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| Scripts |
| He Wears Rubber Tights and Weighs Forty Pints, It's the Script to Episode III and Eight Ninths by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper After Luke's encounter with the three con artists, Rafkny, Nhonyj, and Cand Spik, Obi-Wan Kenobi decides to escort the boy back to the Lars homestead. He also decides that he no longer wants to be around the little brat, so he decides that it's best to decide to only visit Luke if it is a moment of life and/or death. Obi-wan Well, Luke, you're home Luke Daddy, I have a... Obi-wan Daddy?! Luke Huh? What about "daddy?" Obi-wan You called me "daddy!" I'm out of here. I, I, I just can't take this. Obi-wan walks away, leaving Luke to stand by himself Obi-wan (to himself) I hope I never have to speak to him again. I can't believe he called me daddy. I hate that! I just hate that! That's the worst thing anyone could call anyone. I hate being reminded of daddies. My daddy was evil. Anakin was a daddy. An evil daddy. Yoda was not a daddy. And Yoda is not evil. So, by simple deductive logic using those examples, all daddies are evil. A ghost appears Obi-wan Daddy! Obi-wan's Daddy's Ghost You always used to talk to yourself like that. It annoyed the kriff out of me. Obi-wan No! You can't be real! This is a mirage! Obi-wan's Daddy's Ghost My name is too long. How does OWDG sound? Better yet.... Ow Dog. Obi-wan Ow Dog? Hey! That actually sounds pretty cool! The ghost disappears Obi-wan Hey! Daddy?! You can't just appear to me in a vision, say I was annoying, change your name to "Ow Dog," and then just leave. You always did that! You would just leave every time I was around! I hate you, daddy. I feel like visiting a retched hive of scum and villainy. I must be cautious. Obi-wan walks to Mos Eisley. He enters a cantina. Bartender We don't serve their kind! Obi-wan What? Me? Bartender Yeah, you! Obi-wan What am I? Bartender A droid! Obi-wan No I'm not! I'm a real boy! Bartender That's what Pinocchio said before they sliced his brain in two. Obi-wan They didn't slice his brain in two! Bartender You bet your bum, they did. Obi-wan I don't bet kriffin' bums. Homeless Person Hey! Why the hatred?! Obi-wan No, not "bums," "bums." Bartender Just leave, now, or I'll have to call the police! Obi-wan Fine, then! I can't go anywhere without people trying to ruin my life! Did you know that?! Huh?! Do you know who I am, mister? I am the protector of our galaxy's last hope! I think I deserve a little more respect. The cantina becomes silent. Some creatures shake. Bartender I... I... I didn't know... please, everything is yours... on the house. Obi-wan What? A teenager wearing a vest stands up Vested Teen I'll invite the man to sit at my table. Obi-wan Who are you? Vested Teen My real name's Han Solo. But others like to call me... Vested Teen. Obi-wan But in the Han Solo Trilogy, you were working for... Oh, never mind! These scripts were never historically correct to begin with. Who says we have to start now? Sure, I'll sit with you... Vested Teen Obi-wan sits down Obi-wan Why is everyone staring at me... some quivering in fear? Vested Teen You own the last hope, man. Wouldn't you be afraid if you were them? I'd be afraid just to know the last hope existed. Obi-wan I don't follow. Vested Teen C'mon, stop the charade. Tell me where the hope is. I have some connections... we could sell for a hefty price... split it fifty-fifty. Obi-wan What?! I'm not going to sell the last hope for money! That's immoral! Vested Teen C'mon, what are you going to use it for, anyway? Obi-wan Use what? Vested Teen The hope. Obi-wan The idea of hope or the actual hope? Vested Teen The real thing! Obi-wan The hope is a he, not an it. Vested Teen Oh, you're one of those guys who digs personification. That's okay for me. As long as we can sell it... him. Obi-wan No, he's the last chance for the Rebellion. He's our only way to defeat the Empire. Vested Teen Whoa, man. You try and use that on the Empire, you'll be killing yourself, too. And all your friends. Obi-wan No, there's a prophecy that states that he shall defeat the evil in the galaxy and start a new order of good. Vested Teen Kriff, you're one of those religious guys who thinks everyone is evil and we all should die. Kriff you, man. Han pulls out his blaster Vested Teen I'll shoot you if you don't tell me where the hope is. Obi-wan That won't work. I have suicidal tendencies. Vested Teen Oh, great. Now you're a SUICIDAL religious destruction freak. I can't believe it. The most powerful bomb in the galaxy belongs to a total nutcase. Obi-wan No, I... What?! A bomb?! No, no, no, Luke's not a bomb. He's a real boy. Vested Teen Like Pino... Obi-wan No! NOT like Pinocchio! I think these scripts have been milking that joke for much to long. In fact, it's all milking. The scripts aren't even funny anymore! They're just dumb! Vested Teen Blue milk? Obi-wan Blue milk? Vested Teen Yeah Obi-wan What? Vested Teen Yeah Obi-wan No, what's blue milk? Vested Teen Milk... that's blue. Obi-wan Huh? Vested Teen Milk... that's blue. Obi-wan No! No! Just shut up! Just get back to the previous conversation. Vested Teen What conversation? Obi-wan Are you on drugs? Vested Teen I can't... remember. Obi-wan Errrr. The conversation about the Hope. You know, Luke, milk... No! Scratch the milk! Vested Teen I would, but I have a nail-biting problem. Obi-wan Huh? Ah! Just let me explain. Luke is a real boy. NOT like Pinocchio. More like you and me... except more important. Vested Teen Hey! My guidance councilor says that the most important person in the galaxy is yourself. And you should treat yourself as that, and not as a piece of... Obi-wan Sit down! Don't get all excited. Luke is the last hope... A... A... A New Hope. George Lucas Cut! Obi-wan What? George Lucas We've been doing all of these scripts perfectly, but you just messed up your lines for the first time, Ewan. Obi-wan Who are you? Vested Teen Yeah, who are you? And if he's Ewan, then wouldn't I have to be really old... like 'What Lies Beneath' old? George Lucas C'mon Ewan. Let's take a coffee break. Obi-wan Well, I guess I can't argue with that. Vested Teen Don't I get... a coffee break? George Lucas and Obi-wan march off Vested Teen Guys? I feel lonely. Well, I used to be scared. But I'm okay now... I guess. Bartender What do you mean? You're not a droid, are you? Vested Teen No... At first I was afraid I was petrified I kept thinking I could never live with that guy By my side But then I spent a few minutes Just thinking how he's done me wrong I grew strong I learned how to wear a thong And he'll come back From outer space I'll just walk in to find him Here with that darn beard upon his face I sure will change that stupid look And in his pants he'll start to pee I'll break his face in just one second If he's back to bother me Now I'll go Walk out the door And let him know That he's not welcome anymore He was the one Who tried to catch the world on fire Did he think I'd crumble? Did he think I'd blow up and die? Oh not I, I will survive Yeah As Long as I make sure I have A blaster by my side He's not gonna want to live He'll see what I have to give He won't survive, He won't survive Yeah, yeah I'll take all the strength I have To rip that man apart It will hard to mend the pieces Of that dumb old fart And I'll spend oh so many nights In preparation for this day I'll make him cry, But I'll just hold my head up high And he'll see me With somebody new No, not that stupid little Wookiee Instead, somebody cool And so he'll think I just dropped by And he'll expect to torture me But now I'm saving all my anger Just to see that old man plea: "Oh God no! Please not the floor!" I'll throw him down And bang his head against the door He was the one Who tried to catch the world on fire Did he think I'd crumble? Did he think I'd blow up and die? Oh not I, I will survive Yeah As Long as I make sure I have A blaster by my side He's not gonna want to live He'll see what I have to give He won't survive, He won't survive Yeah, yeah Oh no Bartender No singing! Vested Teen Sorry. Bartender (mumbling) Stupid new-age droid diva music. I hate droids! The End |