A Test

This is an exercise in "English comprehension". Read the following paragraph, line by line.

	The great love that I have for you
	is gone, and I find my dislike for you
	grows every day. When I see you,
	I do not even like your face;
	the one thing that I want to do is to
	look at other boys. I never wanted to
	marry you. Our last conversation
	was very boring and has not
	made me look forward to seeing you again.
	You think only of yourself.
	If we were married, I know that I would find
	life very difficult, and I would have no
	Pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
	to give, but it is not something that
	I want to give to you. No one is more
	foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
	able to care for me and help me.
	I sincerely want you to understand that
	I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
	if you think this the end. Do not try of
	things that do not interest me. You have no
	true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
	I do not care for you. Please do not think that
	I am still your friend.

Finished reading? And thought it was boring? Now ... go back and read the odd lines only.

Work vs Prison

PRISON LIFE VS. WORK

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Universal Viewpoint

Married life is very frustrating. In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A Christmas Joke!

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," the defendant replied.

Snappy replies

1) Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.

2) Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colours do you have?

Kidnapped!!

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground".
Signed, "A Sardarji".

The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!"

GPA-how the professors grade the final exams!

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Surds Again

Two Sardarjis got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They take 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. One asks the other "What happens if the bombs blast off now"

The other says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

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Two sardarjis walked toward each other on a country road.
One carried a burlap bag over his shoulder.
"Hey Bhai," first sardarji drawled, "what's in the bag?"
"Chickens," was the reply.
"If I guess how many, can I have one?"
"You can have both of them."
"OK," first sardarji said. "Five."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected :

He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes

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Two surds go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
The first surd says: "I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish."
The other answers: "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" replies the first. "How do you know we will get the same boat tomorrow?"

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An surd and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they see a cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend says to the surd: "I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus."
The surd answers:"I do not believe that." They agree that the looser invites the winner to a bottle of wine after the film. It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema.
Then the friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw the film for the second time." The surd replies: "And I saw it for the forth time, but I did not think that this fool rides into the cactus again."

Computer World

Q: Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
A: Because DEC (25) = OCT (31)

Have you heard about the new Cray?
It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

Have you heard about the new Cray?
It's so fast, it requires TWO halt instructions to stop it!

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

God is real, unless declared integer.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.