 |
| Scripts |
| Kick the Calf, It's Time to Laugh, 'Cause Here's the Script to Episode 3... and a half! by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper With his old padawan, Anakin out of the picture, Obi-wan Kenobi feels confident that he can win the heart of Anakin's wife, Padme. But first, he proceeds to the barber's shop to get his ponytail removed. Barber Okay, next please. Obi-wan enters the room Obi-wan Hello. Barber Don't make conversation, just sit. Obi-wan Oh... well you're very rude. Barber I'm rude, and you've got a ponytail. We're even. Obi-wan I think I'm going to go somewhere else for a haircut Barber Legally, if you go, I can sue you. Once you enter the room you have to pay before leaving. Obi-wan I'm just going to get this hair cut and I'm never coming back here again Barber I'd really prefer if you didn't. It's customers like you who really insult the honorable profession of Barbery Obi-wan Barbery? Wait! I'm not a rude customer, you're a rude barber! Barber Do I need to call the police? Obi-wan No! I'm just going to stop talking to you! Just give me a haircut. Barber Sit down please. Obi-wan sits in the chair Barber A shave? A trim? What'll it be? Obi-wan Remove my ponytail. Barber You said you weren't going to talk anymore. Obi-wan You asked me a question! Barber Stop being rude sir, and please stay still as I chop of this.... *chuckle*.... ponytail. Just.... ha! Barber breaks out in hysterical laughter Obi-wan What?! Barber You.... you.... ha!.... have a ponytail!!!!! Barber falls on the floor, laughing Obi-wan Stop it! You are lowering my self-esteem! *Sniff* Obi-wan bursts out in tears Barber Ha! Oh my God, you're crying!!!!! Ha! Ha! This is classic! Hold on, I'm going to get my camera. Obi-wan No! *Sniff* Stop this at once! *Sniff* Just take off my ponytail! Barber Okay, sorry. Ha! Ponytail! Obi-wan Take it off! Barber There's no need to be rude, sir. The Barber takes out some scissors. Barber Okay... just one cut.... and... Barber closes the scissors around the ponytail. Obi-wan Is it gone? Barber Um... let me try again. Barber attempts to cut the ponytail again. Barber It won't come off! Obi-wan You can't be serious! Use something sharper!! Barber I'll try a vibro-blade. Obi-wan Just be careful. Barber takes out vibro-blade Barber Hmmm. Obi-wan What's so "hmmm?" Barber It's not coming off. Obi-wan Are you trying to tell me that a vibro-blade can't remove a simple ponytail! Barber Ha! Ponytail! Um... well, I don't have anything sharper. Obi-wan I do. Hang on, it's on my belt. Obi-wan takes out his lightsaber and ignites it. Barber AH! Obi-wan Oh my God!! I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was pointing it! Oh my God! Right-click here and open in new window to start part two Barber Oh... owww.... oh. I... I... bleah! Barber dies. Obi-wan Oh, Poodoo. Now who's going to cut off my ponytail?! (Deep Voice) I will. Obi-wan Who said that?! (Deep Voice) Me. Obi-wan Who are you? A man in black armor walks into the room Man in dark armor I am Darth Visor. Obi-wan That's a really stupid name. Darth Visor Hey! No it isn't! Obi-wan Those breathing noises you keep making are really dumb. Darth Visor If only you knew who I was... Obi-wan You're Darth Visor. You just told me. Darth Visor Did I? Did I? Obi-wan Yes. Change your name to Darth Vader! It's less stupid! Darth Visor I am Darth Visor and I have been sent here to kill you. Obi-wan I have an invincible ponytail. Darth Visor I think you better... what?! Obi-wan I have an invincible ponytail. Darth Visor Well that's very... interesting. Um... okay. Obi-wan It just won't come off! Not even a vibro-blade can cut it off. Darth Visor You really don't have to tell me this. Obi-wan I really don't think my lightsaber could even cut off my ponytail. Darth Visor I really don't want to talk about your ponytail. Obi-wan I wonder if I could use my ponytail as a lightsaber. You know, just incase I lost mine. It would look rather silly, I suppose. Yes, very silly. Can you imagine me dueling with my ponytail? Darth Visor Look... I really don't have time for this Obi-wan Do you want to help me test my ponytail? I just want to see if I'm right. Darth Visor Shut up, Obi-wan! You never listen to me! Obi-wan Anakin?! Darth Visor Yes! It took you long enough to figure that out you moron! Obi-wan You look different, Anakin. Did you get a new tie? A hair cut? I know there's something different about you... Darth Visor I can't take this any longer. I have to kill you now, Obi-wan... no offense. Obi-wan None taken. Darth Visor Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. I'm now going to slice your brain in half, vertically. Obi-wan I'd really prefer horizontally. Darth Visor Well... Okay. Darth Visor swings his lightsaber horizontally at Obi-wan's head. Darth Visor Huh? Obi-wan I told you my ponytail was invincible. Do you think Padme will think that's cool? Darth Visor Me and Padme are still married, you know. Obi-wan "Padme and I are still married" Darth Visor You can't be married to Padme! You Yoda kriffer! Obi-wan No, I was correcting your grammar. But yes, I do hope to marry Padme. Darth Visor She's mine! Obi-wan Well, you can understand why she would hate you after you murdered hundreds of people... And you are kind of disgusting now. Darth Visor But that your fault! Obi-wan Can I look at your face? Darth Visor Okay Darth Visor removes his helmet. Obi-wan Hmmm... Now a' days, chicks don't dig the whole scar thing and baldness and bloodshot eyes and the albino skin. Sorry, Anakin. Darth Visor But I thought that look was hip! Obi-wan Yeah, five minutes ago! Darth Visor But that's not fair! I can't change my face now! Obi-wan Breaking news, Anakin! Look at the holoprojector! (Holoprojector) And now for fashion news. Disgusting scars, baldness, bloodshot eyes, and albino skin are now out! The ponytail has come back in style! Obi-wan Yippy! I told you! Darth Visor That really bites! Obi-wan Sucks to be you! Darth Visor I'm going to get a makeover Obi-wan Bye. Darth Visor Bye Darth Visor leaves and Yoda enters. Obi-wan Master Yoda, you can't make fun of my ponytail now! The ponytail is in! Yoda I know. Obi-wan Wait a minute! You have a ponytail?! You poser! Yoda Aww, life has been good to me. I just got married, Obi-wan. Obi-wan Yaddle? Yoda No! Padme. Obi-wan Noooo!!!!!!! Padme enters. Padme Sorry, Obi-wan. But the truth is that Yoda is just much more attractive than you. He's so darn cute! Yoda C'mon baby, let's make like a tree and leave. Padme Oh! Yodey! You're so funny! It's adorable! Yoda and Padme leave the barber shop. Obi-wan sits then blankly. Obi-wan A 900-year-old green midget with huge pointy green ears and wrinkled skin. Why him and not me?! THE END |
| Audio MP3 reading of the script! (It had to divided into two parts) Right-click and open in new window Part 1 Part 2 |
| In case you're having problems accessing the MP3, visit this website. (I had the same problem at first). |
| Voices: HRT: Obi-Wan MG: Darth Visor J-Rodd: Narrator Yoda Padme Barber Sound Effects |
 |
|