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| Scripts |
| Swim in Some Water, Go Cross the Border, It's the Script to Episode III and Three Quarters by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Realizing the fact that he lost the girl of his dreams to a 900-year-old green wrinkled midget with huge pointy ears, a bad hair cut, and bad grammar use, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi is ready to end his life. Unwilling to commit suicide, the Jedi master calls the Bounty Hunters Guild to arrange for his own death. Secretary (on comlink) Hello, Bounty Hunters Guild. How may I help you? Obi-wan (on comlink) I want to die. Secretary One moment please. Obi-wan (to himself) Hmmm... well, they sure know how to do business. Cradossk (on comlink) Hello? Obi-wan Hi. Cradossk What's this about you wanting to die? Obi-wan Well, you see, I can't commit suicide. I thought I could just call a professional to take care of me. I'm at the... Crazy Eight Motel on Coruscant's Correlian Sector. Cradossk Oh?! What an awful place to die! Obi-wan I know, but I'm really desperate right now. Cradossk Well, my son Bossk just happens to be in that area. He's young, but he's learning. Some day he'll be just like his daddy... that's me of course. Obi-wan Of course. Well, that's great. I'll expect him over any time. Cradossk Great! I'll contact him right away. Obi-wan Okay, thank you. Cradossk You're very welcome. Enjoy your death. Obi-wan Yes, I will. Goodbye. Cradossk Bye. Obi-wan turns off comlink. Someone knocks on the door. Obi-wan Come in! Bossk enters. Bossk Hello. Obi-wan I'd prefer blaster, if possible. Bossk Huh? Obi-wan You don't have a blaster? Bossk Uh... no. Obi-wan Do you have a vibro-blade? Bossk Uh... no. Obi-wan Well, what do you have?! Bossk I have this really cool top that I bought at the market! Want to see it!? Obi-wan Not really. Bossk's comlink link starts ringing. He picks it up. Bossk (on comlink) Hello?... Hi daddy!... You what?... I have to do what?... Which motel?... Crazy Eight?... Okay... Bye, bye daddy. I love you! Bossk turns off his comlink. Bossk That was my daddy. Obi-wan Really? I would have never guessed. Bossk He says I have to go to the Crazy Eight motel to kill some guy. Obi-wan What?! Wait, did he already call you before? Bossk Yeah, yesterday. Obi-wan So you just found out that you have to kill me? Bossk It's you? Oh... well, yeah, I just found out. Obi-wan Then why the kriff did you walk in my motel room in the first place!? Bossk I dunno. I just wanted to show my new top to someone. Obi-wan You can't just go barging in to people's motel rooms so they can see your top! Bossk Well, sorry. Obi-wan Do you know how rude that is?! Bossk I said I'm sorry. Obi-wan I thought you came here to kill me! Bossk I'm sorry! Obi-wan Just kill me! This is a perfect example of how miserable my life really is. Bossk I don't got any weapons. Obi-wan "Have" any weapons. Bossk No, I already said I don't. Obi-wan No! I was correcting your grammar! Erg! You incompetent fool! Bossk I could kill you with my top. Obi-wan That's pathetic. I'm the second to last Jedi in the galaxy and I'm going to get killed by a lizard with a top. Fine... just kill me with your... top. Bossk pulls the top from his pocket and shows it to Obi-wan Bossk Isn't it the best?! Want to see it spin? Obi-wan No, no, just kill me with it now. Bossk Okay. Bossk begins stabbing Obi-wan repeatedly with the pointy end of the top Obi-wan Ow... ow... ow... ow.... ow... this isn't accomplishing much. There is a knock at the door. Obi-wan What now?! Erg! Just stay right here, I'm going to answer that. Right-click here and open in new window for part two Obi-wan goes to the door and opens it. Obi-wan Who the kriff is... oh... hello, Padme. Why are you crying? Padme *Sniff* Yoda and I got in a fight. *Sniff* I just filed a divorce. I... I thought I'd come to you for comfort. Obi-wan Comfort? I... I have plenty of comfort. Padme Can I come in? Obi-wan Uh... I might need to clean up a little. Padme Who's that big lizard back there? Obi-wan No one! Padme Uh... is this the best time? Should I leave? Obi-wan That's not a lizard! That's... my puppet! Bossk I'm not a puppet! Padme Obi-wan, I don't know if I should stay... Obi-wan No! Let me put my puppet in the closet and then you can come in. Obi-wan shoves Bossk in the closet. Bossk Hey! I dropped my top! Obi-wan (whispering) Promice you will stop talking and I'll buy you a million tops. Bossk Wow! I mean, okay I'll be quiet. Obi-wan Stay in the closet... Okay, Padme, you can come in! Padme walks in the room. Obi-wan Sit down, make yourself at home. Padem sits on a chair. Obi-wan So, what did Yoda do? Padme Well, I kind of started it. I... chopped off his ponytail. Obi-wan Huh? Why? Padme I thought it was invincible! I didn't know it was going to come off! Obi-wan Oh, Padme. You would have liked being married to a man with an invincible pontail... wouldn't you? Padme Yes! But I can never find such a man! Obi-wan Well, there's something I should tell you then... Padme No! There's something I need to tell you first! Obi-wan ...Okay, go ahead. Padme Obi-wan, I have children. Luke and Leia. Obi-wan Ewwww! They must be green and wrinkled and disgusting! Bleah! Obi-wan throws up Padme Obi-wan! They aren't Yoda's children! They're Anakin's! Obi-wan Oh... sorry for vomiting, then. Padme That's okay. I understand. So... what did you want to tell me? Obi-wan Well... I... Padme. Padme Yes? Obi-wan I have an invincible ponytail. Padme Oh! Oh, yes! Bossk Cool! Padme Who said that?! Bossk Whoops! Obi-wan I did! "Cool!"... "Whoops!" Padme You didn't say that! Obi-wan But I did! Padme Honest? Obi-wan Yes! Padme And you really do have an invincible ponytail? Obi-wan Yes! Padme Oh. Obi-wan, I must marry you. Obi-wan Then marry me! Padme I could just hug you right now! Obi-wan Then hug me! Now! Padme stands up and runs towards Obi-wan with her arms ready to hug, but she trips on Bossk's top and fall. *Crack* Obi-wan Padme! Padme! No! Obi-wan rushes to Padme's side. Obi-wan Padme! Wake up! Don't die!... No! You died! You idiot, I told you not to die! Bossk Bummer. Obi-wan You! You Sithspawn! You killed her! Bossk No, I told you to pick up the top. My daddy always tells me that leaving toys on the ground is dangerous. This is an important lesson for you. Obi-wan Lesson? Lesson?! This isn't a kriffing lesson! My life is a living hell! Don't talk to me about lessons, you retarded lizard! Bossk Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Obi-wan Take your piece of stang top and get out of my life! Bossk Uh... Obi-wan What?! Bossk You kinda promised... Obi-wan What? The million tops?! Yeah, I know where there's a million tops! I put them on the lower levels of this planet. Go there and tell them Obi-wan sent you! Bossk I dunno... daddy told me never to go to the lower levels of Coruscant... but, he never told me there were a million tops down there! Bye, Obi-wan! Bossk leaves. Obi-wan Padme, sweet Padme. Now I have to take care of her brat kids! They'll be just like their father. They're gonna be brats! I can't believe this. She was killed!... by a top! THE END |
| Audio MP3 reading of the script! (It had to divided into two parts) Right-click and open in new window Part 1 Part 2 |
| In case you're having problems accessing the MP3, visit this website. (I had the same problem at first). |
| Voices: HRT: Obi-Wan MG: Secretary J-Rodd: Narrator Bossk Cradossk Padme Sound Effects |
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