The Truth IV, or, "They're Magically Delicious!"

"WHAT'S THIS???" you're thinking in outrage, "Our beloved St. Scully, deluded enough to carry around Eddie's dead Mulder body and NOT NOTICE the difference??? Come on, give her some credit!"

You are very perceptive, my little dumplings. Our beloved St. Scully is WAY too smart to fall for any such scam. The morning after the Hearing before the FBI Fathers, Scully herself called a meeting with her superiors, for reasons yet to be revealed.

The FBI brass filed into the room--Section Chief Blevins, A.D. Skinner (who was back after a sudden and unexplained two day vacation to apparently nowhere), the Cigarette Smoking Man (who, as you'll recall, was suffering from extremely bad breath due to Mulder's absconsion of all the Scope in the Washington Metropolitan area under the incorrect assumption that it was, in fact, alien blood given a Cool Mint flavor and sold to an unsuspecting public), Attorney General Janet Reno (who was present only in spirit, channeled through a glowing hunk of quartz sitting on the table next to Skinner), and Joe Schlomo (the man with a plan...and a hot dog stand!).

Silence descended upon the room as Scully entered. "Gentlemen--and the spirit of Janet Reno--" she began, "I come before you today with the express purpose of telling all of you the truth. I'm going to come clean." Skinner perked up.

"That's impossible!" spat the Cigarette Smoking Man, "Everybody knows you're not fully clean unless you're Zest-fully clean! And I know for a fact that no one in this room could possibly have felt the cool, refreshing cleaning power of Zest in the shower this morning." He leaned back to take a drag on his cig before continuing. "Agent Mulder confiscated all the bars of Zest he could get his hands on just a few days ago. He believes it's really made from beeswax produced by smallpox carrying uberBees."

So that's why the CSM smells so bad, Scully reflected. But...there was another scent in the room besides that of grungy old man...and it was coming from...Skinner?

"Do I smell smoke?" she asked no one in particular.

Skinner turned bright red. "Excuse me for a moment," he said, stood up, and quickly exited the room. When he re-entered, a wave of lemon-freshness came with him. Scully briefly wondered if hanging him from her rear view mirror would make her car smell any better, but decided that if she didn't get arrested, she'd at least get in a wreck, because his body would severly limit her visibility. "What's this about the truth, Agent Scully?" asked the subject of her reverie.

"Yes. Sir, it has come to my attention that the only aliens at work here, Tunguska, New Mexico, ANYWHERE are the Wellesleani, a race of uberWomen who travel the universe in their great starcruisers, each of which is a veritable world unto itself. I know this because I have been contacted by the denizens of one ship, the one known as FREEMAN."

This elicited no response, so she continued, "Last night, I was visited by one of the Wellesleani, and she explained how THEY were behind most all of the mishaps Agent Mulder and I have uncovered in the past few years. They, and a little man known as Mr. Campbell, whom you gentlemen might recognize as our friend the Oilean. I have been charged with telling you that there is no stopping these Wellesleani, they've already begun implementing their PROJECT. And I'm taking three months personal leave to go to Tahiti. During that time, I will expect you to construct a Mulder clone for me to work with so that the X-Files may continue on as usual after my return." And with that, she vanished.

Scully re-materialized in the offices of the Lone Gunmen, where a lone Frohike sat playing Revenge of the Pong Masters on his Atari. "Listen you," Scully snapped, "I know you're in contact with the real Mulder, and I know that he's fled the country only to return at the head of a peasant revolution. Well you can just tell him that if he ever crosses my path again, he and his family jewels will be very, very, sorry." And with that, she vanished.

A very shaken Frohike ran over to his long distance walkie talkie. "Sultan of Swank to Little Green Man, Sultan of Swank to Little Green Man, come in!" he radioed to Mulder, who was at that moment standing in the San Antonio airport, disguised as a leprechaun (so no one would recognize him).

"I read you SwankTank," the six-foot-two man with green face paint radioed back. "Red's on to us!" Frohike reported.

"You'd better watch out, dude, she's after your lucky charms!"

...to be continued... (so, what's wrong with building an entire story around one line, huh?) -