| Jemma: Bebe's always classy.
Bethy: Always, even when she's deep throating a banana. ****** Stephanie: So did you have fun? Sue: Oh god... sex 4 times a day... you should SEE the bruises on the inside of my thighs. ****** Rick (sax player for Chicago): Hey, Belle, baby! You on again tonight? Belle: No... they just want me standing IN the building in case the bimbo decides not to show up. ****** NYC Cop: So who do you know in the show? Me: One of my friends is in the cast NYC Cop: Who? We know everybody with that show. Me: Roxane Carrasco? Pretty, about my height, dark hair... NYC Cop: Oooh yeah - we know her Me: And then my friend Leon works backstage - so between the two of them, I was always at the theatre NYC Cop: You're friends with Leon? My condolances ****** Bethy: I have seen you in the show a bunch of times... You're great. I just have never gotten to meet anyone after the show Rox: Well, then YOU'RE just a loser! ****** Elaine: Are you prejudiced against the candi-happed? Me: Did you just say "candi-happed"?? Elaine: .......... I might have ****** Me: I told him I miss him. slap me haha Christine: no! i'm gonna slap HIM! he should be mounting you from behind RIGHT NOW. Me: ROTFLMAO Christine: the only slapping that should be going on is his hand on your bare ass... ****** Me: I'm bored. Entertain me. Mom: Entertain you?! Who do you think I am? The cast of Chicago? ****** Trace: Rox? Did you hear that? In all the years she's known us, she doesn't have our autographs!? Rox: How is THAT possible?! Oh wait, I know... That's because you're a BIG LOSER! *puts hand on forehead in an L* ****** Me: So because I'm a loser.... Rox: Yeah, but you're our loser and we love you! ****** Me: What are these raffle tickets for? Mom: That means you get to take Leon home Me: Oh mom, I don't need a TICKET to take him home! ****** Caroline: I'm a funny lesbian! I'm Ellen Me: Alright, KAREN Caroline: "Grab a bottle, hunker down and pray for daylight!" Me: HA! YES! Caroline: I. LOVE. HER ! I would be her bitch in a by God New York minute ****** MdJ: Did you enjoy the show? Me: *nods and smiles* You didn't hear me?! MdJ: *laughs hysterically* It's a gift, Heather!!! ****** *smoke alarm goes off* Bubbles: Sorry, it was my hot body ****** Leon: I'm so glad the two of you met... you have a lot in common and you're the most sane out of everyone Me: Sweetie, you've known me HOW long and you're calling ME sane? ****** Me: Omg.. I am sooooo fat.... I look like hell... Sharon: If I meet you and you are ridiculously thin, I am going to smack the Strawberry right off your Shortcake, Princess!! ****** Me: She's heard nothing but the best about you! Rox: DAMN! ****** Me: Here... *hands him money* Leon: What's this for? Me: It's a tip for being so cute.... it's your change! Leon: Oooh do I have to dance for it? ****** Me: Mom! Mom look! It's John!!!!!! Mom: John who? Me: Dossett Mom: *stares blankly at screen* Me: Michele's husband..... Mom: Which Michele? Me: Pawk, mom. Mom: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH .... He's cute. ****** Me: Sorry, having a moment Bethy: With that ass, who wouldn't be?? ****** Christine: it's COLD, ya gotta keep warm somehow! and what better way than with the tongue of a big black man down your throat.. he's KINDA good looking.. and diesel.. Me: hell yeah!!! ****** Random Friend of Rox's: There is something SO wrong with her... She is NOT right in the head Me: Well, neither am I - that's probably why we get along so well! ****** Me: I was like "I met God, and she's a cute, spastic mexican..." Sarah: Bianca is God and I am her bitch... I'm God's Bitch. ****** Me: Well we ARE all latina... Sarah: Carrasco, Colon, and Garcia. Cmon, you three might as well be wearing "Somos Puertoriquennas" signs Me: I dunno where Vicki is from.... Sarah: Well.... Donna Marie might as well have come off the boat, so Vicki is the missing link... I mean, c'mon - Elio? seriously. If you're named from a FROZEN PIZZA, don't even try to play that you're not Italian ****** Caroline: She's such a romantic. That's why I married her...she's such a smooth talker! Me: LMAO Caroline: The moment she said "You look like a two dollar whore giving back change" I knew it was love ****** Me: Don't make me hit you Leon: Promises, promises ****** Cindy: Um... Whaaaaaaaat? ::we exchange looks:: Me: Well, um, don't YOU frolic in the forest with YOUR friends?! Cindy: As often as possible... ****** Sarah: Oooh Ooooh ooh! I have a theme song for you!!! Me: oooooh geez.... Sarah: (to the tune of copacobana) her name was heather, she was a diva, with little sparkles in her hair, and her top cut way down there. with her recorder, she'd see chicago, and once all that jazz had begun, you would know she's havin fun,. across the crowded stage, that show is all the rage...with all that jazz and liquore galore who could ask for more at the shubert, right next to times square, you're sure to have lots of good times there. down at the shubert, right next to tiiiiiimes squaaaaaare, jazzing and dancing its all so entrancing at the shubert, come see the show.... ****** Me: Yeah, didn't she totally fall out of her top once? Sarah: Yep - that's the whole boob grab. "Yes ladies and gentlemen now not only do donna's breasts pop out of her dress at random but they address the audience as well!" ****** Sarah: I swear to you, I pulled a muscle rolling my eyes... Me: That bad huh? Ruined the show? Really? Sarah: Well no, Pope ruined the show for me - Gabby just added insult to injury ****** Vicki: Who was that? Me: Judy Pucci... she wants us to interoffice her a roll of toilet paper... Vicki: Oh Jesus Christ... now we gotta wipe her ass too?! ****** Me: Oh shut up you are NOT fat! Vicki: You know how lava slowly spreads and eventually engulfs everything? That's what my ass is - slowly spreading and eventually it's gonna engulf everything ****** Me: I was like 'Oh my god... they blew Vicki up! That's not cool!' Dude, they blew you up! Vicki: They didn't blow ME up.... They blew the bus up... I just happened to be underneath it. ****** Me: My mother pierced her belly button... Wanda: For god's sake, WHY? Me: I dunno.. she had belly button rings and wanted to use them Wanda: Good lord... Well, if she had a cock ring would she grow a cock to wear it in? ****** Me: Um.. well I have on hip hugger bell bottoms with a large bell and lace up front, a black tank top with a gold star on it and steve madden boots.. how does that sound? Sharon: HO-licious! LORDY! That outfit says... maybe... Eat me, I'm a danish ****** Me: Gary was Guido DeBanker, Vicki was Sheila, I was Bambi, Jack was Mr Magoo, and Dottie was Mrs Doubtfire Cindy S: haha Me: I still have customers who call me Bambi. I'm convinced several of them dont know my real name haha Cindy S: LOL! Leon should be 'Thumper' then.... ****** *JM knocks on the top of the island* Cassie: Come in! *Cassie comes out of the cabinet* Danelle: You're not supposed to say that! You let him find you! Cassie: But he was knockin'!!! ****** Paige: Oh Jesus, Joseph and Mary, what am I gonna do?! *insert puzzled look from Rox here* Rox: Ooooooh baby! You're talking to the WRONG people! ****** Lisa: I'm going back to do.... crack... wait, no... not crack... dammit. CRAP. I have to go now ****** Sarah: I�m moist Me: Ewe Sarah: I�m not moist THERE ****** Evelyn: You know what's fun when you can't feel anything? Dismembering yourself. ****** John Michael: If Leon asked you to marry him, would you say yes? Me: Yes John Michael: Then you could move away and live happily ever after in the land of bunnies! *insert odd look from me here* John Michael: ...or maybe that's my dream ****** Cedric: She had my face lookin� like a glazed donut! ****** *about Leon* Beth: He�s charming Me: He could charm the pants right off me ****** Sarah: I'm having issues... there's water on me ****** *at Little Shop on Broadway* Little girl sitting in front of us: Do they act this thing out or something?? ****** Klara: Moosey is the mouse that was in my classroom.... we all saw him and the custodian came and chased him out the window Sasha: They threw him out the window?! Klara: No, he jumped Me: He committed suicide! Sasha: No, he committed mouse-icide! ****** Gary: It's Fleet Week in New York City Heather.... you must be in your glory Me: Oh I am... the best way to get over a man is get under another one! *Gary almost collapses laughing* ****** Melody: I think between the two of them..... well, they're gonna give me a run for my money Leon: HAH! I don't know about him.... but her..... well..... *starts laughing hysterically * ****** Jemma: You hurt my heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead! I love you but you hurt my head. *pats you* ****** Me: John Michael! Get me the vibrating duck off my dvd player JM: Why? Me: Because my neck's killing me and I want to use it JM: Okay...... (*comes back holding the duck*) But this hasn't been used anywhere, er, questionable, has it? Me: No John Michael, it hasn't. I'm sorry if I don't find the thought of a ducks beak in my crotch appealing and exciting. ****** Kitty: Heather: The Vibrator Slayer! ****** Me: I want to get a tattoo on the inside of my thigh of a road sign that reads 'slippery when wet' Justin: I'll be sure to have the proper rubber on when attempting the roadway, then... ****** Me: One of the girls couldnt go unless there was a responsible adult going... Ash: Wait, YOU'RE the responsible adult?! *Leon falls over in the doorway of the theatre laughing hysterically* Ash: That's scary Leon: That IS scary ****** *Woman sits down wearing nothing but a bikini top and a black buttoned blazer* Ash: Heath..... Me: Ohmigod... Rox: Um.... Did I...... Me: Whaaaaat the fuck? Rox: Is she wearing any underwear? Cause I'm thinking I definitely just saw a coochie hanging out.... and I'm too afraid to look again Ash: I ain't lookin Me: Me either *we all burst out into fits of hysterical laughter* ****** Ash: Oh look! You're my size too!!! Rox: Back off, bitch! *I keel over in the chair laughing hysterically* ****** Mom: Want some rolling papers? Me: Got pot to go with it? Mom: Nope I gave it away.... Me: Then what do I want with rolling papers? Mom: I dunno, but take them anyway... maybe you'll get some pot ****** Ken: You STILL loitering about in front of my theatre? Me: Hey, it was MY theatre first! Ken: Well in that case, you can stay ****** Me: Hey Gimpy! *Paul points to my Hooters shirt* Paul: Got a new job, I see ****** Me and Ash: *at the EXACT same time* They�re gonna be the couple who, if they�re not married by a certain age they�re just gonna marry each other Justin: That�s gonna be the two of you if you keep stuff like THAT up! ****** Me: She was totally hitting on my brother all day Justin: I would too. Your brother�s a pretty kid ****** Leon: Whatcha up to, baby? Me: I'm.... shit. Watching the power go out. Leon: Oh? Me: Yeah.... oh. Power's back on... wait, just kidding. It's off again. Yeah. Still watching the power go out Leon: Big stor-- Me: Oh SHIT. I think we just lost a tree ****** Me: Ha ha! I broke you!!! Ash: Dude, you went beyond broke, you fucking shattered me! Me: HA HA! I shattered you!! ****** Me: She wants to know what we're doing tomorrow... what are we doing tomorrow? Elaine: We're kissing girls and getting wasted ****** Me: Okay, well he did like my boobs Ash: Honey, even I like your boobs ****** Cindy: So why was the night so bad? Me: There was an indescretion on my part I wish I could blame on being drunk...... Cindy: What'd you do? Yell out the wrong name?? ****** Me: Do I talk in my sleep? Ash: Not that I recall Me: Hm. Because ____ said I talk in my sleep Ash: _____'s a fucking tool Me: Ash? Ash: Yes dear? Me: I love you Ash: I know. I love me too. ****** Me: Yeah we have the Pootatuck river running behind our house Ash: The Pootytang river? What? *later in conversation* Ash: Don't get arrested for breaking into your own house Me: Bitch, please. Shut up or you're gonna get your ass thrown in the Pootytang river at the Christmas party! ****** Pat: So let's say Heather's prostituting on the corner and turning tricks in the parking lot.... if we had a tenant who was basically our eyes and ears at the property we'd know about it and we could nail her Me: But if I was turning tricks in the parking lot, wouldn't I already be getting nailed? ****** Me: You know what's bad? I almost took a job at BB/B so I could work on this show. How sad for me! And they'd call Pete and they'd say "how is she with celebrities?" And he'd say "fine, just as long as you don't let her anywhere near Denzel Washington." So then they'd call me up and say "We're sorry, but we heard you want to do nasty things to Denzel." Christine: And you'd say "and you don't?" ****** Christine: yeah so fun >:o lol i love the little angry asian smilie Me: that's the angry, Im gonna bite your dick off, blow job smiley Christine: i thought that was this one =-O Me: thats the regular blow job smiley. The other one is the angry, Im gonna bite your dick off smiley Christine: I wouldnt want to bite someones dick off, i mean, once you did it, what do you do with the piece you bit off? Me: I guess that's a question for the girls who swallow Christine: lol i mean you cant just hand it back. "oops youre missing this" ****** Jemma: Me, I likes the boobies Me: Yeah and I likey the Leon ****** Mary: Take THAT, motherfucker! ****** Girl on the subway: YOU two [are trying to have a baby]??? Me and Rox: Oh GOD no. ****** Cindy (on Karen/Bebe's White House performance costumes): I just saw Bebe's vaginal lips... I feel like I should go buy her dinner ****** Me: First day with the new mouth? Rox: Bitch ****** Rox: Nothing like a little mid-afternoon buzz to keep you going! ****** Christine: i tried leon and i think he broke it lol Me: lol I just did him Christine: im sure you did ****** Leon: So how are the kids? Me: Oh my god, they're getting so BIG! Sasha's gonna be 13 on Wednesday. I can't believe it Leon: They're not getting big, you're just getting old Me: HAH! Now THAT'S the pot calling the kettle black! ****** *seeing my Victoria's Secret bag* Leon: Ooh.. What'd you buy? Me: You sure you want me to show you? Leon: ....Hm. Maybe not. ****** Dilip: So what are you doing? Me: Getting your sister�s kids ready for bed Dilip: Oh. Hm. And how are they? Me: Apparently planning our wedding ****** Rich: I was a member of "I Felt a Thigh" ****** Rox: Here's to your ginormous fat ass that couldn't get any bigger! Salute! ****** DL: There's something SO seductive about the crazy! ****** Anne: That's something for the super to do Me: We don't really have a super Anne: What's Edwin? Me: Lucky to be employed...? ****** Edwin: Where's Rich? Me: He's in a meeting *Edwin turns and walks out* Anne: I'm sorry, did you just say get out? ****** Christine: He wasnt just dropped on his head.... he was biz-ounced... more than once... ****** *eats a milkless cherrio* Christine: that's me, saddy mcsadderson... eating dry cherrios by the light of the crescent moon... Me: saddy mcsadderson.... is that like mcdreamy? lol Christine: it;s like a big case of shut up! is about to be delivered to you Me: HAHAHAHA Christine: I almost snorted a cheerio after I said that ****** Me: Well he's got mooooorals. Who has morals these days? That is SO last year. I mean really, I have like, 2 of them ****** Tenant (to me and Anne): Don't work too hard Richard: Oh don't worry, they don't ****** Mikey: He's the Peruvian Python Jen: Funny, that's what I used to call him ****** Mikey: They [my boobs] rose like the Hindenburg! Thank God they didn't fall like it! ****** Jen: How many times do I have to tell you -- DONT ENCOURAGE HIM! ****** Ash: If she's gonna tell you you can't wear a thong with your white linen skirt she needs to wear a bra with that tank top! ****** Me: What are you doing next weekend Leon: I have a wedding Me: Yours? ****** *on meeting Jesse L. Martin* Ash: I dont understand why you're freaking out Me: Ash. Imagine if you met Johnny Depp Ash: Oh man, I'd lose my shit Me: THANK YOU. He's my Johnny Depp ****** Ash: What's today's date? Me: No clue Ash: Do you know your name? Me: Of course. I'm pretty sure it's "ooooh my GOD" ****** Ash: And I said "Im not afraid to lose you, because I know I never will. You're the only one who's ever stood by me... aside from Heather" Me: Yeah, but I won't screw you Ash: ..... bummer. ****** *I give Lisa the finger* Lisa: STOP FINGERING ME! Shit! I mean, stop giving me the finger. Dammit! ****** Me: That shit [sore throat spray] doesnt work.... Leon: Well it works for about 2 seconds and then you're raw again Me: Yeah, and not in a good way! ****** Christine (on the song Inside of You by Hoobastank): Heather sent me a song and I think I feel violated ****** Ian: Does Al's number start with 510 or 520? Keara: 510 Ian: Oh shit. Well, I definitely just left a REALLY homoerotic voicemail for some stranger Me: What the hell did you say? Ian: Yo dude, come to Fiddlers and let's touch each other! ****** Ash: Yeah, they had dinner 2 weeks ago Keara:..... and did you actually eat? Me: No.... Well, I didn't.... but he did..... ****** Mikey: To tits, clits and baseball mitts; may your hand always be in one of 'em! ****** Edwin: What about Jello fighting? Me: I was in a Jello fight once Richard: Is there a video? ****** Christine: i used to like you, then you got off on a man sounding like hes making friends with himself and now i just think youre weird ****** Me: I really like the back pockets on these jeans Ash: I really like your ass in those jeans ****** Sarah: But... I don't know what to say to him. What do you say to that? Me: Just tell him you wanna use him like a pogo stick. ****** Ed: So from then on everything was black. I never went back Me: You know, I've heard that's how it is.... ****** Me, on wanting to play one of the Urchins in Little Shop: They have the technology!! If they can make Idina Menzel green, they can make me black! ****** Jim (on the song Rock the Boat by Hues Corporation): Our love is like a ship on the ocean, we've been sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion.... You know what they never say? It was smashed to bits by the jagged rocks of emotional despair... yeah, that was the lost verse. But Im not bitter. nooooo |