Thurs, May 31/01 6:22pm
Aww, poor Evil-lyn. Her and her boyfriend are on the outs, it seems. The guy cheated on her, the poor thing. Makes me mad and sick and ill and disgusted. She's such a nice little young 'un, it's a shame she's stuck with a loser like Paul. She said today that she missed me yesterday, since we didn't have rehearsal, and could have used some of my world famous hugs. Well, she'll get 'em on Sunday at rehearsal at the church, that's for sure. I think if Murray pays me back for the gas I put in the van I might pick her up some flowers too. Poor girl.
Thurs, May 31/01 12:10am
Every pre-teen with a pouty face and a half assed beef about how fat they are has a fucking webpage. And not just a web page, but their own fucking DOMAIN. I'm been turning over the whole domain idea in my head for probably two years, wondering wondering. In some ways I've actually been hoping some of my more ignorant writings would attract the attention of some geocities nazis and get me kicked out. But since I haven't saved most of my pages in... oh, quite some time, that might be bad. Because they'd probably just send me a nice cordial email about how they deleted me 5 minutes ago, tough luck, kid. I still say shit like Blogger and whatever the hell else these kids are using should be fucking outlawed. All looks, no content, yeah that's the flavour. Well fuck, it shouldn't be a surprise, check out this society we have going? Ugh, now I feel dirty for saying 'society'. Fuck, I might as well be cursing out 'The Man'!
So shit's been nice, and don't think I aint DAMN grateful. The father's been back to work since... yesterday/Tuesday. Geez, that's surprising in a way, it feels like he's been gone longer with all the relief I've been feeling at his absence. I think I may finally be getting back on track. Gettin' back to the good life, like the weezer song says. Hmn, I think I'll switch to weezer once I'm finished with this garbage disc I have on. But yeah, ding dong the old man's dead, here I am with smiles and joy penetrating inside me. It's a wonderful feeling, being on your own. One that I've obviously been ignorant of for too long. I come home... to nothing. Nothing! And I LOVE IT! L-O-V-E IT! There's only a couple of invasions left that my dad's been able to intrude on. I did come home today to a message streaked in the dust on my tv screen, 'dirty Johnny'. Invasion of privacy, I'm going to have to put something personal of his in my asscrack and walk around for that. And then there's the phone calls. He called 3 times tonight, of which I answered none. He always leaves the same message on the answering machine... "Johnny? (pause) Mary? (pause) Is anyone there? (pause) It's just me... calling home... anyone there? Well, okay, Mary, you wanted me to call and I'm calling... well, bye." And if I were to answer, it'd simply be a replay of questions, over and over. Did you do this, did you do that, did you eat did you did you did you. Fuck that. He can irritate me on the weekend, the weeknights belong to ME now. The thing that really bothers me though is when on his message he says, "Mary?". Why does he do that? Does she still have a key? I witnessed him taking her keys away from her and keeping them when he kicked her out. Did he give them BACK? Am I going to wander in here some night after work and find her sitting in her staring chair all pissed up? It raises a question from last night too... at 5:00am, which seems to be becoming her witching hour, I heard her. She was back... again. She was drunk, and wouldn't talk, so really, I heard my dad. She just sat in a chair and wouldn't move, wouldn't talk. I can only imagine the way she was staring at my dad. He couldn't get her out of the chair, couldn't get her out of the house, hell... couldn't even get her to go to bed upstairs. She just sat there... at first. Then it really started. Same old crap, same old crap. Except this time there was something else. Something about medication and dying and such. She was making a marvelous scene, oh yes. All the dramatics you could ask for out of a drunken moron. I realize everytime I speak of her I refer to her in derogitory terms, and that may perhaps desensitize someone to her idiocy. I don't just call her an idiot because I don't like her, I call her an idiot because she IS ONE. A BIG one. So I think the capper to her morning/evening show (and no, she WON'T be here all week, folks) was when she started doing the Lords prayer. Seems last night her big fear was dying from something. At the height of dramatics, she breaks into stunning verse...
"...if I should die before I wake..."
"Oh shut UP! I have to WORK tomorrow!"
"...I pray the Lord my soul do take..."
"Go to fucking BED already!"
Judas Priest. Then she finally stomps up the stairs...
"Why the hell do you have to stomp up the damn stairs? You want everyone awake?!"
"Everyone WHO?!"
"Johnny!"
...and then she actually stops stomping... sits in bed a while (I assume) and then wanders back down the stairs for rounds 3-7 of arguing and being a retarded wonder of the world.
So my question is this... how the fuck did she get in the house to begin with? And I'll tell you this... I aint letting her in. Not for anything. It's like inviting a fucking vampire in your house. If I can be sneaky about it, I will. So I just wouldn't answer the door. I don't care if she's come to get her stuff or come to tell of the 2nd coming. She can fucking rot out there. I have a good view out the front window, I can see people before they see me if I'm in my room. If I'm in the living room and she can see me, fuck it, I'll just ignore the bitch as she pounds on the door.
Bought a shirt on ebay. Hooray for me, I say.
Mon, May 28/01 2:22am
I sheared the majority of my hair off half an hour ago. I don't need to buy clippers for a while now. I just beat off, someone made a positive comment in my guestbook, I'm listening to the Bloodhound Gang and I'm just about to frag some jerks in Unreal until G vs. E comes on tv. Yes, I am feeling better, even if I didn't go out with Joel, Ken or Doug.
PS: The trick is to keep breathing. Fuck, it was so obvious, wasn't it?!
Sun, May 27/01 6:12pm
I slipped in a new subsection under my 'daily' area. 'Unjustifiable' is just a truly random collection of... well, junk that doesn't fit anywhere else. Right now it's just a couple of lines of personal philosophy, but I don't know what might fit there in the future. Next it may be... paragraphs! Uh oh!
So it's been a week sans-Boots. I guess I have to add her to the ex section soon. Sometimes I relish doing that and sometimes I don't. I'm not sure how I feel about it this time. My feelings probably just stem from the disgusting way things have went down with her, because it's just so damned TYPICAL.
My dad is fucking obsessed with Riverfest here in Brantford. You go to Riverfest? You know what's at Riverfest? Isn't Riverfest on tonight? Shut up! There'll be no more about Riverfest!!
I hung out with Joel today for the first time in a while. He tells me I can get good clippers for $25, which isn't bad. I might even pick that up next week. It'd help to cheer me up, that's for sure. Hell, maybe I can get Doug to buzz me tonight, I think he has clippers too. I'm going to end up going out with him tonight to rehearse some songs, but I'd rather go out with Ken and Joel for a beer. It looks like there might not even be a 'big show' for us to play at now, since Ken is moving out on Thursday rather than on the weekend... so I don't see the point, really.
Oh great, now my dad's hooked the record player up to his stereo in the dining room. Fanfuckingtastic. Shitty, grainy music at the dinner table while I'm eating pasta. This should be good.
Thurs, May 24/01 10:59pm
I started the day in a rut, and I'm ending it the same way. I can't believe I even managed to get out of bed today. It was fucking hard, let me tell you. I spent the day at the theatre scraping paint off door and window frames with a fucking putty knife. What was Murray doing? Errands for his daughter. She's hot. I'll be working with her at summer camp, providing I'm there to work too. She asked me today what exactly she'd be doing... hopefully not the crap I was subjected to doing for the day, and I said no, you'll be working with kids and doing what I tell you to. She didn't seem to have a problem with that. Good.
I'm starting to realize my distress over the likely loss of Boots. I just feel like I didn't even get a chance, yet again. Fuck.
I was over at Dougs tonight rehearsing. At first it was good, then it was bad, then it was good again when we went off into a massive jam for like a half hour. Then I came back here and I felt the Boots distress. Like the Dirtmonster said last night, 'when it rains it pours'. And now my chest is acting up again. And I'm hungry.
Wed, May 23/01 11:43pm
Oh, how was my day? Well...
Wed, May 23/01 3:36am
So I fell asleep around 10:30 with the plan of being asleep until 10 tomorrow morning. I woke up over an hour ago and can't seem to get back to sleep, dammit. Why bother? I guess I forgot to mention that in my Taco Bell haze earlier tonight. Work, that's why. Well, really it's more like 'work'. More like me cheating the government, for now anyhow. 'Work' started today at 1:30. I basically just puttered around with Murray for the afternoon, then took the theatre van home around 4:30 and out to Bell. Payment for 'work', however, started on Monday at 9:00. I'll manage to wander into the theatre tomorrow around 11ish I figure, I'll do a little story writing for the newsletter and Murray will show up a bit after noon or 12:30. And I'm thinking that's how it's going to be for quite a while, since Murray's on a shift where he works at the casino until noon. Tomorrow I also hope to be out of the place by 3:20 so as I can get out to rehearsal and build me some set, as well as chat up tbg, as is my usual schedule of course.
But for all that to happen, I need to SLEEP! I woke up today to fucking storytime with Jack and Al. That's where my dad tells/yells all his woe to an old neighbour of ours who seems to have the mutant ability to be able to tolerate my dad. He of course has no consideration, and must be slowly going deaf for the volume he talks at. Enter me, laying in bed, trying to get some zzz's from getting to sleep at about 5am. I think when I calculated it out I managed 5 hours of bad sleep, which absolutely sucks, I don't care what you think.
Tues, May 22/01 7:06pm
TACO FUCKING BELL!!!
Taco Bell, the source of all life, knowledge, growth and wonder... and it's inside me again at last. It's been months. MONTHS! But we've been re-united at last, and it feels SOOO good. Taco Bell, how do I love thee? Oh let me count the menu items...
Of course, I should have eaten it in the park, as is my Taco Bell ritual when I'm alone. But I neglected to, in my excitement. So I came home to my dad talking at me from the bathroom as he made terrible, inhuman smells that no simple door could contain. He came out and was somehow both angry and depressed that I had gotten food on my own. And now that I had already gotten it, of course he says, 'Maybe I would have given you some money for it'. Yeah right. That's about as legitimate as when Ken says, 'Oh, I would have drove' the night after going somewhere. Bullshit, I say. Fuck 'em, fuck 'em all.
Tues, May 22/01 2:04am
Ugh.
So yeah, my incompetence knows no bounds, apparently.
I'm going through all my school stuff, filling in everything for it to be sent back tomorrow. Nothing was due til the start of June, so I thought. Seems I was half right, anyhow. My acceptance isn't due til then, however, my residence papers were due at the beginning of this month. Kind of hard to believe, since I didn't get the stuff until... well, until after May started, anyhow. Fucking great. And it needs a $300 deposit too, which I don't exactly have. I assume there's a waiting list for residence, there usually is. They always want to squeeze as much money out of students as they can. But I am kind of worried and it sucks. I despise the helpless worry. The kind of worry where things are out of your hands, you can't do anything, and just have to wait and see. So yeah, future of my life and I just have to 'wait and see'. But hey, it's no one's fault but my own, which also sucks severe ass. Either way, thank God for my damn credit card, it's saving my ass again. Hopefully tomorrow I can get out to the bank, use the card to pay itself off for the month, deposit $100 into my bank account from it for OSAP, and another $300 for the money order to school. But man, due in April?! I figured I'd get some time to review my options, you know?! A little time to decide if this is exactly what I want to do with my life... But no, I'm supposed to go get this residence letter, go back in time and send it back before I get it? Geez. Here's a lesson kids, read all the fucking fine print you can get your eyes on, geez. I guess I shouldn't be too worried about the whole thing. They should send me back letting me know if I'm in or not, and if I'm not, well... that'll just add a nice unscheduled trip to North Bay to find me a place to live., which to me is another one of those scary-as-hell things for whatever reason. I'm weird.
I've been playing a fair bit of Unreal and Quake lately. I think it's lowering my aggression a little. I've got a lot to channel, in any case. Mary's gone, but she's not gone. It was stormy today and I guess she called here while I was waiting for Lee to call (read: asleep), (which he eventually did to say he didn't need me for that wonderful $150 job) and something happened with my dad bringing her some clothes. I think what happened was he actually brought her some clothes over to the bar. Then she wandered over here eventually and he was just so... subservient! He was getting her to sit down, getting her to drink(which was really twisting her arm), and it just felt like he was going to tell her that he'd been joking the whole time with kicking her out and to come right back in. It was sickening and disturbing. I guess it's been a while for him, knowing what to do in chick situations, that is. Like... when you pull off a painful bandaid, do you put it back on so you can rip it off again? No. He's brain dead, that's the only option I can see as feasible. Fuck.
On a lighter note, apple juice is damn tasty. I highly approve of apple juice.
Mon, May 21/01 10:03pm
I don't know what it is, but there's something about that peanut on top of the new jar of Skippy peanut butter that makes is extra tasty. Mmm.
So this is kind of interesting, to me anyhow. I'm sitting around, my dad comes in my room and spots the book I started reading. 'Hearts in Atlantis', Stephen King. He picks it up, looks at it, asks if it's good. To avoid further conversation, I say 'I just started reading it' (though it has been quite good in the 70-80 pages I read so far). Well of course he asks again, as is his way. And he asks again, he's quite pesky like that. And one more time for good measure, I guess. I keep telling him the same thing. He reads the back, sees it talks a bit about the 60's, and the Vietnam war, and then starts going on about how he was going to go to war in Vietnam and 'bag him some gooks'. I just looked at him with the 'what the hell are you talking about you moron?' look. But it didn't end there. There was more cliche, more ridiculousness, until finally he just left. Left with the book I was reading. I just went out to find him laying on the couch reading it.
What the fuck is that?!
Sun, May 20/01 11:32pm
So I had this dream last night that I was training to be a dj. I was starting out working at this place called the Kingdom, and the people coaching me on were snotty dicks and dickettes. They made me play this horrible dance music crap, assuring me it was wonderful. And for some reason, whenever I tried to play a new disc or record, the first song that came on was 80's band Modern English with "I'll Stop the World and Melt With You". Not exactly the same song, but different versions of it, different covers of it, etc. I woke up kind of angry, really. I wasn't doing very well my first night on the job. But that's because they didn't let me play what I wanted to!
And I woke up angry to a day of nothing. Woke up early to a day of nothing. I had this nasty headache last night so I passed out around 2 and woke up around 10:30, which is really odd for me.
Umm, what else...? Well, Lee called me a little earlier and said he might have a job for me in Toronto tomorrow. A big job, apparently. 10 hours worth of load out, from 6pm til 4am. It'd be worth a cool $150, so I said I'd be up for it. That kind of scratch would sure help out until my first Dufferin payheck comes in. I start that job on Tuesday... possibly. It should be pretty sweet for the first little while... I probably won't work more than 3-4 hours a day, and I'll be getting paid for full time, just like last summer. Full time at minimum wage though, of course. Meanwhile I'll make more than half a weeks take-home pay in one night doing Lees job if it comes through. Quite a difference. Too bad I couldn't get the hours Lee's picking up, I'd be set. I'd have that car, I'd be out of debt for the summer, and I'd actually be able to buy a few things here and there. Mm, what a wonderful dream. And now... back to reading.
Sat, May 19/01 4:49pm
So I just came back from sleeping at the theatre. First time I've had to do that, though I've had the key to the place just in case for, oh... since at least February. Why was I out there? I didn't want to spend another night here. Though yes, yesterday day was glorious with the kick-out of Mary the Alcoholic Clown after far far far too long a time... yesterday night would not have been as wonderful. I saw it coming a mile away. She gets the boot, my dad *needs* to go get ultra-drunk, come back here and tell me the whole fucking story of it no less than 6 times. And he'd more than possibly go on a fantastic tirade of how useless I am, to boot.
I chose not to be a part of the excitement.
So I took a 45 minute stroll out to the theatre/church, spent half the night being paranoid, and fell into a dreamful sleep. Murray came around in the morning... well, the afternoon, but it was morning to me. He gave me a ride back here and filled me in on the more popular theatre renovation subjects of the day, and that was good. And now I sit hearing my dad pound some steak, awaiting it to be prepared and awaiting an insulting barrage of how useless I am.
BUT... Mary's gone.
Fri, May 18/01 7:13pm
Remember this day. Remember this glorious day for all it is worth and for all it means. Remember this day, for it is a marvelous triumph against the stern face on injustice. Oh yes... oh yes. This day is finer than any of the past 200 which fell before it. This day marks a new beginning and a new hope, paired with a new sense of life, and sanity. Praise this day, for truly, it is good.
Thurs, May 17/01 4:13pm
hahahahahahah!
I just... no, nevermind, I'm not done laughing!
A-HAHAHAHA!!
Wed, May 16/01 10:18pm
I'm feeling kind of... normal lately. It sucks, I don't like it.
I've figured out why I'm so weird about the hours I'm asleep and awake. It's because I'm indifferent about sleep. Well actually, I'm leaning more to disliking it. Since my great weekend, the sleep I've gotten has just been uber-pathetic in comparision. I wake up and I feel the same, it's pointless. So I stay up all night, til it's morning again, for those precious few hours between midnight and 5 when no one bothers me and I feel like I have some control over my life again. Mm. It's at that point in the day/night that I actually write nice things... things about peacefulness and enjoyment rather than things about the grip of violence and despair. What a night-and-day difference, literally.
Anyhow... so today was rehearsal day. I spent most of it down in the pit by myself looking over what I was going to do to make them a decent looking set. It was the usual, I guess... was assaulted by tbg(who was almost a sweettalker today), hit on by people I'd prefer not hit on me, missed out on Catherines big guilt speech to the cast. I skipped out on rehearsal with Doug yesterday. I suppose I'm going to have to go and play with him for at least a little bit tomorrow. Fuck, I forgot to go to my moms too, and didn't even get a chance to call the DMV. If I don't call soon my license is just going to expire and I won't be in time to book a road test.
Well, I'm bored. Lets go see if Age of Empires can keep me entertained, huh? And if not that, then perhaps maybe photoshop will. I've rediscovered the fun of meddling with pictures since I discovered the existance of rachaelleighcook.net.
PS: yesterday I put Mary's cigarettes in my butt, filter first... and I enjoy it when girls send me porn. Thanks Lisa!
Tues, May 15/01 12:42am
I finally remembered the word I meant to look up last week. It came to me as I was watching wrestling... 'hedonism'.
1.Pursuit of or devotion to pleasure, especially to the pleasures of the
senses.
2.Philosophy. The ethical doctrine holding that only what is pleasant or
has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good.
3.Psychology. The doctrine holding that behavior is motivated by the
desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain.
It seems I subscribe to hedonism, and I didn't even know it.
Mon, May 14/01 2:01am
Hahaha.... I can't believe I forgot about this...
HAHAHAHAH!!
Sun, May 13/01 6:52pm
Well, Sunday afternoon has arrived, and along with it, the grim spectre of death. Not a physical death, but the destruction of a state of mind. I can already feel the old insanity seeping back into my pores. Shit. He came back around 12:00, and has been wreaking havoc since.
However. I spent most of the afternoon away from the madness over at my moms. It was away from madness because no one was home there. And then I came back... no one was here either. Sweet deal, no?
Sun, May 13/01 1:35am
Sunday evening must NOT arrive. I have been enjoying myself wayyyy too much these past couple of days for my dad to come back and ruin shit now. I don't know what I'll do. I'll shrivel and die, and after truly blooming for such a terribly short period of time! No! In this short time I've rediscovered so much! Levels of happiness, self confidence and good moods haven't been in such grand proportions in months! Even when he was in the hospital I didn't have it nearly this good, because there'd be the constant phone calls, interrupting precious, precious sleep, and really... life itself. And then there'd be the visits to see his grumpy, bitter ass as well, which took a lot out of me. Such a terrible, hateful man. I've come a complete 180 degrees from how I was a mere 3 days ago, and now I'm going to lose everything and fall back into the trap of being a miserable bastard for at least another two weeks, til he goes back to work. I'll get a slight break when I start work next week, but it won't be enough. He must be purged from my system completely if I'm to recover fully. I guess I know what that means for next summer. It means I won't be spending it here. For however privacy and time to myself I *won't* get being at my moms, it won't be like being here. And I guess by then I'll be used to the other things being gone that keep me here now. Which really, comes down to getting every tv station and having all my stuff right here. Having my window that goes out onto my roof and having everything right where I know where it is. And assholes or not, when I go back away to school, I really am going to be in so much of a better shape than I am now, even. Because then I'll be on the path to something. On the path to a future, better version of me, and that's pretty fucking exciting. Who knows, I might even stay there for the summer between schooling, a la Hoover. This might be the last optomistic entry for a while, so I'm going to savour it. I might be able to squeeze one in tomorrow, or another one tonight if something should actually happen that's noteworthy, but that's not really that likely. Back to being miserable. Back to being a bastard. It's like some sick game of monkey-see, monkey-do, you know? And only when I'm really, truly left alone can I creep out of my shell, look around and celebrate.
I have to put tonights sleep to good use too. I have to take advantage of every second I get that I'm free for now. It'll be September... SEPTEMBER! before I get any real freedom again. Well, hopefully it'll be more like the end of August, with me sitting in a cramped seat on an Air Canada flight to BC, but that's a different story.
Actually, I think I'm off to write an email right now and spread my mood. I may be back, I may not. It's a mystery to me.
Fri, May 11/01 3:27pm
Sleep rules!! Oh man, for the first time in ever so long, I got to sleep a full, uninterrupted sleep schedule. And when I say 'ever so long', I mean actual months. Around 5 of them. And what comes with uninterrupted sleep? Dreams! I dreamt! And they were GOOD dreams, wonderful dreams. There were 2 separate dreams I remember. In the first one I was on some decaying space ship trying to escape with this big group of people. There were all these traps and destroyed areas of the ship and it was pretty exciting. And at the end of it, I ended up with 3 chicks who were ever so grateful for my heroism. Ahhh. And most important of all, they weren't dumb or ridiculous. They were rational, imaginary girls. I guess I should have realized it was a dream when they were rational, huh? So then I had this second dream about camp. But it was a different camp than the one I normally work for. It was for 19-23 year olds, yet I still got paid to work at it, being 21 myself. I think it was some kind of gifted, brilliant person camp. Everyone was gathered in this big room to try to solve this mystery in a handbook we gave out to them, and there were chicks galore. Bright chicks, bright chicks who knew how to flirt. Bright chicks who were interesting but not ridiculous and irrational. All the people in both dreams were wonderful people, even the guys, so I didn't have to be a dick to anyone at all. Oh that was so nice. So very nice. Oh my, the power of dreams is great. They've put me in a fine, fine mood. And with no one around to ruin my mood, I might just be set for the day! Time to go bbq some fucking hotDOGS!
I can't wait to sleep again, ohhhhh, sleep is sssoooo good.
Thurs, May 10/01 1:12pm
Ahh. The ridiculousness of the breasted menace never ceases to make me laugh out loud. Silly girls.
So SILLY SILLY me. My dad's gone for the weekend... but Mary aint. Why did I think she would be, exactly? Why would I listen to a word he says? Hmn. Hope, I guess. Undying, unquenchable, unending, maddening hope. It might be my one redeemable quality, huh?
Wed, May 9/01 11:19pm
Not a bad day today. Just hung out with Matt for a couple of hours. Sat around and had a nice couple of discussions was all, really. But it was satisfying and fun, too. There's still few to no people who make me laugh like Matt does. Had rehearsal today, which meant another stab at getting a conversation with tbg. Which I succeeded in! And I looked better today than I did last week anyhow, which was a bonus. She said she'd like to come and see the show when it was done, and asked which days I'd be there for rehearsal too. Mmm, tbg. What a sweetie. She was all in black today, with a long black skirt. I do love skirts so! I'm not sure if I like the short ones or long ones better, in fact. Sure, short is good because it shows leg and all, but there's a certain mystery to the long ones, and a sense of wonder and awe when some leg does finally flash out the slit of it. Plus, the long ones cling better, creating new and wonderful curves as long as they're plain... not covered in pockets and zippers and such. And this one was plain black. She looked... classy, even. So that was tbg.
Then... what then. Ah, then there was the actual rehearsal. I wasn't there for most of it, I took Evil-lyn and Karissa of the crew to go and find some goodies for the set. The original idea was to take people out on Monday and root through the spring cleaning trash that people put out to be taken away. What ended up happening was that Murray didn't leave the van when he was supposed to, and we didn't have time for that. So we just took things from the theatre out to rehearsal instead. I was surprised we actually found some things I thought would work onstage. They were just things sitting around, that I often am caught sitting around on, in fact. Evil-lyn and Karissa are fun. If Evil-lyn was like 3 years older I'd probably be pretty attracted to her.
Uhhh... wasn't there something else? I bet if I scrolled back up this entry I'd figure it out... but oh well. I missed a call from Doug today, and another from Boots. And since I was having a ball with Matt, I completely forgot to return either of them. That kind of bothers me, but there's nothing I can do about it now, right?
That's about it... end transmission.
Wed, May 9/01 12:40am
My diet today consisted mostly of ice cream. In the beginning it was swiss mocha, and now I'm filling my face with neopolitan. I don't know why I've been on this ice cream kick lately, but oh well.
So I'll tell you something else. If I could only watch Married With Children and Unhappily Ever After... I wouldn't be too upset, except for missing wrestling and Futurama.
Had another nothing sort of day. I think I may be wasting my life, but that's a whole 'nother story. I was up until 8 am from yesterday, so I only slept from 8 or so til 1 this afternoon. It was weird being up that early/late again. I haven't done it for a while. I was actually up when Catherine came online in the morning before going to work. Weird.
Oh yeah, now I remember what I was going to say. I only slept til 1:00 because I was rudely awakened, yet again. Well, over and over again, really. First I was harshly interrogated about some bottle of vitamins. I went back to sleep. Then I was harshly interrogated about a different bottle of vitamins. Then I went back to sleep. Then there was the music. I remember something along the lines of, 'Hey Johnny, you asshole!' and then an extra loud blare of Twisted Sister's, "We're Not Gonna Take It". And then there was the talking.
I don't know what makes my dad think I can't hear him a room away. As if using the music to mask his voice (a good idea, for a retard) he began to complain, to Mary of all people, about me. About how when he was 21 he wasn't 'dying his hair and being a ridiculous piece of shit'. I didn't quite understand him, as I often don't, but oh well. I was determined not to let his idiotic bullshit garbage ruin my day, and it didn't. Here I am, perfectly contented at the end of the day, listening to some Horton Heat and *almost* relaxing. Of course, I did take matters into my own hands when he left for the afternoon, and that definitely aided to my relaxation now. After he left I had some music on, was wandering around the house and found a couple of personal items of his that I thought should spend some quality time in my ass before he used them again. These items included, but aren't limited to: his sunglasses, and the cordless phone he favours while sitting in his favourite staring chair. Actually, the cordless phone got a good taste of my sweaty balls in addition to my juicy rectum. Yes, that's right. I'm a childish bastard. But I'm a childish bastard in a great fucking mood. I think the high point of the day may have been handing him the phone one of the times Mary called the house, and seeing him press it firmly to his ear and mouth. Sometimes you just have to fight bastard with bastard, it's just that simple.
And you know something else... I'm kind of scared to say it and jinx things... but... I think... it's just about possible that... well, that Mary is gone. My dad mentioned something today about how last night she crept in the back door and scared the hell out of him in the middle of the night(fuck, you've GOT to hear my dad's startled-n'-scared-shitless sound, it's pure hilarity) amd said that tonight he'd make sure all the doors were locked up tight. I'm scared to believe she's gone though, I don't want to get all happy for nothing, because that'd be one mean fuck of a letdown. Like once all this is cleared up... once I *know* she's gone for good, and once I get back into the swing of things with Boots, and once I start work and my dad goes back to work... oh wow. I'll truly be happy again. And it looks like it all might come as soon as the end of the MONTH. Now that's something to look forward to.
Mon, May 7/01 10:18pm
Well, I just made a fucking tough phone call. Called up Boots and made the whole relationship confrontation. Never had to do anything quite like it before, you know, always being the dumped rather than the dumper.
And so far, this time I'm neither.
We talked, difficultly, and came to certain conclusions that made me feel a bit better. She said she's always been a terrible girlfriend (which I can believe, most guys probably wouldn't appreciate her candor or demeanor) and just doesn't know what to do. She's in my position too... never dumped anyone, always a dumpee. So... I feel better about that, that much is for sure. Sure as hell is a big sigh of relief. Of course, I still stand by my earlier tip from last night/this morning.
The drama kids at school cheered me up tonight. At the break some of them gathered 'round as I explained what I was going through to Catherine, and they were all very supportive and sympathetic. It was really nice, damn kids! I was intent on being miserable for the rehearsal.
Today is garbage pickin' day around here. All sorts of people in pickups and vans sorting through everyone elses trash in search of treasure. It always makes me uncomfortable for some reason. And I almost got stuck going out with the others, rooting around for things. Set things, for the show at school, which today I felt more a part of again. Hmn, I guess if you add in those two past things I mentioned, plus Murray calling and confirming me for the summer job, I guess it's actually been a positive day...
So why hasn't it felt like it?
Probably my dad, that's gotta be it. And coming home to Mary, seeing as she was supposed to be moved out today again. My dad's been the worst. Alot worse than I can remember even. He's just been on a big fucking rampage over nothing, and I literally can't say anything to him at all. I could say, 'Here's $700, for no reason' and he'd start up some shit. I tried complimenting him on something, and that's how it ended up. Get a fucking grip, asshole.
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming... WWF Raw.
Mon, May 7/01 12:56am
Here's a tip: roast beef actually isn't so intolerable if you bbq it and use lots of sauce.
Here's another tip: girls are fucking evil.
Sun, May 6/01 1:26pm
If I have to hear that bitch's moccasined feet scrape across the floor anymore I'm going to fucking freak out. Shuffle shuffle shuffle. Just add walking properly onto the list of things she can't do. Hag. BUT WAIT... isn't she supposed to be out tomorrow? Well is she, John? Yes. Is she going to be? No one knows for certain, however she is out in the sunroom right now picking through her boxes of things. Now I don't know exacty what she's doing out there, it may just be for show or she may just be looking for something. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Sat, May 5/01 2:20pm
This feels like it's going to be a boring day. And it feels like the start to another unhealthy week. Woke up today with a bit more phlegm than usual, which may just be from laying on my back in the night, and that's what I'm hoping. I prefer to have left my sickness behind in April and start fresh in May. So I'll be o.d.ing on vitamin C today whereever I can help it.
Hmn, what *can* I do today? I know some laundry needs to be done. I think I missed my window of opportunity to call Murray about the summer job situation. Have I explained that? It feels like I have so I'll leave it alone. But I should also talk to him about this shed he's building, and about writing the next theatre newsletter, so says Catherine. Maybe I should apply for OSAP today and see if I can get these payments off my back until I have some actual money. I have 74 cents in the bank. I thought that was pretty impressive and I kept the atm receipt.
Go Horton Heat, go!
Sat, May 5/01 12:06am
You know, it never fails. If I'm to go to any kind of event where there are also actual drooling mongoloid retards present, I'll end up sitting next to them. And tonight, oh, it was no exception. You should have seen this guy. Happy and waving and clapping and eating handfuls of chips without a care in the world. And staring at me, of course. Fun fun fun.
Where was I? I went to see a show with Catherine and Jane in Burlington. It was 'Into the Woods', and damn, it was actually a pretty good show! I was surpised. Catherine always praised it, but I'll admit I thought she only said that because she did the show before. And there was a damn fine Little Red Riding Hood, mmmm. We stuck around after the show, and almost everyone else in the cast wandered out except her. Damn. I had a couple words for her. Words like, "DAMN! Do you even understand how cute you were in that role?" and such. She was fab-ooo-lous, and not just in looks. She had it nailed, or so it seemed to me. Overall, a fine show, and not a waste of an evening. And oh yeah, when I switched seats with Catherine I ended up sitting at a table next to the very sexy daughter of an 'actress' who was in Taming of the Shrew. A daughter who's had a little bit of an attraction to me for some time. That was kind of fun too.
Fri, May 4/01 12:56am
Blah blah blah. I've definitely had worse days than today, anyhow. Today was just kind of blah. It actually leant towards being a good day. It started out with my dad waking me up to tell me that it would be 31 degrees today. With that, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Then he came in later, around noon, and had mail for me. One was a letter from Canadore in North Bay, saying that they're moving the campus of the program I applied to over a bunch of blocks. That was no good, it's going to be farther from residence now. Further in the cold. But I assume they'd have shuttles going from the rez to the school and back, that'd only make sense to me, anyhow. It's basically all but decided that North Bay is going to be where I end up going to school. Like, it's there or Kingston, and I might as well go to North Bay since my best friend's there, right? Maybe *then* the post-secondary experience will resemble Animal House a bit more. That's my hope, anyhow. The second piece of mail I got was my cd, and it seems actually more exciting now than it did then. Yeeup, finally got my DK single, and it's gorgeous. I enjoy it highly.
Mostly sat around all day. Ate some highly delicious hotdogs, talked to Boots a bit before Survivor. That turned out to be kind of fruitful. I definitely feel like I may have been overreacting yesterday. I hope so, anyhow. Don't feel like dealing with much girl garbage any time soon. I do feel like having some more hotdogs though. The ones we have are just spectacular, I tell you.
Hmn, something else I was going to go into, what was it? Been writing alot of plays lately. Of course, they all deal at least partly with the world of punk or at least punk kids. Haven't written much for articles or poetry, but the time will come around again for that.
Summer, that's what I was going to go into. I'm a little worried because I don't know what I should be doing right now. Like, I've been assured that I have the summer camp job with my theatre, but I'm not sure if I'm really eligable for it. But Catherine assures me and it's very convincing. So I don't know if I should be pounding the pavement in looking for a job or now. I really doubt I'd find a job I liked better than doing camp. And it's not just camp, either. I think the job starts around May 15th, so there's a full load of weeks before camp even starts in July. I really want to work with the theatre again... and I say again rather than still, because this stuff actually pays and most of the crap I've done lately hasn't.
Latest prediction on Mary is that she'll be gone 'Friday or Monday, because she's just going to stick around because she has an appointment Thursday(which was today, kind of)' Uh huh. Follow my line of reasoning here. I've heard 'she'll be gone at the end of this month, I've had it' for the past, oh... 4 months, with various interjections inbetween consisting of things like 'end of the week' substituted for 'end of the month'. So then on Monday or Tuesday my dad says, 'yep... gone on Friday, I told her'. The next day, whichever day it may have been, the story had magically changed to, 'gone on Friday... or Monday'. Now stay with me here... does anyone other than me see... ohh, a little *pAtTeRn* here? She won't be gone today/tomorrow/Friday. And she won't be gone on Monday. And I really really wish he'd stop telling me that she will be. Ugh. Pray for me.
I thought I had more to say, and I bet I do, but I've just forgotten. My forgetfulness is getting nutty. Like, earlier I went to dictionary.com to look something up, and by the time it loaded I'd forgotten what I wanted to look up. And it's really really bugging me now that I can't remember it. Fuck.
Wed, May 1/01 5:09pm
Third entry of the day, woohoo. Don't think I've had this many in a day since I started writing this journal thing. I saw tbg. It was quite momentary and less than memorable. It looked like she might have wanted to talk, but I was already trotting along with Catherine when we crossed paths. Dammit! My good looks today have totally gone to waste, wonderful. Plus I'll have to talk to Boots later on tonight most likely, which I'm not exactly looking forward to from the way things went this afternoon. Gah. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it was nothing and she's still nutty about me and just has a really funny way of showing it. All I know is that she almost brought me to tears earlier today. Marvelous.
I need some porn to cheer me up.
Wed, May 1/01 2:55pm
Okay, seriously now... exactly what the FUCK do I have to do?! What's good enough, huh?
I got another dumping coming. Or at least that's how it feels. After a while you just know the feeling. And this is how it feels, bad. I mean, it's not like I was expecting some big parade or any shit like that, but a simple 'yay! I'm so glad to see you!' would have been fantastic, rather than the 'what are you doing here?' that I got. Fucking people, god.
AND I missed a Jello Biafra 'show' on the weekend. It was in Hamilton, for craps sake! Jello in Hamilton!! And Boots knew all about it and didn't remember to mention it to me. Sonofabitcha.
Well, that's it. Got rehearsal for 'And Then There Was None' in a half hour. I think I'll get there early and chat up tbg before she leaves. Maybe some of her fairy magic can lighten my mood some.
Fuck, and I looked so GOOD today . . .
Wed, May 1/01 2:58am
Ha-HAA! I did it! I fixed my own damn computer, praise God! Wow. Surely, I mean SURELY this has to be the work of some higher power who saw how terribly things were going for me. Damn, yo! Wow, victories feel sooo good, I'd forgotten! It was incredible, just incredible. Okay, whenever I turned this thing on, I'd get an error message before Windows even started up, right? And it wasn't just an error message, it was the blue screen of death. Nasty business. It happened after installing this free RPG I picked up at Download.com. It needed to restart my computer before finishing installing, so naturally I restarted. Well, kind of. Kind of because it didn't start right, remember?
So how'd I 'fix' it? Simple. Strange. I wanted to see if I could get some more colours. See, in safe mode there's only 16. I wanted to see if I could get it up to 256. Not for any real reason, I don't think... except maybe then my saved porn would look... well, would look like something that wasn't squigglevision. So I change it from 16 to 256, and it tells me, Hey yo chico... you gotta restart. Fine, why not? So I restart...
And it WORKS.
True story. True, fucked up story. Wow.
So what now? Now that I'm probably back? It's time to get re-aquainted with an old friend of mine... internet porn. Just what God would recommend, don't you think?