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| Scripts |
| Fast as a Snail and Small as a Whale, It�s the Highly Anticipated Script About Jail |
| by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper with some help from AT-ST Driver |
| After a not-so-reputable visit to the Theed Grocery Store, Anakin Skywalker, Ham Sandwich, and Bossk have been arrested by palace security and locked in a medium-security detention prison. Ham�s late ex-girlfriend�s body has been sent to the morgue, prompting the nervous Jedi to have the urge to think about escaping. The three inmates now prepare to make their single phone calls� Ham I� I still don�t get it, Anakin. Why can�t we just use to Force to bust open the roof or something, and, and escape. I mean, why can�t we, for example, make a prison guard believe he really needs to urinate in a sink� or something� Anakin Ham, you just don�t get it. Here, let me give you an example that you might understand� Remember in Episode II, when those Geonosian bug things captured me and Padm� and brought us to the arena? Ham Yeah� and you fought, you fought the monsters. Anakin Right. What fun would it have been if I had simply just used the Force to push away the bugs before they tied me to the pillar? I could have easily just done that, grabbed Padme, and run the kriff outta there. Obi-wan could�ve done the same thing. I mean, sometimes you just have to lay off the Force for the sake of the audience. Ham Oh! I think I get it! That explains why Obi-wan didn�t use his super-speed to reach Qui-Gon in time while he was dueling Darth Maul! Bossk Ooo! It also explains why Uncle Owen isn�t Obi-wan�s brother! Anakin Well, no, Bossk. No, that�s not what I mean. Prison Guard Okay yous tree! Yous each get ONE phone call! Ham Hey! Are you related to that� that pretty waitress on Coruscant? You talk like her. Prison Guard Why as a matter a� fact, she�s my sister. And you lay yous filthy paws off �er! Ham I�ll� I�ll be careful. Prison Guard You�ll be dead! Anakin This little one�s not worth the effort. Ham Hey! Who you callin� little?! Prison Guard Do yous all want your phone calls, or not?! Anakin Yes we do, Mr. Guard. Prison Guard Aw, shucks, you can call me Prison. Alls my friends do. Bossk I getta go first! Mr. Guard guides Bossk to the comlink room Bossk Is it okay if I call the operator first? I kinda forgot my daddy�s work number Bossk dials the operator and is waiting for her to answer Prison Sure thing, feller. I may even give yous back your PEZ Dispenser if yous behave alright Bossk Huh?! PEZ?! Operator (on comlink) I�ll connect you to the PEZ Corporation right away Bossk (operator) No! Wait! I didn�t mean to!� Hello?! PEZ Secretary Hello, PEZ Corporation, how may I help you? Bossk Oh kriff! I�m in jail and I messed up my only phone call! Uh� hi? PEZ Secretary Please �dispense� with the pleasantries and state your matter of business. Bossk Haha! Dispense! Hey, I get it! PEZ Secretary This is a customer service hotline and it is extremely busy. I�m afraid I�ll have to end this phone call unless you� Bossk No wait! Well, as long as you�re here, can you tell me how the kriff you make your candy taste so good?! I mean, I spend like an hour trying to get the stuff into my Chewbacca PEZ Dispenser and, you know, it falls on the floor and stuff. Sometimes the pieces even break in half. Usually when that happens I just eat �em� *click* Prison Guard Time�s up, bud. Er� sorry I botched up your call. Bossk Oh, that�s okay. Anakin�s gonna be pissed, though. Hmm� go tell him I�m taking Ham�s call. It�s really important that I reach my daddy �cause he can send a bounty hunter to help us break outta jail. Prison Guard Alright, I�ll tell �im. Mr. Guard starts to walk away, then suddenly turns around Prison Guard Wait a minute� Bossk Uh-oh. Did I say something I shouldn�t�ve? Prison Guard Did you say �Ham?� That is SUCH a weird name. Bossk Whoa! Holy Kriff! I thought you�d comment on the whole breakin� outta jail thing! Phew! Ha, yeah, I said Ham. Prison Guard Just makin� sure. Prison Guard walks away to tell Ham. Bossk (to himself) Alright� let�s try this again� He dials the comlink Secretary (on comlink) Hello. Bounty Hunter�s Guild, how may I help you? Bossk Whoops! Wrong number! I meant to dial the operator! Sorry. Bossk hangs up Bossk Wait a minute� KRIFF! I�m so STUPID! Er� Prison didn�t see that� Bossk hits redial Secretary Hello, Bounty Hunt� Bossk I wanna talk to my daddy! Secretary Who�s yo daddy? Bossk He�s leader of the Bounty Hunter�s Guild Secretary I�ll patch you through to Boba Fett� Bossk Okay, as long as that�s my daddy. Boba Fett Who the bloody kriff is this?! Bossk I�m your son, Bossk� Hey! You ain�t my daddy! Boba Fett Who�s yo daddy?! Bossk You AIN�T my daddy!! Boba Fett WHO�S YO DADDY!??! Bossk YOU AIN�T MY DADDY!!!! Boba Fett You ATE yo daddy!! Bossk I ATE MY� daddy?! Boba Fett Yeah, then you took over the guild, but then left to find your bloody top. Bossk Oh yeah! I forgot. Boba Yeah, so I took the opportunity to take it over meself while you were gone. Bossk Uh� well, since you�re here an� all, can you help a fellow bounty hunter out� MEANWHILE BACK AT THE PRISON CELL Anakin So, who are you planning on calling? Ham Oh, I�m gonna call my mom. Somehow the holonet ran a story about how I was killed by the mimes along with Mace, so she thinks I�m dead and I guess I better let her know that I�m not. You should probably call your mom, too. It�s what every good son should do. Anakin Um� *sniff* Ham Oh� oh yeah. Whoa, I�m sorry� Anakin *sniff* That�s� that�s okay. Ham Hey, I hope you don�t mind me askin�, but why didn�t you, like, e-mail her or something during those ten years of Jedi training. Anakin My thoughts dwelled on Padme� it would�ve been awkward if I had started thinking of my mother, too� Ham Yeah, that�s tough. Well, at least she didn�t die in pain. Anakin Um� *sniff* Prison Guard Alright, yous two. Bossk wants me to tell you that he�s usin� Ham�s phone call. Sorry, Ham, but yer girlfriend�s gonna have to wait. Ham Hey! My mother is not my girlfriend! My girlfriend is dead! Anakin *sniff* He�s� he�s just teasing you, Ham� hold back your anger. *sniff* Prison Guard Hey, whatsa matter wid�you? Did your mom die, too?! Haha! Anakin You kriffer� Ham Oh, man, you�ve done it now. This kid�s got a lot of pent-up aggression in him. You�re done for. Prison Guard Yous mom is�. AHHH! Prison Guard screams as Anakin gouges him with a puppet knife Ham Ow!! Aw, kriff, HRT! Be more specific than �him.� Your lazy use of pronouns just got me gouged! HRT Sorry. Prison Guard screams as Anakin gouges Prison Guard with a puppet knife Prison Guard Ahhhhh!� Prison Guard dies Ham Ow, that still doesn�t fix the fact that I�m gouged! Aw, aw, kriff, that HURTS! Anakin Notmyfault. Notmyfault. Ham Ahh� ah, okay, I�ll survive. Agh. Anakin I�m gonna go make my phone call. You use Mr. Guard as a puppet so the other puppets don�t get confused. Ham Huh? Anakin I mean the other guards. Sorry, I�m a bit frustrated right now. Can�t think straight. Ham (looking at his gouge wound) Evidently not. Ow. Anakin leaves to go make his phone call. Ham picks up Mr. Guard�s dead body. Ham (talking to himself) There must be some sort of inventive idea that I can come up with using the resources that I now have access to� Let�s see, we�ve got a blaster� Ham digs into Mr. Guards� pockets Ham Some pencils� tic-tacs� death sticks� half a crayon� whoa! Death sticks? Hmm� maybe those�ll come in handy� AT THE PHONE CALL AREA Bossk (still on comlink) Okay! See ya soon! Buh-bye! Bossk hangs up Anakin Who was that? Bossk Huh?! Oh, that was my daddy. Anakin Cradossk? Bossk Yeah! That�s his name! Anakin I thought you killed and ate him. Bossk Oh yeah! No, then that wasn�t my daddy, that was Booby Fat� or something like that. He�s gonna come break us out. Anakin Oh, good� Yeah, I didn�t think it could be your dad. He told me about the whole killing and eating thing when he was my driver�s ed teacher. He has the hands of a human, you know. Bossk Oh really? How�s that working out for him? Anakin He seems to manage. Now if you�ll excuse me, I�m gonna give my wife a call� MOMENTS BEFORE Outside Padm�s apartment room on Naboo, Jedi Knight, Obi-wan Kenobi gets his courage up, for he is about to knock on her door� Obi-wan (talking to himself) Alright, Obi-wan. C�mon, don�t get nervous� I�m sure she�ll be absolutely fine with the whole beard thing� *knock-knock* Padm� Come in, Anakin. I�m ready. Obi-wan Oh, kriff�What do I do? Ob-wan backs away from the door Padm� Well are you going to open the door, or not? Obi-wan Um, actually! It�s Obi-wan! Padm� Obi-wan?! The door swings open and Padm� sees Obi-wan�s beard Padm� EW! That BEARD! Obi-wan covers his face Obi-wan Don�t look at me! I�m hideous! Padm� Oh! No, I�m sorry. No, it� it looks fine� come in, Obi-wan. Obi-wan *sniff* Well, alright. Obi-wan enters Padm� Where�s your� Obi-wan It fell off! My ponytail fell off! Obi-wan starts crying Padm� Oh� now, now. Don�t cry. I�m sure there are ways of sewing it back on or something� Obi-wan Oh, woe! Alas, it is gone forever! And now it has been replaced by this intrusive beard that will not come off! Padm� Oh, well, I suppose it�s not� that ugly. Kind of� fuzzy. Obi-wan What really saddens me is the thought that you may reject me now. Because the prophecy stated that you�d fall in love with a man with an invincible ponytail� And I know Yoda was just lying about Anakin�s� Padm� Well, I suppose I already did fall in love with you. So the prophecy still holds true� But, I also love Anakin. Obi-wan I still don�t think he�s right for you� Where is he, anyway? Padm� I have no idea. He said he left to get groceries two days ago. And I haven�t seen him since. Obi-wan Oh. *long awkward pause* Obi-wan You know� Padm� I need to go to the bathroom! Padm� rushes to the bathroom Obi-wan Okay� The apartment comlink rings. Obi-wan Uh-oh. Padm� (from bathroom) Could you answer that, sweetie? It�s probably Yoda calling about the delivery� Obi-wan She called me sweetie!� Alright� I�ll answer it� Obi-wan picks up the comlink Anakin (on comlink) Padm�, I�m in jail. Could you come on over? Obi-wan Um� actually, this is Obi-wan� Anakin Obi-wan?! What�re you doing in my wife�s apartment!!? Obi-wan Um� well� What�re you doing in jail?!? Anakin That�s a long story� but let�s hear yours, because now I�m angry. Obi-wan Look, I came here looking for you, alright?! She let me in. Now tell me why you�re in jail. Anakin We had grocery problems� Look, are you gonna come rescue us, or what? I�m here with Ham and Bossk. Obi-wan Bossk? Why, that nimrod almost got me killed! Anakin I thought you asked him to kill you. Obi-wan Oh� well, shut up! What jail are you at? The medium-security Theed one? Anakin Yeah, any help would be appreciated. Obi-wan Why don�t you just use a mind trick or something? Anakin Look, I�m doing this as a favor for you. You haven�t been central in these scripts for awhile and I thought you might like to get in on the action. Obi-wan Well, I suppose you�re right. Okay, I�ll be right over. Anakin Thanks, Obi-wan. You�re a chum. Obi-wan hangs up Obi-wan Brat. The doorbell rings Obi-wan What now?! Obi-wan opens the door to find Yoda, who is standing next to a small human midget that looks remarkably like a beardless Obi-wan with a ponytail. Obi-wan Okay, what�s the deal? Why am I looking at two midgets? Yoda Ha ha, very amusing, you are� not! But I must ask you� Why are you here? Obi-wan I was� looking for Anakin. Yoda As was I. Brought this delivery for him, have I. But since you are here� introduce him to you, I will. Obi-wan Who is he? Yoda Your clone, he is. Though one-eighth your size. I shall call him� Mini-wan. Yoda holds his pinky up to his mouth Obi-wan You CLONED me?! Yoda Eh, while I was at Kamino I found a robe that ya left, and got a couple DNA samples from it. They were poppin� out clones like crazy and I thought, eh, it couldn�t hurt, so I made you a clone. I was gonna give it to Anakin to surprise you. But, I guess you can have �im now. Obi-wan I� I actually don�t really want� it. Yoda Leave him to you, I will. Pressing business, I must attend to. Ta-ta. Yoda leaves. Obi-wan and Mini-wan are standing in the doorway staring at each other. Obi-wan Well� hello. Mini-wan HI!!! I�M MINI-WAN!! Obi-wan My goodness� Padm� (coming out of the bathroom) Alright, I�m done with that� now who was at the� door?� Padm� stares at Mini-wan Mini-wan HI!!! I�M MINI-WAN!! Obi-wan Yoda thought it would be funny if he cloned me. Padm� So that was the delivery he was talking about� Heh, you know, that�s one good-looking midget. Obi-wan Well, after all, he IS a clone of me. So of course he�s good-looking. Padm� Of course. Obi-wan Er� can you look after him while I go rescue your husband from jail? Padm� Sure thing� are there any special needs that he has? Obi-wan Probably. Gotta go! Obi-wan leaves Padm� Well. I guess it�s just you and me, Mini-wan� Mini-wan HI!!! MEANWHILE Back at jail, Bossk and Anakin return to their cell, where they find young Ham sitting in the corner in a fetal position Anakin Whoa� are you okay? Ham The.. the mimes! The MIMES! They�re� they�re everywhere! They�re everywhere! Bossk looks around the cell Bossk I don�t see any mimes! Ham Can�t you see!? They� they�re in the striped clothing!! Anakin Ham, this is a jail. Everyone wears striped clothing. Ham Then that means� that means I can�t trust ANYONE! Stay away!! Bossk Hey, why are there death sticks on the ground?� Dude, are you baked? Anakin Haha! Good one, Bossk! �Baked Ham!!� Hahaha! Bossk Huh?! I wasn�t joking. He seriously looks glazed. Anakin HA! Glazed Ham! Bossk What did you smoke, man? Anakin Smoked Ham!!! Hahah! Bossk, you�re a comic genius! Bossk Nah-uh, my daddy always used to say that drugs were no laughing matter. They are bad for your body and your mind. They corrupt your actions and skew your outlook on life. Anakin But they sure make you feel giddy! Bossk That, they do, my friend. That, they do. Ham Please kill me. Anakin Hmm, but I think in this particular case, he�s on an extraordinarily bad trip, so we should probably get him to a hospital. Which means we really need to escape soon Bossk Well, Butt Fuba should be here soon� Anakin Or even Obi-wan. I guess we�ll get rescued by whoever comes first� Or we could just escape on our own� But how? Bossk Hmm� Hey! Have your ever seen �Silence of the Lambs?� Anakin Uh� yeah� Whoa, hold on, you�re not suggesting that we rip off the dead guard�s face and wear it as a mask, because that part just grossed me out. Bossk Huh?! No, I was just trying to make conversation. You�re sick to even THINK about doing that! Ham A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Bossk Oh no� he�s starting to act like Anthony Hopkins! Anakin I guess that means he�s �Hammibal Lector.� Haha! Get it?! Bossk Man, that character was freaky. Cannibalism just sickens me. Anakin Dude, you ate your dad. Bossk Oh yeah. MEANWHILE Outside of the Medium-Security Theed Prison, Boba Fett, Jango�s Head, and Salacious Crumb prepare to break in� Jango�s Head (to Boba) Why do you keep telling people that you�re head of the Bounty Hunter�s Guild? I�M bloody head of the Bounty Hunter�s Guild! Boba Oh, you�re a bloody head, alright! But you ain�t head o� no bloody Guild! Jango�s Head Just because I am lacking a torso does not mean you can continuously ridicule me like that. For bloody sake, I�m your father! Boba Power to the people with limbs! Can�t touch this. Crumb You said it! Hahaha! Jango�s Head Stop siding with him, you laughing-gas-high rodent-lizard! Crumb Ahhh hahaha! Laughing gas! I LIKE it!! Boba Alright, let�s just walk into the prison, shoot the bloody Sandwich, and get out o� �ere. Jango�s Head I really don�t see what you�ve got against him. He was only Mace�s apprentice. Didn�t do no harm to us. Boba It�s the principle, dad. The principle. Besides, we�ve gotta get rid o� Bossk, too, so we�ll be killing two bloody birds with one bloody stone. Jango�s Head You know, at least I don�t overuse the word �bloody.� I mean, honestly. Boba Alright, enough bloody arguing. Let�s just get this over with. Do you two remember the plan? Jango�s Head It was my bloody plan!! I devised it! There you go again stealing credit! Boba Sure, dad, live in your world of delusions. Jango�s Head I swear� I�m going to� bite you or something. Boba Crumb, you go first. We�ll wait outside. Crumb starts to enter the prison Jango�s Head And don�t forget, Crumb! Give the �thing� to Ham. ONLY Ham. Then run the bloody �ell out o� there! Crumb Ahhh haha! Ham! RIGHT! Crumb walks into the prison and notices that all of the guards are on the floor. They appear to have severe burn marks on their mouths and on the backs or their necks. Crumb shrugs, and then makes his way to the prison cell� Anakin (to Bossk) Okay, so I�m going to take the blaster, shoot as many guards as I can, and then we�ll just high-tail it out of there. Ham High� High-tail. Anakin Hmm� I wonder if we can get our lightsabers back� Bossk Yeah! Not to mention our PEZ Dispensers! Anakin What? We didn�t have PEZ Dispensers. Bossk Mr. Guard seemed to think we did. Anakin Alright� Crumb jumps into the cell Crumb Ahhhhh hahah! Surprise! Anakin Ah! That FREAKED me out! Jeese! Who the kriff are you? Crumb (singing) I�m Salacious Crumb! I�m really fun! Some say I�m dumb! But they can kiss my bum! Bossk claps Bossk Encore! Encore! That song was AWESOME! Crumb Ahhh haha! Thanks! It took me three months to write! Bossk Cool! I wrote a song, too. It�s not finished, but I�ll sing what I have� (singing) My name is Bossk! My name�s not Josh! My name�s not Ross! I don�t use floss! (end singing) Yeah, that�s all I�ve got. Crumb I see much potential there! Anakin ENOUGH! Can we escape now? Crumb Oh, sure� but first I gotta give this �thing� to Ham. Bossk What is it?! Crumb Uh� some kind of drugs or something. Anakin He�s had quite enough of those, right Ham? Ham Are you my sister? Crumb Oh� uh� well, I still gotta give it to him. Then run the bloody �L� outta here. Bossk Bloody �L�? I don�t get it. Crumb Me either. I guess I�m supposed to draw the letter �L� out of blood and then run around on it. Bossk That must be it! Anakin You two should form a Stupid Club, you know? You really should. Bossk I�ve thought about doing that, but I could never find the time. Crumb Hey, I used to not be able to find time, either, but then I got a watch. It tells me the time whenever I want! Bossk They make things that DO that?! Wow! Anakin Okay, �Stupid Hour with Bossk and Crumb� is now over. Now let�s escape. Crumb shoves the �thing� into Ham�s mouth. Crumb Ahhh haha! Sorry! Had to do that! See ya! Crumb runs away Bossk Hey! Come back! We never made our club! Ham I feel� I feel kinda funny. Anakin Really? We never guessed. Ham No� not high� but, woozy. Very� very� wooooooozy. Ham�s eyes begin to bulge and his skin turns pale. His arms stretch out and actual muscles begin to form. Horns sprout from his head and fangs from his teeth. Ham ROOAAR!!! Bossk Somebody call the exorcist! It�s a monster!! Anakin More like� a �Ham-ster.� Bossk Haha! Despite the severity of our situation, I find that incredibly amusing. Ham-ster! Anakin Okay, now let�s run. Anakin and Bossk bolt out of the prison cell and make their way to the main lobby. Anakin is clutching a blaster and is prepared to shoot any guards that get in their way, but remarkably, there are no live guards to be seen. They are all dead on the floor with burns on their mouths. When they run out the front door, they run into Boba Fett and Jango�s Head. Bossk Oh no! It�s Blobby Fart and Jingo�s Hood! And they�re pointing blasters at us! Jango�s Head Actually, I�m unarmed. Anakin Ha! Literally! Jango�s Head Shut up! Boba So are you two ready to meet your bloody ends? Boba tightens his trigger finger Obi-wan Not so fast! Queue triumphant music as Obi-wan leaps into the scene and kicks Jango�s Head like a soccer ball right into young Boba Fett�s chest. The boy is knocked unconscious and Jango�s helmet comes off, making the head roll around in the dirt. Bossk My hero!! Anakin You saved us! Obi-wan, you actually did something useful! Obi-wan � Thanks. Bossk Um, Anakin, don�t forget about our Ham-ster problem� Ahhhh! As he is saying this, Ham-ster picks Bossk up by the feet and dangles him above his mouth, prepared to swallow. Bossk Help! Obi-wan Oh, Anakin, do we REALLY have to help him? Anakin Yes! He�s my friend! Go ask Jango�s Head for the Ham-ster antidote! Obi-wan rushes over to Jango�s dirt-covered Head. Obi-wan Alright, skull-brain, give me the antidote. Jango�s Head No bloody way! Jango bites Obi-wan�s finger Obi-wan Ow!!� Anakin, he�s not cooperating! Crumb Wait! Everyone turns to look at Crumb, even Ham-ster, who pauses with Bossk still dangling above his mouth. Crumb I know where the antidote is! Jango ate it! It�s in his artificial stomach right now! Jango�s Head You bloody traitorous rat-fink! Obi-wan Well, there�s only one thing to do� Obi-wan picks up Jango�s Head Obi-wan �Heads� up! Obi-wan tossed the screaming head in the air towards Ham-ster�s mouth. Ham-ster makes a perfect catch and swallows the head. He then instantly turns back to regular old Ham. Bossk falls to the floor with a *thump* Bossk Ow! Anakin Ham! Are you alright? Ham rubs his eyes Ham I� I guess so. Hey! I�m not even wasted anymore! Obi-wan Hey! I remember you! You�re that temporary padawan I had for awhile that wrote those ridiculous stories! Ham Uh... hi, Obi-wan. Anakin Well, now that we�re out of prison and all, I suppose we could all set off to the morgue to resurrect Cheese. Ham I�d be so up for that! Anakin But before we go, let�s solve the mystery of the dead guards� Bossk Yeah! How�d all the guards die?! Crumb Yeah!! Anakin, Ham, Bossk, Crumb, and Obi-wan enter the prison and examine the guards. Ham Hey look, Anakin! It�s our lightsabers! The two lightsabers are on the ground, near the hands of dead guards. Obi-wan This is bizarre, but it looks as if someone stabbed all of them in the mouth with those lightsabers. Anakin But WE didn�t do it. Who did? Bossk I wonder where our PEZ dispensers are� Anakin Bossk, how many times do I have to tell you, we didn�t have� PEZ� Dispensers� HOLY SITH! The guards thought our sabers were PEZ Dispensers! They must�ve pressed the button expecting candy� and� Obi-wan To think we pay these people with our tax dollars. THE END |