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THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD
EPISODE ONE: ROBIN BECOMES AN OUTLAW
FADE IN FROM WHITE:
EXT. SKY - DAY
White puffy clouds float along aimlessly, peacefully making
their way across the field of light blue. A flock of birds
glide across a lower corner. Beams of sun shine down across
the peaceful celestial scene.
We pan down.
EXT. FIELD - DAY
A large buck nibbles on some leaves from a small berry bush.
Grass blows gently in the wind as the deer gets its fill.
Suddenly the head of the creature jolts up. It looks to the
side. Danger is imminent; the buck sprints away.
We follow the gallant creature as it flees. It dodges in and
out between small saplings. It hops over a fallen tree.
A sharp whizzing sound is heard, then a hollow thump. The
deer falls.
We stay focused on the dead dear. An arrow is sticking out
of its neck. After a few moments we see a stocky haggard
man, MUCH (Nick Frost), approach the fallen game. Much is
dressed in ragged forest green clothing and holding a short
bow.
MUCH
Sorry 'bout that, noble beast, but
my family is in need of meat.
MAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
And you are in need of discipline,
Saxon knave!
We turn with Much. Behind him are a GAME WARDEN (guest star,
a thick-moustached Mike Myers) and THREE SPEARMEN in chain
mail. They have approached silently on horses and now have
the drop on poor Much.
MUCH (NERVOUSLY)
Well, hello, dear sir.
WARDEN
Tell me, heathen, what is the
punishment for killing one of the
king's deer?
Much ponders for a moment.
MUCH
Can you give me a hint?
The Warden sighs.
WARDEN
You know. We throw you in the
dungeon. We torture you. That's
the punishment for everything.
MUCH
Oh my.
(pause)
I'm terribly sorry. I didn't
realize that I was on the King's
land.
WARDEN
How could you not know? There are
signs everywhere!
We pan around the field. Wooden signs have been staked in
several places. One says KING'S LAND: NO TRESPASSING.
Another says KING'S LAND: NO HUNTING. Another says WHY PAY
MORE FOR CART INSURANCE? IT'S SO EASY, A SAXON CAN DO IT!
MUCH
Again, my deepest apologizes, sir.
You see, I cannot read.
WARDEN
Ignorance is not an excuse. You
have committed a crime and you
shall be punished.
Much looks very sad.
MUCH
Do I get a trial?
The Warden laughs.
WARDEN
A trial? You're lucky that you
don't have a spear thrust through
you right now.
MUCH
Yes, I could see how that would
hurt.
(pause)
Could you make an exception in this
case? The only reason that I
killed this deer is because my
family is starving. Prince John's
tax collectors take everything.
WARDEN
Hold that treasonous talk! You are
in enough trouble, Saxon dog.
MUCH
I wish no treason, sir.
WARDEN
Do you not understand that Prince
John merely needs to collect gold
for the release of our beloved King
Richard?
MUCH
How much gold?
WARDEN
150 thousand marks.
MUCH
That's a lot of money.
WARDEN
Yes it is. But King Richard is
being held until the amount is
paid.
Much thinks for a moment.
MUCH
Holy cow. What can anyone possibly
do with 150 thousand marks?
WARDEN
The Austrians need gold for the
same reason anyone else needs gold.
They have estates to upkeep. Lands
to protect from outside invaders.
MUCH
Outside invaders? I'm surprised
that anyone would go that far to
invade them when there are so many
places to invade here on this
continent.
The Warden sighs.
WARDEN
Austria is on this continent.
MUCH
Austria? I thought you said
Australia.
WARDEN
Australia?
MUCH
You know, the land down under.
Kangaroos, koalas, crocodiles.
WARDEN
Fool, we won't discover that far
land for centuries.
MUCH
Oh. My mistake, sir. I do
apologize.
The Warden waves the spearman toward Much.
WARDEN
His apologies are annoying me.
Seize him!
Much holds up his hands.
MUCH
One more question, if you please.
The Warden holds his arm up, signalling for the spearman to
hold for a moment.
WARDEN
What?
MUCH
I understand that gold is needed to
free our beloved King Richard. I'm
all for that.
(pause)
But, instead of taxing to nothing
the people who have next to nothing
anyway, why not tax people who have
the gold to start with? The 150
thousand marks could be raised in
no time.
WARDEN
Hmm. That makes sense.
The Warden thinks for a moment. His eyes widen.
WARDEN
Wait a moment! You're talking
about people like me! Foul dog,
you shall pay for such insolence!
The Warden waves the spearman forward. Much braces himself.
MAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
What do we have here?
We pan over. Another horse has approached. This one is
carrying SIR ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY (Chris Harmer). He, like
Much, is dressed in forest green (albeit a much more stylish
version of clothing).
WARDEN
Ah, Sir Robin. A good day to you.
ROBIN
A good day to you. What, may I
ask, is afoot here?
WARDEN
We have caught this Saxon scoundrel
poaching the King's deer. We are
in the process of arresting him.
ROBIN
Saxon scoundrel?
WARDEN
Yes.
Robin casually strokes his chin.
ROBIN
You do realize, of course, that my
family is Saxon.
The Warden is noticeably embarrassed.
WARDEN
Oh... I mean... I...
Robin giggles.
ROBIN
My, what a fancy shade of red!
(pause)
I take no offense, Warden. I'm
proud to be of Saxon birth.
The Warden takes a deep breath.
WARDEN
Thank you, dear Sir Robin.
ROBIN
You said that you were arresting
this poor man?
WARDEN
Yes! We discovered this... man...
poaching the King's deer.
ROBIN
You did? Are you sure it was his
arrow that fell the beast?
WARDEN
Definitely. We've been following
him for an hour. We saw him do the
dastardly deed.
ROBIN
You've been following him?
WARDEN
Yes, Sir Robin.
Again our hero strokes his chin.
ROBIN
So you were waiting for him to do
something.
WARDEN
Yes.
ROBIN
That reeks of entrapment to me.
WARDEN
Pardon me, dear sir?
ROBIN
Admit it. You could just as easily
have warned him not to shoot the
deer. It would have saved everyone
a load of trouble.
WARDEN
Well, we couldn't be absolutely
sure that he was going to kill one
of the King's deer.
ROBIN
But you figured he would.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have
followed him for an hour.
The Warden shrugs.
WARDEN
Yes, but we're not allowed to stop
him before he commits a crime.
ROBIN
But why him? Why this man?
WARDEN
Well, he's on the King's land. And
he's Saxon.
ROBIN
Saxon?
WARDEN
No offense, Sir Robin. But studies
have shown that an overwhelming
majority of crimes committed are
those done by Saxons.
ROBIN
Wait a minute. You just followed
this man because he's Saxon.
That's profiling. And profiling is
wrong.
The Warden squirms a little.
WARDEN
No, I assure you, it was nothing
like that.
ROBIN
I say it was! I say that I have
uncovered your foul scheme!
Robin looks over at Much.
ROBIN
Take the deer to your family. Good
health to you and yours.
Much bows to Robin.
MUCH
Oh, thank you! Thank you! The
name Locksley will forever be
praised in my household!
WARDEN
Now hold on!
Robin and Much look at the Warden.
WARDEN
This man is under arrest! He is
coming with us to the dungeon! And
he most certainly cannot have the
deer!
ROBIN
What are you going to do with the
deer?
The Warden thinks for a moment.
WARDEN
I'm not sure.
ROBIN
You certainly aren't going to leave
it out here to rot.
WARDEN
Well, no, of course not.
ROBIN
May I have it?
The Warden shrugs.
WARDEN
I suppose, Sir Robin.
ROBIN
Great! The deer is now mine,
correct?
WARDEN
Yes it is.
ROBIN
Fine. Then I'm giving it to this
man here.
Robin indicates Much.
WARDEN
Hold it! You can't do that!
ROBIN
I can't do with my property what I
wish?
WARDEN
Well, yes.
ROBIN
The deer is my property. What I
wish to do with it is give it to
this man.
The Warden struggles for words.
WARDEN
Wait, I change my mind! We shall
take the deer.
ROBIN
You can't do that.
WARDEN
Of course I can. I'm the Game
Warden!
ROBIN
But you already gave it to me.
Taking it back would be Indian
giving.
WARDEN
Indian giving? What's that?
ROBIN
I don't know. It's an expression.
WARDEN
Why don't you use an expression
that everyone here understands?
Robin, again, strokes his chin.
ROBIN
I see your point.
The Warden beams, finally getting a tally on the sly noble.
WARDEN
I have no more time for this.
The Warden points at Much and barks an order to the spearman.
WARDEN
Seize that man!
The spearmen begin to dismount. They point their weapons at
a fearful Much.
ROBIN
I don't think so!
Robin quickly grabs the long yew bow from its place on his
horse. He draws an arrow from the quiver on his back and
fires. The arrow quickly finds its mark -- the three spears
advancing on Much. The arrow passes through the first spear,
then the second. It lodges itself in the third. The three
spears are pinned together. They rip from the Warden's
henchmen's hands and fly harmlessly to the side out of reach.
The spearmen are shocked. The Warden is enraged.
WARDEN
How dare you?!
He draws his sword from the hilt next to his saddle. Robin
wastes no time. He draws another arrow and takes aim at the
Warden's head.
ROBIN
Pardon me?
The Warden gives a nervous smile.
WARDEN
Oh, I... I...
ROBIN
Perhaps you should drop your sword.
The Warden immediately lets his weapon go. It falls to the
ground. Robin keeps his aim on the skittish Warden.
ROBIN
I think you and your lackeys should
go.
The Warden begins to say something, but decides against it.
He motions to his spearman. They mount. Robin keeps his
arrow trained on them as the turn and leave. The Warden and
spearmen are a medium distance away before the Warden stops
and turns back. He waves a fist at Robin.
WARDEN
You haven't heard the last of this,
Locksley!
Robin smirks. He raises his aim slightly, then lets loose
with his arrow. We follow it as it travels in the direction
of the Warden. It flies toward the wreakful Warden. Closer
and closer it gets...
The arrow lodges in a sturdy tree branch above the Warden and
his men. The Warden looks up with amazement, then back at
Robin.
WARDEN
You missed! I can't believe that
you missed!
The Warden begins to laugh. A crackling sound is heard. The
tree branch above shifts. The Warden looks up.
WARDEN
Uh oh.
The large branch falls from its tree. It covers the Warden
and his men, knocking them from their horses.
Back to Robin, we see him leer as he puts his bow away. He
dismounts and approaches Much.
ROBIN
I think, my friend, that we should
get this deer to your home quickly,
before the Warden wakes up.
MUCH
Oh, no, sire, I cannot, though I
shall be forever in your debt for
saving me.
Robin is surprised.
ROBIN
You cannot take the deer?
MUCH
The Warden and his men will be
scouring the nearby villages for
any family with fresh deer meat. I
can't take it, for his anger will
be great.
(pause)
My best hope is that he will not
recognize me in the future.
Robin nods.
ROBIN
I see your point. Well, we can't
let this game go to waste. I shall
present it at the castle of
Gisbourne tonight. That shall rile
that Norman's ire!
Robin steps over to the deer and tries to lift it. The dead
animal is too heavy. Robin grunts and pulls with no success.
He surrenders the task and looks back at Much.
ROBIN
Perhaps another gift for Sir Guy
would be more appropriate.
INT. GISBOURNE CASTLE, GRAND ROOM - THAT NIGHT
The home of Sir Guy of Gisbourne illustrates the opulence of
the Norman lifestyle in 12th Century England. The castle is
much what you are accustomed to when thinking of such
locations -- high ceilings, garish banners with the Gisbourne
crest across the stone walls, dozens of metal torches and
thick wooden doors leading to rooms as tall as a house.
A dinner is in session. Long tables have been covered with
fine linen trimmed in an ornate design. MANY POMPOUS NOBLES
feast on a variety of food. Considering that these knights
are supposed to be the gentry of the nation, they eat like
pigs.
Pike-armed GUARDS with metal short helmets keep an eye out at
the periphery of the large room. One guard stands each at
the right and the left side of the entrance. A tall
KEYKEEPER points at the portal with his silver-tipped staff.
KEYKEEPER
Open the doors!
The two guards pull with great effort to bring the large
wooden doors forward.
We close in on the space between as it widens. Soon we see
the august figure of Robin. He wears his sword at his side
and has a long knife shoved down near the front of his belt.
In one hand he holds his longbow. In the other is an unknown
head-sized item. On the floor next to Robin are the
unconscious bodies of four guards.
Robin strides forward with proud confidence. Many of the
nobles present stand and place their hands on their sword
hilts. After several steps, four guards step forward and
place their pikes in Robin's way, blocking his further
progress.
Seated at a long table separate at the head of the room are
the more ennobled diners -- including the host, SIR GUY OF
GISBOURNE (Ioan Gruffudd) and the resplendent PRINCE JOHN
(Ricky Gervais). Sir Guy is notably irritated at the
presence of the Saxon Robin in his home estate. Prince John
is oblivious to the identity of the arriving nobleman.
PRINCE JOHN
Who is this... this... ?
The Keykeeper steps forward and stands before Prince John.
KEYKEEPER
Sir Robin of Locksley, Your
Highness.
PRINCE JOHN
Ah!
The royal noble smiles.
PRINCE JOHN
Let him approach.
The Keykeeper gives a quick bow and steps away. The guards
with Robin lift their tall pikes. With long, gallant steps,
Robin makes his way to the head table.
ROBIN
Greetings, Your Highness.
(pause)
You know, you should really teach
Sir Guy hospitality. I no soon
enter the castle doors with a
present and his starving servants
try to snatch it from me.
Sir Guy gives Robin a cold stare.
ROBIN
You should feed them, Gisbourne.
They'd work better.
(pause)
And I may be filing a sexual
harassment complaint against one of
them. I swear he pinched my hind
end!
Sir Guy continues to glare at the audacious Robin.
ROBIN
But I do admire your "don't ask,
don't tell" policy. How very
modern of you.
Robin sets his present down on the table in front of Prince
John and Sir Guy. We close in. It's a bucket of "Kent Fried
Chicken". The visage of a white-haired knight is drawn next
to the wording.
PRINCE JOHN
My, you're a bold one, Sir Robin.
(pause)
But I like you.
Robin gives a very short bow.
ROBIN
I'm gratified, Your Highness. I
don't think that Sir Guy shares
that sentiment, however.
Sir Guy gnaws on a large piece of meat. He is still upset at
Robin's presence.
ROBIN
My, he does look sour. What's the
matter, Gisbourne? Didn't get to
ride over your quota of puppies
this morning?
Sir Guy slams his food down on his plate.
SIR GUY
I know one mongrel who I'd love to
ride over.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
If you'll excuse me, Your Highness.
We pan to the right. Sitting on the other side of Prince
John is the dark beauty MAID MARIAN (Asia Argento), dressed
in a low-cut, high-collar green dress. She is obviously not
the demure sort of woman. Marian has a look of contempt in
her eyes. She begins to stand.
MARIAN
While you boys continue with your
testosterone tug-of-war, I'll
adjourn to my quarters.
Prince John places his hand on Marian's arm to stop her.
PRINCE JOHN
Sit down, my dear. He won't harm
you.
Marian stalls for a moment, then complies with the prince.
PRINCE JOHN
Sir Robin, this is Milady Marian
Fitzwalter.
Robin steps in front of Marian's spot at the table. He
removes his cloth cap and takes a deep bow. He has a broad
smile.
ROBIN
I hope milady had a pleasant
journey from London.
Marian chortles.
MARIAN
Like I give a rat's ass what you
hope.
The smile vanishes from Robin's face.
ROBIN
Tsk tsk. What a pity her manners
don't match her looks, Your
Highness. Hubba hubba.
Prince John laughs.
PRINCE JOHN
Did you hear that, gentlemen?
Here's poor Gisbourne so in love
with Marian that he dare not say
boo to her.
(pause)
And here's this saucy fellow gives
her better than she sends.
Prince John stands to address the other dinner guests.
PRINCE JOHN
My lords and ladies, I would like
to present to you Sir Robin of
Locksley.
There is a murmur among the nobles. Robin, with a smirk on
his face, turns to them and gives a short bow. He turns back
toward Prince John.
PRINCE JOHN
Sir Robin, may I present to you
your host, Sir Guy of Gisbourne...
The prince waves his hand toward Sir Guy, then the other
diners.
PRINCE JOHN
...and our noble guests.
In a mock gesture of politeness, Robin gives a short bow to
Sir Guy. Sir Guy sneers at Robin.
ROBIN
I'm deeply honored, Your Highness.
I feel like I've been elected Prom
King.
PRINCE JOHN
Have you dined, Sir Robin?
ROBIN
Oh, I had a drumstick on the way
over, but I could go for some more.
PRINCE JOHN
Sit down then and dine with us.
Prince John gestures to a noble at a table across from him.
PRINCE JOHN
Get up, Sir Loin, and give him your
place.
The indicated knight is surprised.
SIR LOIN
Your Highness?
The prince is irritated that the nobleman doesn't quickly do
as he is ordered.
PRINCE JOHN
Get up, sir knight!
Sir Loin stands and huffs. He leaves his table. Robin jumps
on top of the table with ease, then down in front of the
abandoned chair. As he sits, he is given perturbed looks by
the neighboring knights, who are now standing.
PRINCE JOHN
Bring Sir Robin food at once!
A server approaches Robin's chair, a high-backed all-wooden
seat.
SERVER
How do you like your meat, Sir
Robin?
ROBIN
Oh, I like it plenty. I like to
give it a workout whenever
possible. The ladies seem to...
SERVER
No, sir, I mean your dinner. Would
you like your meat well done,
overdone or burned to a crisp?
ROBIN
Well done, please, and a jug of
your best mead.
The server bows and exits.
PRINCE JOHN
Such impudence must breed a healthy
appetite, Sir Robin.
ROBIN
True enough, Your Highness. We
Saxons have little to fatten on
once your tax gatherers are
through.
The server returns with a plate loaded with well-cooked meat.
Robin picks up a piece and chews on it with gusto. As he
does, Prince John whispers to a guard now standing nearby.
The guard nods and exits to the right. The prince returns
his attention to Robin.
Robin looks at the knights next to him.
ROBIN
Be seated, gentlemen. No need to
remain standing on my account.
The nobles reluctantly sit.
SIR GUY
So you think you're overtaxed, eh?
ROBIN
Overtaxed, overworked and paid off
with a knife, a club or a rope.
And I've yet to receive a Christmas
card from any of you, though I have
quite the extensive mailing list.
How rude!
Maid Marian furrows her brow.
MARIAN
You speak treason! And with your
mouth full, too. That's
disgusting!
ROBIN
We Saxons aren't going to put up
with these oppressions much longer.
And one of these days I just may
take all of you off the mailing
list for my monthly newsletter,
Sherwood Scuttlebutt.
PRINCE JOHN
Not going to put up with it, hmm?
Then listen to this.
The prince stands and addresses the crowd.
PRINCE JOHN
As all of you know, my brother is a
prisoner of Leopold of Austria.
I'm having trouble collecting the
ransom. So, starting immediately,
I need to double the tax rate. And
the money is to be turned over to
me.
Prince John returns to his seat.
ROBIN
Why you, Your Highness? King
Richard appointed a Regent before
he left for the Crusades.
PRINCE JOHN
Yes, I am aware of that. But I've
decided that I'm now Regent of
England. I shall rule until my
dear brother's return.
There is a murmur among the dining guests. Robin raises an
eyebrow at the announcement. Even Sir Guy and Marian are
surprised.
We pull back to cover the entire grand room. The murmuring
continues. At a distance behind Robin, we see several guards
sneaking toward him.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE.
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.