LAPD,FBI,CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Food for Thought !!!

If You are one of those people who feels tired of working too much it is good to remember the words of George Bernard Shaw who wrote:

The year is made of 365 days having 24 hours, 12 of which are night time hours which add up to 182 days. This leaves you with 183 days of work minus 52 Sundays which leaves you 131 days to work minus 52 Saturdays which leaves you 79 days to work and there are four hours each day set aside for eating which adds to 60 days which leaves you 19 days for working, and are entitled to 15 days for your vacation which leaves you 4 days left for work minus 3 days usually taken off due to illness or other emergencies, which leaves you one day to work which happens to be a labour day, which is a holiday.

HUMOR: Top 10 Mike Tyson jokes

Top Ten Mike Tyson Jokes:

10. Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all.

9. This gives new meaning to "box lunch".

8. Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?"
Holyfield: "What?"

7. Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled.

6. What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat that?"

5. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.

4. Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee.
To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest."

3. How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.

2. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III:
The Third Gogh Around
The Last Supper
Ear-Reconcilable Differences
Grazing Bull
Blood, Sweat and Ears
No Lobe Lost

1. When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were: "It tasted like chicken."

Adopt English

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru !

The Train

A man travelling on a train asks the ticket collector
"what time the train stops at Victoria."
"This train doesn't stop at Victoria, its the express"
"Your joking!, I NEED to get off at Victoria"
"Sorry sir, this train will not stop at Victoria"
"There must be something you can do"
"Well there is one thing"
"What, anything, I need to get off"
"Well, I'll get the driver to slow down and I'll dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform"
"my god! will that work"
"Its worth a try"

The train approaches the platform at 50 mph. The ticket collector hangs the man in mid air out the door, The man starts running! The man is running in mid air
"Run faster! Run faster!"
The ticket collector lowers the man down. The mans feet touch the platform! Smoke flies of his shoes and his heel comes off. The man is running for his life! The ticket collector lets go. The man is running at 30mph!! He's made it, he begins to slow down. He's still running at 20mph along side the train as the other passengers watch in amazement. As the last carriage goes by a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts him back onto the train. As he's being pulled into the carriage he hears a voice say.....

"Your lucky I was here to help, this train doesn't even stop at Victoria!!!!"

Helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

Marriage is ...

Marraige is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those in desperate to get out.

Marraige is a three ring circus; engagement'ring', wedding'ring', and suffe'ring'.

Marraige is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which 'one'.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is 'finished'

Marraige is not a word; it is a sentence.

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Eighty percent of men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who finds such a man.

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Everytime I get a divorce, I keep the house."

Marraige is a great institution, but who is ready for an institution.

Marraiges are made in heaven, so are thunder and lightning.

Do not marry a person that you know you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Mens guide to Womens Language

	She says...	But it means...
	------------	---------------
	You want	I want
	We need	I need
	It's your decision	The correct decision should be obvious by now
	Do what you want	You'll pay for this later
	We need to talk	I need to complain
	Sure...go ahead	I don't want you to.
	I'm not upset	Of course I'm upset, you moron.
	This kitchen is so inconvenient.	I want a new house.
	I want new curtains	and carpeting, furniture,wallpaper...
	Hang the picture there	No, I mean hang it there!
	I heard a noise	I noticed you were almost asleep.
	Do you love me?	I'm going to ask for something expensive.
	How much do you love me?	I did something today you're really not going to like..
	I'll be ready in a minute.	Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
	You have to learn to communicate.	Just agree with me.
	Are you listening to me!?	[Too late, you're dead.]
	Yes	No
	No	No
	Maybe	No
	I'm sorry.	You'll be sorry.
	Do you like this recipe?	It's easy to fix, so you'd better get get used to it.
	I'm not yelling!	Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Some Definitions....

	College	A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
	Etc.	A sign to make others believe , you know more than you actually do.
	Office	A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
	Ecstasy	A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
	Committee	Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
	Politician	One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
	Smile	A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
	Optimist	A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
	Pessimist	A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO , instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
	Diplomat	A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
	Classic	A book which people praise, but do not read.

Why Are You Tired?

The year is made of 365 days having 24 hours, 12 of which are night time hours which add upto 182 days. This leaves you with 183 days of work minus 52 sundays which leaves you 131 days to work minus 52 saturdays which leaves you 79 days to work and there are four hours each day set aside for eating which adds to 60 days which leaves you 19 days for working, and are entitled to 15 days for your vaction which leaves you 4 days left for work minus 3 days usually take off due to illness or other emergencies, which leaves you one day to work which happenes to be a labour day which is a holiday.

So why are you tired?

Ain't English.. A CRAZY Lingo??

ENGLISH

Let's face it- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? One mouse, two mice. So, One spouse, two is definitely spice!!!!

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Hello World

Software Learning Process

	High School/Jr.High
	===================
	10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
	20 END
	First year in College
	=====================
	program Hello(input, output)
	begin
	writeln('Hello World')
	end.

Senior year in College
======================

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional
================

#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i <2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional
=====================

#include
#include

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs); }
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}

Apprentice Hacker
===================

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV = 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, "" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker
===================

#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker
===================

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker
===================

% cat
Hello, world.
^D

New Manager
===================

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Middle Manager
===================

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?

I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager
===================

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive
===================

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

A hobo (wanderer)

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porche you got there. It's a BMW.".

A Jewish Joke

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Gender Roles

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation.

"This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."

The Engineer

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.

Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."