Thurs, Sept 27/01 10:37pm
I believe I'm starting to be accepted into the monkey culture around me. Strange.
On another note, I'm doing it again. Finding the safety of affection in having a big stupid crush on someone who I know isn't going to be interested in me. If you haven't heard of this concept before, well, it's something I find myself doing fairly often, really. See, girls... I'm paranoid about 'em. I just think they want to jerk me around. Yet, I have unparalelled bundles o' love and warmth in me that I have nowhere to project. So I just crush on some chick that's either already attached or I know has a dislike for me, and that kind of fixes everything. I can still care without the painful other crap. It's weird, and sort of win-win. Sort of. I mean, I don't get any of the good stuff, but I don't get any of the bad. It's like a channelling, I guess... like this whole page. Another instrument of survival in a harsh world, one could say. But yeah, just fyi, that's pretty much what's up with me now. Beh.
Sat, Sept 22/01 1:33am
I almost lost it tonight. I don't know, frustration about certain things has just been building and building, and tonight's mindlessness and whores at the campus bar... and the couples slopping all over each other... it made me quite sick and angry. And I know it's just because I'm not getting any myself, but that doesn't make it any less taxing on my spirit. I'm tired of girl crap though, that's the thing. I aint about to start chasing some girl who doesn't want to be caught again, FUCK that.
What the fuck is THIS now?! Has Conan changed his set into something ridiculous looking since I've been in North Bay?! This is the first time I've seen it since I got here... and it looks like crap! Aww fuck...
God, I don't know what the fuck is up anymore. More and more it seems people can see me when I'm on invisible mode on ICQ. Oh yeah, the whole mode's just fucking useless as my dick.
But couples... FUCK. I see another kissy, lovey, affectionate couple and I'm going to lose it.
Fri, Sept 21/01 1:19am
I just rewrote my about me section. Seems to be lacking something, though I'm not fully sure what. Oh well. I might figure it out, I might not.
So OSAP still hasn't come to visit. I took $20 out today, leaving myself with $47 in the bank, and probably another $50 on my credit card. Geez. That needs to last at least two weeks. I don't doubt I can stretch it out, I'd just rather not have to, you know?
Mon, Sept 17/01 10:19am
Okay. Well, I got up late today. Fucking imagine that... I get up at 9:45 and it's too late for me to get to school for my last class because I ride the fucking bus for an hour and a half. Brutal. Just brutal.
Fuck, could really go for a slice right now, be it of girl or pizza.
Fri, Sept 14/01 4:26pm
(opening moral to the story: Silence is golden, never forget that.)
Hooray hooray for school. Olive-skinned girl was there today. She wasn't on the bus, so initially I was let down, and when I saw someone who looked like her (from the back, with her hair down) I thought... 'could it be?' Lo and behold, it was. So we talked for a bit, and I tried to make up for my standoffish behaviour on Monday. And yeah, things seemed to go much better. What did we talk about... umm, local shows... DK... Rancid... Warped... yeah, that was the part where she slipped in 'yeah, my boyfriend wasn't big on Rancid so he let me sit on his shoulders'. Oh. I... see. Fuck. And you never know if that's actual, or just a chick sliding a 'keep off' in there. Makes me really miss Nice n' Crazy, my Kingdom girls. Fuck, it'd be so nice to bust out and cut a couple of rugs tonight. Hopefully we'll make it out to this keg party I'm hearing about.
But school. I don't know what it was, everyone today was so fucking irritating! Know it alls and jerks and snotty bitches and old hags! More on that later though, I gotta take a dump and go out for a cigar.
Wed, Sept 12/01 1:25pm
Yeah yeah, I'm back at school. For full details about that, try this.
Breaking news: A) I have dishes! Plates n' bowls n' cups! Yeah!
and B) I worked myself up over absolutely nothing today. All the way to school on the bus (not the one I wanted to take, I wanted the one with Oliveskinned Girl but I got up late) I'm working myself up to be brave and overcome my fear of people, and I had it beat, I was all ready to talk to her and apologize for my retardation on Monday and just explain that I'm a shy bastard (not in those exact words) and she wasn't there at all!! I was SO primed, I could have straight facedly told her I wanted to fuck her in the cafeteria in front of everyone, much less the more urgent truth of my affliction with the shyness... and she wasn't there! So, distraught, here I am, back at home eating a bag of sour cream doritos with mixed satisfaction. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow... though she wasn't at school *last* Thursday (she was last Wednesday), I can hope. Gah.
Time for some Baldurs Gate.
Sat, Sept 1/01 3:44am
Damn, yo! It's like they sent all the defectively made women (the ones that like me) out to the Kingdom tonight! You know you're having a good time when the women start trying to cut in on you, yeehaw! And my two regular ladies were there, as devastatingly sexy as usual... and making fun of every other guy who approached them that wasn't me! Mm'mm good! Dammit, I'm going to miss Nice n' Crazy, as I've dubbed them in my head. Especially Crazy, yum. Why oh why must they always leave so early? Take A Look Around had just started and they had to leave... I was going to show them a thing or two... well, in return for being shown a... thing or two, heh. What a great night at the Kingdom, best one in recent memory, although tomorrow I'm going to be sore-er than any other time in recent memory. For some reason I get the feeling I'm going to wake up and feel like I'm in a body cast. My back especially, yikes.
Moving day on Sunday morning, yip-fucking-eee. I still don't want to go. Like I've been saying, I've found myself a good comfortable groove... I want to stay in it. 'Moving forward'? Bah. But it has to be done, so I'm told. Fucking ace, this is. Saying goodbye to Catherine and then just a little while ago Matt... ugh, what am I doing? I've finally got what I was working towards... and now what? Smash it all to pieces, start over. And it's not like anything here will be the same when I get back, I'll be smashing whatever I make in North Bay to come back to a ruins here in Brantford.
Ehn, save this depressing/irritating shit for tomorrow when I'm packing. Tonight was about the women. The screwed up women who thought they wanted me for some reason. Screwjobs.