There is something that I have always wanted to have my own funeral and have only one wish in this lifetime (besides having my thing enlarged so I can actually find it...) I would like to have my funeral before I die. I know that sounds very silly but there is a reason to my madness. Like every other human being, I want to feel special and completely loved and by faking my own death I will achieve this.

I will lay motionless in my casket (you see, I don't actually want to be dead...) and try with all my might not to fart. In lieu of flowers I will ask for Frank Zappa cd's. I would lay there peacefully with a stiff smile while listening to all my friends and family go on and on about what a wonderful, kind hearted person I was. I want people to line up and one by one kiss me on the cheek. If I secretly dislike one of them, they can just kiss my butt. I would like people to gather in a group and read a few selective poems, preferably poems I have written. I suggest that some of my poems, like "Ode To My Farts" perhaps could be read at some other appropriate time and place....

I want to hear some good gossip while I'm laying there but I don't need to hear about Uncle Stan's lobotomy or Aunt Millie's hemorrhoids. One of the best things about faking my death is I won't have to dress myself. This will be one of the few times I will be in a suit and the tie will not look like it was tied by a three year old blind boy with arthritis

The only negative aspect of having my own funeral is listening to my wife gab to all her friends about the joys of having life insurance. It is then that I would pop out of my coffin and let everyone know it was all just a scam. Boy, is she ever going to be disappointed!