A Spelling Checker

Saving Disk Space

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Super Bowl

The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

Meaning of Ph.D

Patiently hoping for a Degree Professorship? hah! Dream on! Please hire. Desperate. (Nashua, NH, Telegraph, via YSN.) Physiologically Deficient (Paul Lum, [email protected] via YSN.) Probably headed for Divorce Pathetically hopeless Dweeb Probably heavily in Debt Pheromone Deprived Permanent head Damage (Wenjia Fang, [email protected]) Pulsating heaving Disaster? Pretty homely Dork Potential heavy Drinker (Calvin Klatt, [email protected]) Professional hamburger Dispenser... "Would you like fries with that?" (Calvin Klatt, [email protected])

Only for This

Punch Lines

Phychiatrists tell us that girls tend to marry men who are like their fathers. Now we know why mothers cry at weddings.

Father to son - this is the happiest day of your life.
But Dad, tommorow is the the day I'm getting married.
Yes, yes I know !

Listen guys, never tell your wife you are unworthy of her.
She'll find it out herself soon enough.

Funny and sad but true - sooner or later every woman meets the right man - But usually after she's married.

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is 14 days.

A mink coat is made from the hides of many animals and one husband.

One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.

Engineer's Joke

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A Programmer

	Wet hair
	Apply shampoo
	Lather
	Rinse
	Repeat.

Note: Courtesy of Alina

Computer Dictionary

Let's Take a Break

God answers, "One hundred million years? That's like a second to me."

Then the man asks, "Hey God? What's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"

And God answers, "One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey, God, could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure. Just wait a second."

Big Trouble!!!

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Mixed Jokes

The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have mother for dinner." "Good," replied the husband, "make sure she's well done."

Then there was this ten-year old child who shot both his parents and pleaded with the judge for mercy because he was an orphan.

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

A doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill he wrote: " This bill is now one year old." Back came the reply: "Happy Birthday!"

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you , your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

A visitor in a town asked a passerby: "Do you have a criminal lawyer in town?"
The old man replied, "Well, we think so, but we can't prove it."

Court scene:
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?

"Silent Cal" Coolidge was a man who knew when to keep his mouth shut. In fact, he rarely said much of anything. Early in his presidency, a woman approached him at a banquet and said, "Mr. President, I made a bet with my husband that I could get you to say more than two words." Coolidge replied without hesitation, "You lose."
"Were there any new orders while I was out?" a shop manager asked his new assistant.
"Only one," she replied. "Two men ordered me to put up my hands while they took the cash register."

A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"

Buddy

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Money Matters

	Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
	Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,

	Work
	------ = Power
	Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have

	Work
	------ = Knowledge
	Money

Solving for Money, we get:

	Work
	------ = Money
	Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done (so long as Work is not also zero).

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make.

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance, hence Money.

Heavenly Jokes :)

A Christian dies and goes to heaven, surely saved, for no one reaches the gate unless saved. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. Now St. Peter was in a good mood and decided to play a simple joke to tease the man. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantasic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!" said St. Peter, who by this time, was smiling, obviously pleased with himself at his teasing, hehehehe :) And the man, who died of heart attack, thought he would have another one.

**********************

The Flood

The story is told of the man caught by rising floodwaters. As he looks out the second story window of his house, a man in a rowboat spies him and calls out, "Hey! get in and I'll save you!" The man replies, "Thank you, but no, I'm waiting for the Lord."

The waters continue to rise and now the man has scrambled out onto his roof, where he is seen by a man going past in a speedboat. This man roars up to the house and yells "Hey! get in and I'll save you!" The man on the roof replies, "Thanks, no, but I'm waiting for the Lord. He will save me."

Now the waters have risen so far the man is perched on his chimney top. Miraculously, a passing helicopter spots him and the pilot shouts down, "Climb up this rope ladder and we'll save you!" "No, thanks," replies the man on the roof; "I'm waiting for the Lord Who has promised to save me."

The waters continue to rise, and the man drowns.

Now he gets to heaven then He says to the Lord, "Lord, I trusted You. I waited for You, and You never came. I'm very disappointed."

The Lord replies, "What did you expect? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

*****************

Taxi Cab Driver

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

Hey You!!

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Now go away." -- and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, you've got the wrong bloke I don't want them!", then slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car windscreens. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main dealer?"

=================
A little off, but well, ...

A love letter

HE WROTE :

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation. I have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation.

On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,

To remain victim of your fascination.

SHE WROTE :

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,
Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation.
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and,
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I Remain,

Unaffected by your affection.

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We do not love people because they are beautiful,
they seem beautiful to us because we love them.
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