The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
..........................................................................
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his ingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
...........................................................................................................
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Why don't aliens eat clowns.
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
I LOVE THIS ONE.......... > > >She replied,
"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN, AND the LAST WORD!
North to the future--Alaska
God enriches (Ditat deus)--Arizona
Let the people rule (Regulus populus)--Arkansas
"Eureka" (I have found it)--California
Nothing without providence (Nil sine numine)--Colorado
He who transplanted sustains (Qui transtulit sustinet)--Connecticut
Liberty and Independence--Delaware
Justice for all (Justitia omnibus)--District of Columbia
In God we trust--Florida
Wisdom, justice, moderation--Georgia
The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness (Ua mau ke ea o kaaina i ke pono)--Hawaii
May it last forever (Esto perpetua)--Idaho
State sovereignty-national unity--Illinois
The crossroads of America--Indiana
Our liberties we proze and our rights we will defend--Iowa
To the stars through adversity (Ad astra per aspera)--Kansas
United we stand, divided we fall--Kentucky
Union, justice, confidence--Louisiana
I direct (Dirigo)--Maine
Manly deeds, womanly words (Fatti mashcii, parole femine)--Maryland
By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty (Ense petit placidamsub libertate quietem)--Massachessetts
If you are looking for a beautiful peninsula, look around you (Si quaerispeninsulam amoenam circumspice)--Michigan
By virtue and arms (Virtute et armis)--Mississippi
The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law (Salus populi supremalex esto)--Missouri
Gold and silver (Oro y plata)--Montana
Equality before the law--Nebraska
All for our country--Nevada
Live free or die--New Hampshire
Liberty and prosperity--New Jersey
It grows as it goes (Crescit eundo)--New Mexico
Higher (Excelsior)--New York
To be rather than to seem (Esse quam videri)--North Carolina
Liberty and union, now and forever, one and inseparable--North Dakota
With God, all things are possible--Ohio
Work overcomes all obstacles (Labor omnia vincit)--Oklahoma
The Union--Oregon
Virtue, liberty and independence--Pennsylvania
Hope--Rhode Island
While I breathe I hope (Dum spiro spere)--South Carolina
Under God the people rule--South Dakota
Agriculture and commerce--Tennessee
Friendship--Texas
Industry--Utah
Freedom and unity--Vermont
Thus always to tyrants (Sic semper tyrannis)--Virginia
By and by (Alki)--Washington
Mountaineers are always free (Montani semper liberi)--West Virginia
Forward--Wisconsin
Equal rights--Wyoming