High Powered Business Meeting

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (CEO's of Microsoft, Intel, and AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I need to take this call." So Jerry lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.

Jerry explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way I can take a call anywhere." The others nod and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He states, "Excuse me gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth." The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Bill emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Quick! Somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a FAX!

Combined Jokes

1. A Mental Patient Listens to the Wall
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

2. An Indian Foecasts Weather
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

3. Albert soothes himself
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

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When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog,
Joe asked the man,
"Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

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A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Definitions, Definitions

When I went to college in the 1980's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked in a computer company for the last few years, I 've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary:

Alpha.
====
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta.
====
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer
=======
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot him self. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU
====
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default Directory
===========
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message
==========
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File
====
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

Hardware
=======
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked/battered.

Help
=====
The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Memory
======
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

Printer
======
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers
==========
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user- friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

User-Friendly
==========
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.

Users
=====
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users- People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users- People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users- People who break other people's computers.

-- Bob Needham

Why I am Tired

I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading this ...

Food for Thought1

Segal's Law:
A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Flanagan's Finagling Factor:
That quantity when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives the answer you should have gotten.

Etore's Observation:
The other line moves faster!

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics:
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

The Unspeakable Law:
As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away, if it is bad, it happens.

Nonreciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
Murphy was an optimist.

Mrs. Murphy's Addendum:
If anthing can go wrong, it will, while Murphy is out of town.

Godfrey's Hypothesis:
You just can't get there from here.

Kemp' s Observation on pay scales:
The amount a job pays is inversely proportional to the amount of physical labor required.

Kemp's Observation on Horsemanship:
Horsemanship is inversely related to the volume and frequency of use of the word "Whoa!"

Bill Gates Joke

This joke will especially make those laugh who are disgruntled by the limitless lapses of the Microsoft Softwares from . . . . well, you know what!

---------------------------
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and made his decision. "Hmmm.
I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"Oh...well," replied God, "That was the demo version!"

Was It Or Was It Nott?

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot but Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

A Pontiac and the Ice Creams

A complaint received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because what I have to say sounds kind of crazy. "But it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. but the kind of ice cream varies. so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. "It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since them my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine.

"I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac president was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Joke of the Day

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-
Project Leader

---------------------------------------------------------------

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines 1, 3, 5, 7, ... for my true assessment of him.

Regards,
Sd/-
Project Leader

Who's The Strongest!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man Around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender would Squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the Lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the Money. Many people tried but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a Polyester suit. He said in a squeaky voice, "i'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed It. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man Who clenched it in his small fist.

Soon the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as six drops of Juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, " what do you do for a living?" The Little man replied with a winning smile, "I work for The IRS!"