By Abrahim Esker and David
(Introduction by David)
"I don�t think it will fit."
"And why the hell not?"
"It seems the bag is full, Santa."
"Hmm... Well you don�t have to make it fit Theodore, but if it�s not in there by the time I leave, were going to need to talk."
"I understand, Mr. Klaus."
At this I turned and walked away. In the direction of the so-called "Big House". It�s a good house. Nice, strong doors and windows always coated with the moisture a cooking oven creates. I've lived in this house since the beginning of time as we know it and its always served me as good as any man could want. The snow is falling pretty heavily now so I quickly my pace to my front door. The camp is alive tonight, Elves are scurry to and fro, in a mad attempt to be prepared in time for the big night. In 3 more days a years work will be loaded onto one big slay and me and a hundred million toys will leave this Pole and spread our joy all across the globe.
I placed my hand onto the big, frosted handle of my old oak door and pushed inward. I was greeted by a rush of warm air and the pleasantly overwhelming smell of cinnamon. I open my eyes and step inside and next to my favorite chair is a plate of beautiful, fresh, cookies and a tall glass of creamy whole milk.
(The Following Paragraph by Abrahim Esker and David)
I picked up a cookie and brought it to my mouth, I opened my mouth wide and BIT�I Shouted to the heavens and dropped the cookie to the floor, Thud�.IT WAS A STONE PAINTED LIKE A COOKIE! I went for the glass of milk to soothe the pain in my mouth As I took a Sip I Spit it out IT WAS SPERM!!! My wife, Mrs. Klaus is speaking to one of her Elven housekeepers, she seems angry and the Elf is obviously scared out of her pitifully small mind. I smile as I see the stupid Elf cringe as my wife puts her face closer to the Elf's. That�s one of the reasons I love her, she knows that these Elves would be nothing without us, and that its our responsibility to make them half-way decent mannered. I move toward my chair and leave my wife to finish with the Elf. Something had to be done about this�in this, the most magical place on earth. They try to break my teeth and make me drink ELF SPERM? I had to go outside�Outside to�The North Pole.
(The Following by Abrahim Esker)
I left the comfort and warmth of the house and made my way across the snow trenches�all the way to the Workers Quarters�A Large sturdy metal Hangar�the Steel door was frozen shut�it seems the heating inside had been out for at least 2 days and the Elves had been stuck inside �No wonder I didn�t get those god damn cookies and milk� I thought to myself�I kicked the door 3 times before it finally creaked open�The Power was out so I clapped twice and called for Randolph�The Red light of Randolph's nose lit the entire hangar�a Devestating sight� the Elves had been frozen�of course elves are magical creatures therefor No one gives a shit�I thought �Now I�m going to have to make another trip to Indonesia�� suddenly I heard a noise from the maintenance room in the other corner of the hangar�I opened the door to find quite a few elves alive and well�They looked at me and some smiled�One female elf looked particularly attractive to me��Do you Little Shits Understand if I loose even a pound off my weight that I won�t get the same kind of publicity�and if I don�t eat, I�ll make damn well sure none of you little bastards eat either�� �But Santa Sir!� The other elves backed away from the young elf who spoke�I grinned and then frowned and looked at the little elf��Did I hear you speak? Did I see your mouth open? You know where your going now don�t you?� �No sir?� Replied the young elf��Well maybe its better if it�s a surprise�� another elf jumped from the crowd �Please Don�t take my son, take me instead�� �Oh smart move papa smurf�Both of you are coming with me� I pointed at the pretty female elf �And you too sugar butts� I ezgoded the 2 elves by their ears and dragged them outside into the cold, the female followed hesistantly�I let go of the younger elves ear and kicked him in the stomach as he dropped to the floor�I led them all through the trenches until we reached a gate�a tall man in military clothes with a red arm band and stone hard face looked at me and then at the 2 elves�he began to speak with a heavy German accent �COMANDANT KLAUSS Zuh, VAT AH YO ODAHS� � Take these 2 to the camp�put them to work�and then you know what to do....As for the girl, prepare a room for me in the compound �ZUH YEZ ZUH!� �Aren�t you forgetting something Soldier?� I said with a grin, he replied �My apologiez zuh!� He click his boots together and raised his right hand up and slightly forward in the air �HEIL KLAUSS!!!!!�
I returned to the camp shortly after putting on some special clothes�at the gate I winked at the soldier and he let me in, saluting once more�These men were loyal�the younger were more recent recruits from South Africa and northern Europe�the Older had been young once�some in the service of such honorable men as The SS�s Heinrich Himmler�Himmler was a good friend of mine from Germany, he knew how to run an efficient business, an efficient corporation, an efficient camp�.an efficient human being�Of course the Elves, they were a Rat among races, they were good for laboring tasks, things that don�t require intelligence of racial zuperiority�oh the memories seemed to have brought my old accent back for a moment�those were good times while they lasted�the Americans, well, they�ve been more than generous with our operation here�and me�after all, once I leave this God Forsaken piece of frozen shit they call the north Pole, I�m an international star, A Super hero�a Super Human�The Ideal�and thus the illusion must be sustained�which brings me to the punishment of those 2 elves�I walked to the area were they were being held, and saw them working outside in the cold hammering some kinds of toys...I looked at a nearby patrolling soldier �You know, this is an example of our dream�Slaves to perfection� The soldier smiled�suddenly the alarms went off, 2 other elves were attempting an escape�suddenly from out of the barracks came 4 guards with 2 barking angry German dogs�German Shepherds were of good use�though perhaps a little too strong for elves�I smiled and watched the action�a guard from the tower fired a shot which hit one of the elves legs�as he dropped the other elf stopped to help�the guards caught up with them�Suddenly I called out �HALT� to the guards�they turned to me�I had the guard let me into the main camp area and told one guard to give me his gun�the camp was silent�the dog peed�I took the gun and put it in my hand�and I spoke to elf who had stopped for his wounded comrade�I said �I will let you escape if you take this gun�and shoot your friend with the limp leg, he is of no use to us without his leg�SHO ZOOT HIM!� I coughed to cover up the accent�I was thirsty to see some of the beauty of the elven mind at work�the question was, Would he do it? He knew as well as I, I would have the dogs eat him alive if he didn�t�The Elf took the gun�and looked at it�and looked at me�and looked at his friend�his friend looked at him, a tear in his eye, the elf held the gun in his hand�and pointed it at the wounded elf�tears streamed from the little elves eyes�he clenched the gun tightly�but before he pulled the trigger HE PUT IT TO HIS OWN HEAD�the resounding shot scared the dogs�Red fluid painted the white snow�the wounded elf screamed in horror �GIVE HIM TO THE DOGS� I said as I walked away disappointed yet pleased�The dogs attacked the wounded elf, as his screams became more faint I had reached the building with a room prepared for me�I climbed some steps and opened the door to a room with a bed�the Elf girl was in a corner crouching and in the nude�I smiled, approached her and offered her my hand�as she put her hand in mine I swung her onto the nearby bed and threw off my red robe to reveal black studded leather, I took out a whip that had been hidden in my belt�and I flicked it� towards the floor��This is going to hurt you more than its going to hurt me� I said with a smile�
The Elf Girl stopped moving after half an hour�I brought my ear close to her mouth to see if she was still breathing�with my ear still close to her mouth I thought to myself �I must have been to Hard on her, HARD ON� I chuckled out loud and suddenly I heard the sound of jaws slamming shut on my ear, CRUNCH!!!!! I screamed out loud, The Elf Girl was alive, she got a hold of my whip and tied it around my neck�IT WAS SO TIGHT! I gurgled and my face became even more red and rosy, I couldn�t help but find a moment of pleasure in the violent and I automatically ejaculated�it distracted that damn elf girl and give me time to flip the whip off my neck�I threw her against the wall, and then against the window�as I bent down to grab her she spit in my face and kicked my groin, I fell to the floor in a fetal position�the last thing I heard was the door slam as she left and ran down the stairs�
I got up, I didn�t know what time it was�that little elf girl was going to die tonight�I wore my robe and limped down the stairs since I had hurt my hip in the fall�I ran to the gate�I was so angry that my beard curled and my face was fire hot and red�I Screamed at the gate keeper of the camp area �OPEN THE GOD DAMN GATES!!!!!� He let me in�I ran across the fields of workers hammering away all the way to the supervisor�I asked him �DID YOU SEE A NAKED LITTLE ELF RUN IN HERE?� He responded �No, I saw no one� as he winked in acknowledgment�this wasn�t the first time I had asked him such a question and my previous orders were to conceal such information from even me�I said �Give me your gun� and when he did I ZAHT HEIM! My face was covered in his blood now, I smeared it on my beard�and ate some snow and made my way to the Other side of the camp, smoke surrounded that area and as I cleared it from my path I found a soldier��HEAT UP THE OVENS� He said �Sir? The ovens are at the correct heat for baking our Vold vamouse Gookies�.� I replied in a low voice �Tonight we are gooking�Meat� I took a short brisk limp down the rows and rows of ovens and columns of billowing smoke to see if I could spot that elf girl�but she was no where to be found�The Last place to check was the Hangar were I found her�I made my way through the trenches and as I left I told the gate guard to have all the Elves brought to the center of the camp for roll call�I called Rudolph with 2 claps as before and Sat on his back as I huffed and puffed�as I kicked and spurred him on he was too slow so I got off and pulled him all the way to the hangar�once again he lit it�but this time there were no elves�I looked all around�suddenly�I heard quick footsteps�Rudolph and I turned�there was still nothing to be found�suddenly I heard a shreik from the ceiling and as I looked up I saw Elves falling from the steel supports up on the roof�They pounced on me and the red light of Rudolph was no more to be seen�it was completely dark�suddenly as I lay on the floor I began to move, I was being dragged by the feet by the little bastard�I twisted my foot until my boot came off and kicked the elf holding my other foot�I stumbled towards the door and made it outside, I ran in the snow through the trenches for a while, my foot would freeze in this condition I had to make it home, I hopped on the one foot with the boot for a moment and suddenly felt a sharp pain through my side�MY HIP! I remembered too late�I fell to the floor in pain and dragged myself through the trenches, I had to make it home�my beautiful home�Warm�I should have never even though of doing anything with that elf girl�she was less than me�and now because of my fall from grace into lust�I was in the situation I am in now�Finally�my home was in site�I could smell the cinnamon�I could feel my life coming back to me�I had fond memories there�I reached the door and it was opened...so I pushed it from the floor and dragged myself in�I couldn�t look up now since my neck had gotten hurt as well�I dragged myself to the kitchen�I began to rock back and forth and finally made it onto my back looking at the roof, and I SCREAMED IN HORROR AT WHAT I SAW!!!
I found the strength to get up�I cut the rope that hung my wife execution style�I cried a little�and then I realized who had been responsible for this�The Elves�The Elves had gotten the guts to pull off something like this�and now they were going to reget it�I found a pair of slippers and wore one slipper�I didn�t have the strength or time to go upstairs to get my spare boots�I looked around in my house moving my whole body to turn my head since my neck had gone stiff�I walked over to my favorite chair to find it had been ripped to to pieces�the springs were naked to the site and bent�and the soft material which had once cushioned my beautiful buttocks filled the air. I walked over to the side closet and opened it�behind my rain coat was something that would put those little shits back in their place�my beloved�Shot gun�I picked it up as well as an Assault rifle I kept spare�after I hung the assault rifle on my shoulder I reloaded the shot gun and stroked it once CHACHICK �Merry Christmas Mother Fuckers!� I blew open the door with my shot gun and made it down the trenches�I made it to the gate of the camp�I saw all the elves had lined up for roll call�there were so many�I walked along the front row and began to speak �There has been an attempt to stop the progress of this camp of late�Some of you actually seem to believe you can escape or you can take over our operation for your own benefit�Well those of you who think that would be wise to step forward as of now�And if you do not�I will kill one elf every minute�I clicked the shot gun once more CHACHICK�You have 60 seconds to step forward�I ordered a nearby guard to count down from sixty. The Elves were scared and began speaking among themselves�at the 30th second I added and if one of you tell me of the others I will spare you. 20�.10�.9�8�7�6�I put the gun to the nearest elves head as the elf cringed and braced himself�5�4�3�2�The Resounding bang scared everyone�the elf who had the shot gun to his head was still alive as he opened his eyes looking down the barrel and shaft of my shot gun�I turned to where the sound had come from�the tower�there was no guard on the tower�I looked at the other tower to see a small form trying to manage with the sniper rifle of the guard�I crouched down to the floor and screamed �WE ARE UNDER ATTACK� I looked over and saw the guard who was counting down laying in a pool of blood which was warm enough to melt the snow around him�as I watched him sink into the deep snow I looked up to see the elf I had the gun pointing to smiling�I hit the shotgun to his stomach and as he bent over in pain I shot him through the head�As the crowd of Elves started to run in fear I dropped the shotgun and slid off the Assault rifle from my arm and began to open fire among the crowd�I screamed to all the guards �OPEN FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!� They all began to fire�suddenly a shot landed near my feet�The Elves were trying to shoot me from the guard towers�I limped across the snow towards the ovens�They couldn�t see me through the smoke�as I went deeper into the smoke I screamed to the guards �CATCH AS MANY AS YOU CAN AND BRING THEM TO ME� as the gunshots and screaming grew further away It was replaced with the loud crackle of blazing fire�the guard whom I had spoken to earlier about the ovens approached me with a cloth to his mouth �Sir the Ovens are at maximum heat�Our men are afraid to go near it sir�� I raised my assault rifle and shot the guard in the leg and dragged him towards the fire and screamed out loud �YOUR FATE WILL BE HIS IF YOU DISOBEY ORDERS� Then I looked at him and said in a deep dark voice �Tell me when its too hot� I picked up and threw him into the fire, it was so hot that even his scream seemed to evaporate. I limped to the nearby office and shot open a locked cabinet which held weapons and equipment�I picked up more ammo for my rifles and a gas mask�I wore the gas mask and limped out of the office�by then the elves were being brought to me by the guards�I walked towards them and said �Go back and find me more� As they left I smiled at the little elves and when the elf began to cry in fear and shiver I rose my shot gun shot its leg, the bullet was so powerful its leg came clean off, it screamed so loud that it could not even produce a sound from its wide open mouth�I put my 2 finger in its mouth and dragged it by the jaw�and into the fire it went�I went back and pointed the rifle at the others and said �YOU HAVE A CHOICE, I SHOOT YOU OR YOU JUMP INTO THE FIRE� I shot the first elf in line in the stomach, its organs fell across the floor�the Second in line rose its hands up in the air and ran towards the fire�as it reached close it turned back, I turned back and it looked at me as to ask for forgiveness... frowned and pointed my gun towards it and in a low voice said �Get in� it turned back to the fire and I shot it in the back causing it to flip into the fire�When I turned around again the other elves had disappeared into the smoke�I was alone�and I could barely see anything�my gas mask�s goggles had fogged, as I rubbed them I felt a sharp pain through my stomach�through blurred vision I looked down to see a blob with a stick�I hit it across and as it fell to the side I cleared my goggles to see a little elf, rifle and bayonet in hand pointing it towards me, with an almost animal fear and anger in its eyes�it growled�I said �Do you really think your strong enough to pull that trigger you little shit?�
I woke up in the office my left goggle was broken and red with blood and glass�I got up a little and put my back towards the nearby desk�I looked around to see guards scared out of their minds all around me looking towards the windows clenching their guns and rifles�One spotted me �COMMANDANT KLAUSS!!! YOUR ALIVE! WE THOUGHT THOSE THINGS HAD KILLED YOU!!!� I couldn�t speak�I was numb with pain�I grunted and moaned slightly�and barely could raise my hand to my face as I rose the gas mask slightly over my head I could see the horror in the guards eyes when he had beheld what those elves had done�I moved my mouth and spit out some teeth and �I got tried to hold the nearby chair to get up but it had wheels so It slid away and I fell back to the ground�I tried another chair but my weight snapped it and I fell once more, I realized then blood was all around me, my stomach wound was still opened and I had lost a lot of blood�I felt dizzy looking myself in the pool of blood�s reflection�I couldn�t even scream when I saw what they had done to my face�I pulled the gas mask down on my face again to conceal the horror��I was once a saint among men�� I thought to myself��What have I become�� I said out loud in a grumbling whisper �What have they turned me into�� I found the strength to get up using the sturdy desk and whispered to one of the guards �What�s happening here� he replied �Zuh, the Elves�They�ve gone mad, There is an all out rebellion outside�only we few managed to make it to safety through the smoke � he wiped some sweat away, caused by the heat of the ovens �The Elves sir�there are too many of them�we have shot a few who tried to come near this office�but outside�the guards they caught�My friends�They�ve�Massacred them�They�ve taken them prisoner�they are torturing them as we speak�Can�t you hear their screams sir?� When I turned around to see the dead elves the guards had shot all I could hear was the crackle of fire and a faint ringing in my ears�I shut my eyes�and a flash of my wife had come to my mind�all those dreams�destroyed�all that I had achieved�had been desecrated by these rats�this infestation had gone wild�and who was I to blame but myself��I must�� I whispered to myself�I opened my eyes and looked towards the guards��We must kill them all��
We entered the smoke�limping, crawling�Us, the super humans�the elves had tried to make us weak like them�the Elves lack one thing that we the Superior have been bestowed�Will power�I looked around to find myself alone�the guards had abandoned me�So much for will power�I limped through the smoke and could hear more now�the screams of each guard being killed violently in the smoke by the rebel elves�I continued to limp through the smoke and as I neared the light and the smoke began to clear I could see what the elves had done�it was night now, and the place was set ablaze�random fires lit the area as well as the blazing sleeping quarters and barracks�The elves had utilized out tools of order such as the hanging post to hang guards�various body parts such as arms and legs were being roasted amongst the various crowds that sat around the fires�I could see across some walls graffiti painted in blood saying foul things such as �FUCK SANTA� and crude drawings of me which bore no resemblance with weapons through its head�Suddenly I heard a scream from the crowd�they had spotted me�they all turned�They had thought I was dead�They could barely comprehend that I, their Master, had not yet given them the freedom they would never deserve�Suddenly I heard a war cry as an Elf jumped on my back and a splinter of pain went through my shoulder�All the elves began to approach and many jumped on my�I opened fire in a wild blaze blowing them aside and shrugging with great pain the ones on my back�they continued to attack, suddenly one of the elves, a female voice told them to stop�and they listened and when they had backed off a little I could see that Elf girl was the one who had ordered them to stop�I took aim at her�and she approached me�and gave me her hand�I looked at it�I hung the assault rifle on my back and hesitantly gave her my hand�I remembered how I had offered her my hand the night before�and what I had done after�but I know she had no strength to swing me as I had swung her�she led me into the crowd�I limped after her�she sat down next to the fire�and I did as well�She began to speak in a gentle voice �Do you know why this has happened� I replied �I was always fair to you little monsters� she said �We are magical creatures�You have a choice�We can bring back your wife�she is not yet completely dead�� I remembered my wife�and a tear of blood came down my cheek�� I replied �Yes�Please�� she then said �Only If� YOU LET US GO FREE� I thought for a moment�after all�My wife was overweight�yes I loved her but�What was she to me? She would never serve me like these rats have�she would never fear me like they did�I looked around at their angry faces��Did�� They were still small, and there was a deciding factor�I could take them on�I could, ONLY IF I HAD ENOUGH STRENGTH�Enough strength to let out a fart of glory which would signal my power and show me the truth�If it was loud enough�it would mean I could take all of these little bastards on with what strength I had left�I pushed�and I pushed�my face turned red�The Elf Girl assumed I was in deep consideration�Suddenly I let it loose�The Sonic blast and ring of my methane release filled the air�the snow around my buttocks cleared�I could Do it�I had the strength�I said out loud �And you know what that means?� I rose the gun to the elf girls head�She screamed �ATTACK!!!!!�