wipe their ass? Probably with little guys like me.

So I go to the gym, it's awful. You know the gym. Women have no clue, if you're a guy it's horrible. You gotta stay out of the men's locker room, don't ya? What a horrible, disgusting place that is! Just filled with naked 85 year old men. Just walkin around totally nude, nowhere near the shower, just nude and loitering. When I'm nude I move fast, I'm lookin for my clothes! These 85 year olds are all proud! Never sit on the bench in the men's locker room either, you know that, cuz these nude guys, they come over and talk to ya! I had one guy come over, put his leg right up on the bench, yeah! What's directly in my field of vision? Just hangin there like a Chinese lanturn! "Great he's nude and he wants to chat!" Not about anything inparticular either. "Hot enough for ya?" "Oh yeah, it's pretty warm...Maybe if you moved your figs out of my face I could catch a breeze." But you can't say that to em, you gotta make like you don't see it, it's a guy thing, ya know? So my eyes are dartin all across the room. But I'm a comic so at the same time I'm slightly curious. So I'm peekin at it out the corner of my eye. He's goin on about the weather and I'm just thinkin, "What an ugly package this man has! It's not even the same color as the rest of his body! ...The left one is moving by itself!"

I'm not goin near my mailbox either, I keep gettin stuff in the mail, stuff I didn't send away for. Free samples, cookies all crumpled down to the bottom. Keebler elf, I'll kill him if I see him! He lives nextdoor, he could've walked em over. I got free shampoo in the mail, I got Prail and Apurt in these tiny little packages. I'm cheap, I had shampoo, I used it anyway. I'm so cheap I used half of one then I leaned it up against the bathtub, cuz I figured I could use the second half the next morning. No, in the night it tipped over and dripped green crap down the side of my tub. Can't get it off, it stained it. They're gonna charge me when I move out. I'm gonna have to take whiteout and put it over the top.

I got a box of tampons in the mail once, too. Yeah, imagine my surprise. They weren't tampons, they were pads, something called, uh, "Always."... Like they're gonna call them "Some of the Time." Always dry weave with wings and... optional sunroof, geez. They're big pads, have you seen them? They look like Dr. Sholl's innersoles. I'm usin em for coffee filters right now! Oh yeah, you're laughin, the garbage man must think I have a terrible disease! If you've got these in the mail, ladies, don't wear em. I put one on, I didn't feel "confident," I felt paranoid. "Uh oh, I got one of these on! Hope I don't fall in a puddle! *slurp*"

[end of act]