Trusting in no one, in my inner loathing. Am I precious to you now?”- Nathanial Peter Quele Royale
It’s been two weeks. The minutes seem like hours, why have these weeks seemed like years? Has he destroyed more of me then I thought? I recoil from the slightest touch of anyone, what has he done to me? Why do I feel this inner shame, this fear of telling anyone? It’s not my fault! I trusted him, why must I be so trusting? Why must I always give in? Do I not have the strength to fight back? Or is it my will? Am I a coward? Do I really want what he does to me? Please spirits no, if I was such a monster why would you have saved me from my own demise? Or…was this their doing? No! Drefan almost broke my faith by planting seeds of doubt; I will not let him win. Although all of this, this is what he must have thought for so long. Why did his father hurt him? What had he done to deserve that, and why could he not fight back. Can you see what you have done to me Drefan? Never did I think I could feel anything but pity in my heart for you, but now I know longer know. See what you have done? You have taken a part of me I can never get back. I am so tired, my body barely can hold in my shame, my tears. You knew I would never be able to tell anyone, you-you bastard! You have me in tears again, why? Why do I let you do this to me? Thom, I want you here so badly, really I do. I do want your arms holding me tight my head against your heart. But, but I do not deserve your love. I cannot stand up for myself, such a burden I am to you. Slamming my head back now, I feel the dull pain flash as flesh impacts upon concrete. Why? My hand plucks a tomato as I sniffle, when did I plant you? So many thoughts swirling in my head, so confused, so very lost. I must have been five when I planted you, so very long ago that seems now. Rolling it between my fingers my eyes catch the glimpse of my wedding ring glinting on my ring finger. You left me with nothing; you stole my sanity, my love. I believed for so long my love for Thom was pure, was good but now you scream at me it is nothing more then a sickness in side of me clawing it’s way out. Give my love back to me! I turned then spiking the fruit at the concrete beside me beneath the stairs. See what you have done? Anger, anger and hatred that is what you have taught me, so tired, I can not fight any longer, as I shield myself from the juices of the tomato spraying over me. I need to get this out of me; I have to tell someone, but whom? Not the watch dogs that’s for certain, that would only be trouble. Now I cannot even trust those who I used to love so much, I trust my parents just as much as Drefan does…
Enough of my depression for now, their was another thing that happened today I have to talk about. I awoke this morning with a great fire in my shoulder. I gasped for breath sitting up feeling over my Pj clad shoulder. An intense heat emitted from the skin, so very sensitive to the touch, moving fabric away I looked upon the strange branding on my shoulder. At first I took it for another one of Drefan’s enchantments but no, this had to be much more. The symbols were those Drefan would never touch, and I vaguely remembered Reinn Anon telling me to watch for his symbol. Reinn Anon’s crown, lightening bolts of his twin brother Nanqa through it, the brothers the most powerful of the spirits were in war over me. One of them wished to claim me as their apostle, but why me? The spirit of wind and the breath of life was rival only by his twin the spirit of death and chaos. Was this news I could tell my family? I did not know I was so afraid of everyone now. I heard then my name called from the stairs above and crawled out of my hiding place looking up at Thom who stood in the back door. Thom had been looking for me it seemed; no I would not hide and lie.
“Coming,” I ran up the stairs then in my long nightgown opening the door and stepping inside.
“Hey love where have you been?” his worry was saddening to me for it was very evident in his green eyes.
“Just relaxing, thinking.”
Thom walked to me arms embracing, I could not help myself; I tensed looking up into very saddened eyes.
“Is it me?” Oh by the spirits no, not this.
“Have I hurt you so you fear my touch? Ever sense that night, I thought you had enjoyed yourself as I much as I had. But sense that morning you have shied away from my touch.”
Tears were welling in my eyes and could not stop them from flowing down my cheeks as I tried to think of a way to explain.
“No, please do not think that way, it’s not you. Never you!”
Seeing my already tear streaked face my love was puzzled, “If not me then who?”
He picked me up easily into his arms for I had been small enough and was now eating very little. Laying me down on the couch, I had not spoken yet for my fear was great. Enveloping me in his embrace I grimaced as my shoulder hurt so. He looked down at me a tear escaping an emerald green eye. Oh what have I done? I am so insensitive, so selfish!
“Oh Thom don’t cry, my love.”
“Do you still mean it? Those words?” I was shocked; Thom must have been in as much pain as I was the last few weeks being apart. Maybe more…
“I will always love you.”
He hugged me tighter then and I squeaked in pain from my branded shoulder, “What, what pain?” he pulled my sleeve away his eyes opening wide upon seeing the marking.
“You are an acolyte, a priest of the spirits. They have chosen you,” for a moment the sorrow was forgotten.
“We must tell our parents, this is amazing news.”
At that moment, as my parents have always had the best of timing entered the room, “We heard a voice in excitement Thom, what is it?”
“Nathanial is an acolyte, a priest chosen by the spirits!”
The shocked yet joyful looks on their faces only made me feel worse. How horrid I felt then, how low.
“This is grand news, no one has been chosen in centuries. I believed our little one to be born sick for a reason Linda; the spirits always have their reason. All priests live hard existences, do does our son.”
My mother enveloped me kissing my forehead, “You have made us proud.”
“Indeed son.”
My father was smiling at me taking me into his arms and did not notice my grimaces of pain. Why did I feel so guilty? None of this was my fault.
“I-I,” I stuttered no thought came of what to say.
“We must celebrate, come let us go and get out child a gift.”
“Come with us,” Thom asked of me hugging me from behind and again I grimaced, “I don’t know.”
“Please,” I turned to him as my parents laid a hand on Thom’s shoulder.
“Let him rest dear, he has had a trying day.”
Thom stood then as I lay back on the couch and leaned down trying to kiss me, “Rest Love.”
I turned away though starring at the far wall as he sighed and stood getting ready to go with the parents of both of us. Thom’s were told and they hugged me as well before they all left. I watched them leave and laid their sighing gently, what was wrong with me? I should be happy for the gods blessing. But I did not know if it was truly a blessing, it seemed so much more like a curse. Why did it hurt so much? Why had Nanqa also marked me if this was a blessing? It was just something else to make me different from everybody else in the world. I sat up looking to the basement with curiosity; Drefan had not come near me for the past two weeks. He is waiting for you to come to him, my conscience tells me. Well he will wait a while longer.
I stood up and the blanket they had covered me with dropped to the floor as I walked towards the backdoor wanting to relax once more in my secret place. Hearing the basement door open as I stood at the back door hand on the handle I stiffened, I did not need to look back for I knew Drefan was behind me as I walked down the concrete steps. I felt the grass between my toes and felt a little more comforted, I decided then to walk through the freshly cut grass and sit upon my swing set. Pushing back so I had my feet now in the air I pumped myself higher, leaning back in the swing I pumped upwards eyes closing, trying to forget the worlds existence. I knew then, the cords of metal, the cuffs about my wrists heating; Drefan watched me from the doorway probably as always hands on hips of leather pants and scowling at me. My eyes opened and looked to the door at the one standing there, a strange bemused expression dominating his features.
He looked confused, the bemused smile on his lips as he watched me swinging, “Are you at last peaceful?”
I wanted to unleash what I felt, what I had built inside. I was so resentful of him, so angry.
But yet I could not lie, “Yes.”
Why, why couldn’t I? I hated this! Jumping I let myself land on my knees in the soft yet un-cushioning grass. I heard the door open as pain lanced through my form. You see, I do not need you! I can do this myself! The pain I can cause on my own. Drefan picked me up into his arms, when he had flew down the stairs I know not, and sat back upon the lawn holding me.
“Little brat you are so foolish.”
My eyes opened though all was a haze of red in the pain of my legs from impact against the unyielding ground.
“You are the foolish one.”
Scowling he let me drop from his arms into the grass, “I can not touch you harmfully again till you are older, but that does not mean I can not harm you other ways.”
All I could do was listen as I tried to regain a sense of reality. Finally seeing straight, the world was no longer red.
“Do you hear me?”
“Yes,” I said turning to him, “I hear you.”
“Are you getting lippy with me?” a hand was raised a swear form his lips, “Fine, something else is in order.”
Squeaking I stumbled back onto my bottom covering my face with my hands, I stayed so for what seemed an eternity in anticipating fear.
Laughter, cruel mocking me I heard as I looked through my fingers, “Such a mouse with a serpents tongue, you disgust me. Like the rest of this family you speak but do not go through with your words. Your all pitiful cowards.”
My fear could not stop my anger, where had this emotion come from? I tried to calm myself my hands balling into fists coming to my sides. My longer then normal finger nails left indents in my palm as I tried to calm.
“Angry now?” flashing a white grin at me he took one of my fists in his hand.
I did not speak, I did not trust my tongue, I would not let this anger out. He uncurled my fingers; deep imprints bruising now in my palms.
Massaging my fingers and palms he watched me relax, “Feeling anger is not a bad thing, it means your living. All emotions were created by Poikar he saw that all was good. Why would it be bad to feel emotions that God created?”
How this man confused me, one moment he yelled at me the spirits weren’t real, now he tells me to believe? Did Reinn Anon put fear into him enough to believe?
“Then why did he create jealousy? Lust? Hatred?”
The closest thing I could say to a smile crossed Drefan’s lips as he answered me still massaging my hands, “Poikar is not perfect, his children are not either. The closest to perfect were his true children he created from nothingness, the spirits living with him in paradise. Those of earth, elves; the first-born are closest of us to perfection. But can you truly imagine a perfect world? There had to be mistakes, Poikar loved us enough to give us free will and in this we choose our course. The choices we make in the end are influenced by fate, but the steps we make to get there are our own.”
It made sense, strangely enough it did. He took up my other hand in his and began to massage this also but he stayed away from the wedding ring like poison.
“Let me teach you little one, let yourself believe, but do not do so blindly. I do not hate the spirits, nor God for what has happened to me, I just wish that this injustice were not upon me. It is human to want not to suffer Nathan, and I am very human. You see Nathan, this scar,” he picked up my sleeve and gently touched it though the stiffness through his body; I could see it caused him pain.
“This scar, it means they are pleased with you. Honor them with knowledge and truth.”
How had he come upon my scar? How did he know of it? Were we all that loud speaking of it this morning?
“Alright,” this I could agree to, he did not wish to stop my faith, and he rubbed my scar gently.
“We are all gods children, mere puppets in a greater destiny.”
Moving up from my scar I watched him nervously as he caressed my cheek.
“Feel the anger, feel the hatred, after all I have done to you what do you truly feel?”
Searching eyes, he really wanted to know, or at least he seemed to.
“Confusion, I feel very confused. I do not want to hate you.”
Tears were in my eyes, I would and could not break again, not in front of this man, “But you have destroyed everything I have ever known? Why?”
The soft fingers on my cheeks , the cold blue eyes looking into my own as tears did indeed leak down my cheeks.
“Because I will not have you become them. Have faith Nathan, believe highly,. But do not do so blindly. Do not be so cold hearted, show what you really feel. These tears, they make you who you are. Grief will never be a bad thing, so why is hatred? Hatred in itself is not a bad thing, it is the actions caused from that emotion that is.”
He leaned forward and kissed my tear stained cheeks and for one moment, that one moment I swore I saw loving child, a pained and tormented child that was within this man.
“I hate what you do to me, not you.”
“Yes, I do not hate you little one, I hate what our parents have made of you. I hate what they have taught you, how they married you to Thom.”
“How can you love your own brother in such a way?”
I was still trembling as he continued to caress my cheeks, “It is unearthly yes, but we do not choose whom we love, whom we lust for. Is Love not above our comprehension? It is a power even above the spirits who are children of the great picture created by Poikar in the very beginning. Why is it then if this power is strong that it can be wrong? What is wrong in love Nathan? You see from this, I do hate my father, not for his love, or even his lust for me, but the fact that he cannot control it. He did not keep it hidden as I have. He hurt me instead, I will never do that to my brother, I love him and in that I will not cause him harm. I try to free you because you are young still and have always been different; you have the love of pain, the powers of darkness. Thom is so like them, my blind little love.”
I understood then his reasoning, Drefan made so much sense. It was hard to accept though, all my life’s teachings being turned away. He watched me in my inner turmoil; my emotions easily read I knew upon my features.
He pulled me back into his lap then, “Tell Thom. You must tell someone, even if it earns me their or even his hatred.”
I jerked in his embrace looking up in shock, he wanted me to tell Thom of his grievances against me?
“I couldn’t,” my allegiance now had shifted from my protectors to my abuser. How obscene, the world was turning upside down.
He watched me a grin to his lips, he could not smile in kindness, he had lost that ability eons ago but this grin was close enough for me.
Fingers ran through my hair, “You should be innocent, you deserve ignorance. But you will never be again, nor have such luxuries again. Then do not tell him, it does not matter to me.”
I knew what he was telling me, he was sorry for all I had been through; he was also trying to thank me in his own way.
A yawn escaped me, he chuckled a cruel sound though, “Time to sleep, take advantage of the watch dogs being out. Once they get back this place will turn into hell with their celebrations.”
Nodding my consent he carried me inside and to my room’s door, “You are losing weight, you need to eat. Have I scared you so much and shamed you so you do not wish to?”
I nodded forgetting for a few sleepy moments whose arms I was in digging my face into his chest. He chuckled rolling blue eyes kicking open my door at my room and laid me upon my bed.
“Eat you will when you awake, I will make certain of that. Sleep well little slave,” he whispered kissing my brow pulling blankets to my throat.
I rolled onto my side towards the wall nuzzling into my pillow whispering back, “No slave, free.”
I do not know what reaction that got from Drefan but I heard the door close softly so it could not have been that bad. And I slept.
I slept for hours, waking later the house still silent. Where was everyone? Surely they would be back by now with all those supposed gifts and wanting to be merry and celebrate? Stretching in my bed I listened for any sounds, where even was Drefan? He was there earlier; I remember we had spoken outside. Sitting up I tried to stand but my knees were very sore from that land in the grass.
“Drefan?” I called out as I managed to get to the top of the stairs.
“Down here little thing,” he called back, the sound distant, he was in his room.
Walking slowly down the steps keeping a tight grip on the railing, my knees hurt horribly as I managed the stairs. Taking a deep breath at the bottom I listened again and I heard nothing, not even Drefan. I walked the same way in pain to his doorway; he was lying on his bed eyes closed arms across his bare chest where I had not noticed before, old knife marks. I walked still slowly towards his side, an eye opened straying up at me, I gulped.
“Awake are we?” he stretched that one eye starring up at me, so disorientating.
I nodded and fingers strayed forward to touch an old what appeared to be knife mark upon his chest and I could feel the muscles where I touched stiffen. He beckoned me to sit then and I did so though my fingers did not leave his chest, they feather light trailed over to other scars making a map of his pains.
“Interesting are they?” he asked a coy smile to his lips his other eye opening though both seemed a little hazy. He rubbed the sleepy haziness from his eyes with the back of his hand, which made him for a moment seem very human indeed, like a child.
As I was now starring into his eyes which was something I never did he grunted and answered my unasked question, “Meditating.”
I nodded and answered his question softly, “They look painful, or at least they look like they were painful.”
“Yes they were when father did them to me, one for every time I screamed, he would have to clamp his hand over my trap and grab the knife from beside the bed. Though really I do not believe you need this information to add to your nightmares Nathan.”
“Wasn’t my only nightmare caused by you, or at least of you’re concocting? I wish to help you, I know you are bitter and that is because no one understands. No one would care if you told them, and no one would believe. But Drefan, I believe you; there is always a reason for someone’s insanity and there is a reason behind yours.”
“Very well,” Drefan sat up a little pushing up onto the maroon silk pillows behind his back.
He took in a deep breath and I waited curling my legs under me sitting cross-legged upon the bed.
“It all started, at least of the times I remember when I was five. My memory before then I do not know, it is black. I know that is strange but there is nothing, I see photos of me as I child and it is one still moment I can put in my blackness but nothing more. I suppose if their was a trauma in my life then my mind would have wanted to save me from it and ‘deleted’ it. I will not go into great detail of what father did Nathan, for you can easily imagine with the experience that I and Thom have given you. Though their was not much he could do to me then, for I was a little boy after all. It started getting much worse years later, when I hit puberty and my life at school was hell. My bedroom was my refuge from the outside world, which I wanted to murder. I had taken even then to cutting myself and my father every time he saw a new one would slap me. It actually gladdened me to see him that mad, I was destroying the thing he loved so much to hurt, so of course I would do it again and again. Favorite place I would cut would be along my thighs and hips for even though my father did hit me and cut me sometimes he was a gentle man if you call forcing your son gentle. He would not touch me their when I was sensitive from the cuts and instead would do other things which I came to think of as worse. I could not get away from it, the shame he gave me. I knew then at a young age I was gay, I knew it and it did not help with what father did to me. Raping me would not have been that bad Nathan, but he humiliated me, shamed me, he made certain he not only got pleasure but I did as well. I sobbed and sobbed, I cried till I could no longer. For what was the point of crying when you knew that your family had abandoned you and the gods hated you? I could tell no one, my father whispered in my ears that social workers, beasts of the outside world would come tear our family apart if I ever breathed a word to my school. I to had been brainwashed as a child into believing that the outside world was evil and deceiving, and I thought that I could not exist on my own if I ran away. So I stayed and put up with it all, but it would end, I would not put up with everything. When Thom had been born I had cried the hardest that night, for he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Such innocence in his eyes that would soon turn to bitterness and hate like mine, I would not let that happen Nathanial. I swore on his birth that I would protect him from my father, and I have. I have sacrificed everything to protect him, I began doing the dark arts for him do you believe that?”
He stopped for a moment then in question trying to take a reign on his emotions, I did believe it now, I did. I was once again in tears, they leaked down over my porcelain cheeks like a china doll as I nodded.
Drefan smiled at me, I could see wetness at the back of his eyes and my fingers caressed of their own free will a tanned cheek, “Go on Dreffy.”
“I knew then as I first did a spell of necromancy that I had sold everything for the life of my brother, my soul even. Because we as humans with elven heritage, we have a chance in the after life to be reborn once visiting the Halls of Mourning. I knew I had given that up, I had practiced the forbidden arts and in doing so sold myself to Nanqa, but even now Nathan it is fair trade. I told that bastard when I moved out to collage if he laid a hand even in any sexual or hurtful way on Thom I would know. I had my own spells on Thom and still do, though they are weaker now because I have not activated them in so long. He wears a golden chain around his neck a gift from me and I had him promise never to take it off, and he has not. It is my eyes and ears when I am not here, so I could make certain he was all right. Thus far my father has behaved and kept his dirty hands to himself not touching Thom again sense he was four. I would like to keep that way.”
“Tell Thom of your father now, show him the scars as proof. He will understand better why you are whom you are.”
“Yes but instead of him just hating me he will hate father. I do not want him to have to remember, to endure the nightmares I do of the things he went through in his past. I’d rather his hatred with ignorance intact.”
I felt sad and my hand which had been caressing his cheek dropped and he took it up in his own starring down at it for a moment. I was getting concerned and tried to pull it back.
“No fear, I will not hit you, what I teach is not only pain. Do you understand?” he cocked a brow rubbing now over my long nails.
“Yes I-I understand,” Drefan now held tightly to both of my hands.
“After years of securing my brothers love, he hates me.”
“That Is because of me,” I whispered squeezing Drefan’s hands back.
“Yes little one, but there is not much to be done about that. Tell him of what I have done to you,” he spoke this as he leaned forward caressing my brow with his lips.
“It will hurt me little one,” he for a moment was unlike I had ever knew him before, uncertainty showing as he chewed on a bottom lip, “May I kiss you?”
I was shocked and it registered upon my face and his coy smile came back to light up his eyes with amusement.
“I-I-,” I did not answer but leaned forward gently caressing Drefan’s lips with my own and coming away quickly curling my shoulders up to protect my face in fear. Drefan licked his lips thoughtfully a moment starring away beyond me out the door of his room and shook his head.
“Go, go to Thom’s room. Wait for him their, pray, then tell him what I have done to you. You will need all the spirits courage to do so.”
I looked up between my arms and nodded sneaking up and kissing his lips brushing again and whispered, “Thank you for asking this time.”
Drefan rolled eyes all uncertainty gone, “Go, we both need to pray, get going.”
He pushed me from the bed and I laughed as I barely caught myself before falling into a heap on the floor and managed even in my state to get to Thom’s room. Opening the sable blue door I looked to the windowsill where a white candle flickered in the slight breeze coming from the opening. This candle always burned, there was such a candle in every room in the house, burning for the spirits and God. T’was an outlet for prayer, a light to follower if you died in your sleep showing you the way to The Halls of Mourning. I walked to it and bowed before the small white candle and whispered my beginning prayers in elvish making certain I included Poikar, Reinn Anon and his mate the Kindler of all light Sila Vor. I then even in my pain bent onto my knees and made it so my head touched the floor palms out touching the wall before me where the windowsill lay. I prayed.
Hours later it seemed I was found this my bones aching as my mind wondered in deep meditation and prayer.
Thom took off his coat calming down after finding me having been I would find out been searching for sometime, Drefan being no help. The coat he laid on the bedpost, kneeing down beside me and for a moment joined me in prayer. He then so very thankful he had found me in one piece enveloped me in his strong arms. I do not even resist this time knowing it was coming and I was very exhausted and even more distressed now then this morning. He held me to him whispering calming words in his ears as he could feel the stiffness of my muscles. I had been praying, trying to find an answer what was right. What should I do? Tell Thom the truth and lose all the respect and love they had for Drefan or lie again to my beloved?
“What is wrong?”
I did not speak my emotions still churning in my stomach, should I tell him? What am I to do?”
“Little darling please,” I finally cricked my sore neck up to look at him as he begs me.
“D-Drefan hurt me,” I answered eyes overflowing with tears as they strayed to the doorway. Drefan stood their cloaked in shadows nodding to me arms crossed his eyes full of support for me.
“You are doing the right thing, be comforted where I can not be.”
He disappeared back into the shadows as I burst then into sobs; life was so unfair!
“Dreffy,” I called out into Thom’s chest my fists beating against him in my pity and anger.
Thom took my face into his hands turning my face to his own, “How? Where?” he did not even have to ask when, he could guess. For it was when I became so fearful of his touch.
“He-he tried to-to,” I can’t! Dreffy please, I can’t!
The voice compelled me, was it Drefan’s voice I heard, was this a good thing. Why did he want me to tell Thom? I didn’t want to!
“It’s alright, I will protect you from him. Tell me you will be alright now.”
Protect me from him? I no longer needed protection from him; it was our parents I feared. Though really whom did I need protection from? I no longer knew.
Thom was looking at me with those emerald green eyes I had once adored, what had happened? Dark almost cynical blues were taking their place. Thom was getting worried now, what was I to say? Who now did I owe my loyalty and my trust?
“Tis best for us all my little freed slave.”
I began again at those words, which were the kindest and closest thing to an endearment that Drefan had ever called me, to cry.
Forgive me please, I called out into the night wanting, wishing for Drefan to hear.
“There is nothing to forgive, you are doing what I have asked, nothing more.”
“He tri-tried t-to e-enter m-me with hi-his fingers,” I had never stuttered so bad before but it was hard to make myself say it.
My eyes took in something I had never seen before, anger on my beloved’s face. I had never seen such emotion cross my precious Thom’s face before. He kissed me then but I could not return it, I was no longer worthy. I was tainted and I did not know if my love for Thom was true anymore. Coming back from the kiss he believed I had not returned from despair.
Wiping my tears away he watched me, “Has he touched you again?”
No, I would not tell of our forbidden kisses, this was asking to much. Ah! The insanity, my mind was so confused.
“It is your choice now, you have done as I have asked.”
“No,” I whispered and began to sob, what have I done?
“Then let us sleep,” I was unresisting though I had no wish to be held that night as he carried me to his bed. Laying down he curled up around me holding me close as I began to cry silently, wishing instead for someone else’s arms to be holding me.
“Good night.”
No, it was not and I believe would never be a good night again.
