This section is dedicated to George's book "Braindroppings."  If you like George's standup, you'll love this book.  It isn't an autobiography or anything but instead is a collection of new material.  I took some of the smaller parts and decided to make a section for it.

People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age

Guys who wink when they're kidding

Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium

Guys in their fifties who flash me the peace sign and really mean it

People with a small patch of white hair who think it makes them look interesting

Guys with creases in their jeans

People who know alot of prayers by heart

People who move their lips----when I'm talking!

Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago

A celebrity who adopt a Third-World baby and call it Rain Forest

Guys who wear suits all day and think an earing makes them look cool at nite

Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live

Men who have one, long uninterrupted eyebrow

Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously

People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path

Fat guys who laugh at everything

People who have memorized alot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it

Women who think its cute to have first names consisting soley of inititals

People who give their house or car a name

People who give their genitals a name

Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit

Actors who drive race cars

Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans

Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent

Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon

Blind people who don't want any help

Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists

Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ball game

Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially it they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand

Anticlimax:    What my father was good at
Chess:    The piece movement
Seersucker:    A person who blows clairvoyants
Passing Gear:    Clothing worn by light-skinned blacks who wish to be though of as white
Outspoken:    When you lose a debate
Hormone:    The sound a prostitute makes so you'll think you're a real good fuck
Drug traffic:    Driving to your connection's house
Sex drive:    Similar to drug traffic, but with a different destination
Douche:    A female duke
Octopus:    An eight-sided vagina
Trampoline:    A sexual lubricant popular with sluts
Parakeet:    A keet that takes care of you until a real keet arrives
Pussyfoot:    A rare female birth defect requiring the use of open-toed shoes
Beer nuts:    The official disease of Milwaukee
Cotton balls:    The final stage of beer nuts
Cowhand:    An occupational disability common among dairy farmers
Woodpecker:    A seventeenth-century prosthetic device
Leatherette:    A short sadomasochist
Cap pistol:    A small gun that can be hidden in your hat
A gay barbarian:    Attile the hon

    For my part, I like to work quietly in the background, helping my preffered charities raise money.  If you'd like to help too, here are jsut a few you might consider.

St. Anthony's Shelter for the Recently All Right
The Christian Haven for the Chronically Feisty
The Committee to Keep Something-or-Other from Taking Place
The Center for Research into the Heebie Jeebies
Free Hats for Fat People
The Task Force for Better Pancakes
The Home for the Visually Unpleasant
The State Hospital for Those Who Felt Alright About a Year Ago
The Committee to Challenge the Height Requirements of Mailmen
The Beverly Hills Chamber of Poor Taste
The Alliance of People Who Don't Know What's Next
The Downtown Mission for the Permanently Disheveled
The Malibu Home for the Unimportant
The Nook for Needy Nuns
Children of Parents with Bad Teeth
The Rochester Home for Soreheads
The League of People Who Should Know Better
Hors d'Oeuvres for Bangladesh
The Brotherhood of Real Creeps
The Committeee to Remove the "Bah" from "Sis Boom Bah"

A butterfly with a swastika design

The Latin word for douche bag

Someone defecating in church

A junkie with leisure time

A serial killer with a light-up bow tie

A mom-and-pop steel mill

A shot glass full of carrot juice

A bum with matching luggage

Really interesting twins

Condoms with pictures of the saints

Two homosexuals who own a bait shop

A pimp with a low profit margin

A Rolls-Royce that's more than 50 percent primer paint

        emergency situation                prison setting                        risk factor
        shower activity                        peace progress                      crisis situation
        surgical procedure                   intensity level                       leadership role
        boarding process                     belief system                         learning process
        flotation device                        seating area                          rain event
        hospital environment               sting operation                     conficence level
        fear factor                                evacuation process               healing process
        free of charge                           rehabilitation process           standoff situation
        knowledge base                        facial area                             shooting incident
        forest setting                            daily basis                              planning process
        beverage items                         blue in color

IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME:   As opposed to what?  The privacy of someone else's home?  You have no privacy in someone else's home; that's why you got your own home.

DOWN THE PIKE:    "He was the meanest guy ever to come down the pike."  Fine.  What about the guys who come up the pike?  Not everyone lives "north of the pike."  Some guys have to come up the pike, and they're really mean, because nobody mentions them at all.  And what a bout a guy who doesn't even use the pike.  He arrives on Amtrak!  "Boy, he was the meanest guy ever to arrive eon Amtrak."  Doesn't sound right.

LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL:    We say some guy was "goin' like a bat outta hell."  How do we know how fast a bat would leave Hell?  Maybe he would leave real slow.  In fact, why should we assume that a bat would even want to leave Hell?  Maybe he likes it there.  Maybe Hell is just right for a bat.  May it's bat Heaven.  And now that we're on this subject, how do we know Hell has bats in the first place?  What would a bat be doin' in Hell?  Usually a bat is in the belfry.  Why would he want to split his time between two places?  the again, maybe that's why he's in such a hurry to leave Hell.  He's due back in the belfry.

OUT LIKE A LIGHT:    Why do we say out like a light?  The primary function of a light is to be lit, not to be out.  Why choose a light to represent the concept of being out?  Why not "On like a light?"  The same is true of "dropping like flies" the wrong quality is being emphasized.  Flies are known for flying, not dropping.  And lets not forget "meteoric rise"  Meteors don't rise, they fall.

YOU CAN TALK UNTIL YOU'RE BLUE IN THE FACE, ETC. ETC:    Well, you can't talk until you're blue in the face.  IN order to talk, you need oxygen.  Blueness of the face is caused by a lack of oxygen.  So, if you're blue in the face, you probably stopped talking a long time ago.  You might be making some gestures.  In fact, if you're running out of oxygen, I would imagine you're making quite a number of gestures.  And rather flamboyant ones at that.

HE COULDN'T GET ELECTED DOG CATCHER:   When we point out someone's lack of popularity, especially a politician's, we sometimes say "He couldn't get elected dog catcher."  First of all, since when do they elect dog catchers?  I've never seen one on the ballot, have you?  The last time you were in the voting booth, did it say "President, Vice President, Dog Catcher?"  No.  And why do they imply that getting elected dog catcher would be easy?  I think it would be hard.  A lot of people have dogs; they wouldn't vote for you.  And many of the people who don't have dogs still like them.  I should think it would be quite difficult to get elected dog catcher.

ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER:    Not always.  Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing.  Ask an addict.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD:    This needs to be updated.  It's overdue.  It should have been changed much earlier in the twentieth century to, "The typewriter is mightier than the machine gun."  But at this point it should probably read, "The word processor is mightier than the particle beam weapon."

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON:    What exactly is an "Unidentified person?"  Doesn't everyone have an identity?  Maybe they mean he's a person they can't identify?  But that would make him an "unidentifiable person."  I guess if nothing else, he could always be referred to as "that guy we can't identify."

OPEN A CAN OF WORMS:    Why would you have to open it?  Are there really sealed cans of worms?  Who sealed them?  Worms are usually put in a can after it has been opened, and emptied of something else, like corn or pumpkin meat.  Uncover a can of worms, maybe.  But not open.

WILD AND WOOLLY:    Whenever I hear something being described as wild and woolly, I always wonder where the woolly part comes in.  Wild I understand.  But Woolly?  I have some sweaters that are woolly, but they're kind of conservative.  Not wild at all.

IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME:    How can this be?  Shouldn't if be, "In the right place at the wrong time?"  If a guy gets hit by a stray bullet, he is in the right place (where his day's activities have taken him) at the wrong time (when a bullet is passing by).  If it were the wrong place, the bullet wouldn't have been there.

IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME:    is also questionable.  Let's say a guy wins a prize for being a bank's millionth customer.  All you have to really say is, "He was in the right place."  After all, it had to be the right time.  That's the only time they were giving away the prize.  If it hadn't been the right time, it wouldn't have been the right place.  Twenty minutes later the bank wouldn't be "the right place" anymore.

YOU NEVER KNOW:    Not true.  Sometimes you know.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A ROCKET SCIENTIST:    implies that rocket scientists are somehow smart.  How smart can they be?  They build machines that travel thousands of miles to drop fire and radiation on people.  That doesn't sound so smart to me.

THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK:    Sometimes in the movies when the bad guy is holding a gun on the good guy, the good guy says, "It wont work, Scarfelli, my men are right behind you with their guns drawn."  And the bad guy says, "You can't fool me, Murdoch, that's the oldest trick in the book."  Well, exactly what book are these guys talking about?  Have you ever seen a book with a bunch of tricks in it?  Magic tricks maybe, but I don't think the thing with the guns would be in there, do you?  A prostitute might have a book of tricks, but once again, probably no mention of the two guys with the guns.  And anyway, even if there really were a book with a lot of tricks in it, how would you know which trick was the oldest?  They were all printed at the same time.  You'd have to say, "You can't fool me, Murdoch, that's the trick that appears earliest in the book."  But that's not good movie dialogue, is it?

NOT GOING TO WIN ANY POPULARITY CONTESTS:    When they say someone is "not going to win any popularity contests," what popularity contests are they talking about?  I've never heard any of these contests.  Where do they have them?  And who wins?  Whoever is winning these popularity contests can't be that popular.  You never hear about them.

YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP:    Well, you can't hear a pin drop.  Not even a bowling pin.  When a pin is dropping, it's just floating through the air.  There's very little noise.  You might be able to hear a pin land but certainly not drop.

We're all fucked.  It helps to remember that

WHITE PEOPLE FUCKED UP THE BLUES

FUCK AL JOLSON

Its a sad thing to see an indian wearing a cowboy hat

those who dance are considered insane by those who cant hear the music

I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

When some inpatient person says " I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try

since 1983, more than thirty people have been killed in post office shootings.  You know why?  Because the price of stamps keeps changing.  There's a lot of pressure.  "How much are they now, Rob? Twenty-nine? Thirty-two? I can't keep track! Fuck It!" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

The nicest thing about a plane crashing at  an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash

Someone said to me "Make yourself a sandwich."  Well, if i could make myself a sandwich, I wouldn't make myself a sandwich.  I 'd make myself a horny, 18-year-old billionaire

NOTHING IS SO BORING AS HEARING SOMEONE ELSE DESCRIBE A DREAM

what is all this stuff about a kick being "partially blocked"?  It's either blocked, not blocked, or deflected.  Partially blocked is like "somewhat dead"

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

As soon as a person tells you that the have a surprise for you, the have lost the element of surprise

Hobbies are for people who lack direction

is it illegal to charge admission to a free-for-all?

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first baseball team, who did they play

just because your penis surgery was not successful is no reason to go off half-cocked

DOGS AND CATS GET PUT TO SLEEP, HOGS AND COWS GET SLAUGHTERED

I hope they do clone dinosaurs, and they come back just in time for the ozone layer to disappear and wipe those ugly motherfuckers out again

i'm not an organ donor, but once i did give an old piano to the Salvation Army

sometimes on a rainy day I sit around and weed the losers out of my address book

I made a bargain with the devil: I would get to be famous, and he would get to fuck my sister

It used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima. Tercel!  What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these?  Further proof that America has lost its edge

I love it in  movie when they throw a guy off a cliff.  I love it when it's not in  a movie.  No, especially when it's not in a movie

          added bonus                           total abstinence                                     close proximity
          exactly right                            subject matter                                       ATM machine
          closed fist                               honest truth                                           PIN number
          future potential                        join together                                         coequal
          inner core                               general public                                        common bond
          money-back refund                 harbinger of things to come                    small minority
          seeing the sights                      new initiative                                         serious crisis
          true fact                                 audible gasp                                           personal belongings
          revert back                             advance warning                                    security gaurd
          safe haven                             execution-style killing                              time clock
          prior history                           future plans                                            foreign imports
          young children                        gather together                                       exact same
          time period                             Jewish synagogue                                   continue on
          sum total                                lag behind                                              focus in
          end result                               manual dexterity                                    convicted felon
          temper tantrum                       occasional irregularity                              past experience
          ferryboat                                outer rim                                                consensus of opinion
          free gift                                   plan ahead                                             finished product
          bare naked                              basic fundamentals                                  school teacher
          combined total                         first time ever                                         linger on
          unique individual                      personal friend                                        joint cooperation
          potential hazard                         shrug one's shoulders                             bond together

    Life is not as difficult as people think; all one needs is a good set of rules.  Since it is probably too late for you, here are some guidleines to pass along to your children.

1.    Relax and take it easy.  Don't get caught up in hollow conceits such as "doing something with your
       life."  Such twaddle is outmoded and a sure formula for disappointment.

2.    Whatever it is you pursue, try to do it just well enough to remain in the middle third of the field
       Keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself and don't ask questions.  Remember, the squeaky wheel
       is the first to be replaced.

3.    Size people up quickly, and develop rigid attitudes based on your first impression.  If you try to
       delve deeper and get to "know" people, you're asking for trouble.

4.    Don't fall for that superstitious nonsense about treating people the way you would like to be treated
       It is a transparently narcissistic approach, and may be the sign of a week mind.

5.    Spend as much time as you can pleasing and impressing others, even if it makes you unhappy.
       Pay special attention to shallow manipulators who can do you the most harm.  Remember, in
       the overall scheme, you count for very little.

6.    Surround yourself with inferiors and losers.  Not only will you look good by comparison, but they
       will look up to you, and that will make you feel better.

7.    Don't buy into the sentimental notion that everyone has short comings; it's the surest way of
       undermining yourself.  Remember, the really best people have no defects.  If you're not perfect
       something is wrong.

8.    If by some off chance you do detect a few faults, first, accept the fact that you are deeply flawed
       Then make a list of your flaws and dwell on them.  Carry the list around and try to think of things
        to add.  Blame yourself for everything.

9.    Beware of intuition and gut instincts, they are completely unreliable.  Instead develop preconceived
       notions and don't waver unless someone tells you to.  Then change your mind and adopt their
       point of view.  But only if they seem to know what they're talking about.

10.    Never give up on an idea just because it is bad and doesn't work.  Cling to it even when it is
         hopeless.  Anyone can cut and run, but it takes a very special person to say with something
         that is stupid and harmful.

11.    Always remember, today doesn't count.  Trying to make something out of today only robs you of
         precious time that could be spent daydreaming or resting up.

12.    Try to dwell on the past.  Think of al the mistakes you've made, and how much better it would
         be if you hadn't made them.  Think of what you should have done, and blame yourself for not
         doing so.  And don't go easy,  Be really hard on yourself.

13.    If by chance you make a fresh mistake, especially a costly one, try to repeat it a few times so you
         become familiar with it and do it easily in the future.  Write it down.  Put it with your faults.

14.    Beware also of the dangerous trap of looking ahead; it will only get you in trouble.  Instead, try
         to drift along from day to day in a meandering fashion.  Don't get sidetracked with some
         foolish "plan"

15.    Finally, enjoy yourself all the time, and do whatever you want.  Don't be seduced by that
         mindless chatter going around about "responsibility."  That's exactly the kind of thing that

    THERE ARE MANY POPULAR BELIEFS ROOTED IN FAMILIAR EXPRESSIONS AND SAYINGS THAT SIMPLY AREN'T TRUE.

EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES:    Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones.  Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes.  By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes.  They were wrong, too.  It just took them longer to recognize a pattern.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU:    People say when you die, "you can't take it with you."  Well, that depends on what it is.  If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you.  In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in the pockets.

YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY:    Actually, you learn something old everyday.  Just because you learned it, doesn't mean it's new.  Other people already knew it.  Columbus is a good example of this.

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT:    Well, how can the sky be the limit?  The sky never ends.  What kind of a limit is that?  The Earth is the limit.  You dig a hole and what do you keep getting?  More earth.  The Earth's the limit.

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR:    Clearly this is not true.  Have you been shopping lately?  Only a naive person would believe that you get what you pay for.  In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you.  And if corporations get anymore powerful, you soon might not even get that.

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY:    Not true.  Today is another day.  We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be.  It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure.  If it happens, I'll be the first to say so.  But, you know what?  By that time, it'll be today again.

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST:    Not true.  Studies have shown that, on the average, nice guys finish third in a field of six.  Actually, short guys finish last.  By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth.  You can see how limited those people were.

IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL:    Do we even have to talk about this one?  This should be obvious.  If you've seen one, you've seen one.  If you've seen them all, then you've seen them all.  I don't even understand how this got started.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS:    No.  Those were the nights!  Think back.  Weren't the nights better?  Days you had to got to work.  Nights you went to parties, danced, drank, got laid.  "Those were the nights!"

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH:    What about when you eat at home?  I don't have to pay when I eat lunch at home-it's free!  Sometimes, I'll leave a tip, but basically, it's a free lunch.  Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store.  But as the Zen buddhists say, The Food Is Not the Lunch.

YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKES YOUR CHOICE:    I think what I said earlier still applies:  You pays your money and you takes whatever they jolly well give you.  Actually, when you get right down to it, you pays your money and you loses your money.

EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE:    Not so.  Would you believe that there are millions of people who do not have their price?  Thanks to a government mix-up, many people have their neighbors price.

THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THEY USED TO:    Actually the do make 'em like they used to, they just don't sell 'em anymore.  They make 'em, and the keep 'em.

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT:    Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right.  Not only that, but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially.  So that two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and 256 wrongs to make four rights. It seems to me that anyone who is stringing together more than 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S ANOTHER:    Not always, Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else altogether.

YOU CAN'T WIN THEM ALL:    Not true.  Believe it or not, there is a man in Illinois who, so far, has one them all.  But don't get too excited; it also has been discovered that under certain circumstances it is possible to lose them all.  By the way, there is no record for anyone having tied them all.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS:    That depends on how intimately you now the other person.  Maybe you can't have it both ways at once, but if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN'T GET ANY WORSE:    This is an example of truly faulty logic.  Just because things can't get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to get better.  they might just stay the same.  And, by the way, who says things can't get any worse?  For many people, things get worse and worse and worse.

NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR:    Not so.  I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different people, telling me life was fair.  One person put it this way, "Life, you will find, is fair, George."  Oddly enough, all twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-six.

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO:    Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango.  It takes two to tango together, but one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own.  By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that it took twenty-six to tango.

THERE'S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM:    This may have been true in the past, but now, if you adjust for the increased population base, birth control, and the so called moral decline, not only are there five suckers born every minute, there are now fifty-three to take him.

LIFE IS SHORT:    Life is not short, it's just that since everything else lasts so long-- mountains, rivers, stars, planets-- life seems short.  Actually life lasts just the right amount of time.  Until you die.  Death on the other hand, is short.

WHAT YOU  DON'T KNOW WON'T HURT YOU:    Why don't we just ask Abe Lincoln and John Kennedy about this one.

    If a picture is worth ten thousand words (the actual proverb is "One picture is worth ten thousand words -- Confucius:")  then one twenty-five hundredth of a picture should be worth four words.
 
    And if Helen of Troy had the face that launched a thousand ships, and a picture is worth ten thousand words, doesn't that mean that one picture of Helen's face should be worth ten thousand ships?

    And, if the night has a thousand eyes, and getting there is half the fun, that means to have fun getting there at night would require five hundred eyes.

    And, if getting there is half the fun, and a half a loaf is better than none, would getting halfway there with a whole loaf be more or less fun?

    And if half a loaf is better than none, the night has a thousand eyes, a picture is worth ten thousand words, getting there is half the fun, and Helen of Troy had the face that launched a thousand ships, then in a picture taken at night from a ship that is halfway there, how much fun would Helen be having if she were holding a full loaf?  And could you see it in her eyes?

    OK, now suppose Helen of Troy lived in a halfway house....

    I'm tired of television announcers, hosts newscasters, and commentators, nibbling away at the English language, making obvious and ignorant comments.
    If I were in charge of America's broadcast stations and networks, I would gather together all of the people whose jobs include speaking to the public, and I would not let them out of the room until they had absorbed the following suggestions.
    And I'm aware that media personalities are not selected on the basis of intelligence.  I know that, and I try to make allowances for it.  Believe me, I really try, But still...
    There are some liberties taken with speech that I think require intervention, if only for my sake.  I won't feel right if this chance goes by, and I keep my silence.

    The English word forte , meaning "specialty" or "strong point," is not pronounced "for-tay."  Got that?  It's pronounced "fort."  The Italian word forte, used in music notation, is pronounced "for-tay" and it instructs the musician to play loud: "She plays the skin flute, and her forte [fort] is playing forte [for-tay]."  Look it up.  And don't give me that whiny shit, "for-tay is listed as the second preference."  There is a reason it's second: because it's not first!

    Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.  If two baseball players are from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic.  It is a coincidence.  If Barry Bonds attains life time statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic, it will be a coincidence.  Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what is to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result."  For instance:

                    If a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck,
                    he is the victim of an accident.  If the truck was delivering sugar, he
                    is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence.  But if the truck was
                    delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony.

                    If a Kurd, after surviving a bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's
                    army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed
                    and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend
                    is irony writ large.

                    Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal
                    hit by Jack Tatum.  Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football,  and if
                    the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic.
                    It will be coincidental.  If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone
                    else, that will be closer to ironic.  If he paralyzes Jack Tatums's son
                    that will be precisely ironic.

    I'm tired of hearing prodigal being used to mean "wandering, given to running away or leaving and returning."  The parable in the Book of Luke tells of a son who squanders his fathers money.  Prodigal means "recklessly wasteful or extravagant."  And if you say popular usage has changed that, I say, fuck popular usage!

The phrase sour grapes does not refer to jealousy or envy.  Nor is it related to being a sore loser.  It deals with the rationalization of failure to attain a desired end.  In the original fable by Aesop, "The Fox and the Grapes," when the fox realizes that he cannot leap high enough to reach the grapes. he rationalizes that even if he had gotten them, they probably would have been sour anyway.  Rationalization.  That's all sour grapes means.  It doesn't deal with jealousy or sour losing.  Yeah, I know, you say, "Well, many people are using it that way, so the meaning is changing."  And I say, "well many people are really fuckin' stupid, too, shall we adopt all their standards?"

    Strictly speaking, celibate does not mean not having sex, it means not being married.  No wedding.  the practice of refraining from sex is called chastity or sexual abstinence.  No fucking.  A Priests don't take a vow of celibacy, they take a vow of chastity.  Sometimes referred to as the "no-nookie clause."

    And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex.  It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin.  That's all it ever meant.  And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim.  The Jesus thing is called virgin birth.

        Proverbial is now being used to describe things that don't appear in the proverbs.  For instance, "the proverbial drop in the bucket" is not a proverb, it's a metaphor.  You wouldn't say " as welcome as a turd in the proverbial punchbowl," or "as cold as the proverbial nun's box," because neither refers to a proverb.  The former is a metaphor, the latter is a simile.

    Momentarily means  for a moment, not in a moment.  The word for "in a moment" is presently.  "I will be there presently, Dad, after pausing momentarily, I will kick you in the nuts."

    No other option and no other alternative are redundant.  the words option and alternative already imply otherness.  "I had no option, Mom, I got this huge erection because there was no other alternative."  The rule is not optional; the alternative is to be wrong.

    You should not use criteria when you mean criterion for the same reason that you should not use criterion when you mean criteria.  These is my only criterions.

    A light-year is a measure of distance, not time.  "It will take light years for young basketball players to catch up with the number of women Wilt Chamberlain has fucked," is a scientific impossibility.  Probably in more ways than one.

    An acronym is not just any set of initials.  It applies only to those that are pronounced as words.  MADD, DARE, NATO, and UNICEF are acronyms.  FBI, CIA, and KGB are not.  They're just pricks.

    I know I'm fighting a losing battle with this one, but I refuse to surrender: Collapsing a building with explosives is not an implosion.  An implosion is a very specific scientific phenomenon.  The collapsing of a building with explosives is the collapsing of a building with explosives.  The explosives explode, and the building collapses inwardly.  That is not an implosion.  It is an inward collapsing of a building, following a series of smaller explosions designed to make it collapse inwardly. Period. Fuck you!

    Here's another pointless, thankless objection I'd like to register.  I say it that way, because I know you people and your goddamn "popular usage" slammed the door on this one a long time ago.  But here goes anyway:
                    A cop out is not an excuse, not even a weak one; it is an admission
                    of guilt.  When someone "cops a plea," he admits to guilt to some
                    charge, in exchange for better treatment.  He has "copped out."
                    When a guy says, "I didn't get to fuck her because I reminded her
                    of her little brother," he is making an excuse.  But if he says, "I didn't
                    get to fuck her because I'm an unattractive schmuck," he is copping
                    out.  The trouble arises when an excuse contains a small amount of
                    self incriminating truth.

    This one is directed to the sports people: You are destroying a perfectly good figure of speech: "Getting the monkey off one's back" does not mean breaking a losing streak.  It refers only to ending a dependency.  That's all.  The monkey represents a strong yen.  A losing streak does not compare even remotely.  Not in a literary sense and not in real life.

    Here's one you hear from the truly dense: "The proof is in the pudding."  Well, the proof is not in the pudding; the rice and raisins are in the pudding.  The proof of the pudding is in the eating.  In this case, proof means "test."  The same is true of "the exception that proves [tests] the rule."

    An eye for an eye is not a call for revenge, it is and argument for fairness.  In the time of the Bible, It was standard to take a life in exchange for an eye.  But the Bible said, No, the punishment should fit the crime.  Only an eye for an eye, nothing more.  It is not vindictive, it is mitigatory.

    Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?  First you make the mistake.  Then you make the same mistake.  Then you make the same mistake twice.  If you simply say, "Don't make the same mistake," you'll avoid the first mistake

    Unique needs no modifier.  Very unique, quite unique, more unique, real unique, fairly unique, and extremely unique are wrong, and they mark you as dumb.  Although certainly not unique.

    Healthy does not mean "healthful."  Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property.  Vegetables aren't healthy, they're dead.  No food is healthy.  Unless you have an eggplant that's doing push-ups.  Push-ups are healthful.

    There is no such thing or word as kudo.  Kudos is a singular noun meaning praise, and it is pronounced kyoo-dose.  There is also a plural form, spelled the same, but pronounced kyoo-doze.  Please stop telling me, "so-and-so picked up another kudo today."

    Race, creed, or color is wrong.  Race and color, as used in this phrase, describe the same property.  And "creed" is a stilted, outmoded way of saying "religion."  Leave this tired phrase alone; it has lost its usefulness.  Besides, it reeks of insincerity no matter who uses it.

    As of yet is simply stupid.  As yet, I've seen no progress on this one, but of course I'm speaking as of now.

    Here's one you can win money on in a bar if you're within reach of the right reference book: Chomping at the bit and old stomping ground are incorrect.  Some Saturday afternoon when you're getting bombed on your old stamping ground, you'll be champing at the bit to use this one.

Sorry to sound so picky, folks, but I listen to a lot of radio and TV, and these things have bothered me for a long time.

                    From the git-go                                    Check it out
                    It works for me                                    Doesn't take a rocket scientist
                    You gotta love it                                   Do a number
                    Go get 'em, tiger!                                  Couch potato
                    Sounds like a plan                                 What's wrong with this picture
                    You know the drill                                Or what?
                    Get with the program                             Born again
                    Take no prisoners                                  Trash talk
                    None of the above                                 I love it!
                    Up close and personal                            Go ballistic
                    The whole nine yards                             In your dreams
                    May be hazardous to your health             I hate when that happens
                    The Rodney Dangerfield of...                  Don't give up your day job
                    Cut to the chase                                     Tough act to follow
                    Deal with it                                            No brainer
                    Clean up your act                                   Street smart
                    Bottom line                                            I mean that in the nicest way
                    Wannanbe                                             No biggie
                    Been there, done that                             Tell us how you really feel
                    Fifteen minutes of fame                          That's why he gets the big bucks
                    Joined at the hip                                     Seperated at birth
                    I'm mad as hell and, etc.                         Flavor of the month
                    Just when you thought it was safe...         It's not over till it's over
                    Humungous                                            Don't try this at home
                    In your face                                            Easy for you to say
                    Lean and mean

    On the feast of St. Stephen, I was driving my hearse to the wholesale liverwurst outlet when suddenly a hermaphrodite in a piano truck backed out of a crack house driveway, and, as my shoes caught fire, I pirouetted across Boris Karloff Boulevard, slapping the truck driver six times in the loins with a Chattanooga road map, even though he was humming "The Pussycat Song."