Tues, Jan 30/01 4:16pm
*hooray*
I ditched work... yet for some reason came home. Oh well.
I finally got my jelly beans in the mail. You want jelly beans? Go to this site. They're the little multi-flavoured ones. By the time you ge them you forgot you ordered them, so it's a nice surprise in the mail that can actually help out a shitty day. One sample per household!
So I think I've solved my computers sound problem. Well, kind of. I'm just buying a new fucking sound card when I get the money. That's it. Problem solved. Yeah, it'll run me like
$60, but oh well. I get slightly better sound than before, and oh yeah... I actually get to hear things!
Not much else. My first months rent is due tomorrow, yippie. My dad's like, "You can give me a cheque for the money tomorrow," but of course, he doesn't quite realize that I don't have a chequing account and never HAVE... what an observant guy. So I need to go find a bank machine today and tomorrow, because my daily limit is only $100, and of course, he's charging double that. And you know, I won't be suprised if I don't have enough funds. I think I may have just enough, actually, but that leaves my student loans in the cold. Ehn, they can wait.
My dad spent the better part of the afternoon on the phone with a kid who used to live down the street and ended up working at his plant. He seems to be my father's real son. He was telling him all these great things about him, what a great guy and worker and whatever else he is. I kind of thought it was funny. Sad that he's never been able to find anything good to say about me, but funny nonetheless.
Now I'm tired. Time to lay down and hopefully pass out.
Tues, Jan 30/01 12:44am
Wow, what a day. Worked all day, then came home and got hassled for a good half an hour straight by my dad, telling me news he'd already told me at least twice before. Then he told me Catherine had called, and I was to call her back. So after narrowly escaping him, I called her in case something was up that wasn't good. Well, she asked me if I was interested in putting up some walls in the theatre before heading out to do bingo, and I replied, "Well, it depends..." "Depends on what?" she asked, but then at the same time, my father reminded me for the fourth time since I'd came in the door that Catherine had called, so I renounced my earlier "it depends" stance and left immediately. Then, bingo from 8:30 til 12:30. Now, WWF til 2. Then... sleep, hopefully. Fuck, Mary the wench kept me up last night past 2 when I needed to sleep with her grating voice that penetrates the walls so well. Hopefully that doesn't happen tonight, and I mean REALLY hopefully, because I'm working from 8:30 am til 9 pm tomorrow! Fuck...
Oh, but there was work today. I was working with Ugly Neurotic Mel putting together displays of that Glade Grab-It shit, you know, that static glove thing that you dust with. Well, I needed to use a pump cart and there was only one in sight, being used by the slowest guy in the place, Fat John. I waited patiently, then I waited impatiently and I really needed that fucking cart so I just went over and started to take it. Well, as a force of habit I depressed the lever that makes the truck de-escalate, and lo and behold the skid that was being held up came down. I didn't know it was even up! So Fat John pops his head out from behind the skid with this startled look on his face, and this other fucknut, this bald Brian twerp(who's like 38 and just got hired on, what a life this guy must have) gets all nutty on me telling me how lucky I am that Fat John's hand wasn't under there and gives me this fucking scolding. Well shit, I apologized, I didn't realize the cart was up and he was moving slower than fuck as it was. So yeah, this idiot giving me this scolding is not helping me out, since I'd already missed the bus to get to work and had to pry my mom out of bed to get me to work on time. So that was my great morning. I just wanted to start crushing heads, ugh.
Really wished today had been better to kind of reflect last night. I felt good last night... but woke up sickly this morning... ugh. Time to do it again, I suppose. Gross.
Mon, Jan 29/01 1:21am
Last week when I was doing some theatre stuff with Murray, he bought me a pop and a chocolate easter sucker. And I really enjoyed them both, visibly. And Murray just kind of looked at me and told me, "You know, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are *really* easy! A pop, a sucker... that's all it takes to make you happy and get you doing some work with me!" And I agreed, because dammit, it was true.
Sometimes all it takes is a pop and a sucker... sometimes all it takes is a couple of simple, kind, honest and heartfelt words.
Sun, Jan 28/01 10:55pm
Wow, taco salad and the new Survivor series... what else do I need at this point? There's some delictable hotties this season, yum. But they seem to be concentrated more in teh group that just lost immunity... shitty.
Well, to not go to work tomorrow would be nice, but oh well. It'll most likely be golf balls, which isn't *so* objectionable. Getting up is going to be the hard part. For whatever reason I have been completely fagged out this weekend. Just slept and slept and slept, especially yesterday. Frig, I can barely remember yesterday, that's how much sleeping I did.
So the director of Taming wasn't especially pleased with a lot of things tonight. Mostly, the stage/theatre building. Because namely, it isn't happening. Yeah yeah, we've got two section of wall built, bvut Murray promised the whole thing would be usable if not done *this* weekend, which I knew was a mistake to say when I heard it. So George the director did some reaming, and I don't know, it just made me feel really bad. Not as bad as other stuff has lately, because the past couple of days have been more up than down. It probably has something to do with the fact that when someone's over my parents each bother me less, respectively. However, now that I'm alone? Oh, it's open season! Yay! In fact, I have to go offline right now so my dad can perform an unnecessary phone related thingy. I guess he... fuck no, cancel that, there's no way I can possibly think like him, fuck! Annoying me already... should be in bed... fuckity fuck...
Sat, Jan 26/01 12:08am
So yeah, I'm on my way to getting drunk. It's been a while, so I figured, why not? At least I have someone to partake in such activities with me, and hey... aint that a big plus? Frig, it's been a hell of a while... I'm wondering if I still know how to hoist a beer to my lips... well hell, if I really get stuck I can go play monkey-see, monkey-do with Mary the alcoholic clown, right? Yes, easily. Of course, that's not the worry yet, becaus I'm doing disgusting shots of rum. Disgusting, you say? Quite. A far throw from my regular straight whisky. Well, to me it is, anyhow.
Ahh, nothing much to say. Had some great adventures with my dad today, repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and repeating and... oh, is that getting annoying? Yeah, try living here, bitch. Um, managed some Bell into my day... no tbg again, big surprise. Little else. Just sat around with my company... not even any playstation... crazy, huh? Bah. I love not giving people answers... ah, it's the-BOMB.
Fri, Jan 26/01 12:42pm
Eat, drink and be merry...
for tomorrow we march to the wastelands
to fight to the death.
If we should die, we live forever in glory and infamy.
But if the odds are upset
and we survive...
If coicidence strikes
and if we prevail...
we shall never have to turn back to this hated place again.
Wed, Jan 24/01 9:16pm
Okay, here we go again. I might have some time to write now, but then again I may not because I just heard the cordless phone beep in the other room, meaning Mary the Alcoholic Clown is attempting to use the phone. I'll hear it beep again in about 3 minutes. She doesn't quite get the concept that if the red light is on, it's in use. A real catch, this one is. Oh, so here's my Mary story for the night. After hearing my father would be coming home tomorrow, I went into a frenzy and beat the stuffing out of a couple of pillows and cushions on one of her couches. She, of course, wasn't home to see. So I come home from the hospital and find her in the living room crying on the phone. Oh boy, what now? Well, apparently she had thought someone'd broken in and rummaged through her couch for some stupid reason. Yes, very good... break in and ruffle some cushions, but just leave the stereos, tv's, playstation, etc etc. What a goof. Of course, I hadn't realize what she'd been talking about on the phone, and of course, she had been on the phone with my dad, and had worked himself into a frenzy over it. After I realized which couch she was talking about, the one in the dining room and not the one in the living room, I laughed hysterically to myself, it was just too good and I couldn't resist. But she'd also been concerned over the 'papers thrown all over the place'. On this one I don't know. The best I can guess is that she went nutty from the sauce, threw some stuff around, passed out, woke up and forgot what she did.
So that was that. Earlier, of course, there was the hospital. Another whole fucking other can of beans. From my dad telling me he wasn't racist(after complaining about his 'fucking paki doctor' and then mentioning that there were some good hospitals in New York for all the fucking rich Jews) to me picturing him doing a lively tap dance repeatedly, it was something. Tap dance? Oh yes. With a strong jazz constituent as well. He just kept telling my sister and I about all the changes that would be happening once he got back and how he'd get on the days shift and start eating right and fix up the house and and and and. It was all things I've heard so many times before and hadn't had reason to believe them even then, and when I heard them tonight it was, to me, just the 'same old song and dance'. So every time he went on a tirade, I just pictured him getting up from his chair, donning a top hat and producing a cane and tapping his sick ass all over the hospital hallway. It was really quite amusing.
But then, well, I really wasn't pleased at one particular thing. I'd spend the bulk of today out at Catherine the Stage Manager's place, installing a garage door opener with Murray the General Manager. It was a lot of fun, it was cold, but it was fun. And I had some good homemade style macadamia nut cookies. So blah blah, things were talked about here and there, and at the end of the day, I was being taken to Canadian Tire to get my own key to the theatre made!! Maybe that doesn't sound like much. I guess I can sort of understand how of a miniscule it might sound to someone else, but to me it really means a fuck of a lot. To be trusted that much and to be entrusted with the responsibility that having a key holds... it's really something for me. To me, it makes the past 3 years I've put in there completely worth it and then some. I mean, I've enjoyed doing it as it is, so a bonus like this was just phenomonal. Again, it's really hard to put into words what that key meant to me, but for sure it means a fuck of a lot. So, being proud of it, when my dad asked me what's been up lately, I showed him the key with a great smile. Initially, he was proud too... because he thought that had meant they'd hired me full time.
FUCK!
And he just crushed it for me, you know?! Just had to bring it down to money money money. No no, can't do anything because I *WANT* to, can't do anything because I *LOVE* doing it! It's all got to be about the fucking dollars or you aren't worth anything. What a disgusting outlook on life! Do it for gain or don't do it at all?! What the fuck is that?!
So yeah, I felt pretty shitty after that. But tomorrow I get up early and let the crappy Petruchio into the theatre to rehearse his lines in the space. Which is just... odd, considering he's coming in at 9 from 2 hours away(I'm counting morning rush traffic). What a dork. But... it gets me out of the house for the triumphant return of my father and his shit-bag.
Wed, Jan 24/01 2:07pm
For some reason I stayed up until 8:00 this morning from getting up at noon yesterday. Yeah, noon is nice to get up at and means I shouldn't get as tired so yes I can go to bed later, but hell, I still usually conk out around 3 in the morning, so this was just weird.
And then, well, it was time to swear. I woke up around 1:30 to a phone call from Murray, my theatre's general manager. Or did I? I was hoping to because last night my Catherine my stage manager said that if we both installed her garage door opener tomorrow she'd pay out $150. I wanted to make sure we got on that, of course, so I could avoid work for another day and still, well... live. However the call wasn't from Murray. It was from my dad.
And oh, he had some GRRRRRRRReat news for me, and had some errands he wanted me to run. More on that later, for suffice to say, Murray DID call afterwards and we're just about to go attach our mechanical friend all together for Catherine.
Yes, definitely more on this later, fuck.
Mon, Jan 22/01 10:37pm
Fuh-king RAD!! You know, there's nothing I like more than... well, more than a gorgeous, intelligent, personable female... but of course I'm talking about non-fiction for a minute here... and in terms of happenings and things that actually exist... there's really not that much I dig more than watching some wrestling, not expecting anything cool or anything to happen and just relaxing when there's a big comeback(the Big Show, awesome) and *then* seeing Kane *and* the Undertaker kicking some severe ass together. That's really the way it should be, oh yes.
Mm. So what's been going on? Well, Plan B... to hell with her. I'm tired of putting up with chick shit for little to no benefits. It'd be a lot harder to say 'fuckit', except for the fact that she's terminally dumb, and blonde to boot. So really, no big deal. I do, however, think Plan B is just THE fucking coolest name lately, so it's only a matter of time before I change my icq name to that. And hell, I'm few people's first choice anyhow, so it fits for me too.
Haven't been out to see my dad at the hospital for a couple of days. I just haven't been able to. Yeah, that sounds bad, but it's also true. I need to keep my sanity, and that means I need to go to rehearsals, a.k.a. my only reason for living right now. So yes, I'm a selfish bastard... my dad comes second. He'll be back to make my life hell again soon anyhow.
Theatre work tomorrow morning, rehearsal tomorrow night. I'm not thrilled the work... well, actuall about any of it at the moment, but maybe tomorrow will tell me better things. At least I've found out we don't have to move the friggin' risers, but we'll still probably be putting up walls, and I'll still probably be treated like a 6 year old. Meh. In 15 minutes I'll fire up the playstation and things'll be okay. That's all I want to do lately... I think it's the lack of food getting to me. Fuck. I was actually thrilled when I found a single packet of beef noodle cup o' soup under the cupboard today. Like jump up and down happy. I haven't ate well or regularly since before university. Geez.
Sun, Jan 21/01 1:04am
Mm, spent all day at the theatre again, fixing things up. Made a bunch of stage boxes and pounded a whole whack of loose, protruding nails into the ceiling where the tiling used to be. Maybe tomorrow we'll put up some insulation and really start the process of putting in the new stage. I think that'd be a good thing, since we promised the director of Taming that the place'd be fully built by the end of the month. That means adding some walls, electrical work, handicap shit, ceilings, floors, lighting racks... probably more! Ah, I'm up to it. I figure since my dad's going to be in the hospital for a week, I'll take this as my vacation(off of real work), because once he gets out... fuck, it's going to be hell. He'll be here 24 hours a day... Mary the drunken clown will be here 24 hours a day (psst, she'll be drunk the whole time too)... geh. Yeah, it's good to know he's not dying or anything, but frig, that still doesn't mean I like him around the house whatsoever. He'll probably be out of commission for a while. He gets 6 weeks full pay from work, then like 6 months at 40% wages, I don't know, he may end up usin it all. I mean, he's gotta get cut up again in 3 months to reverse the dissection, so fuck, by the time he's healed enough to fully go back to work, it'll be time to get his arse back into the hospital. Super-dee-duper.
Rehearsal again tomorrow. I'll be there around noon though and mt rehearsal starts at 7, so that'll give me time to finish up the boxes, finish up the ceiling and get around to another couple of jobs that need to be done. Man, I wish I enjoyed my *real* job this much, fuck. On Friday when I did work for real I noticed a little something on the bottom of the boxes that I simply had to snip off to put to good use. Now I have three pieces of cardboard that read "For standard size balls only." I intend on sticking one to the ass of the guy I bug at rehearsal. One will go up on the wall at the theatre and one's here for my room, I'm thinking.
I'm watching some late night movie with a Baldwin which is most likely a soft core porn flick. I mean, there's lesbians... it's only a matter of time before there's a threesome with the Baldwin. I think it's called Three of Hearts or something. Fuck, which one is this one? William? I think it is, if Stephen's the one that was in Bio-Dome.
You know, I'm really really bored. Shitty buzz. I'm almost through with Final Fantasy 8. It's kind of a shitty feeling, but I have #9 to move on to, which I started around Christmas. Haven't played it much since then, I think I'll just start over. Maybe I'll start now...
Well, it's off to see if I can make me some chicken breasts without burning them too much or undercooking them. Wish me luck.
Thurs, Jan 18/01 12:01am
So last night I came home late from rehearsal and only Mary was drunk at the table. I figured my dad was upstairs in bed, trying to keep away from her, so I came online, and eventually went to bed. Then today I actually had loads of fun on my own doing theatre stuff all day. I actually got a lot accomplished for my little theatre group.. built some set, cleaned up the building quite nicely, and went and ran some errands that needed to be done. I borrowed Stage Manager's car for the day while she was teaching at my old high school and kicked some ass. When the school day was over, I brought her car back to her but still had some junk in it, so we went out to the theatre and she raved over all the awesome work I'd done. That made me feel really really good. Important, even. I still say I'm the third top person in my company as it stands right now. Oh yeah, I'm a friggin' prescence. So it was a great day. Then I came home to no one, and was content but a little bored. I'd kept myself busy all day, it was hard to not do anything.
But that wouldn't last long. Remember what I said? How I figured my dad was upstairs sleeping? He wasn't. My mom called me and asked me if I wanted a ride to go up and see my father. Huh? What? Yeah John... you didn't know? He's in the hospital.
Um... what?
It turns out I came home last night, and Mary came home last night, but my dad didn't. He had his tests and had to stay there for surgery tomorrow. Cutting open his colon and pulling out whatever's in there, apparently. Now of course... Mary didn't even fucking TELL ME where he was. She just sat there drinking her fucking head off and didn't even TELL ME. So tonight I let her have it after coming back from the hospital... well, actually from coming back from reviewing the grade 12 drama productions, because she'd been out drinking before that. Yeah, that bitch heard it from me. Fucking hag. Actually, the way it went down had her screaming her stupid head off at me and me being very calm, rational and straight-voiced, which is really the ultimate tick off to a raging drunk woman. It was very satisfying.
So tomorrow morning my aunt is coming into town to go into the hospital to see him. Of course, Mary wants to go to, but no. She's the reason my dad's in the damn hospital!! And she can't actually wake up before noon on her own, so I just have to not wake her and my aunt and I can go see my dad.
When I did go in... I don't know. It was just bad. Seeing him laying there, all hundred pounds of him in that hospital gown with three tubes in his arm, gray grizzle on his face and all his skin hanging off his bones. He was doped up too, and couldn't keep his eyes open all the way for very long. It was really hard. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I hate my father, but fuck, that doesn't mean I can't be concerned. I also hate going to work, but I go.
So fuck, what now huh? Man...
Tues, Jan 16/01 10:36pm
Ahh. Sassi-faction. I . . . am satisfied. Right now. I'm satisfied. Just came from rehearsal for Taming, had me some fun. I'm slowly becoming this amazing theatre guy in this show. I'm building sets, I'm building a space, I'm kicking ass in my role like nobody's business and I've got all the inside info, plus I'm watching a kick-ass episode of Third Rock right now (Stuffy Guy-"You know, if I hadn't gone into business I believe I'd have gone into physics. Dick-"Yes, and if you had wheels you'd be a bus." Fuck, that's gold!). So yeah, feeling important is very very nice, and is a very very nice change. Tomorrow I'm taking my stage manager's car to go run some massive errands. I'm actually pretty determined . . . I think I'll try to get even more done than I said I'd work at. Thank God for days off of my shitty job and working at my own pace doing theatre work. It's kind of weird how no one seems to get it, you know? Doing work because you want to, rather than for money. My parents in particular just don't get it. Why when i could be toiling at shit I hate and doing it for money when I could be working with a smile on my face building up some risers for self-satisfaction . . . why the hell would I do that?! Weiners. Plus I get to go out and get me as much fast food as $15 can buy.
Also, of course, there's other factors leading to my contentment at the moment. Though Plans C and D fell through and died, Plan B seems to be strengthening. I suppose it's about time I explain what's been going on. When the show began B and I who I knew from working at summer camp with her had some amusing talk involving me having some anal fun with one of the other male actors. That extended and at one point B drew a cute little picture involving my anal molestation of said cast member with both our arms flailing and etc etc. Well, I plainly told her no no, that's not at all the way it would be. I said that I'd have one of my hands firmly embedded in his hair pulling to put that bitch in maximum ass-penetration-related pain. She, however, didn't quite understand how that could work. She told me there was no way that could happen, because simple physics prevented it. She said my arms weren't long enough to be able to do such a thing. I shook my head and told her what a silly girl she was, and said look... if that's the case, then get down on all fours right here, I'll show you. So, right in the middle of rehearsal, she got right down, I took up her rear and showed her, with my right hand firmly planted on her head. I looked to her and she had this enormous grin on her face and we were in that position for a precariously long time. I, in fact, was the one who had to break it.
So that was the first time that happened.
The second time that happened was last night at bingo. I was telling the story to the stage manager, who had actually missed the ordeal. Plan B was also in attendance there. So, when the part came to where she was down on the floor, I looked at her and told her to hunker down and show Stage Manager what had happened. And of course, she did.
So that was the second time that happened.
The third time it happened was tonight. Last night at bingo B and I made a bet. She said that the only reason I was able to reach her hair to pull on it was because she was a girl. She said I wouldn't be able to do it to the guy we were joking about. I told her quite plainly that I could, and bet her the price of getting down in that position again if I could. She gladly accepted, and did it quite quickly, really, without even specifying what she would want should I not be able to do it. Well, tonight I was talking to the guy, the guy who plays Hortensio, the guy in question. Just plain talk, blah blah blah, when suddenly I just turned him around and bent that sucker over. "Hey B! Look at this!" I exclaimed as I had my bitch in the position, and gripped a hunk of his hair. "I told you!" So, when rehearsal got to be over, there she went again, smiling all the way. Ahh, that girl . . . what am I going to do with her?
And oh yeah . . . I came home tonight . . . and my dad was in bed! Sweet deal! Sure, Mary the Clown is still wandering around drunk, but whatever.
Anyhow, I'm off to eat some microwaved pizzas. Peace, yo.
Sun, Jan 14/01 10:54pm
Frig, I should've guessed. Finally got the Bianca for the show. What's she like? Ugly. Of course. Oh, and stupid too. What a great combination. Maybe next rehearsal I can convince her to go downstairs to the workshop and I can sand off some of her nose. Ugh. And the guy playing Petruchio? Oh FUCK! He knows nothing! Hasn't written down any of the stage directions he's gotten, so in every scene he's like, "Wait, I think I go over here . . . do I do this?" Get a pencil, pinhead!! Thanks to him we didn't get anywhere near done what we were supposed to. And of course no one listens to dialogue that isn't theirs and everyone misses their fucking cues, so we have to backtrack for them a couple of times so they can get it right. And I'm fairly sure they're writing these things down in invisible ink, because they have absolutely no clue about any of it later.
So with the Bianca Plan A destroyed, I suppose it's on to plans B and C at the same time. Perhaps even Plan D. One of them has to work, come ON!
And I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Frig, it'll be work all day, then straight to the Sears rehearsal, and then straight to bingo. At least I'll be busy, but damn! And then I have to watch Raw, so my day tomorrow's going to span from 7am til 2am-2:30ish. Hot diggity, maybe I should take Tuesday off instead of Wednesday like I was planning. Hmn. I guess I'll wait and see what we're doing this week at work. If it's more "Gardeners Delight" crap, well . . . it won't be so hard and I'll be able to swing it.
11:00 . . . hmn, I wonder what's on tv. Man, I was really counting on that Plan A. Oh well, Plan B's already begun fairly strong and looks to be going alright and according to schedule. 2 out of 5 . . . not bad at all for one night's work . . . she brought in her mirror for me to fix and agreed to do bingo . . . there's 2 points. Now just 3 more by Sunday, because that's when a certain visitor could throw things out of whack. Hmn, where will those last 3 points come from . . .? Wish I knew.
I always feel quite good after driving my stage managers car. I drove it quite a bit tonight, to the theatre warehouse, to Home Depot, Taco Bell and to go pick up a stranded cast member. I need a car. Maybe then I wouldn't be so ugh about driving my mom's van . . . because I wouldn't have to.
I just feel like writing right now. Lots of crap's been going down lately, and plus I almost want to explain the concepts of my new point system and Plans B-D. But I can't do it. Jinx factor, don't you know. Maybe I'll just end up typing out those Vandals lyrics like I was going to. There's 3 songs off the latest album, 'Look What I Almost Stepped In' that are really relevant to me lately. 'The New You', 'Flowers Are Pretty' and 'San Perdu'.
I'm just going to keep writing because I feel like it, dammit. Finally got back out to Bell tonight, as I mentioned earlier. No tbg there though, OF COURSE. I looked damn good too. Always seems to be the way. I should get all grizzled, grow up some zits and not shower for a couple of days and then go out there. She'd be guaranteed to be there then.
I'm drinking my dad's apple juice. To hell with him. He's supposed to be drinking clear liquids for his medical tests tomorrow, but this stuff isn't clear anyhow, so fuck him. I love apple juice, it's been too long that I've been without. I had to make my lunch for tomorrow with some weird ass multigrain bread that I do not approve of because there was no real bread out of the freezer. Sumadabitch.
Yeah, alright... I guess that about wraps it up. I've got nothing left to write about, and the Buzz is on anyhow. Wish me luck on Plans B-D, eh? I'll be working on B tomorrow, and hopefully all of them on Tuesday again. Ooh, juggling!
Sat, Jan 13/01 1:33pm
You ever see that Saturday Night Live commercial for A.M. Ale? Mary would really dig that stuff. So maybe it's not the am right now, but that's because she never wakes up before noon. I tell you, I know she's been up less than an hour anyhow and she does currently have a beer on the go though, sitting on the dining room table(where her head was placed a couple nights earlier) with a straw in it. Yeah, you find out your sugar-daddy has an ass tumor . . . I guess it *is* Miller time, isn't it?
Fri, Jan 12/01 10:55pm
So my dad probably has a tumor on the wall of his colon.
Strange . . . I've been wondering what he had up his ass for the past 20 years.
Fri, Jan 12/01 12:06am
So I walk in the door from rehearsal... well, actually I try the door first and it's locked, so I unlock it and come in which is a fairly noisy process truth be told. Of course, the house was not unoccupied, but simply Mary the Alcoholic Clown ALWAYS locks it once she's on the warm side of the door. I'm pretty sure that's how she thinks too . . . "I need go warm place . . ." and so on in broken thought.
Anyhow, with the door closed behind me I recognize a lump at the dining room table. There she is in all her glory, drunk and more drunk, and is actually face down on the table with the stereo on.
Fabulous.
But whatever. I go into my room, take off my boots, blah blah blah, and come back out to the kitchen to make tomorrows lunch. At one point I made a rather loud noise doing something and looked out into the dining room to see if it had woken Sleeping Booty-Call. It did. She liftend her empty head with groggy half shut eyes, looked around a little bit, and dropped it back down again with a thud to catch some more zzz's.
Classy. What a classy gal.
But whatever. I'd just finished pouring myself a drink when the phone rang. This is 11:10 at night. She lifts her head again and stares at the cordless phone in front of her, then after a couple of rings decides she'll try to operate the device. I, realizing she often fails at such a task in the best of circumstances, take a short sprint to the living room phone before the machine picks up. I answer, and of course, it's my dad. "Hey Johnny, is Mary there?" I had a million answers, you know. Or at least a cool half dozen, like, "In what sense?" or "Is she ever really 'here'?" But I decided to not bother and just go with the standard, "hold on" to my dad and "can you make the phone work?" to Mary. It takes her a couple tries, but she hits the right button and the back and forth battle of hello's starts. See, it takes a couple tries before she realizes what's happening, and in that time she usually squawks out up to 4 'hello's, depending on her degree of inebriation.
Hot damn.
But whatever. Before I put the phone down I hear my dad ask, "what are you doing?" and as I walk back out to the kitchen to get my coveted drink and I hear, "I was sleeping on the table, what else?" and as an afterthought, "no, just kidding". "You were too," I was heard to remark in the background. My dad called to get her to pick him up at work, I'm guessing, because he's always feeling so sick lately. Either that, or she talked to him and decided to go back to the bar, which would not be at all surprising. I mean, last night she had a delivery service drive a 12 pack over to her, a half hour after she'd come home from the bar and was obviously still drunk. Oh, and she was still quite drunk when my dad asked her to go and get him too, there's some safety for you. Actually, she drives back here wasted every night from the bar.
Oh, but now I'm hearing the Amazing Idiot Duo coming in the door, so happy day, that's my cue to go to bed and avoid all their retardedness the best I can. Even though I should enquire as to why my light switch was broken and my lamp was on and my guitar was strewn across the floor haphazardly. Geez, I really gotta get to work on a whole section for Mary.
And I just did ask. Well, it wasn't my dad, I'll tell you that... Oh well. I'm not going to give him a hard time right now about his bitch, he actually does look to be in really, really rough shape and he's going into emergency tomorrow, apparently. And of course he went back over the, "If I'm in the hospital Mary still lives here you know" speech. Thanks Dad.
Speaking of places to go tomorrow, I have to go to work. Wow, actually *3* days of work in a week, what's wrong with me?! Well, I've put it off as long as I can, I really need to start working more if I ever hope to cover my monthly bills still afford British Columbia this summer, which I HAVE to, that's just not an option.
Still no Bianca to play against me in the show. There's talk of using the dancer with the keloid as the Bianca, which I don't really have a problem with, because she's not bad. And I think I want to touch that lump of skin she's got, I think it'd be weird. Is it squishy? Is it hard? Mysteries, oh the mysteries. Still, it'd be nice to get some other chicks around the place, just to broaden the selection a bit more . . . uh, you know what I mean. I guess I'll find out Sunday night, which is supposed to be the time I'm guaranteed a Bianca. Ooh, tension(but the good kind)!
Wed, Jan 10/01 7:07pm
I just had a luscious pair of peanut butter and jam sandwiches, probably the first ones I've had in maybe 4 years. Mm'mm.
Tues, Jan 9/01 11:44pm
Rehearsal tonight was good fun. A lot of it, actually. I worked with my theatre manager Murray(who I had a great conversation with about growing up) during the day hauling some stuff around, then I did the theatre bingo, then went to rehearsal, where I and another actor tried to figure out which combination of animals each cast member resembled. What did she figure upon about me? Oh yeah, a coyote and some kind of snake, or a wolf and a snake. I think I kind of liked that. Well, the wolf/coyote part anyhow. She said I was whichever was more of a 'lone' animal. I had a couple combinations for her, none of which she really liked, such as girrafe/trout and panda/jackal. Well, she liked the jackal part anyhow.
The search for my Bianca(the character my character wins over and marries) continues. The director thinks he has in mind a 38 year old hag who's just been around and has stood in for her as the part of Bianca, the young buxom young beautiful YOUNG lovely lady. Ugh. I'm not convinced on two levels. One level because she's not right for the role and two because I just plain don't want to end up making out with her, which is what shall undoubtedly happen in this particular situation. So no . . . old girls equal yuck.
I work tomorrow. I think that's about all I have to say about that. It has to be done for a number of reasons.
I'm feeling a bit better over yesterday. A big part, actually. I'm kind of embarassed to give credit to other people for it when I should be able to do it myself, you know? I've always been the independant type that didn't need that much outside aid. And I guess maybe not needing that aid has kept me from getting it, and not getting it has kind of made it that when I do get some support it does that much more for me. So hey . . . Megan and Hoover . . . thanks. A lot.
Tues, Jan 9/01 1:14am
The world won't stop without me.
Sun, Jan 7/01 11:20pm
See John.
See John cry.
Cry, John, cry.
I had my first rehearsal tonight for Taming of the Shrew. I had been looking forward to it for a while, even though the voice of the guy who plays Baptista sounds WAY too much like that creepy digital voice on Radiohead's OK Computer album. And the rehearsal was alright, it really was. I enjoyed it a lot, it took my mind off things quite effectively. There were some new people there tonight because of people dropping out earlier and some people missing the readthrough. One such person was a dancer who happened to have a keloid on her ear that was roughly the size of my pinky finger past the last knuckle. I couldn't stop staring at it. I'd had Wendys before going there and ate it in the theatre parking lot and was satisfied at my first almost great meal the time since Christmas dinner at my mom's.
So that was at least something, but nothing compared to the other junk that plagued me, in particular my dad hounding me for money I didn't have, starving all day and then what happened after rehearsal. The thought of coming home to a couple of drunks didn't really tickle my fancy at 10:00 in the pm, so I figured maybe I'd get *another* meal and spoil myself . . . I mean two in a day?! No way! But, digging through my pockets I found only $3.75, which was just short of a combo at Bell and a chance to see tbg with my new hair and new bad facial hair which has to leave my face tonight, I've decided. So, without enough for a combo, I went to the store for a bag of chips, and figured I'd go
to the park and smoke my last cigar and eat some gross cheap chips and try to relax. Well, I got to the park and it looked like if I parked I'd probably have some trouble getting back out because of all the snow. So I made the attempt to turn around, 3-point style, and of course, got stuck. So, I got out and looked for a pay phone. After some trekking, I found one. I tried to call my stage manager's cell who I thought may have just been leaving the theatre. I thought I knew her number. I called, and it was the wrong number. But her cell number is the same as her home number, so I looked in the phone book for her... and out of everything else in the night, this is what I can't believe the most... the exact page with her number was ripped out. I couldn't believe it. I just stood there. So I tried again, changing one of the numbers and actually got it right, somehow. She came by and picked me up and had another guy in the car who could help get me out. So we drove back over to where I was stuck... and there was a cop car there. And of course, he had just finished reporting it in for whatever reason... and of course, I looked suspicious, and of course... the spare tire was still on it, tempting more questions. So I had to deal with the cop for another 20 minutes. So after enough talking, the cop went away, and after enough pushing, the van pushed free, and I went back to my moms where she had me change some light bulbs for her. And then I came back here, and my dad was asleep, and Mary was wandering around and woke him up and I realized I forgot my chips in my friends car. Even though they were crappy, I still wish I had them because I'm fucking starving and of course, there's fucking nothing because there's never anything here worth coming back to in any recognizable fucking way. And I can't play playstation because it's too loud to be playing this late in my room and I can't take it downstairs because my sister's down there tonight and the next person to step up gets their fucking head blown off.
Sat, Jan 6/01 5:44pm
*YEAH* motherfuckers! Everything going wrong with me just got a big kick to it's fanged face! I did it, I finally did it! ALL the official Bad Religion cd's are now fucking MINE! Bless my brother and his HMV gift certificates. If they weren't for HMV, I wouldn't have had to use them out of town, and then I wouldn't have scored like I did. As I was sitting in Limeridge mall in Hamilton with my new found treasure I could feel the worries dropping off me as I read through the booklet. This cd(No Control, by the way) in particular deals a lot woth frustration on a variety of subjects, with songs like, "Sometimes I Feel Like... ^%!$*", "Anxiety", and "You". Mmm, punk chunks! Picked up a Kung-Fu sampler too, and finally I found me a Dead Kennedys shirt. I guess it was all a little out of my price range, since OSAP's already visited my bank account this month, but oh well, I need this stuff.
The only worry now is how angry my old problems are going to be when they recover from me booting them in the face. Of course, that's a matter to be dealt with by Tomorrow John, or at least Later-Tonight John.
So my dad's on me for phone bill money. I came in the door from the mall and he asked if I had gotten him anything. I looked at him, spit in my hand and held it out to him. He didn't find it as funny as I did, apparently. He keeps telling me he's not buying groceries until he gets that money from me. See, that would be a threat except that he doesn't actually really get anything to eat. I'll tell you the whole grocery list right now. 4 pizza buns, 6 regular buns, half pound of ham, half pound of bologna, can of concentrated juice. That's about it. I think I can get by on what I have been... frozen pizzas, peanut butter and margerine sandwiches, Wendy's takeout, and jugs of pop I stash behind my bed.
Oh yeah, and get this... I'm in the kitchen yesterday and my dad's in the dining room on the phone with his sister. They're talking about bills or some shit, about how he has to pay my mom for all the time my sister's in school, and then he's saying how big of a leech I am and how my sister is so much more independant than I am. I brought this up in the car on the way back from the mall with my mom and sister(they're not the same person though). My sister kind of just stared at me blankly and with eyes that said, "What the HELL are you talking about?! No way..." It's interesting how thick some people can really be. I mean no, I don't let my dad in on that much about me, but you think that he'd pick something up here and there.
Sat, Jan 6/01 2:58am
My dad and his bitch still yelling at each other at 3 am?
You know it!
Fri, Jan 5/01 9:12pm
;lkajsdasf;mkl s[dfjk's'klsdfg;ss;k
What's the fucking point?!
Fri, Jan 5/01 1:25pm
Ohhhh FUCKKKKKKKKKK.
I was in a good mood, you gotta believe me, I swear I was. I was sociable, I was feeling more than alright, I was, really. Yeah, I'd missed work, but I still felt better about that than I would have felt at work. Like seriously... what do I have to do here? Why the suffering? Why the pain? I think I've built about as much damn character as I'm going to, so it's not for that reason. Uhnn, I need to go back to bed. Someone want to make a cool 15 bucks and make a hit on my dad? Maybe playstation will cheer me up.
You know Corky, you *could* take me to the Kingdom tonight. You really could. It's a little bit of a drive, sure, but I took you to North Bay! Twice, kind of. And to Barrie! And how many times did I drive way out there to go see you? Come on, it'd be fun. You can even hug me... and hell, even better I'll give YOU a hug. Yeah, one of my good ones, even. Come on, what do you say?!
Yeah... I thought as much. Fuck, another stupid fucking lonely night at home crying my stupid fucking eyes out... hey look, I'm starting now!
...
Fri, Jan 5/01 12:58am
Oh god, here we go again... I'm condemned, again. Or is it still? Fuck, who knows? I should just enjoy the ride while it lasts... because maybe I'm sick... and I mean really sick... but at heart, it's kind of fun. Arguing just... gets my endorphins going, I guess. Mm'mmm, adrenaline when I should be sound asleep, that's always good. I mean, I have to get up for some gruelling work at 7 or so, yet here I am. Boy am I ever a glutton for punishment.
Who else thinks I should either learn some new HTML or get my ass a page editor? Yeah, thought so. I'll put that on my to-do list, right after having sex with Gillian Anderson and Carla Guguino in a threesome. Or is it Gugino? Oh well, I forget how to spell it, doesn't make her any less freaking hot. The round(not fat, round. There's a big diff) chick from Spin City that was giving it up to ol' Michael J. Fox... you know who I'm talking about, right?
So when I woke up today I overheard my dad telling his doctors secretary about his adventure with a home enema kit... in the bathtub. After that, he came in my room in a bathrobe and proceeded to show me how much weight he's lost in the past three weeks by being constipated. I don't understand how that works out if nothing's... working it's way out. He did so by removing his bathrobe before my eyes. Thanks dad. Oh, and later on I had what I guess is supposed to be a conversation with my dad's retarded alcoholic girlfriend Mary. It took place on two sides of my bedroom door, me inside, her outside, talking through it at me, me with some great classic answers to her odd quesitons and ideas. It was really a shining moment in bastarditity, and I had fun with it, as I often do with people clearly below me. I give it two thumbs up.
And oh yeah, I'm thinking this section's going to be permanent. I'm having some fun with this.
Thurs, Jan 4/01 9:08pm
You know, the easiest way to lose your soul is to be too concerned with saving it.
Hmn, time to shovel snow.
Thurs, Jan 4/01 1:18am
Corkyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Wed, Jan 3/01 6:54pm
Ugh, what a harsh day... but, I'm alive and home alone, so I'm doing alright. Spent the whole day today working the giant plug-in boxes. How big are they? Well, only 16 fit on a skid, if that helps your mental picture. It really wore me out, I ended up putting together 101 boxes of them, yet that still wasn't enough for a bonus. Yesterday when I started on them they said that the quota on them was 11 an hour, so me and the other guy working figured we were on easy street because we pumped out 25 in an hour and a half. Today I found out it was actually 11 per PERSON. Fuck, so it was next to impossible, even working at them with my supervisor today we didn't get it done. So yes, given the option of working at that tomorrow or not, I chose not.
What else was I going to say? Oh, I think I was going to explain that happiness idea from yesterday. I don't know, it just seems that as kids, you get happier easier over... well, basically anything, and for no reason... and it's more intense. I mean, how often do you see a little kid just happy babbling to themself? How often do you get jump-up-and-down happy? Take a look at some old baby-toddler pics of kids aged 2-4. Even their non-happy facial expressions just seem more... intense. And I think perhaps they are... they're raw and unrefined. They haven't been molded yet. It's like a couple days ago, how I was saying I couldn't cry how I wanted to because I cry too loud... well, if I was 3, I wouldn't care and it would be better, right? Bah, this probably isn't making any sense to you, and I'm too tired to make it.
There was one last thing I was thinking. I often spend a lot of time on this site of mine explaining things out, and catering to morons quite often, actually. And you know what? There's absolutely no reason for me to be doing it. There's no reason for me to not be the incredible asshole I often enjoy being, except for criticism and annoyance purposes. Like, if I say "Person A is annoying" on here, that's just never allowed, is it? Person A pesters me then, or, if they're female, pretends nothing's wrong though they're mad mad mad at me. I don't know, I'm just rambling right now, I'll touch back on this junk later. Right now, however, my chocolate milk awaits.
Tues, Jan 2/01 6:22pm
Did a lot of thinking today, however most of it was done on the walk home from work rather than the trashy 8+ hours I was actually at work(where I wore away the initial, useless pink layers of skin on my finger and am now down to the red because of... here's a tip, if you buy a Glade Plug-in and there's somethign red smeared on it, it's my blood). Of the more interesting things I was thinking there were two main ideas. One was about the happiness of children vs the happiness of adults, and one was the similarities between my dad and my dear dog. The second one is more amusing. See, I could pretty much argue all the same points that my parents had for murdering my best friend and the first *anything* I ever loved towards my father right now. The time tested, "Well he's had a lot of good years, but now he just isn't the same" and "I don't know if we can afford to keep him around", "Sometimes he seems to have a lot of energy, but that doesn't change the fact that I just think his mind's kind of gone..." "I think the next time he's got a problem... well, I think that's about it." I really could have something here. I mean, if my parents were allowed to kill the one thing I loved in my early years... the one friend who sat with me through everything... who I shared everything with... then why-- why can't I euthanize my dad? He shares all the same traits as my poor old dog did, except for the fact that I liked my dog. I think it's a definite possibility.
I'll tell you one thing... I especially love the bottle of "Laxtil" --liquid laxative which my dad keeps in the kitchen counter. I sure hope someone comes over and asks him about it so he can tell them that in fact yes... he is 'backed up up to here', as he pokes himself in the throat. Mmm'mm, quite a picture dad.
And now the drunken girlfriend monster is fumbling aroun in the dining room, dropping a whole bunch of I know not what. My back aches and I feel murder on my tongue... what a night I have in store for me.
Tues, Jan 2/01 2:04am
Dammit!! Not only is there no meat, there's no frikking bread either!! Geez, looks like it's going to be a vending machine lunch for me tomorrow. Su-PERB.
Tues, Jan 2/01 1:40am
You know, I really love wrestling. I only wish the Rock would lose a match or two now and then and Kane would win one. But that could just never happen could it? Fuck.
I worked bingo tonight for my theatre company. That's how they raise funds to keep things going. At the 9:00 point in the evening hordes of old people shuffle towards you demanding bingo cards, and they all have specific hang ups about how they select their cards. THey'll say, "I want 3 from that pile, one from the middle of that pile and two from over there," or something else equally crazy. And you CAN'T wish them luck, or they freak out. At least I get candy while I'm there, and hear lots of gossip.
Hey, look at that!! They actually just let Kane beat the Rock! Fucking cool!
Oh, but anyways, I was going to say what's on my desktop right now. At the moment I'm working on 6 different writings called: the Clearnet Time Machine, the Suicide Parade, a day without anger, the Ratmen Invasion, BLOODSTORM, and I've got another file full of little haiku's. I hadn't written a haiku since like grade 6 or something, I thought it'd be fun to try writing a couple. Of course, none of them have the innocence they did back then.
I have to work tomorrow, I don't really want to. Frig, still have to make my lunch. I hope there's some lunch meat left, considering the struggle I had to win to just get my dad to buy *any* food this week. The concept of work especially sucks when you consider I'll get to sleep at about 2:30 and wake up at 7:25, and that I spent a good half of the weekend laying in bed playing Final Fantasy 8, which is now my new favourite playstation game... even better than #9. Hm, work or playstation, which would be better? At least I'll get out to the mall to cash in my music store gift certificate. Maybe they'll *actually* have some Avail in stock. Wow, that'd be amazing luck... especially compared to the error message I keep getting while I'm trying to save this to protect against the sudden crashes which my computer enjoys so much.
Wish you were online, Pix'.
Mon, Jan 1/01 3:17am
Well, I just came back from a quaint little new years party type thing, and I'm at the point where I'm kind of tired, but kind of want to stay up and think but kind of don't because I know the thoughts are going to revolve around things I don't want to think about alone. And of course, that's what I am... alone. For the first time at new years in, ohh... 5 years. Kind of weird, but in a way kind of scary because of how the same every new year's eve feels.
Of course, I most likely could have had things different with one girl in particular at the little gathering who stole me away in the kitchen for a while to talk to me, but it just wasn't the right thing for me to do or be involved in. Not at all. A pretty, shapely girl, but just... no. Of course, I probably say that now because I'm here alone. Had she been forward enough to propose or instigate anything herself then this might be a very different writing right now.
Hmn, on second thought, maybe I should have made a resolution to take more chances with other people. It's most likely something that'll just bug me for a day or two though and then fade away, like so many other missed situations to put my little commando in action.
Well... right or wrong or whatever else... I still feel terrible and lonely right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hmn, lately that's about the only idea keeping me going... 'maybe tomorrow will be better'. I should be happier because of one certain secret event, but I just can't find it in me to be unless I really concentrate. Shit. I cried today, a couple of times, actually. I didn't want to feel better, but this stupid optomism of mine keeps coming back to haunt me and pushes me on for a while, and I'm okay... determined, even... and then I go back to crying. And it's not even the crying I need to or want to do. I have to hold back even then, because I cry very loudly and I really didn't need any assholes barging in here and commenting on it. And now for some reason my left arm feels really tingly and tight. I really hope it's not a stroke.
Oh wait, almost forgot... yeah... happy fucking new year.
Sun, Dec 31/00 1:25pm
Fuck, anybody want a roommate? This requires a lot of thinking. Do I stay here and pay my dad? Do I move to my mom's? Maybe strike out on my own where I'd most likely be a LOT happier, but would be sweating my ass off to make ends meet and would be writing off post-secondary altogether most likely. But who says schooling equals success? Does success come anywhere near equating with happiness? Fuck.
I can't believe I missed Chris' call before he left to go back to school. I go over to my mom's for 10 damn minutes to bring the van back to her and I end up cleaning the whole first floor, changing the batteries in all the smoke alarms, packing all the decorations and taking the Christmas tree out to the curb. Somehow I have to bring up the topic of, "Um, how much would you charge me in rent?" to her without letting her know my dad's intent on charging me, or she'll try to take advantage of me the same way everyone else tries to. This is what I needed.
Sun, Dec 31/00 1:29am
I didn't plan on doing this until the new year at least for some reason. Not that I find any real renewence in the passing of a certain day, but just because, I guess. So why now? There's been a lot happening in a short while. Tonight there was a big family bru-ha-ha at my mom's place with family absolutely *everywhere*. It was almost kind of fun, in a sick way. My brothers gave me burned cd's and a couple of music store gift certificates. I was quite happy with them. Better than getting golf balls, like I got them.
Ken and Chris and I went out to the titty bar in Stoney Creek/Hamilton and had ourselves a good time. I always get along very well with strippers, even though they know I have no cash. It was a good time, I bought us all some Taco Bell afterwards for the drive home. Hey, when I have cash, everyone has cash, it's all good.
So then, with me on top of the world I come home to a very drunk father who needed to have a 'talk' with me. I played up the alcohol angle and said I was really tired and wouldn't be able to understand him, but he persisted and told me how he would be charging me and his girlfriend rent. $50 a week, $200 a month, which on top of OSAP payments is going to be really fucking tough on me. Especially considering the fact that I hate this place enough as it is, and now I get to pay to be here? I had to leave, I was so damned angry about it. I told him I had to meet someone at Hortons and went to my moms. That piece of shit has never deserved to hear the truth out of my mouth once in his life, no reason to give it to him now. I sat at my mom's for a while, but the urge to talk to someone on icq really won over my anger at being here. But now, there's no one to talk to. Smooth move Johnny.
I've got a lot of big decisions to make very soon, I think. A what, three wheres and a whole lot of hows come to mind.
So with this trash heaped on me... what keeps me going at all now...?
Somebody loves me.