What about Skinner? you ask. Well, well, well. Skinner. I was hoping I would be able to spare you this sordid tale of woe, but I see now that I have no choice. So, without further ado, I give you: "The Truth: Skinner, or, Where The Heck Was Skinner Last Night, Anyway?"

It all began the night before the rigamarole over popsialien started, when our hero, Assistant Director Walter "The S DOES stand for Sergei" Skinner was headed home to his Crystal City appartment. Skinner was rather tired after his long day of bathroom cleaning--the CSM had been rather cranky lately. You see, several days before, CSM had a run-in with a certain Special Agent Fox "Who Ate My Eggroll? Now I Can't Think Properly" Mulder in the drugstore.

CSM was shopping for some mouthwash--that smoking does a number on your breath and gets you absolutely NOWHERE with the chicks--when BAAAMMMM!!! he finds himself pinned up against the wall of toothpaste by an irate Mulder, who was on the prowl for some cheap flipflops to wear with his Speedos when he saw CSM holding a bottle of green fluid, and came to the only conclusion Mulder's capable of coming to: Aliens.

So, anyway, Action!Mulder bodyslams Shopping!CancerMan and pulls out his trusty gun and sticks it at the sucker's head. Ignoring the panicked screams of the fleeing shoppers and drugstore personnel who, I'm sorry to report, just didn't know that CSM has the uncanny ability to have everyone and his adopted brother pull a gun on him and come out clean, Mulder says, "Drop the alien blood! It's proof that we're not alone in the universe, and you've been trying to hide it!"

At this point, CSM makes a mistake. He says, "Mr. Mulder, I assure you that all this is is a bottle of mouthwash."

Mulder's eyes widen. His grip on CSM loosens as he stumbles back in shock. "My god," he whispers. "So *that's* how you've hidden it."

CSM blinks and says, "Mr. Mulder, I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about" which really means "What's up with YOU?" which only furthers Mulder's suspicions, and he yells "You bastard! You've been feeding the American people toxic alien blood in the form of Scope! You won't get away with this, you black-lunged sonofabitch!" and grrrrabs CSM's bottle of mouthwash and sprints out of the drugstore, with the security guard chasing after him.

Slightly peeved, CSM brushes himself off, and goes to grab another bottle of mouthwash. Oh, NO! He'd gotten the last bottle, and now Mulder had it and was taking it to be analyzed at the FBI SciCrimes Lab! The next morning he shows up in Skinner's office, in a bad mood and with extremely bad breath. "Mr. Skinner, I want to talk to you about Agent Mulder!" he barks.

Skinner, who was woken up at three in the morning by a call from Mulder asking him to come spring him from jail where he'd been put under the charge of shoplifting because he'd tried Scully, but she'd hung up on him, and had to go down to the jail and hassle the officer in charge to let Mulder out, and then pay the $100 bail, and THEN have to drive Mulder home all the while listening to some incoherent story about the CSM mouthwash and alien blood and his new Speedos, most definitely did NOT feel like talking about Mulder. He tells CSM this. CSM's eyes widen, he takes a long drag on his cigarette, and cooly informs Skinner, "Don't toy with me. I've seen presidents die."

Skinner's just about to ask what the HELL that has to do with ANYTHING, when a little blue light on the corner of his desk begins to blink. Quickly, he glances over at CSM, but CSM's too busy looking smug to notice the light. Cool as a cucumber, Walty, Skinner thinks to himself, play it cool. So he pins CSM with a contempt-filled look and says, "Excuse me. I just remembered that I'd promised my sister that I'd watch her houseplant while she's gone." He leaves.

As he exits his office, Skinner throws a furtive glance around before asking his secretary, "Where did the call come from?"

She frowns thoughtfully. "Michigan, sir. 1311 Rosebud Ct., Lansing, MI."

Skinner nods solemnly. "Very well. Cover for me." And with that, he LEAPS out the window and flys away, which leads us to an interesting question: just how DOES Skinner fly, anyway? Personally, I think he's got some sort of mental anti-gravity switch that he flips, letting him just glide away when he holds his arms out. But, on with the story...

"But Moooooom!" whines Little Johnny John-John. "I don't wanna eat anymore peas! Can't I just keep mashing them into the carpet!"

"Absolutely not!" snaps Mrs. Anne Capers. "You're making a mess! Go to your room."

"Mooooom..."

"NOW, Johnny John-John!" Little Johnny John-John departs, amidst much grumbling. Anne surveys the wreckage. Peas, now merely a green goo, are everywhere. Her lovely snow-white shag carpeting is in RUINS!

"Oh, God!" Anne cries, "However will I get it cleaned up before the bridge club gets here at 10?"

"Never fear, ma'am!" comes a deep voice. Anne turns, gasps, and nearly swoons as MR. SKIN flies in through the door (which Little Johnny John-John conveniently left open a while ago). MR. SKIN lands on the once spotless snow white shag carpeting. "Your dirty days are over!"

But, wait, what's THIS?! A shadow is falling over the Capers house! Anne and MR. SKIN look up in alarm, and, in his room, Little Johnny John-John pauses in his game of "Let's Mutilate My Sister Sally's Barbies to See How Loud it Makes Her Scream."

"MWAA HAA HAA!!" An evil laugh surrounds them all. "MWWWWAAAA HAAAAA HAAAA!!!!"

"Wh-what is it?" gasps Anne. MR. SKIN's brow furrows in consternation. "I'm not quite sure, but whatever it is, it's no match for--"

KAAAABLLOOOOOOOIIIEEEEEEE!!!!! The Capers's house vanishes in a fireball.

WHAT WAS THE MYSTERIOUS LAUGHING SHADOW? WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HEROES? IS MR. SKIN GONE FOR GOOD? STAY TUNED FOR WHATEVER EXPLANATION THE AUTHOR CAN THROW TOGETHER IN OCTOBER.

You see why I didn't want to tell you originally?