FIVE

Feeling like a Fool inside. All I need is to be loved just for me… -Nathanial Peter Quele Royale

Moaning gently eyes opened the streetlight giving a slight hue to all objects within my room as I awakened. I pushed my face into my silky soft tresses, oh so wonderful. My fingers caressed my own shoulder length hair, my own how strange that sounded. I turned with a smile laying on my tummy my face against my pillow. How did I become so lucky? My family loved me so much; all was well except one thing. Feeling my neck for the mark, it no longer burned but it was still very sensitive. Why had James hurt me? Was he starved? Or was it about what he had talked about? Was he trying to help with the pain? Rubbing my cheek against the pillow I chewed on my bottom lip starring at my white washed walls. But why then if this was such a wonderful day did I feel so lonely? I remembered the week before at the doctors.

“Nathanial’s gone into recession Mr. Quele,” the hospital doctor delivered the bad news as I sat on the hospital bed in a gown.
Father looked back at me in question and I had whimpered, father knew my thoughts on the treatment. I hated being there, the place of germs and illness. It was uncomfortable, lonely and scary, I wanted to go home and be with my family.
“Alright, I know what you want Nathan, and we were fighting hoping, praying for a chance for you. But the Gods seem to have a different plan, why they let you live such a short life I do not know. We are not supposed to know. We will stop with the treatments, Nathan can stay with us at home till the time comes.”
I smiled, I did not fear dieing, quite the opposite, The Halls of Mourning were waiting for me, I wished to be reborn and start again a new life.

But if the Leukemia was surfacing again then I did not have a lot of time, I knew I was doomed to a short life but I did not wish to die this young. I wished to spend more time with my Thom. I whimpered and sat up swinging my legs over the side of the bed. It had been so hot in the house it being July, Papa had undressed me when I had fallen asleep against him and laid me in bed. Standing I slipped on my dark blue housecoat, would Thom be angry if I crawled into bed with him? I just don’t want to be alone…

Opening the sable blue door I stood in its doorway, Thom was so wonderful to me. I could ask anything of him, what would I do without him? Had I ever thanked him? So many thoughts, flashes of the kisses we had shared only a month ago, he had done nothing like that again though. Was he scared? Well I was young, but that did not matter if he loved me. Looking at my love that was sprawled asleep bare chested in the glimmering moonlight I tipped toed in, standing over my freckled pouty-lipped love I knew what I had to do, not how but what. He was a teenager, what had Drefan said?
“He has not touched you yet? If you were mine I would prove it!”
Prove it? Touch me? Fingers ventured towards the moon-graced chest, touch him, show him your love. Prove it…

Eyes of emerald green opened blinking away a layer of sleep, “Nathanial?” the voice croaked from sleep filled dreams.
Fingers continued over the pink nipple as Thom’s eyes cleared completely, “I’m lonely, I’m sorry I woke you, Please I-,” he stopped me with a finger to my quivering lips.
“Of course you can sleep in bed with m, today was a very exciting day although,” pushing upright Thom sat up, “I am bare beneath here as you can tell. T’was to hot to wear p.j’s.”
The blanket had dropped draping his stomach, “It has been long sense you have seen me thus. Do not want you to feel uncomfortable.”
Prove your love…
“It’s okay I love you Thom.”
Blushing, for I had no clue what I was doing but was going to do it whatever it was none the less, my hands came to the ties of my house coat. “I am bare under here as well.”

Did I believe in fate? Did I believe that even though I was eight years old and knew nothing of what I was doing that part of me deep within just knew? Yes, I was doing what seemed right, what seemed natural, and it had worked. It had been awhile sense Thom had seen my body as well, no longer did I need help bathing or dressing. Turning away trembling in my insecurities I walked to the standing mirror looking in at myself and Thom watching me from the bed. Opening my housecoat my eyes were distracted by the silver chains upon my wrists, no more then mere bracelets they felt like so much more. They seemed oddly to me to be emitting a black darkness, what did it mean?
“You are own, mine, my prisoner.”
Words from Drefan’s lips when the bracelets he put about my wrists, what did these strange things mean? Enough, it was not time to worry about Drefan, for one night he would not be in my thoughts. He would not scare me, hut me, and dictate the path of my life. Letting my housecoat fall to the floor my eyes looked up at myself in the mirror. I hope I was not shaming myself, for upon my body were many bruises, not of Drefan’s doing just normal life. I was anemic; a common thing among children with Leukemia, and every bump bruised me. My child’s body shook in fear as Thom stood the blanket falling from the bed to his feet. I looked from myself to him, the teenage young man standing there…so different, so very beautiful.

“My love,” Thom whispered stepping from the bundled blankets towards me.
He noticed the one thing I had forgotten, fingers brushing over the scar tissue of my first cut, “I do not want to see you hurt, never ever again,” so much emotion in those green orbs.
My eyes sprinkled tears over my white face, “I know that Thom but sometimes hurting is not a bad thing.”
Thom smiled at me in sympathy brushing his lips against mine, never would my love understand this.
I wrapped my arms around Thom’s waist holding close, “I love you, let me prove it.”
Thom looked down at me with wonder and confinement filled green eyes, “What do you mean by that? My love I-,” I kept hugging him feeling finally he returning the embrace.
I pushed back gently looking my icy blue eyes with his green. I finally pushed him back against the bed his eyes wide on mine as he finally sat on the edge. “Nate?” the questioning eyes held bewilderment and fear.
Slowly and gently I laid him back guiding him onto the pillows and crawled up onto of him, although at this point my anxiety returned. I did not know how I wished to do this, but I had to, I had never done anything for him before.
“I’m ready to prove my love for you Thom.”
“Prove it? My love you have nothing to prove, I know you love me, and I know your feelings are strong.”
Laying my head my cheek on his chest, “ I do not have a lot of time left in this world Thom, I have been unable to tell you, to prove to you my love in-in adult ways.”
Thom’s eyes opened wider, more so then I thought they possibly could, “How do you know of what you speak? Has-has Drefan touched you?”
“No! No, Drefan does not touch me that way, he knows I am your, only yours.” Thom smiled at those words reassured, “But you are so young, I do not want to destroy the experience for you.”
“How can it be destroyed when it otherwise would not be?”
Thom bit his lip showing for the first time uncertainty, understanding where I was coming from. He let his eyes rove over me as I was spread above him.
“Oh by the spirits you are so young love, please just promise me this is not to prove anything, this is just out of love.”
“Never, it’s out of love, I promise you,” how much I wished to please him, make him happy with me.
My love began to move his fingers eyes always-on mine rubbing over my back massaging, kneading my muscles. My eyes strayed shut, this was nice, this feeling my fingers brushing against pink nipples. Feeling suddenly his hand cup my butt cheek I took a deep breath scrunching my eyes shut. I did not know what to except at all. Thom continued his ministrations and I heard a slight moan, was that my love? Eyes opening I caught his eyes closing, it must have been, what did I do?
He smiled at my innocent confused expression, “I like you touching me sweetie, my chest,” he was blushing even more then me, his face going the color of his hair.
Nodding I continued slowly with my fingers still so uncertain, over his chest as Thom’s fingers moved to my thighs. Never had I felt like this before, Thom slowly grabbed my hips and turned me over so he lay atop. Lying beneath him he kissed my lips, not hard but not our normal brushes either. I kissed back trying with my shaking small fingers to return the feelings he was granting me. Feeling hands run down over my sides I smiled, it all felt just so good. Thom seeing me smile kissed me again just as I felt fingers caress an area I had never touched before. My eyes opened wider as the strange feelings washed over me, and my breathing hitched. It was not uncomfortable, just so strange.
Thom eyed me worriedly as he came back from the kiss, “Ready?”
I nodded not really knowing what I was getting ready for, but willing to try anything with him. Thom knew what he was doing, and I trusted him. I jerked beneath him with a cough my breathing hard now as he began to move fingers up and down. What was this, it felt so wonderful!
Thom laughed at my shocked happy innocent expression, “How could I ever love another? You are far to perfect.”
My breathing was shallow at this point a strange pressure building within me, and I finally let go unable to keep going.
Thom brought strong arms around me after I stopped shaking, “Your so young my love, what have I done?”
I did not know of what he worried about then, but of course I was eight years old, I had not come. I would not, not till years later, my body was not old enough to function that way yet. Thom kissed my cheeks when enough of my strength returned to look him in the eyes. My fingers moved exploring down his thighs finally coming to that secret place where he had touched me. I wished so much to return those feelings, I was scared though, and I did not know what to do. Though upon looking into Thom’s green eyes I was not half as scared as he, why was he scared of me?
“N-not righ-right now,” I had never heard him so scared, what had happened to him?
“Your not ready yet, we have some time ahead of us to learn together, no worries.”
I nodded seeming thankful laying my head back on the pillows, I was no longer scared, I was worried. He rolled off of me hugging me to his chest as I closed my exhausted eyes. I heard Thom begin to sing, the sound of an elvish lullaby. Slowly even in my worry his voice lulled me to sleep.