Attraction of Female Attention Potentiated by Huggenvik levels in ICBM
Adam J. Cambray
Laboratory of Clinical and Relationship Sciences, National Institutes of Utopic Studies; University Bay, Madison, WI 53705
I. Abstract
Female attraction has been attributed to any number of attributes, however, a true consensus has, to date, remained elusive. The current study set out to investigate the hypothesis that Huggenvik men are "hot cakes," and what force(s) may be responsible. Unsuspecting women were exposed to various levels of Huggenvik presence over a period of several hours. Extractions of a particular Huggenvik power known as supa-jive mojo were also administered to the same women. Finally, Huggenvik mojo was inhibited by co-expression of football in a loss of function experiment. Ladies significantly increased eye batting (59.7 + 2.3 bats/hr) and general attraction (120-180% 95% confidence interval) over controls in response to Huggenvik presence and supa-jive respectively. Supa-jive inhibition by football administration was found to reduce the number of kissing encounters (10 + 1.2%) from control (90 + 3.4%). This is the first study to show increased female attraction to Huggenvik supa-jive mojo.
II. Introduction
The male attempts to understand the female thought process were first described by God et. al.1 in ∞ BC. Though little progress was made early on, later thinkers postulated and later proved the attention of females could be increased in proportion to the amount of poetry read her 2,3. The term wooing was later coined describing the procedure by which poetry was used in the modulation of female emotions. Arthur Fonzarallie challenged the wooing theory in 1956 in his groundbreaking paper, "Aaaayyyyy Being Cool on Happy Days." The cool hypothesis was soon taken up by others4 and became the dogma of relationship sciences in the latter half of the 20th century. Numerous methods of developing the "cool" fueled an industry. These scientific endeavors lead to the development of You Sexy Thing beakers (Hot Chocolate Inc.), the She's a Bad Mama Jama microscope (Nikon) used so commonly today, and the universal precautions afro (Bighair.com). The Buff-hypothesis introduced by Fabio et al 5 in the 1980s gained some support from those left in the wooing camp and my have a promising future. Critics of the buff theory suggest that in the absence of other mechanisms of courtship, women attracted by the buff preparation may be superficial impurities.
Though several of the wooing theories have gained support over the years, the principal investigator found none of the theories sufficient to be causative of female attention. It has been clear, however, that women will go to great lengths to search out Huggenvik men and honoraries6. Our current hypothesis was that individual traits may synergize with one another creating a wooing power not yet encountered and that this power may be in some way linked to the a famed Huggenvik mojo.
III. Materials
and Methods:
Test Subjects: A non-random selection of Beautiful Christian Women (BCW) were selected from the general world population and sequestered in a small test center on Narcissus Ln. Minneapolis MN. Male subjects (n=17) were the kind gift of the Huggenvik Institution for the advancement of ICBMs.
Protocol: Female subjects were divided into one of three groups 1. ethanol (n=15), 2. marijuana (n=0), 3. Huggenvik (n=17). The ethanol group received 0.5oz EtOH/kg over 1 hour. The marijuana group received a 0.02 µg/kg TCP I.V bolus. The Huggenvik BCW group was allowed to interact with Huggenvik men and associated honorary members for 1 hour. Female eye batting was assessed by reverse electrophoton telemetry recorded to an analogue sheet and desktop PC (NEC 6400).
To test the mojo hypothesis, supa-jive was obtained as previously described7. Briefly, two thugs (Picture 1) obtained the mojo by assembling Huggenvik men, to which 75.69% homogenized brute force was added. The mixture was then centrifuged at 14,000g x 10 min. The supernatant was discarded and the pellet washed x3 with 2M HCl before being resuspended in 50g Coco Butter (courtesy of Dr. Dickson U. Kansas). Ladies received mojo backrubs from Dr. Rocketman and backrub-slut Dr. Tompkins. Attractometometry immunoeletrophoresis was used to quantify female attraction to pictures of huggenvik men (Picture 2) that were flashed on into flat screen TVs (Sony HDTV).
Finally, loss of function experiments were used to confirm causality of Huggenvik mojo. Control Huggenvik men (n=5) were allowed to increase their mojo over a period of 10 hours. In a second group (n=5) a compound known as football (PD 6497) was used to block mojo activity. In the third group (n=4), mojo activity increased for 6 hours after which football was added. % of Huggenvik men being kissed was used as the endpoint.
Statistics: Student paired T-tests of inverse variable proportions and effectiveness were used to analyze all data. P< 0.05 was considered significant.
Picture 1. The photograph shows the process for obtaining the mojo.
Picture 2. Huggenvik picture used to attract ♀.
There were no statistical differences in age or any of that other crap (data not shown). Female eye batting decreased with EtOH (figure 1) and increased to a similar degree with under marijuana administration. There were no actual women (n=0) in the marijuana trial, but the numbers seemed reasonable to the principal investigator. Those women exposed to Huggenvik men exhibited a significantly greater increase in eye batting. There was a consistent increase in female attraction to Huggenvik pictures with increased supa-jive (Figure 2). Regression analysis indicates there may be no end to the increase so long as supa-jive keeps jiving. Similarly, % of Huggenvik men getting some kiss'en increased with increasing mojo (Figure 3). Blocking of the mojo with football was able to partially block kissing when administered after mojo; and able to completely block kissing prior to mojo.
Figure 1. The minutes of female eye batting were assessed after exposure to ethanol (1),marijuana (2), and Huggenvik men (3).� P< 0.05
Figure 2. Supa-jive mojo was administered to test subjects monitored by the attractometometry.
Figure 3. Test subjects kissed Huggenvik men undergoing mojo deprivation control (▲), normal mojo activity (■), and normal mojo followed by mojo blockade (x) at 6 hours. P< 0.05
V. Discussion
Time spent batting eyes was clearly correlated with the presence of Huggenvik men. The inverse relationship with EtOH administration and eye batting may be the result of generalized eye lid droop and apathy following the experimental conditions, however this is not yet clear. Marijuana experiments were not carried out, but thought to generally increases eye batting secondary to TCP induced seizure. It is also clear from the data that attraction of female attention may be increased with increasing concentrations of Huggenvik mojo. These results are consistent with previous studies in our lab8,9, however the mojo had not then been identified as the active compound.
The details of the current study have been patented because interest in such data may have financial and other repercussions. Problems with lack of mojo control has been clearly demonstrated in the past. USA military attempts to harness the mojo on bikini island in the south Pacific lead to unfortold consequences as previously recorded10. Further more, the ethical pitfalls of attempts to synthesize artificial mojo have been demonstrated by Fox et al11.
These data contrast with that of BCW et al12 who suggested that the ICBM was controlled by BCW mojo. Further studies are needed to resolve such issues. The author suggests the BCW continue efforts to improve swooning of Huggenvikers with the BCW mojo and further more the author volunteers for such studies. In an interdisciplinary effort, the principal investigator suggests cooperation with the US Women's Soccer Team.
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