THE TRUTH (Part I):

We know that DD is signed for another year and the movie at least, so he's got to be back, right? Right. Which means that Mulder *must* be alive, right? Wrong!

Scully, maddened with grief and mentally disturbed due to the growth of her brain tumor, carries Mulder's dead body around a la "Weekend at Bernie's." (I can see them on the road now, investigating a case--Scully: "Alright, Ma'am, I have to do an autopsy, so Agent Mulder is going to ask you a few questions about anything you may have witnessed last night. Please try and answer them to the best of your ability. Mulder, call me when you're done.").

But, what's this? Little does Scully know that it's not *really* Mulder's body. No! It's Eddie Van ("the H is silent") Blundht! You see, Eddie had escaped from jail and showed up at Mulder's appartment with the intention of cold-cocking 'im and taking on his identity again. This time, however, Mulder was prepared and beat up Eddie, stole his "Superstar!" baseball cap, and ran off to Mexico, where he and Krycek are currently plotting to lead a peasant revolution over the government of shadows and replace it with a Republic of Truth, Light, and GoodStuff.

Several months down the road the real Mulder shows up again in D.C., to find Scully still dragging "his" dead body along on cases with her. "Scully!" he says, "What are you doing?" Unfortunately, Scully doesn't recognize him because he's grown a moustache, an accent, and insists on being called "Che."

But, wait! Scully notices that Mulder's wearing Eddie's "Superstar!" baseball cap, and immediately jumps to the logical conclusion: Mulder is Eddie Van Blundht! This is wrong, of course, because she's carrying around *Eddie's* dead Mulder body, not Mulder's dead Mulder body. She rams Mulder with Eddie's dead Mulder body, turns, and flees to Hawaii where she spends the rest of her life sipping pina coladas with Juan, her personal masseur, totally cancer-free, because Pendrell has beamed himself down from the mother ship and used his advanced alien scientific knowledge to cure her.

Meanwhile, Mulder's peasants quickly lose interest in the whole revolting thing and the bulk of them end up starting warring hot dog stands in New York. The fierce economic competition drives most of them out of business, and they sail back to Mexico, which is just fine with them because it was sunnier there anyway. As for Mulder, he attempts to go public, but the networks found his story of alien-government collaboration to create a master race of alien-human hybrids of aliens who can morph into looking like anyone (even Nick Cage), using alien technology gotten from aliens that look like they came out of a car engine who can possess anyone (even Nick Cage) to create a master race of bees in a massive Bee Husbandry project designed to start a smallpox epidemic a little hard to sell, so they refused to run his made-for-tv movie on it (starring Nick Cage).

All, that is, except for FOX. However, the FOX network would only run Mulder's movie on the condition that they could change a few plot details. "Fine," said Mulder, "At least SOMEBODY'S going to show it." So, the show went on the air, but Mulder was a little distraught when he saw a scene that the network had added in in which "he" and "Scully" (played by Courtney Love) have wild, passionate sex in an airplane bathroom, not because it was historically inaccurate, rather, it was *too* accurate and now the whole world knows that the sight of those little pine-tree shaped air fresheners really turns him on and that Scully told him that she'd had better sex by herself.

As the credits fade on his tv set, Mulder hears a knock at the door, and when he gets up to answer, the door is kicked in, and there stands SCULLYBROTHER, who is pissed that some whacked-out guy with a penchant for aliens, paranormal activities, and air fresheners, who faked his own death only to return at the head of a completely unsuccessful peasant revolution wearing a "Superstar!" baseball cap, a moustache, and insisting on being called "Che," did the nasty with his little sister.

SCULLYBROTHER advances into the room, and is just about to whip Mulder's skinny little ass, when he gets a call on his cell phone telling him that a volcano is about to explode in the South Pacific, and he must stop it before thousands of innocent lives are lost. "Ah'll be bahck," says SCULLYBROTHER, who promptly flies out of the window.

Mulder, however, decides it would not be prudent to wait around, and runs off to the mountains of Peru, devoting his life to hunting down the legendary Mantis Men, and making a few bucks on the side selling bananas from a road side stand.

THE END